randomness

The year is done, grades are in and I've got straight A's for the first time in my entire life!! I'm a little excited, I did a dance, but now my life seems empty lol. I have no work to not do. I actually do have work to do but its not pressing. I don't have class, I have no focus. Anyways searching the web I came across a few pics I need to share


First how hot is Rose Rollins..... Why won't she marry me?
And second I told you all that latinas could rock the low almost bald look and look hot

No more pencils
No more Books
No more teachers dirty looks!!!!

My mom used to say that every year when it was the end of school. And now I sing it with glee, because I'm DONE with my first year of GRAD SCHOOL!!!
WOO HOOO!!!!!!!

Another dimension of love

I read this poem at this poetry thing I went to today and sort of freaked everyone out, I think. I thought it was beautiful and spoke to something very real. It shows that there's another dimension of love.

Untitled

By Lanuola Asiasiga

Do you know what it's like
to have to try and make love
with someone you care about
someone you really love
And in the middle of it all
you hate her
hate her to death
for reminding you
for triggering the memories
you've buried so deep

I made a terrible life choice

sigh....so true! so true!

I'M GOING TO BE A GOD MOMMY

I'M GOING TO BE A GOD MOMMY!!! Finally, since anacoana aka my bestest friend in the whole wide world. Has finally decided to post and also update the world on her little bun in the oven. I can finally say WooHoo I'm going to be a Godmom!! I'm also going to be an aunt. My sister in law is also pregnant with a little boy, and oddly enough I could have announced that a while ago, but kind of forget...oops Anyways I'm really excited. She's going to be a great mom so head over and send her some love. Oh and if you have any nickname tips let me know I'm still working on it.

There's something about bald women

I don't know what but there's something about bald women of color particularly, they are just some of the sexiest women I've ever seen. They exude confidence, you just have to be so self confident to cut off all of your hair. a rare treat for you all an actual picture of me


okay you can't see my face but that's my hair, I've had locs for going on 4 years now, and I love my hair I can't even imagine cutting it off. But I wish I had the confidence to do so. Its not only bald women, but women with really low cuts you have to have this confidence this surity in yourself to just rock your hair low. These women are going against the grain in so many ways, saying yes I do have really short hair and I'm still sexy, I'm still a woman. This is what the world needs more of. So here's a little tribute to them all I'm also including the woman who inspired me to post this pic, I found her poem through Tigera Consciente

I'm sick and tired of arrogant narcissistic professors!!
I'm tired of Grad School,
I'm tired of stressing myself out for what? I don't know.
I'm tired of it all!!!

FUCK GRAD SCHOOL
FUCK ACADEMIA
JUST FUCK IT ALL!!!!

This is why I love Brownfemipower

a few reasons why BFP makes my heart smile

reason #1

reason #2

reason #3

reason #4

There are so many more...but I just felt the need to highlight these few. So this goes out to Brownfemipower keep on the fight!

I'm not angry I'm anger!!!

I have 2 drafts of posts, but my brain is working well enough to finish them so instead enjoy this...

I love Black Lesbians!!

I actually love all lesbians, but today my love for Black Lesbians has grown even more than I thought it could. The community that I felt at the conference the other week was great, and I've yearned for that sense of community again. Today there was a mini conference put on by my supervisor for Black women. I presented this morning on Body politics, and really wanted to leave after because I haven't felt well but I heard this woman was going to present, and she is very active in the queer community here. She's a beautiful Black lesbian who is very outspoken.

So I went to her panel on Spiritual Abuse and I was so moved. She spoke to so many of the feelings that I have felt about my spiritual life and walk. I really felt at ease and thought then that I was in love with her and she couldn't be more on point. Then the panel on sexuality came up and she opened with I'm going to talk about what its like being a out Black lesbian, and how I'm tired of you all being afraid of me." She also said that it was Black women who have hurt her the most with rejection. As she spoke, she spoke more and more to every single feeling that I've had since coming out. She spoke to my fear of outing myself in front of Black women, my fear of no longer belonging in the Black female community. I connected to her so much from across the room.

Every time I speak to another Black lesbian, and am reminded that I'm not alone I feel so warm and comfortable, because it’s a reminder I frequently need. This is why it is so important for us to be out and open about our lives and struggles, because you never know who is listening. Her talking about her experiences and being open and honest and it touched me so much. I felt so encouraged and inspired by hearing her speak. She spoke to my experience so far, it was like she was reading my mind. This just further reinforced to me the importance of community, of being not only out but proud. I'm not there yet I'm still working on it, but meeting women like her give me hope and something to aim for.

I'M 23!!!

Today's my birthday...it kind of sucks because I have a lot of work to do and I can't be with the people I would like to be with today....but anyways YAY for me its MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

Ms. Ramirez sings

For Laura Luna ... She can't sing better than J Hud but she does a damn good job ;)

random

HOT OFF

and

Amy Winehouse!!!!

Community

So I know I said that I was done and therefore back before but this week has been absolutely crazy and exciting. First my friends came to visit and it was great to see them and show them the new me. I do think that they had some issues adjusting to the new me, the me I'm still learning about, but it was good.

Then as I told you all before I won 3rd place in an essay contest for this Black Studies Conference. In winning I had to briefly tell the whole conference about my paper at a luncheon. I also presented on the same paper at a Panel, my paper was on Black Lesbian Identity. I was so nervous but in the end it was great! This one woman who had come to my school to present on her dissertation earlier this month was there and she sat in the front row. I admire her work so much and was so nervous about how she would react, and she was completely supportive. She sat in the front row and just nodded the whole entire time, and that really set the tone for the whole weekend. I was nervous because this tends to be a very Afrocentric conference, not afrocentric in the way that most people think, but grounded in the theory of Afrocentricity. Homophobia is not embedded within this theory but there is a tendency for Afrocentrists to be homophobic, and view homosexuality as a white disease. So I was really shocked when I won 3rd in the essay contest. But while there I met some amazing Black lesbians who were completely supportive and genuinely proud of me. I found my community, I felt comfortable and safe around them. I got to go out to dinner with a bunch of wonderful Black Feminists/Womanists and it was completely empowering and encouraging. After that I felt like we could start the revolution right then and there.

After I gave my panel presentation this one woman comes up to me and says "thank you for doing this research". The support that I got from the woman I met this weekend was so wonderful and encouraging that I was overwhelmed. I wanted to bring them all home with me so this support could never end. This was one of the first times since I came out that I didn't feel completely alone. I was completely overwhelmed with the out pouring of Love and support from everyone I met there. My essay may even be published!! This weekend gave me even more motivation to continue on in focusing on Black Lesbians, it gave me hope that there is a community out there for me, it gave me strength.

J Hud! J Hud J HUD!!!!!!

Oh Jennifer Hudson! How I love thee

I'm Done!!

I'm done!!!!
Well not really, this has been one of my roughest weeks EVER!! Last night I got 2 hours of sleep. I was writing a paper on African philosophy which needed to be 15 pages long and my mind just shut down. It decided that it didn't care about Wiredu, Mudimbe and Appiah and it damn sure didn't care about E.E. Evans Pritchard. So today as I was in my office ready to have a mental breakdown and then I get the wonderful shining call! Our professor is allowing us to hand in the paper after spring break HALLELUJAH!!!!!!

I had to interview a certain someone on Tuesday and it was kind of great, she's awe inspiring! I also had an almost-not-quite-weird-awkward-hangout-possible-date with her last week...and yeah it was just weird but Tuesday all was well.

As I told myself I wasn't going to blog (eventhough Brownfemipower made me break that with her radical hot blogging...but I enjoyed every minute of it :D), I thought of so many topics I wanted to get everyone's opinion on. So stay tuned

oh and I just won 3rd place in an essay contest!!! I'm kind of excited

Radical hot blogging

BrownFemiPower is having a hot off for Radical Hot Blogging go check it out and weigh in. Currently there is competition between the cast of clueless vs. Mean Girls vs. Heathers.

I added in Rose Rollins vs. Jennifer Beals in the L word "I hope to God they were really lesbians" category .

And also the normal sized actress (forget that whole full figured, plus sized label thats a bunch of bulls)

Jennifer Hudson vs. Sara Ramirez

This semester has really been kicking my butt. I feel like I'm constantly playing catch up, and now just when I thought I had finally gotten it together MID TERMS! This translates to 2 huge midterms due in a week. I'm trying to figure out what in the hell I'm going to write my thesis about, and the other papers I have coming up. I'm so thankful that I decided to go for my masters and then the PhD because I am no where near ready for a PhD program yet. I think I'll be ready by next year. However, what I'm struggling with now is my lack of motivation combined with my procrastination. Instead of blogging I should be working on my presentation for tomorrow and the one I have coming up in about two weeks at the National Council of Black Studies Conference. I'm very excited to be presenting, and hearing all of the other presenters.

In other great news, this past Sunday I went to church. It’s an affirming church that I've been to a few times but always skipped out rather quickly. But this Sunday was different, first it was packed so I couldn't get my normal hiding seat in the back, so I sat very exposed on the aisle. While at this church I've never taken communion because I'm a slight germaphobe and they place the communion wafer in your mouth with their unwashed hands, and to be perfectly honest that kind of freaks me out. What is really beautiful is that people don't take communion by themselves they go up with their friends and family, and it just touches my heart to see all these beautiful Queer families together taking communion and feeling really accepted. So I really wanted to take communion because I haven't in a while, but my germaphobia just wouldn't let me budge. Then this week an usher says he'll go with me and gives me the push I need and it really touched me. This church also has little snacks/pot lucks and this time I went and met some nice young black lesbians and I felt good, I felt accepted. For the time that I was at church I felt like everything was going to be alright. I had hope, I felt like I could still be connected to God and a Lesbian. It was a beautiful thing, and then I got to see my future wife win the Oscar so all is well!

I probably won't be able to post until after mid terms in a week, but send me lots of positive vibes and any spare motivation.

PISSED!!!

I'm swamped with work right now so this is going to be short. But in my department there are a few constant debates the main one is on hip hop, the good the bad and the ugly, and the other is Alice Walker's the color purple. I check out of the hip hop one, but am always involved in the Alice Walker one, especially once I hear the arguments. The debate isn't about whether or not The Color Purple was good or not, but rather how Alice Walker made Black men look horrible. The men arguing against her are upset because to them Black men treating Black women so horribly is almost unheard of. To make it even worst a professor today said that he had found no proof that Black men beat their wives and rape their daughters! ............. I CAN NOT BELIEVE THAT!!

To make such a bogus statement is ridiculous. I wasn't there when the professor made the statement, but my question is has he talked to any Black women? EVER!

When are people going to open their minds and stop denying the fact that Black men do in fact cause harm to Black women.

Because you all LOOOVE when I put up pics of beautiful women, and I'm also procrastinating to the nth degree...

Introducing my new obsession Rose Rollins better known as Tasha on the L word

Grow up!

I am so sick and tired of the competition within academic settings. I don't know if it’s just me but it’s really ridiculous. This past week I have had to deal with all sorts of ridiculous petty drama, mainly because I called someone out on their homophobia and it didn't go over so well.
But back to silly competition, it’s crazy! I made a good point in class and got complemented on it and the supreme kiss ass in class couldn't handle it and got all testy. He tried to take away from my point and said he had already said that... come on! When are people going to grow up! I am too old for this bull shit; I'm not in to competing over who makes the best point in class, and who writes the better paper. I'm here trying to get the most out of this program so hopefully I can get in to a good PhD program. However, these idiots just want to fill my life with drama. Well I'm done! I'm done with people, I'm done with foolish competition, and I’m just staying focused and ignoring everyone around me. There is competition over assistantships and who can present first. I foolishly thought that in Grad School people would actually act like adults, silly me.

Thanks to all those who posted nice encouraging words , I haven't had enough time to respond, but I really appreciate it. Darkmind I'm actually taking some of your advice and I just cut someone out of my life.

My Journey thus far

One of my favorite songs from Dreamgirls is "I am Changing", I'm in love with Jennifer Hudson as it is, but when she sings this song it’s so powerful. I feel this song every part of it, I get it. I'm so reflective, I'm constantly in my head, and over the past few months I definitely hit a down spiral in my acceptance of my sexuality. The Audre Lorde quote that I have on my page really fits what I’m going through so much

"I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell."

When I first came out, to myself, and then to friends, I was elated! Everything just made so much sense. Then, I started to experience the hell part, the little comments, the realizing that some of the places and people that I love don't accept me, and that Hurt like hell! I can't say that I'm not still feeling that now. Me and one of my friends who I love dearly are in a weird place now because she doesn't want to talk about me. She only wants the me that she finds acceptable. Being in this weird place with her is really causing me a lot of pain. She represents so much more than just our fractured relationship, she was my spiritual support. I depended on her and now she’s made the choice to ignore a large part of me and not be there for me spiritually. A lot of the stuff that I’ve been going through has to deal with my faith. I feel like I can’t be a Christian and a Lesbian. In my head I know that’s not true, but I can’t seem to convince my heart. I’m terrified that all those people who say that I’m going to hell are right. I’m terrified of living my life a part from God. This alone has really sent me in to some bad places lately, and more than anything I’ve felt so alone. Like no one understood. Then last semester I wrote a kick ass paper on Black Lesbian Identity. In some respects I felt like a fraud writing that paper. I kept thinking I just came out, what do I know about anything. In writing that paper I was searching for something that let me know that I wasn’t crazy. That paper really helped me. I really got to work out some major issues and had hope that I wasn't completely alone in this all. It even prepared me for what was coming ahead and for that I'm truly thankful. I look at women like Jewelle Gomez, Barbara Smith, Audre Lorde, Mignon Moore, I felt like they were my family, my sisters preparing me for the difficult road ahead.

I've gone through so many different emotions, I've been beaming with pride, I've been terrified, I've wanted to go to one of those ex-gay places, I've wanted to hide, I've wanted to cry, I've cried, I've wanted to live, I've wanted to die, I've been through it all and I know its not over. I feel like I've reached an important place, I've come to realize that this is me, and it’s not going to change. Now I'm working on completely loving that. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it. One of the most difficult things about being out, for me has been dealing with people’s expectations. In the beginning I was so afraid that I wasn’t really a lesbian. I knew I wasn’t straight, but I thought that I was asexual. Because I wasn’t like other lesbians, I didn’t feel a part of the queer community. I found myself going trying to fit everyone’s conception of Lesbians. As I think back on it now, I realize how little sense this all makes, but at the time that’s where I was at. I’m finally reaching the point where I’m comfortable, I know my sexuality and no one can dictate that to me. Last week I was at a party and that girl that I mentioned earlier was there (it was great we had a moment, but that’s a whole other post) Anyways one of my friends bought her boyfriend (who had previously made a side comment about homosexuality being an abomination) and the girl I’m in to, we’ll call her Lee, dresses more masculine. Later when discussing Lee with a friend who also thinks that she is hot. He asks if she likes Lee because she’s a woman and she likes women or is it because Lee dresses like a man. He then says well if I see the same thing as my friend in Lee then I’m not really a lesbian! I was so pissed when I heard he had said all this. It pissed me off that I can’t be attracted to a masculine woman without some idiot questioning my sexuality. It pissed me off because no one knows my sexuality like I do. Its mine and I’m not going to let anyone take that from me. I think that’s what’s making the difference now, I’ve reclaimed my sexuality. Its idiots like this guy, who feel like they have any say over my life, like they from the outside can tell me about what’s going on, on the inside. But I will not let him or anyone else question my sexuality. I love women and that’s it. Things are different now, when I watch logo and here people’s stories I identify with them. I feel a part now. I was listening to one guy’s story about how his mother told him to either change or get out and never speak to her again and he left. He choose to be honest with himself, and I know what that’s like, because when questioning my position with God. I thought about repenting and praying for forgiveness for my feelings but I can’t. I can’t pray that I’ll change because I have no control over this, I can’t not be a lesbian. In my mind I’m risking a lot but I don’t feel like there’s any other choice. So this is where I am. This has been my journey thus far, and I’m interested in where it’s going to go from here.

Because I'm procrastinating and Vegankid is my hero

Okay I went a whole entire week without doing anywork so I'm swamped now and am not seeing myself getting any sleep in the next 3 days. So before I buckle down and do some work please head over to VeganKid's site and check out some little known Black History facts! Black Americans as illegal immigrants

oh just in case it wasn't clear yet Vegan Kid is my new HERO!

Welcome to my mind

*Welcome to my mind with a lil stream of consciousness writing for you all hopefully you can follow it... my mind is scary place lol*

I’ve gained new words in my vocabulary. Words that I had never even thought about before are now a part of my life. Before if someone would have said the word stud to me, I would have thought of a man. Pride means something new to me, pride no longer means one of the seven deadly sins, but it’s something that I have yet to obtain. Where did my life go? Where did this life come from? What does this all mean? I find myself questioning things that I had never questioned before, but it’s necessary. I need to figure out what it means to be a woman who loves other women? Where is my femininity where is my identity as a woman? My whole entire life I had been taught that a woman is incomplete without a man, but now I find myself looking to a life that does not involve a man in my life romantically. But it does not necessarily mean that the love of my life will not be masculine. What does this all mean, if I am with a masculine woman? I must find an answer to all those who wonder why I just don’t go for a man. I know have to find the words to explain my attraction, something that came so natural to me, I had no control over. I can’t explain something that I did not create, but I just feel it. I feel it so deeply, but no one really understands that. I feel for women, I want to feel women and only women. I want to spend my life with a woman being pleased by a woman and pleasing a woman. Its so much more than sex, if it was as simple as sex things would be different. If sex was everything it would be easier but its more than sex. The erotic is more than sex, but that is not understood, that I desire I feel for women. Things change and things stay the same, essentially at the core of my being I am unchanged, but I am just finding new ways to express my essential being. I have to go through each day of my twenty two years and undo the lies, the hatred, and the pain and replace it with truth, love and healing because that is the only way to true liberation. I can not be angry for the rest of my life; I can not live my life for others. I do not wish anyone pain, but I will not suffer pain so that you can not because my life inconveniences you. I am me; I am complex, flawed and incomplete but always searching for completion. I wish I had the words to describe it, I wish words were enough but they’re not, they are incomplete they are flawed they are created by those who did not have me in mind. Words will never be enough and can never be enough, but they’ll just have to do.

Damn

Okay so I'm joing the band wagon of DAAAAAAAAMN!!! Serena's arms!! Oh and Congrats on the Australia Open

I'm getting Married

I'm getting Married!!!!!!!!!



okay not really, but I'm taking applications. I've got it all figured out. Its going to be a small wedding on a beach in South Africa. All I need now is the woman....Actually This woman

the lovely Staceyann Chin
Isn't she gorgeous?! But I'm not so shallow as to only go on looks, but she's sooooooooooo smart and outspoken, and political, and passionate, she's perfect!!
Now all I have to do is meet her and make her fall madly in love with me. Not like thats hard or anything, have you met me? ... Okay most of you probably haven't but trust me I've got it going on! LOL in all seriousness Staceyann Chin is absolutely amazing! Her poems move me, she's so honest about everything she writes about, its almost too much. So if anyone is best friends with her and wants to set us up just let me know :D

books and blogs

Hi, My name is Journey Woman and I'm addicted to books and blogs.
Its Midnight and I have a bunch of reading to do for tomorrow, and I have to get up early which I HATE! What am I doing? Reading for class tomorrow? Sleeping? No I'm reading blogs, posting on my blog and contemplating which of my new books am I going to read. I get a new book in the mail and I get excited! Help!

What I'm supposed to be reading:
African Philosophy

What I want to read instead:
Fledgling
Self Organizing Men
Two Thousand Seasons
Spoils of War

I wonder which group will win the fight? okay enough procrastinating and off to do some work. I seriously recommend you pick up any of these books even African Philosophy good stuff!!

Thanks again Vegankid for the recommendation, I'm only a couple of pages in and I already love it!

I would like to write

*This is from a journal entry I decided to try and turn in to a poem, I'm not a poet but I'm trying something new*

I would like to write

something

anything

that could adequately convey my emotion.



something

anything




I am lost.


the perpetual outsider
constantly
searching
for home.

floating in space
never at home.
Never accepted.

a loveless heart
torn a part

My heart longs for my former life.
My heart aches for my God.
My heart aches for a life that I was never destined to have.

Where do you go?

Where do you go?

when you are rejected by everyone?
Where is home?
Where is safety.

the words won’t allow themselves to come out
they are caught
in my throat
in my heart,
in my eyes
begging for release.

power?
authority?
for a life that I have yet to fully accept?

stuck

I don’t know how not to be me,


Pride?
where is my pride?

one mask for another
The pain is ever present in my heart
and I have no idea of how to expel it.
I would really like to see where I made my choice?

Dear Mr. President

I know I know Pop stars=Evil but I really like this song by pink. If you check youtube you will see a lot of videos made to this song, this is one of the best.

I'M IT! I'M IT! I'M IT!!!!

WooHoo Vegankid tagged my in my very first meme WooHoooo . Okay now that the celebration is over. A love story in Six words hmmmmmmmmmm............
ok
ok
I got it
We gazed, talked, and loved deeply.

So I tag Anacoana, Jason and Diana (maybe this will force her to post!)

Southern Comfort

Today I cried, and I don't cry. I cried because I watched this documentary on logo called Southern Comfort. Southern Comfort is about a man named Robert Eades who died from cancer because he was Transgendered and no one would treat his ovarian cancer. They told him that they weren't taking any new patients; they told him that he would make their other patients uncomfortable. No one would treat him because he was a Trans man. When he first transitioned he wanted to have a hysterectomy, but they said he didn't need it and he died because of it. No one cared whether he lived or died, but he was a wonderful man. I just saw how loving and caring he was and how he cared for so many others. In the documentary he kept talking about his chosen family he showed so much love and the ones who could help him didn't. He said he was turned down by 20 doctors. 20 doctors are responsible for his death, and no one will be held accountable, and even if they were it wouldn't change anything he's still gone, he didn't get to see his grandson grow up like he wanted to, he didn't get to marry his girlfriend. All because he was Trans and I'm just so angry, I can't stand to see this happen, and the worst part is that I know that he's not alone, and he probably won't be the last Trans person to die because no one would treat him. I hate how people like to get in to little arguments and grand discussions about another person's life. They like to discuss whether or not they think that it’s okay with them to be him. And I have to admit I'm guilty of the same thing, I used to think why do you have to have the surgery, but I was wrong it’s not up to me or anyone else.
Recently there was a whole huge discussion about Trans folks on several blogs and some said some really horrible things. I just want to know where the fuck to do you get off? These so called liberals, open minded individuals who would rather see people be hurt rather than be inconvenienced. They want to argue about whether or not they should be allowed to use the same bathrooms because they would be uncomfortable with someone of the opposite gender or even non distinguishable gender be in the same bathroom with them.
I've wanted to write this post for a while especially after I saw Beautiful Daughters about an all trans woman cast of the Vagina Monologues. I love the Vagina Monologues and I love how they always manage to tell the personal stories of the women and their lives. I watched this documentary I saw all of these beautiful women and just admired and appreciated them. We need to go beyond ridiculous conversations and remember that you're not discussing an issue, you are discussing people's lives and there are real consequences for this. Brownfemipower did a great job at calling people out on their shit; I just hope that we can improve as people if this world is ever to have any hope.

a note on lust

I never thought that I'd be happy for lust. It’s really odd, growing up the good Christian girl in church they always talked about the evils of lust and when sitting around with my friends and we'd talk about the guys and how they had lusted after them. I would act like I knew exactly what they were talking about I'd co sign and add my little tid bits the whole time knowing that I had no idea what they were talking about. I would look at a guy and say oh he's really cute or ooo look at his chest, I was a great actress I knew how to fake attraction well. But, the whole time I knew in actuality I did not want to have sex with these men; I didn't even want them to touch me. However, I was very mindful of watching anything with female nudity because that was a problem. I think that the reason that I'm so prudish and that I never allowed my friends to be naked around me because I didn't want to tempt myself, but I had no problem with having pictures of half naked men around. I even remember saying to my friends, during one of our many conversations about men, I said “I don't really want to have sex with them" and I was waiting for them to be like yeah me too, but instead I got a chorus of I do's.

So this past weekend while at a party and meeting this girl who I was like WOW she's really sexy, I was happy. It was more than a desire for a girl it was the beauty of being free to be me. Now I'm not saying that I'm going to pursue this girl (I'm much to shy) but there's potential, there's space, and most importantly I'm no longer faking to fit in.

Between Ourselves

Between Ourselves
By Audre Lorde

Once When I walked into a room
my eyes would seek out the one or two black faces
for contact or reassurance or a sign
I was not alone
now walking into rooms full of Black faces
that would destroy me for any difference
where shall my eyes look?
once it was easy to know
who were my people.

If we were stripped to our strength
of all pretense
and our flesh was cut away
the sun would bleach all our bones as white
as the face of my black mother
was bleached white by gold
or Orishala
and how
does that measure me?

I do not believe
our wants have made all our lies
holy.

Under the sun on the shores of Elmina
a black man sold the woman who carried
my grandmother in her belly
he was paid with bright yellow coin
that shone in the evening sun
and in the faces of her sons and daughters.
When I see that brother behind my eyes
his irises are bloodless and without color
his tongue clicks like yellow coins
tossed up on his shore
where we share the same corner
of an alien and corrupted heaven
and whenever I try to eat
the words
of easy blackness as salvation
I taste the color
of my grandmother's first betrayal

I do not believe
our wants
have made all our lies holy.

But I do not whistle his name at the shrine of Shopona
I do not bring down the rosy juices of death upon him
nor forget Orishala
is called the god of whiteness
who works in the dark wombs of night
forming the shapes we all wear
so that even the cripples and dwarfs and albinos
are sacred worshipers
when the boiled corn is offered.

Humility lies
in the face of history
I have forgiven myself
for him
for the white meat
we all consumed in secret
before we were born
we shared the same meal
when you imaple me
upon your lances of narrow blackness
before you hear my heart speak
mourn your own borrowed blood
your own borrowed visions
Do not mistake my flesh for the enemy
do not write my name in the dust
before the shrine of the god of smallpox
for we are all children of Eshu
god of chance and the unpredictable
and we each wear many changes
inside our skin.

Armed with scars
healed
in many different colors
I look in my own faces
as Eshu's daughter crying
if we do not stop killing
the other in ourselves
the self that we hate
in others
soon we shall all lie
in the same direction
and eshidale's priests will be very busy
they who alone can bury
all those who seek their own death
by jumping up from the ground
and landing upon their heads.

For the 17 in New Delhi

I just read this disturbing story on CNN.com about Women and children who were brutally raped and killed in a poor New Delhi neighborhood. These women spoke out about how the Police ignored their reports of missing Children they told them to stop having so many children. When one woman reported her grown daughter missing they told her that her daughter had "loose character". These women did not gain any recognition until they found the remains of 17 women and children buried in a rich suburb in New Delhi.
It is ridiculous that these women had to lose thiner children before anyone would pay attention to the serial killers that were preying on them because they were poor. These killers knew that no one would believe them because they were poor, and they were able to get away with kidnapping and killing these people for at least 3 years! My question is when will our lives count? When will the lives of poor women and children be important enough to investigate when they are being attacked. If the police had seriously looked in to these cases they would have realized that there was a pattern. Instead all these self righteous classist, misogynistic police saw were women who couldn't keep their legs closed and couldn't keep track of their children. They didn't see their mothers, sisters, wives, daughters, friends and lovers who were pleading with them to help them. But these women are rising up they are fighting this neglect, they are not allowing their silence to be bought but they are speaking out, they are fighting. I just pray that their please will be heard.

VOTE

I love this video! Hanifah Walidah is really doing great things for Lesbians of Color, please go support her and vote on logo for her video. I don't know how long you have to vote but every vote helps please go and vote!

**The banner will also take you directly to where you can vote**

Music is great!

Youtube Music day!
Here are some artists that I can't get enough of lately

We have Corinne Bailey Rae, I absolutely love her music I just bought her album.



John Legend is the Man, his new album is GREAT!


I'm really feeling Alice Smith, the music isn't that clear in this clip but you should buy her album its worth every cent!



I just saw Dreamgirls and I am ABSOLUTELY in LOVE with Jennifer Hudson! This is one of the songs that she sings in the movie.



Oh and I don't know why but I love this song by Amy Winehouse

Happy New Year!!!

Happy New Year Everyone!!!

I wish you all a magnificent, prosperous and Blessed New Year!

I don't like making resolutions because they rarely stick, but I like the new beginning that a New Year brings, I like the thought that hey things are going to be different this time. I'm going to make a change I'm going to do something different. So in the spirit of the New Year, I plan to embrace myself more and be more true to me. I plan to continue to grow and learn and pass on my knowledge, I plan to let go of my baggage and my hang ups in this new year. Of course I could say these things any other day of the year, but I like the spirit of new beginnings that the new year brings, and I'm done with all the old silly resolutions that no one ever sticks to, but I'm all for the inner push. What are your plans for the New Year?

It's not up to you!

Its not up to you! That's all I want to say to my friend. When I came out to her it didn't go so well, she's my one bad coming out experience. We talked and she felt that I was living outside of God's plan for my life, and she just didn't agree with my life, she wanted me to fight a little more (because 22 years of denial wasn't enough). My sexuality has always been mine, something private sacred that I just kept for me. For years I thought it over, I examined I questioned I belittled I ignored, but through it all it was always mine. Believing that I was straight allowed me the privacy of my sexuality no one questioned how I knew that I was straight or whether I was sure, no one subjected me to the inquisition that has been a part of my coming out process, no one debated whether or not I was going to hell, they just left me alone.
Now that I'm open about the whole me and not hiding I've lost my sexuality. My sexuality has been subjected to the scrutiny of any and everyone, people can sit around and discuss whether or not I'm going to hell because of who I love. Where is my privacy? Where is my chance to just be? What hurts me the most is that the ones that I need support from don't. My mother thinks that I'm going to grow out of this "phase" and one of my best friends is just not going to discuss that part of my life with me. Being a lesbian does not define me, but its a part of me and without knowing that you don't know me. Coming out has been rough for me, I've had to put my sexuality out there, I've lost the privacy that we shared. I question myself daily, I fear about people's reactions, I question whether I'll be allowed to speak to my younger relatives once I come out to my whole family. I have to keep my sexuality hidden from my grandmother because she's old and she won't understand. Coming out while it hasn't been easy I feel whole, complete, things make sense, I feel good. My friend ignoring my sexuality, and my mom thinking that I'll grow out of it and that its still a sin bothers me. Despite feeling great about everything, I needed the support of my loved ones.
So what I keep thinking is its not up to you! I foolishly told my friend when I came out that we'd have to agree to disagree, but that's not the type of friendship I need. I don't need to agree to disagree with one of my best friends when it comes to my sexuality. I don't need to have it ignored in our conversations. It just pisses me off to have people decide whether or not its okay with them that I am attracted to women. I don't know what I'm going to do with my friend, I enjoy our friendship, but I don't know if I can keep being friends with someone who is deliberately choosing to ignore a part of me.

I want a different story

I am a movie addict, I really need help. I love the inspirational movies, I love lil kid movies, I love psychological thrillers. Movies I love to watch range from Robots to the Sixth Sense, but what I'm really getting aggregated with is all the movies where the loving white person comes in to the ghetto and inspires the children that the community has ignored. Now hear me out before you get mad at me. I do indeed love these movies, but I'm tired of only hearing one side of the story. There are wonderful white people that do work in inner cities, but there are also wonderful people of color but where are there stories? We need more movies like Stand and Deliver. I loved how the teacher was able to do something that you don't see in the movies with the white teachers. He was able to give them a sense of pride in their heritage. I remember the part where he was telling them that it was the Mayans that created the zero, that sense of heritage and pride in the encouragement is what is so important.
When I was growing up I was in a program that really gave me a strong sense of pride in my heritage and that has greatly influenced my life and the directors of this program were all POC, and what was also so important is that they were from inner city neighborhoods also, they understood what it was like growing up there. They recognized that you can live under extreme circumstances and still be happy. I remember a review of Save the Last Dance, by Ebert& Roper, and they said that the people were too happy for what was going on in their lives. They just didn’t get it. I've had many wonderful white teachers who have strongly influenced my life, but what I appreciated about my Black teachers is that they didn't constantly treat me like I was this poor soul from a rough neighborhood. Even though these teachers did care about me and other students and what was going on in our neighborhood, but their attitude always bothered me. I hated telling someone about my life and they feel sorry for me. I hate that I'm sure my life has been used to describe how rough "the ghetto" is. This is the recurring theme in these movies, these teachers go home and talk about how horrible this neighborhood is, and they are shown as the sole heroes of these poor children's lives.
I want to see how wonderful the people in the neighborhood are those who aren't the drug dealers, crack addicted mothers, and imprisoned fathers. Even those who are drug dealers, crack addicted mothers and imprisoned fathers, they are still people and still good people. This is from the daughter of a crack addicted mother. The ghetto isn't this horrible place, yes I do have to be careful about where I walk and when I walk, and yes I am tired of the violence, but that is not all there is in my community. I would not be who I am without my white and Black teachers and adults who have helped me, but I just don't want to see the same old white person to the rescue movies.

Rosie Rosie Rosie

Now I love Rosie O' Donnell, I love watching her on the view, really she's great! BUT, her recent "impression" of Chinese broadcasters where she said ching chong, because clearly that's what all Chinese people sound like. Now if Rosie had just apologized I would have been fine. But her apology was so half assed it made me mad. While she apologized for offending people, she minimized her statement and the hurt felt by Asian Americans. Apparently someone told her that saying Ching Chong is equivalent to calling someone a Nigger, she was like "come on", while I don't necessarily agree, I'm not Asian American and I can't say that that isn't true. You can't diminish someone's pain. She said that she does a lot of accents, but what she doesn't get is that, that was not an accent! My freshman year in college, my roommate was Chinese and she spoke fluent mandarin, and never ever did she sound like "ching chong", when she spoke.
I love Rosie but I feel like her pride got in the way of her giving a truly genuine apology. I'll grant her that her apology was better than Michael Richards' (but that isn't really a hard to beat). Rosie just doesn't want to be aligned with Michael Richards, which rightfully she shouldn't, but she needs to recognize the inherent racism in her comments.

Finals are DONE!!!

FINALS ARE DONE!!!

I made it through my first semester in Grad School and I claimed victory in my theories class!! Now I'm just waiting for my last grade to come in. I ordered some movies from Netflix, I'm going to clean my apartment and enjoy my break!
So Now This is me

it's 5:30 am, I'm writing a paper STILL! I've been secluded in my apartment all weekend doing work so........

black.womyn.:conversations

I am SOOO excited for this movie Words can't even EXLPAIN!!

Posted By:black.womyn.:conversations... the doc coming soon!

Get this video and more at MySpace.com



Go to the Director's MySpace page and check out more videos

I should be writing my paper

I should be writing one of my many papers due this week, but my heart hurts. I was checking on what's going on in the world via CNN.com and I was reading the story about the groom that was shot by police the day before his wedding, and I'm so disturbed. I'm so mad that this young guy not much older than me is dead. Shot by the police. This isn't the first time I'm hearing about this, but today I was looking at the pictures and seeing his fiancée at the funeral, the same church where they were supposed to be married and it breaks my heart. Pictures touch me more than anything and just seeing the casket. This is a shame! All police are not bad I know this because my Uncle who was more of a father to me than my own father is a cop, and he's a good one. But when is enough going to be enough. This man that died was more than just a number, he was a father, a soon to be spouse, he was loved by people. With the article was a picture of Amadou Diallo's mother who attended the funeral, because she lost her son also. When is it going to stop? The article plays up that only two of the cops involved in the shooting were white, like that's supposed to negate the racism within the shooting. Black people are subject to the same images and stereotypes that white people are. Just because someone is Black does not mean that they have not bought in to the same lies. Just because three of the cops were men of color does not mean that they did not racially profile the groom. I'm just mad, because Sean Bell the groom should not be dead now, and his friends should not have been shot.

Check out the article here

FINALS TIME!!!!!

Who me? Stressed? Noo!

World AIDS day

Today I wanted to write a post in memory of all of those who have died because of AIDS. I wanted to write a post that would adequately convey my feelings about watching my 34 year old aunt who his living with this disease. I wanted to write some words that would let people know that this disease is real. I wanted to write something to encourage, inspire and motivate people to do something, anything to help fight this disease. I wanted to write something that would say how horrible I felt at forgetting, forgetting to fight, to think about this disease, forgetting to commemorate this disease. But all I can say is FIGHT!

...and the journey continues.....

This is me when I was younger. With the holidays upon us now it makes me very reflective of my life. Of who I really am, I was foolish enough to think that coming out would be enough, like that would answer all my unanswered questions, but I'm starting to remember why I named my blog journey to enlightenment. I'm still on this journey to finding out who I truly am. As I was home I spoke with my brother about me being a lesbian, well he really just said a few words, but within those words reminded me how much my family doesn't really know me. My brother told me how I was an "Arrogant Christian" and that just really bugged me. My brother's perception of me has been limited to the teenage me.

So where am I on my journey? I don't really know. I've realized that my faith has suffered since I've come out. While rejecting some aspects of my faith that I've realized where wrong, I feel like I'm losing hold of the aspects that were good. I realized this while talking to this girl in my class, I know that she's a Christian and I remember who I was just a few months ago. I was such the good Christian girl, I did everything that I was supposed to do, I prayed a lot, I never cursed, I didn't drink or get drunk, I didn't question I was a good Christian girl, I was Gramz. So much of my identity that was forced on me had to deal with my faith. So, now as I'm trying to figure out the real me I feel the Christian me fading, and I don't want it to. I'm holding on to my faith with every fiber of my being.
So much of my identity up until now has been very reactionary, so how do I welcome the complete me, the real me? How do I embrace ME? I want to go back to the little girl above, the girl I was before I was used, abused and disillusioned. The girl who I was before I was filled with so many lies that I couldn't see the truth. The girl who just was.

Kramer you can keep your fake apology!

I'm sure by now you've heard about how Kramer went on a nice little racist rant after some black audience members heckled him.

I'm so sick and tired of these racist/sexist/homophobic/classist public figures that get caught saying something so horrible, and then issue a public apology. They weren't sorry for saying it, they're sorry for getting caught.

Kramer just went to far, "Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass." "Throw him out he's a nigger?"
How do you say that? And then think an apology will suffice. What is he thinking? I'm just so tired of it.
Then he goes on letterman to apologize and he looks so sincere

I'm going to translate his apology,
"I'm all busted up by the bad press I'm getting, because of my statements, I completely believe everything I said but I just didn't know that it would be broadcasted. I really hope you all will forget what I said, and I'll be a lot more careful next time, and make sure no one has a camera."

What's worst about these apologies is that they never admit to what they said. They say my statements. I want them to say:

When I mentioned X Y and Z that was wrong, because of (insert valid reason here). I am now actively working to reverse my hate and I encourage you all to do the same, because I realize that my statements are a part of a larger societal problem, so while I can never truly make amends for such hateful statements, I will commit to making a difference in my life and others, and I renounce my privilege which made me think that a simple apology will suffice.

Now is this too much to ask for?

update: I just watched the full apology on letterman and he did mention trying to figure out where this rage came from, so I give him half a point. What disturbed me the most, is that he seemed so weird. I didn't get sincere, he spoke of Black people being mad about Katrina, and I was thinking okay.... and what else. what made me mad is that they were looking to give him excuses, well you know you push the envelope. Then he talks about how he's not a racist.... really? because all non racists say things like that, you don't just say things like that all of a sudden. Just admit that you're a racist and are trying to work on that, just be real! AHHHHHH I can't stand this crap!

For Audre!

14 years ago today, the world lost one of the most amazing people to every live. Audre Lorde died November 17, 1992. Recently I heard one of my professors speak of honoring our ancestors and those that came before us, even though I didn't know her and we weren't related, but today I want to honor her.

14 years ago I was only 8 years old, and had no idea who she was or how much she would influence my life later on. It always saddens me to think that she lived and died, and I never knew about her. I wish that I could go back in time, and just ask her so many questions about life, love just everything. I'm at a point in my life where little makes sense most of the time, I feel like I live in a constant state of confusion. But when I read her words I feel like she had an in, like someone told her the world's greatest secrets. She just has such a solid realistic understanding of this world. She theorized about the erotic in a way that I think is just above most people's thinking. Audre Lorde was just simply amazing.

Now all I have are her words that she left behind and I'm grateful for each one, so here's to you Audre the world still mourns your death.



Some of my favorite quotes

“Our visions begin with our desires.”

“If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.”

“It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.”


“When I dare to be powerful - to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid”

“When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak.”

“I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.”

“Our feelings are our most genuine paths to knowledge”

“The master's tools will never dismantle the master's house”

“The sharing of joy, whether physical, emotional, psychic, or intellectual, forms a bridge between the sharers which can be the basis for understanding much of what is not shared between them, and lessens the threat of their difference.”


“I realize that if I wait until I am no longer afraid to act, write, speak, be, I'll be sending messages on a Ouija board, cryptic complaints from the other side”

“I am deliberate and afraid of nothing.”

“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.”

“As we come to know, accept, and explore our feelings, they will become sanctuaries and fortresses and spawning grounds for the most radical and daring of ideas-the house of difference so necessary to change and the conceptualization of any meaningful action.”

"...But I who am bound by my mirror
as well as my bed
see causes in color
as well as sex
and sit here wondering
which me will survive
all these liberations. "
~Audre Lorde (Who said it was so simple)

"Every woman has a well-stocked arsenal of anger potentially useful against those oppressions, personal and institutional, which brought that anger into being. Focused with precision it can become a powerful source of energy serving progress and change." – Audre Lorde


She was beautiful inside and out!

Rest In Peace
Audre Lorde
February 18, 1934 - November 17, 1992

I'm getting married

I'm getting married in South Africa! Who's coming?
All I need is a woman to get married to. I'm taking applications for a political woman with a great sense of humor lol.



This is where I'm going to get married, You all are invited, and whoever introduces me to my special lady, can be in the wedding party :D

No, seriously I am excited for South Africa, their post apartheid constitution is really progressive, and everyone should take a que from them.

Sometimes you just need to rant

Where do I begin?
This world is seriously screwed up!

Apparently I didn't get the message that making fun of Black people in every way possible was actually funny. Nubian highlights this with her post about Texas A&M, but wait that's not it. While browsing around on facebook I see a kid at my undergrad in black face. No wait I'm still not done yet apparently playing up on every stereotype about Black people and making fun of lynchings is a GREAT theme party! Thanks to St. Johns for letting me know, because honestly I didn't realize that.

If that is not enough to make you mad, just wait! Thanks to facebook once again, and a group called 1,000,000 Black students, which is a good group, but has some idiots on the discussion board. I thought the question of why Black people were so anti education was bad enough, but no just wait. My favorite came today with the post titled Wah gwan chi chi gal pt 1, which basically means what's going on with the lesbians. The first post is:

why is all the black woman turning gay,
are they receiving more male energy,
is it becuz of depression, or lowself esteem?
or is it because guys always shit on them so they think its no one else but thier own sex who they think will understand them better

Again that's not even the worst one, you can't forget:

Being gay is a phobia of procreation of some sort. I am certain. FOR NEARLY ALL PEOPLE, their entire purpose in life is to extend their bloodline. Being a fag rejects this from your basic natural principles. Eat/Sleep/Survive/Reproduce.

There are more but I don't even want to go there, I posted a response, but I'm not going to continue to debate and go back and forth.

Oh and Charles Murray, Author of The bell curve is coming to speak at my school tomorrow/today (it's after midnight).

All I have to say is AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I did it!

I did it!
I came out to my mom, and it went great. My mom is so funny she asked me if I realized that I would have to kiss a girl and have sex with her, I'm like yeah. She didn't cry, freak out nothing, she was cool. Told me she had a bad experience with a lesbian in the 70's, she said she was mean to her. I told her at the next meeting I'd bring it up; we'd figure out who it was and promptly revoke her lesbian card. It was great, but tell my why am I freaking out now. Even though it went great, I wish I hadn't told her, because I don't want her to start think of me any differently. I just want things to be the same. We don't talk about my personal life and I want to keep it that way, but I just got motivated to tell her. I was talking with a friend, who recently came out, and we were talking and sharing and I was like I should do it and I did. I just called my mom up, but now I'm soo afraid of when it's going to go bad. I'm terrified, I'm freaking out! My friends are telling me to calm down, but I'm scared that she's going to wake up tomorrow and be like that's not acceptable. I don't know why I can't just allow it to be good. I'm just so afraid that it's going to go bad, I'm terrified that she's no longer gonna see me, but only see my sexuality. Our relationship was finally getting to a place that I was comfortable with, and now I'm afraid it's going to get weird.

Election Time

I remember election day in 1992, sitting on my mother's bed, learning how to crochet and watching Clinton win. I was 8 years old and soo happy, I didn't know much about politics, but I knew that we were going for Clinton, and we were happy that he won. I remember earlier on election day going with my mother in to the voting both and actually getting to vote for president. That's what made that year so special I felt like I was apart of the process.
Every year, my mom would take me and my sisters with her when it was time to vote, it was never a question of whether or not I would vote. That's what we did we voted, whether we believed in that our government cared about us, that's another question but we knew we had a voice in our vote and we used it.
As I get older and enter more liberal circles, I've seen more and more people be anti voting, they say my vote doesn't count, it's not gonna change anything. Which I understand but something deep within me will not allow me not to vote. I just keep going back to getting an I voted today sticker with my mom, and being proud. While our system is flawed, I just don't see the point in not voting.

While I'm dissapointed about the Affirmative action vote in Michigan, and I realize civil rights are still under attack in this country. Having Democrats have control of the house, and our first female speaker of the house, makes me happy.

Welcome Doogie

Add Doogie Howser to the team!

I was silent

I like this video, encouraging you to speak out, and the consequences of staying silent. So often we're silent just because it doesn' t pertain to us, just like in the video. However, I was silent and did affect me.

I'm mad at myself today because I was silent. Tonight I went to a party, and one of the host's drunk relatives shows up. I know the host through my department so of course we can't get together without discussing some political issue, so we began to talk about Ted Haggard, and his scandal. I knew it was going to be trouble from the moment that guy arrived, we were joking about the Haggard saying he was getting a "massage" and buying meth. Then it begins, the relative starts talking about how Haggard's a hypocrite (I agree), a liar (again he's talking right), a meth addict (still nothing wrong), and then he says it a faggot. I just sat there stunned, I looked to the host for some sort of correction, and he goes to try and talk about how it doesn't matter if he's gay or not. I was feeling so many things at once, I felt so uncomfortable, and I didn't know what to do. So I said nothing. I'm so mad at myself, I didn't confront him because he was so drunk, it really would have been ridiculous, and also what if he started to call me names? What would I have done? So taking all of this in to consideration, I sat quietly and texted my best friend.
I had to leave the party early because I came with a friend who had someone waiting for her, and I was so thankful. I just feel like I was using my appearance of straight (I don't mean to play up on stereotypes, but no one looks at me and thinks lesbian) to not enter in to a confrontational situation, and I feel bad about this. I feel like a hypocrite. I don't know, I'm just not feeling to hot