Dream

So a couple of nights ago I had this dream, I've forgotten a lot of it but what I do remember is a few details and general feelings and impressions from the dream. I don't really remember the set up but it was me and some other women together in this room. I have the feeling that they were older than me. We were coming together to do something for women, specifically women of color. I remember that we were lost at some point and weren't sure how to proceed. But, then we read something by Audre Lorde that stressed the importance of writing and the way that writing helped to heal the soul. In my dream I remember that we were specifically reading something of hers, and there was definitely the understanding that she was no longer with us. However, I also have the impression that she was there, that she was physically there reciting her words. I definitely had the feeling of peace, love and acceptance from her. What the dream left me with was that it was writing was imperative to the struggle of women of color. So now I feel like writing, and something else besides this blog and my academic work, but I don't know where to go from here.

Thank you Audre

I'm done with Black Studies

Not only am I done with Black studies but I'm done with Black solidarity. Let me explain what I mean, I'm not done with caring about and supporting my people but no longer will I do so at my own expense. For the past 2 years I have been pursuing a masters degree in Black Studies, and during these 2 years I have had to deal with a ridiculous amount of bias because not only am I a Black woman, but I'm also a lesbian.
My department tries to appear as if they're open and accepting towards non heterosexuals but they're not. I've had to fight just to pursue my research interest and when I produce this research I've had to work 10 times harder than anyone else to show that it is legitimate research. I've had to be the lone voice arguing against heterosexist scholars that we read, but I've also had to deal with harassment because at the time of my entry I was the only out person in the department. To my knowledge in the 5 years that the graduate program has existed I was the first openly queer student. The lack of Queer people in this department has made the faculty complacent in ignoring all issues regarding sexuality. So when it comes time for me to write my thesis and I want to investigate Black Butch Lesbians all I get is resistance. The chair who reluctantly agreed to chair my thesis knows nothing about gender theory, so I've received no critiques of my argument. She's been completely hostile and disorganized the entire time that I've been writing this damned thesis. I've had to listen to her berate me and my work while she's barely read any of it. But did I complain? No. Why? Because I wanted to support my black people and didn't want to cause a commotion, but I'm done with that. I'm tired of being silent because I didn't want to cause problems for Black people who could care less about me, which was evident by the way they treat me. I wish this was the first time that I've had to deal with shit like this, but no I've had to put up with this same shit from my cohort and an entire conference on Black Studies. A friend of mine presented on how a lot of Black women and Black Queer people have left Black studies to do their research in other departments because Black Studies is so hostile. I am about to join the rest of them because I'm tired, I don't think I can take the abuse anymore. I'm tired of being tokenized or ignored in the discipline that is supposed to represent me. I know women's studies can be just as hostile towards women of color - as evidenced by the whole Andrea Smith debacle- but I'm tired. It seems that while women's studies has a tendency to be very white it seems like they at least try to be more inclusive, while Black studies could care less. When I go to reapply to PhD programs at this point the only Black Studies PhD program I'll be applying to is Northwestern because they have a real demonstrated commitment to Queer people and doing research outside of the heteronormative box. So I'm done, I'm tired and I'm pissed! And when I'm finally done with this thesis process I'm complaining to the dean, because this can not continue.

Thesis ahh

Sorry for the delay in posting but thesis has taken over my life.

This picture is so true!

How I'm feeling

First I want to say thanks to all those who have sent their support it really means a lot. I really do love this online community, its definitely been a life line when I've felt completely isolated. I just got back from a department gathering and I feel like crying, but for several different reasons. When I was at the party I got to talk to one of my sheroes who researches the same area as me and is 28 with a PhD and I just stand in awe of her. She's amazing! She really encouraged me and is such a cool drink of water. Its so important to have community and to have someone to bounce ideas off of and affirm my experiences. As you all can tell my grammar is not the best, but on this blog I don't really care because if it bothers someone too bad they can stop reading. But, to hear that someone else struggles like me and it felt good. So I'm so happy that I feel like crying.

I also feel like crying because I can't believe that I'm really never going to see my step brother again. Its hard for me to fully grasp, I just think about all the times that we hung out and how sweet he was, and I'm so mad that he's gone. I'm also mad that it seems like the language isn't there to properly describe his death. He was shot down in his house, someone called him down to the front door and when he came they just shot him. Now that is murder and the law recognizes it as such, but I feel like that definition isn't adequately applied to his death. In the news and by others its said that he was shot, but because he's young, Black and urban there's an implication that he was somewhat complicit in his own murder. He doesn't receive the same sympathy as other murder victims because he's young, black and urban so that happens all the time. This troubles me deeply, but besides that I'm still just stuck on the fact that I'll never see him again. We can't meet up in a little bit and catch up like no time has passed. He can't introduce me to his daughter who I know he loved so much. We can't share in each other's lives , its over. He's gone and I'm still having a hard time understanding that. I can't believe that someone really took his life. It just doesn't make sense , he was such a sweet heart. I always wanted a brother who was closer in age and could be my daily protection and he was that. He had my back he was always there for me when I needed him. At a time when I didn't really fit in with my peers he never made me feel bad about who I was. I'll always love him for that. These are the things I'll think about and then the fact that he's gone will hit me like a ton of bricks. I never thought that I wouldn't have the chance to see him again, this wasn't supposed to happen. He wasn't supposed to die at 26. This world just doesn't make sense.

Spring Break Randomness

Some random thoughts from my sucky spring break

1. I don't know what the hell to do with my hair! My locs have hit a growth spurt, after 5 years I've realized that there come times where I really notice my locs and its always when they reach a length milestone. For example when they finally hit my neck, I smacked myself for a good month before I got used to them. This past summer they hit the middle of my back, and now they're just long and I have no idea what to do.
2. Being rejected by all the schools you applied to really SUCKS!!
   
3. White people are really nice to you when they know that you're going to spend a lot of money in their store.
   
4. I had a dream that me and Tasha from the L word were a couple and Alice was jealous. Yes it was Tasha and Alice not Rose Rollins and Leisha Hailey. That dream was so nice I've been using it to bring my happiness in the midst of this sucky sucky spring break.
   
5. Oh SHIT!! I'm gonna be 24 at the end of the month.
6. Marvita is the reason I continue to watch top model this season.
   
7. Dani Campbell being on the cover of curve made me feel like I was 13 and it was the new issue of Word Up!
   

thoughts in theory class

I'm currently in my feminist theory class, and we're talking about Judith Butler. We're talking about the assumptions and generalizations in feminist discourse. We talked about the assumptions in the works of hooks and Riche, and it got me wondering, how can you write without marginalizing and othering some group?

As someone who wants to research and produce works about Women of color. How do I not do what I criticize other people for doing? are generalizations inevitable?

Northwestern hates me

Today I saw the letter that I was praying that I wouldn't get, my rejection letter from Northwestern's African American Studies PhD program. It was my first choice and now my second rejection I got rejected from UC Irvine's Culture and Theory program. They were both high on my list and now I'm wait listed at Ohio state and waiting to hear from IU Bloomington and Rutgers. Someone's already heard from IU Bloomington and I haven't heard anything so its not looking promising. I could care less about these other programs but I was just really hoping Northwestern would be a yes. My little cousin is here visiting and she's the only reason that I haven't crawled into bed and stayed there. So yeah things really need to turn around and quick because I really don't have a plan B. I'm not planning on staying in this Godforsaken city I'm in now so it'll be go back home where I don't have a room, get a job and try this whole thing all over again. I'm just pissed and upset and am praying that I get in somewhere, anywhere.

It's Christmas eve

Now picture this lady as Black and with locs and you have me. It's Christmas Eve I should be feeling great and stress free. But, I have more applications due in about a week and I'm pretty sure there is no way that I can make the deadline. I'm tempted to drop two more schools from my list. I still haven't finished that last paper, and my head hurts so bad from thinking about this all I have no way to function. I'm going to try and finish everything tomorrow.... pray for me!

Finals time

Finals time is here, I've already completed two papers but I have two more to go for actual grades this semester and this is not counting my thesis stuff and PhD application stuff I need to get done. I'm so stressed out right now words can not describe it. It is times like these that I wonder why I'm in grad school and whether or not I really wanna continue on. I'm so stressed that I can't do anything, and this leads me to further stress out. I'm sitting here and I feel my chest tightening from the weight of this coming week. I don't know if I can really do it all and what are the implications of any of it not getting done. The last time I felt like this I utilized the wonderful gift Di gave me last year for Christmas.
It really helped me last time and hopefully this time it'll work again. I just pray that I make it through this year, and in my PhD program I'll learn how to handle things better. I just can't go on like this there's got to be a better way.

2 am teeth grinding

It's 2 am I'm working on a presentation, and what I've come to realize is that I grind my teeth. Does anyone know how to stop this, besides getting rid of the stress in your life?

Laptop Etiquette

Okay so right now as I'm typing this I'm in class, and yeah yeah sure I shuld be paying complete attention, but come on let's be real one of the main reasons why I have my laptop is so that I can surf the web when I'm bored i nclass. I get it, and completely recognize that this is one of the reasons why many people use their laptops in class, and I'm okay with it. I still get my work done though. My problem though is that while I am very quietly doing something else this loud heffer in front of me is typing away so fucking loudly that I want throw something at her. She's tap tapping away and its annoying as hell so in light of this I decided to post some laptop etiquette for the classroom, just in case this annoying heffer in front of me happens to read this.

1. try and type softly and quietly, while you may be able to deal with your loud tapping the rest of the class wants to cause you severe bodily harm (well maybe that last part is just me)

2. If you are going to go online and surf the web do not sit in a spot where the majority of the class can see what you're doing, its distracting.

3. try to at least appear to be taking notes in class, open up a word document and only type when it would seem appropriate to do so. We all know you're not paying attention, even the professor does, but it's rude to not even attempt to hide it.

4. TURN YOUR SOUND OFF!!!! Now I'm guilty of this every once in a while so a few times are excusable , but please try remember to mute your computer no one wants to hear all the random noises computers make.

If you follow these four simple rules you will be alright

Forever Journeying

I don't know if its just me, but it seems like the times when you are on the cusp of change, of a real breakthrough, thats when everything seems to fall apart. I feel like something big is about to happen, not necessarily big in the sense of something visible or even remarkable to people other than me, but something is about to happen. I have reached a new place in my journey, I'm becoming comfortable in who I am, comfortable enough to fight for it, which I haven't necessarily been ready to do before. I haven't been able to post as much as I would like lately because I've just been so overwhelmed by life, by everything. I am currently taking 4 courses trying to work on my thesis without a committee, apply to grad programs and possibly retake the GRE's. I'm just feeling overwhelmed by it all, and sometimes I feel like I just can't do it and I wanna throw up my hands and quit which is evident by my last post. However, admits all of this I've been having some incredible joys namely the birth of my nephew
I haven't even met him yet, but I already love him. Soon I Anacoana should have her little man, and I also am looking forward to him, because new life brings hope. With all thats going on I've just felt less willing to lie, hide or compromise myself in anyway. I recently got a call from a former fundie friend of mine who I've been avoiding for the past year. She called and said she missed me and asked about whether I was involved in any churches, or youth groups. I didn't tell her about how I've been walking in my identity as a Black lesbian and that I was proud of that. I didn't tell her, I just let her keep her ideas about me and continue to pray for me. But my interaction with her, and my feelings in general about life and everything, have led me to not fear being outed so much anymore. I'm ready to let go of any and everyone who can't deal with me, all of me. Being a lesbian is important but its not all of me and anyone who can't see passed that in my life can leave my life and I'm finally ready to let them go. I'm more confident in my identity as a lesbian, yes I am 23 and a virgin, yes I have never been with a woman as of yet, but this does not mean that I am any less of lesbian or sure of my sexuality. I am no longer ready to let people project their insecurities on to my life. I really feel like a change is about to happen, like I'm finally going to reach that next level in my journey. I'm not sure where its going to take me, but I'm ready for the ride.

Grad School is bad for my health

Its true, this past week I've had about two near breakdowns, why? Because grad school is bad for my health. The amount of stress to perform and perform well is agonizing. The constant negotiation of identity in spaces that were created so that people like you would not survive is sometimes too much. I felt completely overwhelmed by all of the shit I have to get done in order to become a PhD, even just a MA because damnit I have no other options. This is the only thing I love and also loathe. Its stressful, but when I see my research actually making a difference it seems like its worth it, until I get the next nasty look or slide comment from a professor. So Grad school is more than bad for my health its like a methadone, just an exchange of one drug for another, you'd like to be completely drug free but hopefully this will allow you to live a healthy and happy life. I don't know if I'm making any sense this has just been on my mind, and I wanted to post it. piece of advice STAY AWAY FROM GRAD SCHOOL!!

No more pencils
No more Books
No more teachers dirty looks!!!!

My mom used to say that every year when it was the end of school. And now I sing it with glee, because I'm DONE with my first year of GRAD SCHOOL!!!
WOO HOOO!!!!!!!

I made a terrible life choice

sigh....so true! so true!

I'm sick and tired of arrogant narcissistic professors!!
I'm tired of Grad School,
I'm tired of stressing myself out for what? I don't know.
I'm tired of it all!!!

FUCK GRAD SCHOOL
FUCK ACADEMIA
JUST FUCK IT ALL!!!!

Community

So I know I said that I was done and therefore back before but this week has been absolutely crazy and exciting. First my friends came to visit and it was great to see them and show them the new me. I do think that they had some issues adjusting to the new me, the me I'm still learning about, but it was good.

Then as I told you all before I won 3rd place in an essay contest for this Black Studies Conference. In winning I had to briefly tell the whole conference about my paper at a luncheon. I also presented on the same paper at a Panel, my paper was on Black Lesbian Identity. I was so nervous but in the end it was great! This one woman who had come to my school to present on her dissertation earlier this month was there and she sat in the front row. I admire her work so much and was so nervous about how she would react, and she was completely supportive. She sat in the front row and just nodded the whole entire time, and that really set the tone for the whole weekend. I was nervous because this tends to be a very Afrocentric conference, not afrocentric in the way that most people think, but grounded in the theory of Afrocentricity. Homophobia is not embedded within this theory but there is a tendency for Afrocentrists to be homophobic, and view homosexuality as a white disease. So I was really shocked when I won 3rd in the essay contest. But while there I met some amazing Black lesbians who were completely supportive and genuinely proud of me. I found my community, I felt comfortable and safe around them. I got to go out to dinner with a bunch of wonderful Black Feminists/Womanists and it was completely empowering and encouraging. After that I felt like we could start the revolution right then and there.

After I gave my panel presentation this one woman comes up to me and says "thank you for doing this research". The support that I got from the woman I met this weekend was so wonderful and encouraging that I was overwhelmed. I wanted to bring them all home with me so this support could never end. This was one of the first times since I came out that I didn't feel completely alone. I was completely overwhelmed with the out pouring of Love and support from everyone I met there. My essay may even be published!! This weekend gave me even more motivation to continue on in focusing on Black Lesbians, it gave me hope that there is a community out there for me, it gave me strength.

PISSED!!!

I'm swamped with work right now so this is going to be short. But in my department there are a few constant debates the main one is on hip hop, the good the bad and the ugly, and the other is Alice Walker's the color purple. I check out of the hip hop one, but am always involved in the Alice Walker one, especially once I hear the arguments. The debate isn't about whether or not The Color Purple was good or not, but rather how Alice Walker made Black men look horrible. The men arguing against her are upset because to them Black men treating Black women so horribly is almost unheard of. To make it even worst a professor today said that he had found no proof that Black men beat their wives and rape their daughters! ............. I CAN NOT BELIEVE THAT!!

To make such a bogus statement is ridiculous. I wasn't there when the professor made the statement, but my question is has he talked to any Black women? EVER!

When are people going to open their minds and stop denying the fact that Black men do in fact cause harm to Black women.

Grow up!

I am so sick and tired of the competition within academic settings. I don't know if it’s just me but it’s really ridiculous. This past week I have had to deal with all sorts of ridiculous petty drama, mainly because I called someone out on their homophobia and it didn't go over so well.
But back to silly competition, it’s crazy! I made a good point in class and got complemented on it and the supreme kiss ass in class couldn't handle it and got all testy. He tried to take away from my point and said he had already said that... come on! When are people going to grow up! I am too old for this bull shit; I'm not in to competing over who makes the best point in class, and who writes the better paper. I'm here trying to get the most out of this program so hopefully I can get in to a good PhD program. However, these idiots just want to fill my life with drama. Well I'm done! I'm done with people, I'm done with foolish competition, and I’m just staying focused and ignoring everyone around me. There is competition over assistantships and who can present first. I foolishly thought that in Grad School people would actually act like adults, silly me.

Thanks to all those who posted nice encouraging words , I haven't had enough time to respond, but I really appreciate it. Darkmind I'm actually taking some of your advice and I just cut someone out of my life.