Tuesday, December 26, 2006

It's not up to you!

Its not up to you! That's all I want to say to my friend. When I came out to her it didn't go so well, she's my one bad coming out experience. We talked and she felt that I was living outside of God's plan for my life, and she just didn't agree with my life, she wanted me to fight a little more (because 22 years of denial wasn't enough). My sexuality has always been mine, something private sacred that I just kept for me. For years I thought it over, I examined I questioned I belittled I ignored, but through it all it was always mine. Believing that I was straight allowed me the privacy of my sexuality no one questioned how I knew that I was straight or whether I was sure, no one subjected me to the inquisition that has been a part of my coming out process, no one debated whether or not I was going to hell, they just left me alone.
Now that I'm open about the whole me and not hiding I've lost my sexuality. My sexuality has been subjected to the scrutiny of any and everyone, people can sit around and discuss whether or not I'm going to hell because of who I love. Where is my privacy? Where is my chance to just be? What hurts me the most is that the ones that I need support from don't. My mother thinks that I'm going to grow out of this "phase" and one of my best friends is just not going to discuss that part of my life with me. Being a lesbian does not define me, but its a part of me and without knowing that you don't know me. Coming out has been rough for me, I've had to put my sexuality out there, I've lost the privacy that we shared. I question myself daily, I fear about people's reactions, I question whether I'll be allowed to speak to my younger relatives once I come out to my whole family. I have to keep my sexuality hidden from my grandmother because she's old and she won't understand. Coming out while it hasn't been easy I feel whole, complete, things make sense, I feel good. My friend ignoring my sexuality, and my mom thinking that I'll grow out of it and that its still a sin bothers me. Despite feeling great about everything, I needed the support of my loved ones.
So what I keep thinking is its not up to you! I foolishly told my friend when I came out that we'd have to agree to disagree, but that's not the type of friendship I need. I don't need to agree to disagree with one of my best friends when it comes to my sexuality. I don't need to have it ignored in our conversations. It just pisses me off to have people decide whether or not its okay with them that I am attracted to women. I don't know what I'm going to do with my friend, I enjoy our friendship, but I don't know if I can keep being friends with someone who is deliberately choosing to ignore a part of me.

4 comments:

Darkmind said...

I've just completed a project involving pics from other blogs, and you are part of it! Enjoy!

sly civilian said...

the level of intervention is always startling...the folks who got upset with me for not coming out sooner, and the folks who claimed injury because they had gotten so upset when i gave them the answer to the question *they* were asking.

it's not up to them, indeed.

FEMily! said...

I think I know which friend you're talking about, but if I'm wrong, I guess what I'm about to say could apply to your family as well.

I think people are way too removed from each other, and they can't realize that their experiences with discrimination are similar with other people's. There's so much homophobia in the Black community, and I don't understand how they can't empathize with the struggles of coming out and being discriminated against. Does your family and your friend really think that some people deserve discrimination, even after learning about the history of African Americans and simply living as a Black person in America? They have no excuse for not supporting you in the first place because friends and family are supposed to love you unconditionally (even though I don't consider being a lesbian a condition). But to not have a shred of empathy for you is simply selfish and a smack in the face to the people who fought for their freedom.

Jason Hughes said...

Stay strong...

This is one of the hardest yet bravest things you will ever do...

It's all up to you...

And I have faith in you...

“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.” ~Audre Lorde