I decided to fight

So I've been in therapy for a while now. I've been trying to get a handle on my life and more importantly this depression that has been damn near crippling me for 2 years. Last thursday night I was having a really bad night. I was filled with tons of self doubt and anxiety. Oddly enough I've also had a therapy assignment to list 7 positive things about myself. One for each day in between therapy sessions, realizing how hard it was for me sort of sent me in to a tail spin of shame and anxiety.

The next day (friday ) I was supposed to go see Bassey Ikpi perform in NYC and then I was going to stay with my BFF/Wife and then go to this play. Nice full weekend, but I felt like doing none of it. I just wanted to stay at home in bed and curl up with a good book. I didn't want to move, think or be bothered with people. Especially when I was feeling so broken and raw. But, I pushed myself. I made myself get up and out of the house despite how I felt, and despite how I felt I looked. I pushed myself despite the overwhelming weight of my depression. And I'm so glad I did. I felt like Bassey was in my bedroom the night before and was witnessing my complete breakdown. It was like her poems were in my head and they touched me so deeply words can not describe. I was also feeling very exposed and anxious about being there by myself. My wife couldn't come with me because she couldn't find a babysitter. Luckily I saw the one person that I knew in real life from twitter dopegirlfresh. She's such an amazing person and so warm and friendly. That I no longer felt alone and devastated. The evening was a hit, and the next day I got to spend it with my adorable godson and my wife, it reminded me that she's my wife and best friend for a reason (not like I could forget) just those few hours in the presence of someone truly safe watching Frida was healing. After that I went out for a peanut butter and jelly doughnut and then caught the last half of Sharon Bridgforth's Blood Pudding. I left feeling better and rejuvenated.

I wanted to keep that feeling, so when all the negative shaming thoughts began to creep back in to my life. I began to change the subject in my internal monologue. I started thinking of better things or just something else to stop the pain I put myself through. And who would have guessed but it's actually been working. I don't feel completely free of what ails me, but it's better. By stopping the shame I'm able to breathe a little bit easier and I've been able to keep some those wonderful positive vibes from this weekend. I'm determined to be happy and I've decided to fight to keep myself feeling better. I've realized that all too often once that first wave of depression hits me, I've tended to lay down and give in. No more I'm going to try and fight to be happy and not struggle so much to do small things. Who knows one day it just may work. I've decided to do the work that's necessary to get better, and that's actually something that I took away from Bassey, I'm going to be committed to getting better, because I can't live like this forever.

It was after this poem that I texted my wife and said "She's trying to kill me." Yeah this poem is just..... yeah

This path

So last night despite feeling great most of the day, I started to feel a little down, so I pulled out some books, I needed something to make me feel better, so I grabbed a couple of Audre Lorde books, but I was having a hard time concentrating. As I was scrambling to find something to hang on to, to make it through this dark spot. I started thinking that I needed healing words. I wrote it down in my journal. I wrote I need healing words, from strong women who have been through it all so I can know that I can make it. After writing I started to feel a little bit better, and then as I was skimming through the Audre's Cancer Journals and I come to this article that was written exactly 5 years before I was born. On March 30, 1979 she wrote about her mastectomy and her fear that she'd never regain the pleasure that she got from that right breast that was removed. She wrote :

"... That sense has completely passed away, as I have come to realize that that well of feeling was within me. I alone own my feelings. I can never lose that feeling because I own it, because it comes out of myself. I can attach it anywhere I want to, because my feelings are apart of me, my sorrow and my joy.
I would never have chosen this path, but I am very glad to be who I am, here."
~Audre Lorde

I love that whole passage but especially that last part where she says I would never have chosen this path, but I am very glad to be who I am, here. How amazingly strong and self assured. Even through a horrible trying time, she was able to see through it all and cling on to her own sense of self. Beneath all of her pain, there was a deep love and acceptance of herself and every aspect of her. That's amazing, I know it's something I don't have yet, but hopefully I will be there one day. I'm beginning to realize that there is no sense in bemoaning where I'm at in my life or the many paths my life has taken me down, because beneath it all. I've always been me, and I need to learn to connect to myself more and not be side tracked by everything else, even my own feelings because they don't control me, I control my feelings.

Sigh I just love her, and I'm grateful for the revelations that came to me last night, hopefully someone out there will be similarly blessed.

Even a little is still better

These past 2 years have been really really rough on me. I've been in one of the deepest depressions of my life, but thankfully I can say even though it's been rough, it hasn't been the worst. Anyway today I realized that I'm feel a little bit better. I'm not 100% yet, but I feel myself creeping out of my hole. I've noticed more bright days than dark so I'm feeling optimistic. Gnarls Barkley has a song that actually describes where I'm at perfectly.

My favorite line of the entire song is "even a little is still better". This song is just perfect right now. Enjoy and here are the rest of the lyrics

"A Little Better"

[Cee-Lo]
Now I can sing you the storyline
And if you like my story fine
But ain't none of the glory mine
See my life was a lonely one
And I was still momma's only son
With no idea what I'm gon' become
And I didn't have long to know
That you don't have to be grown to go
I could have died so long befo'
Then I finally saw the sign
And I made it on down the line
One step at a time

[Chorus]
I feel better!
I can smile at it now, I feel better
Ohhhh, better!
And even a little is still better
Oh, have mercy on me

[Cee-Lo]
Ohhh it's probably plain to see
That I got a whole lot of pain in me
And it will always remain in me
So cold, it's a cryin shame
Yet here I am, tryin again
Cause I refuse to die in vain
The circumstances put soul in me
And there ain't no holdin me
I've got a heart made of gold in me
Hah, can you believe this is where I've been?
And when adversity comes again
I'll deal with it then

[Chorus]
I feel better!
I can laugh at it now, I feel better, heh heh
Ohhhh, better!
And even a little is still better
Oh, have mercy on me-heeeeeeee

[Cee-Lo]
Ah-ahhh-hahhh-ah yeahhh
Mmmmmmmmmm, ohhhhhhh-oh-ohhhh!

I said everything's fine, you can take your time
What would be on your mind, if you knew you was dyin
I would wanna just feel this ah-one more time
I said everything's fine, take yo' time
What would be on your mind, if you knew you was dyin
I would wanna just feel this ah-one more time
I wanna thank you morning sun
I wanna thank you lowly dirt
Now I know I'm not the only one
I, I wanna thank you friendly ghost
When all the calls were close
It seems like you cared the most
I, I wanna thank you Mom and Dad
For hurtin me so bad
But you're the best I ever had
I, I wanna thank you... [fades]

Questions on my mind

Random late night questions:
It's damn near 1:30am and these are some of the questions keeping me up right now. I just figured if I got them out of my system maybe the answers would become clear.

• How do you feel safe doing everyday average things, when that safety has been violated?
• Do you ever feel safe letting someone you care about out of your sight after they've been hurt?
  
• When you feel pain so deeply because of someone else's trauma how do you keep it inside so you don't pull them back down with you?
• Is it ever going to be safe to be a woman in this world?

If my life were a paranormal romance novel

If my life were a paranormal romance novel, instead of having these super strong defenses that keep most people at arms length; I would have mental shields that protect me from having my mind controlled. I’d be this super strong kick ass woman who protects those she loves and is actually successful at it. When someone I care for is hurt I’d be able to use my super powers and get vengeance, and everyone would know not to mess with the people I care for. If my life was a paranormal romance novel, at the end of the book. I’d get the girl and the bad guys would lose. But, my life isn’t a paranormal romance novel and sometimes, more often than not, the bad guys win and I can’t protect those I love.

Let's connect!

I've been thinking a lot lately about meeting one on one and having physical interaction with each other. It's so easy not to do this day and age, because we have so many other mediums of communicating. Hell, we text more than we talk now a days. So this really came up last weekend when I was talking with a friend about the importance of marching and why I'm marching in this national equality march. I was thinking that it's important to be known as more than a signiture or an ip address or a screen name.

Our lives and experiences are real and important and making connections with one another in real life can't compare to the best of online conversations. Oddly enough Bruce Willis' new movie surrogates reminded me of that. It got me thinking would I want some robot out there living my life for me? The answer is a clear no there is just something about being out there and living life for real that can't be beat. Especially when it comes to activism its important for us to have an online pressence as well as a physical one. So this weekend I'll be in DC marching for equality, cold and all. So if you're gonna be there too and want to meet up let me know, because I'm heading down there by myself. I'll see you there.

Friday Lustfulness

Its been a while since I've featured a beautiful woman on my site. So to set your weekend off right, here's someone I've been lusting after for a while. None other than the beautiful and intelligent Melissa Harris-Lacewell.

She first came to my attention when she murdered Gloria Steinem in a debate on Democracy Now! It was so beautiful she definitely represented for Black feminists everywhere. She's since been on Rachel Maddow and a million other places spreading her knowledge and beauty. You can catch her on her blog or follow her on Twitter, which I highly suggest...she's funny too! ::swoon::

Marginalize This!!

I am so fucking tired of this election season!!
I just watched the Gay Agenda vlog over on After Ellen but its also up at the visible vote and After Elton. In it they asked the insightful comment of whether it was more radical to have a woman president or an African American man. Yes, they didn't qualify woman with white, because white is THE race and doesn't need to be qualified. I'm so tired of this thinking I'm posting below part of my comment that I left up there.

Let me start off by saying no I don't think that Clinton should withdraw, I really don't think the race has reached that point yet. But what really bothers me is the way that so many people especially Clinton supporters act as if Race is not an issue anymore in this country and this race. Well it is an issue when they want to claim some mystical Black card that the Clintons supposedly got so many years ago.

Is it more radical to have a woman than an African American man? was the question you asked, well tell me this does Clinton have no race? Why does Barack get a racial qualifier and Clinton doesn't? Is her womanhood raceless? Does she have no racial privilege? Oh I'm sorry apparently white privilege doesn't exist anymore, only male privilege.

I don't really care about you being objective or not, but just as you accuse of the media of having a bias towards Obama and ignoring the sexism directed towards Clinton. You two are completely ignoring any racial implications involved in this race. Simply posing the question of is it more radical to have a woman or an African American male. Is building on the assumption that sex oppression is somehow worst than race based oppression. This thinking is what has led to the continued marginalization of Women of color.

I wish that they were the only ones who were doing this, but no Christine Craft manages to be even more offensive in an article for SF Gate. Some of my favorite parts are

While sexism hasn't had the same hideous history of lynchings as its companion "ism," the case can be made that gender bias is even more prevalent, more accepted, more insidious and more likely to die a drawn-out death. The presidential campaign of Hillary Rodham Clinton is this thesis writ large.

and

I was taken aback years ago when I had a conversation with Anita Hill. She told me the most disheartening turn of her righteous objection to the coronation of Clarence Thomas had been the attacks she bore from women. She saw all too clearly then that women were the last n-words, conditioned to denigrate their own kind.

that last one reminded me of an essay that I read in Pearl Cleage's book Deals with The Devil. Where she quotes Yoko Ono saying that Women are the niggers of the world. Pearl brilliantly asked after then what are Black women? I'm so sick and tired of the way this election is shaping discourse!

Then we have Tina Fey saying "Bitch is the new Black!" Please someone tell me what the FUCK that is supposed to mean?

This should be an amazing and exciting time for the first time ever we have a White woman and a Black man who could actually gain the democratic nomination and even win! But, instead of being excited and motivated I'm reminded that as a woman of color I'm invisible. And my identity as a Queer woman of color is inconceivable but so many people, because everyone knows that all the women are white, all the men are Black and all the Queers are white men. But, some of us are more than brave!

The only thing that makes me feel better is that I know that there are other women of color out there of varying sexualities that are fighting to be heard, and won't have our voices marginalized. So here's to them, all the wonderful women that make fighting worth it!

Here's a wonderful quote from the amazing brownfemipower, it was from a post she had up about the Duke case. I love it so much that I frequently use it as an away message

"...I will stand beside any and all violated women of color, unquestioning and without apology, because I, too, am the lying stripper, the useless whore, the backstabbing "sister", the nasty 'ho, the unintelligent blogger, the uppity nigger, the DNA dripping slut.

We'll never shut up, and we'll never go away.

We've sung songs you'll never hear, we've created colors you've never dreamt of, and we know a love that you've killed for but you'll never own."

I HATE being scared

All of my friends know that I tend to be a little scared and slightly paranoid, well today my fears were reinforced. I was sitting at my desk as usual watching TV I had my blinds open and am just enjoying my Sunday. Then I notice some movement by my blinds I look a little closer, because it was right near the staircase towards my neighbors apartment, however, this was not my neighbor. It was another man he moved from in front of my window further back where you can see more clearly in my apartment. He saw me looking and moved away, I was terrified. I didn't know what to do. So I called my best friend and she told me to call the police, and they came and checked the area. They didn't find anything, but I'm still scared. I don't know what he wanted, was he a rapist, a murderer, a murder and a rapist, a peeping tom? I have no idea and it scares me. I have a hammer and a knife next to me, I've barricaded myself in my apartment and no one will get in this apartment without me hearing them. But, despite all these safeguards I'm still worried that he will come back and he will get in. I finally closed my blinds, but I was hesitant to do so because I'd like to at least be able to see if someone is near my home, but I'm not even sure about that.
All the statistics about home invasions are running through my head, the statistic that 1 out of 4 women will be raped in her lifetime, and I worry if I'm going to be that one. I'm scared and I HATE being scared. I don't know what to do, I've never been a fan of guns, but in this moment I understand why people have them. I just want to feel safe and I don't know how.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

There are a lot of things going on in my mind, that I would love to post about but I don't really feel like being that vulnerable online. So instead I wanted to post about "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". It should be clear to everyone that this is a failed policy and it has serious reprecussions on the lives of many individuals who choose to enlist in our armed forces. Now I would never join the military and am very much against any of my friends or family members joining. However, I do have respect for those who find the military a noble cause and are willing to risk their lives for this country. This issue has been at the forefront of alot of online discussions I've seen recently because of the L word storyline involving my future wife Rose Rollins. Rose as you know plays Capt. Tasha Williams on the L word, who is currently dealing with being investigated for homosexual conduct. Last week she did an amazing job in this scene where she confronts her lawyer who doesn't really believe that she should be in the military because she's a lesbian. Enjoy my wife at work.



Amazing, right?!

I also love watching the Vlog "She Got me Pregnant" I just like it, I am definitely not considering having children anytime soon, and sometimes question whether I want children at all. But its still a nice vlog, anyway this week they dealt with Don't Ask Don't tell and told a gut wrenching story about a family suffering under this policy. It's very moving and I definitely suggest you all watch it. When you're done go over to the Mombian website and read the full article.

Mombian Vlog 01-24-08
Uploaded by drudolph

After watching that I went and looked up the presidential candidates on "Don't Ask Don't Tell", and I wish I could say that I was surprised at the republican response. I have to say though I was pissed, because the republicans dodged the question and then dared to say the policy is working! Clearly they haven't done their research anyway here's the youtube clip ... enjoy?



And a response



So just some food for thought.

Can a girl catch a break!

Shelley Nicole's Blak Bushe

I would love to write a post

I would love to write a post about my friend's recent assault. I would love to write something so prolific and profound that it somehow made a difference, not only in her life but in the world. I wish that in writing about how I can hear the hurt in her voice, and how someone who always sounds happy and full of life sounds like she's had that beaten out of her. I wish above all that I could somehow take the pain away from my friend. I wish, I wish, I wish that this all never happened.

Diet Woes

Okay so now a real post, besides just random pictures of my facebook avatar, because damn that was kinda pathetic.

Well I'm on a diet, and I fucking hate it!! I hate having to say no to food that I really really want. I'm currently over 200 lbs, but I carry it well if I do say so myself, but not well enough for me to stop hating my body. I'm just tired of being a big girl, I'm tired of being "thick" I'm tired of not feeling sexy. I just want to be thin, but I know I'll never be thin my body just wasn't built to be thin. But I can be thinner than I am right now. So finally getting tired of being fat I decided to change my eating habits. I'm taking baby steps towards my goal. I already walk 2 miles three times a week to my job, so I figure combine that with better eating habits and eventually some motivation and I will lose weight. I've tried to set up exercise schedules for myself but it doesn't work because I'm not that motivated. Eventually I will exercise in my house, but I hate gyms and am against anyone seeing me in work out clothes. People who don't have serious weight problems don't know what its like to be a big person and go to the gym. I always feel like people are watching me, and judging me. Its intimidating to go into the gym where these skinny minis are jogging on the treadmills and I'm in pain after a short time. I've tried going to the gym when I was in undergrad with my friends, who with the exception of one are a lot thinner than I am and I felt embarrassed. So now I don't do gyms, maybe when I lose some weight and am feeling more comfortable I will but for now its not gonna happen. I'm dieting because I hate being the fat girl, I hate that I hate my body.


Dieting is hard, right now all I want is a cupcake or a cupcake like food. I get these weird cravings for sweet and starchy foods, and nothing really satisfies me but something like that, but part of my diet is seriously cutting back on the sweets. I just ate the last sweet thing in my apt, which was a toaster's strudel pastry. Now my house is sweet free. I bought sugar free Jello for when I want something sweet, and I have only wheat bread products in my house. Wheat English muffins, breads and pastas. I don't have any juice or soda only 5 calorie Crystal light, and water. I'm also drinking water now which my friends know is a big deal. I eat lots of veggies and have cut down on my beef and given up on pork entirely. I'm really trying to make a change, but times like now make that really really hard. So hopefully by the fall I'll be about 50 pounds lighter and a lot happier.

I feel like I'm in mourning

I feel like I'm in mourning, and I feel bad about it. I'm mourning the loss of my little cousin's childhood, she's fifteen and its all over now, its time for her to become an adult and I'm so sad about it. I'm feeling so many conflicting things I don't even know how to describe it. She's had it rough especially these last couple of years. She's had to deal with sexual abuse, her mother and all her craziness, and just instability in her life. But, through it all I've tried to remind her of how beautiful she is, and how she can accomplish anything. I was fighting for her so hard because I saw this coming. The signs were all there low self esteem, crazy home life, lack of parental attention, and all the wrong attention from boys. I saw from when she lost her virginity at 13 to a boy who lied about his age and didn't care about her at all. And now, as if her life hasn't been hard enough its about to get even harder because her life is no longer her own. I spoke to her briefly online today and she told me how in between her mother screaming and cussing her out her mother finally told her that she's HIV positive. She's been positive for the last 10 years of her life, and admits all this stress now she has more to deal with. I'm so mad at her though and I hate that I'm mad at her but I am, because while there have been so many people fighting for her she hasn't been fighting for herself. She's never allowed herself to dream about big things, and I'm mad about that. She's beautiful, intelligent, talented and just a great person but she doesn't see that in herself and it hurts. I just don't know how to proceed because since I've found out this has been the most I've been able to speak on this. I just don't know what to do.

So I’ve been thinking more and more about white liberals and white people in general. Growing up in the US as a Black woman who later discovered that she was a lesbian has definitely influenced my outlook on life. I’ve always gone to integrated schools, and I’ve been so use to being the only person of color or one of a few in a classroom that I hardly even notice it anymore. I still get annoyed and aggravated when I don’t see any people of color on a television show, but not aggravated enough to stop watching.

As I’m writing this I’m in class, a class about sexuality from a historical perspective and in this class I’m one of two people of color out of about 20, and it’s a shame to say that its to the point that I forget that I’m out numbered because it happens so often in my life. But in this class there is usually one of my good friends a nice white liberal, she got her masters in Black studies and studies post colonial Africa, she’s aware of her privilege supposedly, but I have to constantly still call her on some of the stupid and down right ignorant things she says. She takes pride in being so open minded, progressive, she talks about it all the time. She calls herself a Black feminist; she even created a facebook group for progressive white people. She talks about not caring about being the only white person or one of two in a class, but I don’t think she really gets it. I don’t think most white people really get it, even white liberals.

They talk about being allies but in the end they’re all more concerned with getting their “black card,” being considered down. It’s sickening. People of color are expected to get used to being out numbered in work, school and everywhere else outside of their community and when in this world we must conform to their standards for everything. While they claim to have relinquished their privilege, they really haven’t but rather they have transformed the ways in which they gain their privilege. Now they want to be applauded and celebrated for their willingness to enter the world of the colored people, and not lynching them as they enter. I’m just so tired of it all dealing with them, now while I’m saying they and them I don’t mean all white liberals and certainly not all white people. I’m just tired of putting up with all the bull shit.

There is a quote by Barbara Smith that says

“Quiet as it's kept, whether we are "rioting" or not, most African Americans live every day with greater or lesser amounts of rage toward white people and the system that gives them power and privilege to decimate our lives. I know I do”

and I think that’s what I’ve been dealing with more and more lately I have a lot of anger built up inside against white people and I do mean this in a general way. This isn’t to say that there aren’t white people that I love dearly, but deep down I’m pissed at them for the privilege that they have and use everyday. I’m working on this anger because I realize that this isn’t healthy. I’ve been reading Alice Walker’s the temple of my familiar and I have been captivated by the gospel according to Shug if you haven’t read them before here they are:

HELPED are those who are enemies of their own racism; they shall live in harmony with the citizens of this world, and not with those of their ancestors, which has passed away, and which they shall never see again.

HELPED are those born from love: conceived in their father's tenderness and their mother's orgasm, for they shall be those - numbers of whom will be called "illegitimate" whose spirits shall know no boundaries, even between heaven and earth, and whose eyes shall reveal the spark of the love that was their own creation. They shall know joy equal to their suffering and they will lead multitudes into dancing and Peace.

HELPED are those too busy living to respond when they are wrongfully attacked: on their walks they shall find mysteries so intriguing as to distract them from every blow.

HELPED are those who find something in Creation to admire each and every hour. Their days will overflow with beauty and the darkest dungeon will offer gifts.

HELPED are those who receive only to give; always in their house will be the circular energy of generosity; and in their hearts a beginning of new age on Earth: when no keys will be needed to unlock the heart and no locks will be needed on the doors.

HELPED are those who love the stranger; in this they reflect the heart of the Creator and that of the Mother.

HELPED are those who are content to be themselves; they will never lack mystery in their lives and the joys of self-discovery will be constant.

HELPED are those who love the entire cosmos rather than their own tiny country, city, or farm, for to them will be shown the unbroken web of life and the meaning of infinity.

HELPED are those who live in quietness, knowing neither brand name nor fad; they shall live every day as if in eternity, and each moment shall be full as it is long.

HELPED are those who love others unsplit off from their faults; to them will be given clarity of vision.

HELPED are those who create anything at all, for they shall relive the thrill of their own conception, and realize a partnership in the creation of the Universe that keeps them responsible and cheerful.

HELPED are those who love the Earth, their mother, and who willingly suffer that she may no die; in their grief over her pain they will weep rivers of blood, and in their joy in her lively response to love, they will converse with trees.

HELPED are those whose every act is a prayer for harmony in the Universe, for they are the restorers of balance to our planet. To them will be given the insight that every good act done anywhere in the cosmos welcomes the life of an animal or a child.

HELPED are those who risk themselves for others' sakes; to them will be given increasing opportunities for ever greater risks. Theirs will be a vision of the world in which no one's gift is despised or lost.

HELPED are those who strive to give up their anger; their reward will be that in any confrontation their first thoughts will never be of violence or war.

HELPED are those whose every act is a prayer for peace; on them depends the future of the world.

HELPED are those who forgive; their reward shall be forgetfulness of every evil done to them. It will be in their power, therefore, to envision the new Earth.

HELPED are those who are shown the existence of the Creator's magic in the Universe, they shall experience delight and astonishment without ceasing.

HELPED are those who laugh with a pure heart; theirs will be the company of the jolly righteous.

HELPED are those who love all the colors of all the human beings, as they love all the colors of animals and plants; none of their children, nor any of their ancestors, nor any parts of themselves, shall be hidden from them.

HELPED are those who love the lesbian, the gay, and the straight, as they love the sun, the moon, and the stars. None of their children, nor any of their ancestors, nor any parts of themselves, shall be hidden from them.

HELPED are those who love the broken and the whole; none of their children, nor any of their ancestors, nor any of themselves shall be despised.

HELPED are those who do not join mobs; theirs shall be the understanding that to attack in anger is to murder in confusion.

HELPED are those who find the courage to do at least one small thing each day to help the existence of another - plant, animal, river, or other human being. They shall be joined by a multitude of the timid.

HELPED are those who lose their fear of death; theirs is the power to envision the future in a blade of grass.

HELPED are those who love and actively support the diversity of life; they shall be secure in their differentness.

HELPED are those who know.

What I love is that she’s really talking about dealing with your anger, and even in the book one of the character’s is struggling because she keeps having dreams where she’s killing white people and then trying to put them back together. She’s struggling because she doesn’t want to do this but she keeps having these dreams. I think what Alice walker was talking about was this underlying anger. All I know is that I’m going to have to do something to deal with this anger and the white liberals that I’m coming in to contact with.

Happy Emancipation Day!!!!

Today was one of the most exhilarating days that I've ever had here in Trinidad. This whole entire trip was worth it all if only for the Emancipation day parade. Today I was able to take part in an Emancipation day celebration and it was beautiful. Here in Trinidad along with some festivities building up to today, Emancipation day is celebrated with a Kambule, a procession through out Port of Spain. It was absolutely beautiful! This is how I described it in an email to someone today and it fit so I'm not going to just paste it here.

It was amazing, the solidarity, and the love. For this one day we could forget all of what the Colonizers did to try and make us forget our history our people, our heritage, and we were all African again. It was beautiful as far as my eye could see there were tons of Beautiful Black people in African clothing. It was amazing, all you heard was African music and Calypso songs about Africa and the beauty in being Black. The walk was long but beautiful filled with the beautiful beat of the drum. After today I understand more than ever how the drum is the heart beat, because the bass was so loud that I felt the beat in my heart literally and it felt like it was completely in tune with the beating of my heart. It was beautiful! As we were walking I felt like I was apart of a larger community. I felt like I was surrounded by my people and that in the end we will win. I'm trying my best to describe it, but words can't do it justice. The whole day I kept trying to take pictures, record sound, do something to capture this wonderful movement and send it on. I didn't mean to type movement but I decided to leave it because it fits so well, it’s a movement to remember our collective past and celebrate our future.

This celebration was not only for those who were forced out of Africa by the slave trade, but also those that left voluntarily years later and those who still remain there. Because Emancipation day is about remembering our past and healing/restoring ourselves. We all suffered at the hands of colonialism and this is the celebration of our continued struggle against it. I'm trying my best to describe everything I saw and felt and heard, but it’s impossible. Sometime when we were transported from Africa to the various countries we stopped being African, we became American, Trinidadian, Brazilian, Dominican etc, but today we were all one. I saw people of all ages out celebrating; children with their parents and the elderly who could barely walk, but came out to celebrate this wonderful day. Emancipation Day is something everyone needs to experience at least once in their lives, because after it you will never be the same.

thoughts before bed

I'm so tired, so this is going to be a short post, but I've been having some amazing experiences in the past couple of days. I didn't get to adequately say how much I loved Tobago, it was beautiful and I'll never forget it. I feel like I've been focusing so much on the negatives that I've been experiencing here that I've haven't talked about the good times I'm having. The Old time wedding in Tobago was great. I love how the culture has been maintained here. Obviously things have changed but I feel like they're so much more connected here than we are in the US. Tonight was a perfect example, it was the opening ceremony for the emancipation celebration. Just seeing the people of all ages join in and celebrate our history and triumphs was beautiful.

Last night all the students from my program had dinner at our professor's house and we got to mingle with other faculty. I met this amazing woman from the Women's Studies program here and she blew my mind. I intend on writing a more full post about her later, but she just inspired me and reminded me that Women of Color are feminists too and have been for just as long as white women. Well I can barely hold my eyes open, but on some more good news I've been able to pick up a fleeting signal on my laptop and have been able to get some of the cites that have been censored! So I'm feeling good!!

These words won't do any justice

I've been working on this post all weekend, going over and over in my mind how I could convey in words what I'm feeling. I am in a beautiful country and having the best and worst time ever! I love it here because I have really gotten a chance to commune with nature. I've swam with the fish, swam in the middle of the ocean hung out in a waterfall and lounged on a clear beach. I've fallen in love with the people of this country and have enjoyed this short respite from the continued presence of white privilege over me. However, I have had about enough of feeling alien because I love women.

After a near perfect day of the ocean and other cultural activities we go out and what do we hear but a song about how evil homosexuality is. Its bad enough that the song is playing but the majority of the club join in on the chorus that calls for violence against gays. At this moment I stand there amongst friends and just watch as they dance completely oblivious to the hate coming out of the speakers. I never felt more alone before. Later when I bring it up they do their best to try and understand and sympathize but they can't, because they just don't get it. Flash forward to today as I sit in class and hear our Professor talk about how many Calypso singers find homosexuality funny, and then he goes on and discusses how the idea of a Gay minister of govt is foreign to them, but not as foreign as other countries. He was only half trying to not seem completely biased and disgusted, but it was there. Then after class I have to defend all LGBT people to one of my classmates as he tries to argue that its understandable why people are homophobic and ignore LGBT people. At this point I had to fight back the urge to scream, cry and just run away from this all. This is all too much to handle at sometimes.

I want to hold on to my people and this country so tight, but I can only do this if I deny who I am. I find myself now in a bind, do I continue to blend? Or do I make a stand? Do I even have the agency and authority to make such a bold stand? Where is my safe place? Where is my place where I can go to get rejuvenated? How do I explain something that I can't even put in words to people who claim to be my friends here? Is it even worth it? These are all the questions that are constantly running through my head. I'm just at a point where I don't know where to go from here.

One of the few LGBT sites that isn't blocked is Jasmyne Cannick's blog, and while I don't agree with everything she says all the time, I do get a lot of useful information from here. She just posted this article from a local newspaper and a gay man was talking about how he doesn't have his rights, and all the ways that Trinidad and Tobago should improve in terms of its relations with LGBT people. This article let me know that by being a lesbian and not from here it is illegal for me to be here. Elton John had to get a special license to come and perform. I am absolutely astonished. I want to cling to the people here so bad because I feel like we are so similar, but I can't because I refuse to deny who I am.

My life is Censored

I just read a very moving post over at Brownfemipower's site, taken in part from Sokari. My intention was to go over there and continue reading over at Black Looks, but when I clicked the link I found myself redirected to the University's website when I looked at the web address I saw something that made me so mad. It said "Adult lifestyle filtering". I'm sitting here absolutely puzzled as to why? I know why but that still doesn't answer the larger question of why is it that just living and breathing and being who God made us to be is seen as lewd and indecent. While here in Trinidad I tried to go to a few of my regular blogs that I read Vegankid, Sly Civilian and those two were also filtered. Its just something else that reminds me of where I'm at. So far I've loved my time here today I ate "Bake & Shark" which was delicious! I've also been just shocked looking around and seeing people of color every where, running things. The only white people I've seen have been tourists. Its been a weird and slightly delightful feeling being surrounded by all People of Color. But, then something like this happens and it reminds me that as a community we still need to deal with homophobia that is ever present in our community. I don't get why when people say Gay or Lesbian or Homosexual they whisper, especially in front of kids. I have a friend who was in a relationship with a woman for 6 months and whenever she talks about that relationship she whispers, despite the fact that she said that she is not opposed to being in another relationship with a woman.

This and in light of the post about the Black Lesbian who was tortured in South Africa just reinforces the fact that something needs to change. My online friend that I'm constantly talking to and I always talk about starting our own country or land where women of Color are safe. It would be secluded and all Women of Color and some allies, we're joking but sometimes I wish that it was a real place. I'm tired of being censored, not talking about my life in certain situations to certain people and even having to be secretive here in Trinidad, where as I type this I worry about if anyone is looking over at my computer and knows that I'm a lesbian, and what will happen if they find out. I worry about some of my travel mates who don't know that I'm a lesbian and how they will react especially the women. I'm constantly making sure that I don't make any other woman feel uncomfortable by being too close, or complimenting her in a way that she may feel like I'm hitting on her. I'm tired of censoring my life. I'm ready to get away to that safe land.

update: Vegankid I was able to see you site briefly before it blocked me again...maybe a tiny glimmer of hope, or their filter system sucks

for your blogging pleasure

Oh my Blogosphere!
There are lots of very good posts up and I thought I'd share them with you all.

Keith Boykin gets an exclusive interview with Isaiah Washington about his recent firing. I think Isaiah's statements add an interesting dynamic to the whole controversy. However, it seems like he's not accepting the full responsibility for his actions.

Keith Boykin also calls out oh Dubya on his "culture of death".

A gay NJ high school couple has their picture blacked out because of it's "illicit" content.

Pomegranate Queen brilliantly talks about the Intersections of Violence. She's Freaking Brilliant!

Kameela Writes uses photography to show how Black hair is political. Thanks BFP for the link!

After 43 years finally there's some justice!

AfterEllen reminds us why some commercials/ads make you homicidal.... or maybe thats just me.

DL Hughley is an ass hole! Thanks BFP for the info and links

Oh and there's a new Blog on the block! Someone else I know in real life... my secret identity is becoming harder to maintain.

Here's a pic of the lovely Rose Rollins. Why? because she's beautiful. duh!