Haiti my forgotten homeland

My heart has been breaking as I read more and more of the news coming out of Haiti. I am half Haitian. My father and all of my aunts except one were born in Haiti. Now my father is a sporadic visitor in my life. So I don't know very much about that side of me. But, I do know that my grandmother who I am in contact with still calls and sends money and supplies to our relatives there. Today a 7.0 magnitude earthquake hit 10 miles from Port-Au-Prince where my family lives. I'm sitting here wondering if the little girl whose picture I saw at my grandmother's house is still alive, and I'm even more sick that I don't even remember her name. But, I always said someday I'm going to go there and meet them, I'm going to contact them, one day, one day one day. And now I'm not sure if that day will come. I'm just praying for my relatives that I barely know and hoping that I will get that chance to have that meeting.

Please text YELE to 501501 to donate $5 to the relief efforts in Haiti and keep all the people of Haiti in your thoughts and prayers.

silent

When I first saw her face I was silent, I said nothing, didn’t acknowledge it or the pain that was growing in my chest every second I saw that ugly bruise on her face. I didn’t say anything because I wanted to save her from having to come up with another lie or excuse, because we all know what happened. So what would the purpose be of making her lie about something we all know the truth about. I said nothing, because there is nothing left to be said that hasn’t already been said. We’ve said it, all of us. We’ve told her she doesn’t deserve to be beaten like this. We’ve told her how wonderful and beautiful she is, but it doesn’t matter to her because every man in her life has hit her and abused her.

So I said nothing, swallowed the bile that was rising smiled, called her by he nickname and watched her walk out the door back to him. I watch her sit proudly next to him as if half of her beautiful face wasn’t marred with bruises. As if she wasn’t hiding two knife cuts underneath her clothes. She told her daughter she fought for the first 2 rounds but not the last one, because she took a hard hit. As I hear her daughter re tell this story I can’t help but wonder if she’ll leave him before that final too hard hit comes. But, I’m silent, because I’m helpless in this situation. I can’t make her see the beauty we all see, I can’t make her realize he’s scum and isn’t worthy of him. I can’t’ make her tell the truth to the police instead of lie to cover up for him. I can't make her see that if she doesn't leave him he'll kill her before AIDS will. So I’m silent and its killing me, watching him slowly kill her.

Energy

So I've been trying this whole new positivity thing. I always tell other people to think positively about a situation, you know put out the energy you want to get back and all that jazz. I honestly believe it... but for other people. I haven't quite taken hold of this idea for myself, so I tried it. I thought positively about a situation and did not get the results I wanted. I know its not like a gum ball machine where you put in a quarter and you get what you want, its much more complicated than that. But, that's the problem with so many things in this world. So often I know things in my mind but, I struggle with bring that knowledge and acceptance to my heart and soul. So what to do? How do you rectify what you believe in your head with what's in your heart? Isn't that one of the cosmic eternal questions? I find myself thinking about what I did wrong to bring about the wrong outcome? Maybe it's not even a wrong outcome, but just not the one I wanted? I don't know that's another one to add to the list of questions that go unanswered for the time being.

This post probably doesn't make much sense, but I'm definitely writing very stream of consciousness right now, so bare with me. I've been trying to get all of my thoughts out. This is my latest mission, because I find when I hold too much in, it gets to be too much. So I'm releasing all my hopes, dreams, fears and nightmares and hoping that with this release I'll gain some peace. I've even started journaling in an effort to really get it all out. I even bought a nice new journal from Barnes and Noble that is supposed to be eco friendly, fair trade and made by a women's co op in Nepal. I really feel like it's inspiring me to write more. Anyway I think that I've definitely verbally vomited enough on this blog for tonight.

More of the same

Hot damn its been 3 months since my last post. I haven't updated my blog in a while mainly because I wasn't really sure, how personal I still wanted this space to be. But you know what fuck it I got shit to say and this is my space to say it.

It's currently 2:31am and I just got back in from sitting in front of cops with my aunt waiting for answers about my little cousin who just got arrested. about an hour ago I was laying in my bed when I heard the too familiar sound of the police officer knock. All those who've had police come knocking at their door for one reason or another knows exactly what it sounds like. Anyway 2 female police officers come in asking for my aunt and tell me that my cousin just got arrested I later find out that its for possession with an intent to sell. So not only is it a felony, but apparently they're not going to let him out until his court date.

These are all the details and while they're important that's not what bothers me. If I'm being completely honest I knew my lil cousin was selling drugs. When you would ask him he would always say know, but my entire family recognized the signs. But, his mother isn't exactly the best example for not being involved in illegal activities considering her boyfriend is one of the biggest drug dealers in our neighborhood. I know the reasons why my cousin has fallen into gang life, dealing and using drugs, its largely due in part to my aunt being so messed up herself she hasn't really put in the time and love into raising her son, and no matter how much the rest of my family pours love into my nephew it can't compare to getting it from his mother. As I write this I find myself needing to justify and defend my nephew and his actions, but fuck all of that. He's my baby, I was one of the first people to watch him as a baby. I've grown up with him and seen him through so many different phases in his life. So despite all of his bad decisions he's still my man man. My little cousin who I hold near and dear to my heart and the idea of him sitting in prison scares the shit out of me, because he's my baby. I know he's no saint and was definitely in the wrong, but as I sit here all I'm wondering is, is he scared? Is he ok? Is he getting picked on and beat up? Why can't we go and get him? I was getting so hopeful about him lately. I've been seeing more of him and he wasn't looking as depressed as he has in the past. I was thinking finally he's coming around. He's going to be alright and then he gets arrested. We have a family reunion coming up in August and last night I had a dream about my whole entire family hanging out and having a good time and he was there. But now he's most likely not going to be at the reunion. He's most likely not going to get off with just probation he's going to do time and that scares me. Because despite his tough exterior my cousin is very sensitive, and I don't know if he's strong enough for jail.

It was just so surreal standing out there waiting on word with so many others similarly waiting for word. Some just nosey and some there for support, but what really pissed me off was just how common this scenario is. The crying mother, women in their nightgowns and head scarves, all arms crossed starring daggers at police who just view us more of the same.

Reconnecting

Hey look a real post!

I grew up with two sisters and an older brother. My mom has four kids so technically I'm not a middle child, but among my sisters I'm in the middle. But, my father had another daughter about a year and a half after my younger sister was born. The first time I met her, I was 7 and she was 3. We took pictures in the hallway of her mother's apartment and then we left. That was also the first time I heard about her. The next time I saw her she was 12 and all about N'Sync and the Backstreet boys. Now that I'm older I decided to look her up and I found her on facebook (who says facebook is pointless). I sent her message after she added me and we've been talking back and forth trying to get to know eachother, and I feel good about it. She's so young and just cute she tells me about her day and her plans for the weekend.

I'm hopeful about our relationship, but what scares me is I'm not out to anyone on my father's side. I practically never see them and the only one I really care about is my grandmother and she's old and very catholic and I don't want to risk being disowned in her final years. So now I'm wondering how to proceed with my sister, you can begin to assume that I'm gay from my facebook page, and I want to have an open honest relationship with her, but I don't want to be out to my father's side who she's closer with. So I'm not sure how to proceed, but for now I'm enjoying being reconnected with my sister.

My escape

It's 4:30 in the morning, and I'm still up, and I have no good reason why. The truth is that I just finished a book that I just started. It's the fourth book in the Anita Blake series, what can I say I'm hooked. My mother is getting concerned that I like reading so many sci-fi novels. She thinks I'm on my way to becoming a pagan. Now I would like to tell her that I've met many a nice pagan and being pagan is not like what you hear about it, but I figure that wouldn't make her feel any better, so she can just keep on thinking I'm on my way to becoming a witch. A lesbian and a witch, it's a little cliche isn't it? Anyway, what my mom doesn't get is that I'd much rather read a book that centers around something so far out of our everyday reality where the good guys always win, because who wants to be reminded about how shitty this world is all the time. So instead of that I read books about our current time, but the majority of the issues come from the fact that we've got vampires, zombies, ghouls and other supernatural creatures running around, not because George W. Bush has been our president for the past 8 years. These novels are my escape from reality, what's yours?

Beware!! Lesbian processing

So I've missed 2 important dates, My bloggeversary and the anniversary of me coming out. I started this blog 2 years ago trying to process "my dilemma" as I was calling it, because I was too afraid to even type the words lesbian or gay. The whole idea of me being gay was terrifying and I felt so very alone. Blogging really helped me find a community which was amazing and really helped me in those early months.

So now its been 2 years and I'm reflecting on everything and I feel like I should be at a different point than I am, I feel like I'm sort of beginning again. So let me back track a little bit, I count my official coming out as July 10, 2006 because that is when I first told my best friend and she was the first person who actually knows me in real life to know. At that time I just graduated from undergrad and was about to start my graduate program and move to a random ass southern city. At the time I was really looking forward to getting out of my home state of CT and from a lot of the people I knew because them knowing me was suffocating. Everyone had this perception of who I was, the good little Christian girl who did not curse, think about sex let alone have a sexuality, drink or do anything worldly ( you should have seen the uproar my first tattoo caused). That was just too much so I figured a change of scenery would be good. In hindsight I think that was the wrong decision. I left an area where I had someone who was showing me around all the Queer areas and guiding me to go to an area where I knew no one. When I left my hometown I was still in a place of trying to be what a lesbian was supposed to be like, which led me to do a lot of compromising. In my program I was the only Queer person there, and had to carry the weight of a whole community I still didn't fully understand. My program was very hostile and these past 2 years have been some of the hardest I've ever had to deal with. There were some nice moments while I was away but in general I was completely miserable, and this consequently sent me into a nice depression that I'm still working on emerging from.

I realized that when you're coming out you really need someone there to lead you along, show you the community, let you know you're not a freak and really be that shoulder. I definitely wouldn't have made it had it not been for my hetero friends, but your hetero friends can be very supportive ultimately I think you need another Queer person there. Because unless you've gone through this process you have no idea what it's like, and you can't ever fully relate. So I didn't have the gay guru when I was in grad school so I've been fumbling my way through this whole process and now that I'm home and confronting everything that I was running from before I feel like I'm back at square 1. However, being in such a hostile environment has given me more assurance in my identity and I'm definitely not going through the whole I don't know why the fuck I feel this way thing anymore. I know I'm a lesbian and I'm completely happy with it, its just that now I have to deal with this whole outside world, which is the annoying part. I'm searching for a community here either in CT or in NYC. I'm learning to deal with being the gay kid in my family and feeling like I fit, but not really because I'm not like everyone else. These are all things that I think I would have been farther along if I had not moved. Now I'm having to come out ot people who I'm not close with, and others that I hadn't said anything to, like my only Black Lesbian friend in College. Oddly its slightly harder to come out to Queer folks who knew me when I was a Super Christian.

Anyway so here I am 2 years out, and still learning, still growing and if there was any doubt to me being a Lesbian this long ass processing post should be evidence lol.

Oh Baby!

So my mom picked up my nephew for the weekend, and this little boy absolutely melts my heart. He is too adorable! He's such an easy going baby, he doesn't fuss and the way he laughs at me makes me feel like I'm the funniest person in the world. This past weekend I spent sometime with both my nephew and my godson, my godson mind you has puss and boots eyes. He's really going to cause me to give him whatever he wants because when he looks at me with those eyes I'm powerless. My nephew has long eyelashes and killer dimples, so basically I'm ready to empty my bank account if they ask me to.

My mom is so excited because she has another vegetarian in the house, even if he is only 10 months old. So I'm on baby duty pretty much, but I don't mind, he's just that cute. Right now as I'm sitting here he is knocked out on my bed. I was gonna let him stay in my bed, just so I don't have to wake him to move him, but he may be small but he can hog a bed. But, the main point of this post is looking at him and my Godson, I just wonder how could anyone ever hurt a child? I know all babies aren't as easy going, but how can you look down at that little person and want to seriously cause them harm?

Look at my beautiful nephew in the car with his cool shades on

baby on the way

Right now I'm in the hospital with my cousin as she's getting induced. She's doing really well so far handling the pain and everything.
Now I know she's only 16 but people shouldn't assume she doesn't know what she's in for. This white male nurse comes in and talks to her like she's an idiot then he asks if she remembers the doctor that's going to induce her. He proceeds to describe her as "a Black girl". I was too through, but I tried to be calm for my cousin, but I was too aggravated. So now I'm waiting with my family for our newest member to arrive. Trying not to kill any one

Missing in Action

So I've been a little MIA lately because so much has happened. I moved out of the hell that was my southern city. I defended my thesis...successfully? I have some major revisions to do but I haven't had the time/motivation. I'm also home finally! The move was a grueling 16 hour drive, it usually only takes about 13-14 but for some reason it took so much longer. I'm still in the process of unpacking which is taking longer than it needs to. This is partly due to the fact that I don't have any motivation to do anything besides play board games with my family. We've been playing monopoly, Life, Uno, Crazy eights and Bull Shit. I killed in Monopoly the first game, but then lost miserably, but its been fun playing with my little cousins and my sister. What's funny is that during life I was the only one who didn't land on a tile to have any children, figure the dyke is discriminated against lol.
My little cousin was due on tuesday so she's now 3 days over due and so ready for this baby to be born. I've gone to 2 appointments and seen her get a sonogram and hear the baby's heartbeat. It was pretty cool I was dancing to the heartbeat. I find it hard to believe that she's going to be a mother soon. She's only 16 but ready or not she's gonna be a mommy. The father has skipped out of the picture, he pops in every now and then but is nowhere near as involved as he claimed he was going to be. But, she's handling it well, she's gonna be a good mom. I going to be in the room when she delivers and I'm not sure how I feel about that, I don't really want to see all of that. I saw a video when I was in the 7th grade and it seriously made me want to reconsider having children, and now I'm at a point in my life where I'm not sure I want to have kids. I really like kids, but I'm definitely not in a place where I feel like I want to be responsible for another person, someone who is really depending on me for everything... that's scary. Anyway I'm slowly emerging from my family seclusion and should be posting more soon.

Help a Sista out!

Okay its community building time!
All of us Queer folks know how difficult coming out is, whether you've done it or are dreading it. So I just read over at Jasmyne Cannick's site about a Black Lesbian sister who just came out and it didn't go so well. She's been cut off financially and has graduation coming up with no way to pay. So if you guys can spare a few dollars, it'd really help. Follow this link to the original post to learn more about her story and how to help.

How I'm feeling

First I want to say thanks to all those who have sent their support it really means a lot. I really do love this online community, its definitely been a life line when I've felt completely isolated. I just got back from a department gathering and I feel like crying, but for several different reasons. When I was at the party I got to talk to one of my sheroes who researches the same area as me and is 28 with a PhD and I just stand in awe of her. She's amazing! She really encouraged me and is such a cool drink of water. Its so important to have community and to have someone to bounce ideas off of and affirm my experiences. As you all can tell my grammar is not the best, but on this blog I don't really care because if it bothers someone too bad they can stop reading. But, to hear that someone else struggles like me and it felt good. So I'm so happy that I feel like crying.

I also feel like crying because I can't believe that I'm really never going to see my step brother again. Its hard for me to fully grasp, I just think about all the times that we hung out and how sweet he was, and I'm so mad that he's gone. I'm also mad that it seems like the language isn't there to properly describe his death. He was shot down in his house, someone called him down to the front door and when he came they just shot him. Now that is murder and the law recognizes it as such, but I feel like that definition isn't adequately applied to his death. In the news and by others its said that he was shot, but because he's young, Black and urban there's an implication that he was somewhat complicit in his own murder. He doesn't receive the same sympathy as other murder victims because he's young, black and urban so that happens all the time. This troubles me deeply, but besides that I'm still just stuck on the fact that I'll never see him again. We can't meet up in a little bit and catch up like no time has passed. He can't introduce me to his daughter who I know he loved so much. We can't share in each other's lives , its over. He's gone and I'm still having a hard time understanding that. I can't believe that someone really took his life. It just doesn't make sense , he was such a sweet heart. I always wanted a brother who was closer in age and could be my daily protection and he was that. He had my back he was always there for me when I needed him. At a time when I didn't really fit in with my peers he never made me feel bad about who I was. I'll always love him for that. These are the things I'll think about and then the fact that he's gone will hit me like a ton of bricks. I never thought that I wouldn't have the chance to see him again, this wasn't supposed to happen. He wasn't supposed to die at 26. This world just doesn't make sense.

a note on grief

On thursday while I was at the conference my mother calls me to tell me that my step brother was shot and killed. I didn't cry or scream when I found out I was stunned in disbelief. I haven't seen him in years, but he had added me on myspace. When I found out I began to wonder why I hadn't written him a message saying hi, how are you doing. Why didn't I try and meet up when I was home? These are all questions that are plaguing me. I want to go to the funeral and say goodbye. But, its weird in some ways I feel like I don't have a right to be sad, we haven't spoken in years.

I'm currently just feeling a whole lot of things right now. I haven't told a lot of people. I was trying to put it out of my mind, but now I'm home and my mind is wandering and all of these questions are just messing with me. I've only had one other person close to me die. I don't really know what to do. I'm also a little hesitant to go because my step father may be there and my step brother's funeral isn't the place for a confrontation, but I just couldn't allow him to come near me without spazzing out. I don't know there's just a lot going on.

In search of home

Oh the frustration, I'm home in Connecticut and I have been anxiously waiting to get home and away from the middle of nowhere and all was well for the most part, I got to see my beautiful nephew who absolutely loves me, which is evident in the way I'm consistently able to make him smile. I know that my family loves me, but its not that simple.

This is my first holiday being semi out, I don't know who knows I'm a lesbian and who doesn't. I come home to find out that my mom has outed me to my crazy conservative aunt, knowing that I was thinking that everyone knew. But the environment was very different. Lesbians were brought up several times and it was never in a completely positive light. First I find out that my "player" cousin, who is a sweet heart but is also a dog, he has several kids by several different women. Apparently the latest development is that two of the women are now together. Now discussing this my uncle seemed unable to comprehend such a thing and there were also a bunch of ewwwws. This was by my family who I'm guessing doesn't know about me but my mother kept talking about how she looked like a dyke in this one picture. Then there was a commercial where two womem were kissing and again in typical teenager fashion we heard lots oh ewwwwws.

I've been reading everything I can get my hands on about coming out and coming home for the holidays, but I still wasn't prepared for all of this. I'm beginning to understand why so many queer folks have created families. If my family's general ambivalence and disdain towards lesbians weren't enough there were the 3 fights with my older sister, in which I get accused of holding my degree over everyone's heads, made me yearn for this even more. Unfortunately some experiences with "friends" have left me less than hopeful about getting this family.

But this week home has made me want that safe place, that place where I'm understood and accepted. But I don't even know if that place exists so I'm on my way back to the middle of no where and to my apartment where I may be alone but at least I don't have to put up with no bull shit

I feel like I'm in mourning

I feel like I'm in mourning, and I feel bad about it. I'm mourning the loss of my little cousin's childhood, she's fifteen and its all over now, its time for her to become an adult and I'm so sad about it. I'm feeling so many conflicting things I don't even know how to describe it. She's had it rough especially these last couple of years. She's had to deal with sexual abuse, her mother and all her craziness, and just instability in her life. But, through it all I've tried to remind her of how beautiful she is, and how she can accomplish anything. I was fighting for her so hard because I saw this coming. The signs were all there low self esteem, crazy home life, lack of parental attention, and all the wrong attention from boys. I saw from when she lost her virginity at 13 to a boy who lied about his age and didn't care about her at all. And now, as if her life hasn't been hard enough its about to get even harder because her life is no longer her own. I spoke to her briefly online today and she told me how in between her mother screaming and cussing her out her mother finally told her that she's HIV positive. She's been positive for the last 10 years of her life, and admits all this stress now she has more to deal with. I'm so mad at her though and I hate that I'm mad at her but I am, because while there have been so many people fighting for her she hasn't been fighting for herself. She's never allowed herself to dream about big things, and I'm mad about that. She's beautiful, intelligent, talented and just a great person but she doesn't see that in herself and it hurts. I just don't know how to proceed because since I've found out this has been the most I've been able to speak on this. I just don't know what to do.

My 15 year old cousin is pregnant

My 15 year old cousin is pregnant.

I don't know what to do with this all, she's only 15. She can't drive, vote, or even get a job, but she's going to be a mother. I can't be excited like usual when we learn of a new baby on the way, because the mom's not ready. She's committed to keeping the baby, but I can't see her as a mother. I remember when she was born, she can't even manage her own life. I don't even know what else to say once this sinks in maybe I'll be able to write a more coherent post

new baby

Congrats to my bestest friend ever on the birth of her beautiful little boy! I just wanted to officially post this online. I got to see him yesterday and he is tied with my nephew for the cutest baby ever, well at least in my eyes I know to each respective parent their son is number one. She's a great mom already and I can't wait to see her walk fully in her momdom lol

Forever Journeying

I don't know if its just me, but it seems like the times when you are on the cusp of change, of a real breakthrough, thats when everything seems to fall apart. I feel like something big is about to happen, not necessarily big in the sense of something visible or even remarkable to people other than me, but something is about to happen. I have reached a new place in my journey, I'm becoming comfortable in who I am, comfortable enough to fight for it, which I haven't necessarily been ready to do before. I haven't been able to post as much as I would like lately because I've just been so overwhelmed by life, by everything. I am currently taking 4 courses trying to work on my thesis without a committee, apply to grad programs and possibly retake the GRE's. I'm just feeling overwhelmed by it all, and sometimes I feel like I just can't do it and I wanna throw up my hands and quit which is evident by my last post. However, admits all of this I've been having some incredible joys namely the birth of my nephew
I haven't even met him yet, but I already love him. Soon I Anacoana should have her little man, and I also am looking forward to him, because new life brings hope. With all thats going on I've just felt less willing to lie, hide or compromise myself in anyway. I recently got a call from a former fundie friend of mine who I've been avoiding for the past year. She called and said she missed me and asked about whether I was involved in any churches, or youth groups. I didn't tell her about how I've been walking in my identity as a Black lesbian and that I was proud of that. I didn't tell her, I just let her keep her ideas about me and continue to pray for me. But my interaction with her, and my feelings in general about life and everything, have led me to not fear being outed so much anymore. I'm ready to let go of any and everyone who can't deal with me, all of me. Being a lesbian is important but its not all of me and anyone who can't see passed that in my life can leave my life and I'm finally ready to let them go. I'm more confident in my identity as a lesbian, yes I am 23 and a virgin, yes I have never been with a woman as of yet, but this does not mean that I am any less of lesbian or sure of my sexuality. I am no longer ready to let people project their insecurities on to my life. I really feel like a change is about to happen, like I'm finally going to reach that next level in my journey. I'm not sure where its going to take me, but I'm ready for the ride.

That's right everyone my sister in law is currently in labor right now, and soon I shall be an Auntie!!!

Trip home

I don't see how it is that I updated more when I was in Trinidad than since I've been home. It has been a whirlwind week. I got back from Trinidad late on the 3rd and flew home to CT on the 9th. In between then I had to reclaim my house from fruit flies, try and organize/unpack a little more, and also write a paper for my Trinidad class, which I still haven't done. Fortunately I had a great time being home; I spent most of my time in some area of NYC and mainly with anacoana because it was her baby shower. The baby shower was simply amazing; it was great seeing so many people I haven't seen since I graduated a year ago. It was interesting trying to be true to who I am now as opposed to the person I was when I graduated. I didn't want to slip in to the old image of me, but I am still having a hard time completely breaking that old image and revealing the true me. This was evident in how I awkwardly was walking around with a beer, or how I had to sneak and make myself a drink so to not draw attention to me. I already had to answer a few "oh my goodness is that a beer in your hand?" which was nothing but awkward. I didn't come out to anyone this weekend and mainly kept my sexuality quiet, but this weekend wasn't about announcing my sexuality to people it was about celebrating the pending arrival of my Godson. There was only one instance in which it would have been relevant for me to announce my sexuality, and I didn't in that instance because I was involved in a debate with a "friend" about whether heterosexism was an important system of oppression. In that case I didn't feel like he was worthy of getting to know more about me.

As I said before the baby shower was beautiful, not only did I get to hang out with my best friend but I also got to chill with TS. Being around Anacoana makes me not want to get pregnant, not because she was miserable and made pregnancy look like it, but because she's like 8.5 months pregnant and is carrying it so well, and I know I won't be as fortunate. But overall she's going to be an amazing mother, and I can't wait to see what her little boy is going to look like.

I also got to hang out with my brother and sister in law and see her belly. She's about 2.5 weeks ahead of anacoana and my little nephew is already 6.5 pounds and he still has a month to go. My family doesn't have little babies; I was my mom's lightest at 8 pounds. Unfortunately my sister in law hasn't enjoyed the minimal weight gain like anacoana and has gained weight everywhere but is still beautiful and glowing. I also had a very interesting conversation with my brother concerning my sexuality. It was weird and slightly frustrating because he was asking about the elephant in the room, and I didn't feel like I was purposefully ignoring the subject of my sexuality it just didn't have any place in the conversation that we were having, he was encouraging me to talk about it more with my mom, which was weird because I don't feel like I hide anything from my mom. While I understand his point that my mom wants to talk about it more, but I simply will not be rushed/pushed on anything anymore. What I feel like my family doesn't understand is that this has nothing to do with them. My sexuality is not about them, it is about me. I understand they want to know more and be involved, but I'm not going to go at a rate that is uncomfortable to me in order to appease them, and they're just going to have to deal with it. So this has been overall a very interesting little visit.