This path

So last night despite feeling great most of the day, I started to feel a little down, so I pulled out some books, I needed something to make me feel better, so I grabbed a couple of Audre Lorde books, but I was having a hard time concentrating. As I was scrambling to find something to hang on to, to make it through this dark spot. I started thinking that I needed healing words. I wrote it down in my journal. I wrote I need healing words, from strong women who have been through it all so I can know that I can make it. After writing I started to feel a little bit better, and then as I was skimming through the Audre's Cancer Journals and I come to this article that was written exactly 5 years before I was born. On March 30, 1979 she wrote about her mastectomy and her fear that she'd never regain the pleasure that she got from that right breast that was removed. She wrote :

"... That sense has completely passed away, as I have come to realize that that well of feeling was within me. I alone own my feelings. I can never lose that feeling because I own it, because it comes out of myself. I can attach it anywhere I want to, because my feelings are apart of me, my sorrow and my joy.
I would never have chosen this path, but I am very glad to be who I am, here."
~Audre Lorde

I love that whole passage but especially that last part where she says I would never have chosen this path, but I am very glad to be who I am, here. How amazingly strong and self assured. Even through a horrible trying time, she was able to see through it all and cling on to her own sense of self. Beneath all of her pain, there was a deep love and acceptance of herself and every aspect of her. That's amazing, I know it's something I don't have yet, but hopefully I will be there one day. I'm beginning to realize that there is no sense in bemoaning where I'm at in my life or the many paths my life has taken me down, because beneath it all. I've always been me, and I need to learn to connect to myself more and not be side tracked by everything else, even my own feelings because they don't control me, I control my feelings.

Sigh I just love her, and I'm grateful for the revelations that came to me last night, hopefully someone out there will be similarly blessed.

76 years ago today Audre Lorde was born.


I have a lot of deep feelings about her and I definitely feel like we're connected on some level even though she passed when I was only 8 years old. But, I just want to take some time and just honor her, for living her life bravely.

Happy Birthday Audre!

Stations

I love me some Audre Lorde, in case you didn't already know that.

Stations
by Audre Lorde

Some women love to wait for life
for a ring in the June light
for a touch of the sun to heal them
for another woman's voice
to make them whole
to untie their hands
put words in their mouths
form to the passages
sound to their screams
for some other sleeper to remember
their future
their past.

Some women wait for their right train
in the wrong station
in the alleys of morning
for the noon to holler
the night come down.

Some women wait for love
to rise up
the child of their promise
to gather from earth
what they do not plant
to claim pain for labor
to become
the tip of an arrow
to aim at the heart of now
but it never stays.

Some women wait for visions
that do not return
where they were not welcomed
naked
for invitations to places
they always wanted to visit
to be repeated.

Some women wait for themselves
around the next corner
and call the empty spot peace
but the opposite of living
is only not living
and the stars do not care.

Some women wait for something to change
and nothing does change
so they change

Dream

So a couple of nights ago I had this dream, I've forgotten a lot of it but what I do remember is a few details and general feelings and impressions from the dream. I don't really remember the set up but it was me and some other women together in this room. I have the feeling that they were older than me. We were coming together to do something for women, specifically women of color. I remember that we were lost at some point and weren't sure how to proceed. But, then we read something by Audre Lorde that stressed the importance of writing and the way that writing helped to heal the soul. In my dream I remember that we were specifically reading something of hers, and there was definitely the understanding that she was no longer with us. However, I also have the impression that she was there, that she was physically there reciting her words. I definitely had the feeling of peace, love and acceptance from her. What the dream left me with was that it was writing was imperative to the struggle of women of color. So now I feel like writing, and something else besides this blog and my academic work, but I don't know where to go from here.

Thank you Audre

Between Ourselves

Between Ourselves
By Audre Lorde

Once When I walked into a room
my eyes would seek out the one or two black faces
for contact or reassurance or a sign
I was not alone
now walking into rooms full of Black faces
that would destroy me for any difference
where shall my eyes look?
once it was easy to know
who were my people.

If we were stripped to our strength
of all pretense
and our flesh was cut away
the sun would bleach all our bones as white
as the face of my black mother
was bleached white by gold
or Orishala
and how
does that measure me?

I do not believe
our wants have made all our lies
holy.

Under the sun on the shores of Elmina
a black man sold the woman who carried
my grandmother in her belly
he was paid with bright yellow coin
that shone in the evening sun
and in the faces of her sons and daughters.
When I see that brother behind my eyes
his irises are bloodless and without color
his tongue clicks like yellow coins
tossed up on his shore
where we share the same corner
of an alien and corrupted heaven
and whenever I try to eat
the words
of easy blackness as salvation
I taste the color
of my grandmother's first betrayal

I do not believe
our wants
have made all our lies holy.

But I do not whistle his name at the shrine of Shopona
I do not bring down the rosy juices of death upon him
nor forget Orishala
is called the god of whiteness
who works in the dark wombs of night
forming the shapes we all wear
so that even the cripples and dwarfs and albinos
are sacred worshipers
when the boiled corn is offered.

Humility lies
in the face of history
I have forgiven myself
for him
for the white meat
we all consumed in secret
before we were born
we shared the same meal
when you imaple me
upon your lances of narrow blackness
before you hear my heart speak
mourn your own borrowed blood
your own borrowed visions
Do not mistake my flesh for the enemy
do not write my name in the dust
before the shrine of the god of smallpox
for we are all children of Eshu
god of chance and the unpredictable
and we each wear many changes
inside our skin.

Armed with scars
healed
in many different colors
I look in my own faces
as Eshu's daughter crying
if we do not stop killing
the other in ourselves
the self that we hate
in others
soon we shall all lie
in the same direction
and eshidale's priests will be very busy
they who alone can bury
all those who seek their own death
by jumping up from the ground
and landing upon their heads.

For Audre!

14 years ago today, the world lost one of the most amazing people to every live. Audre Lorde died November 17, 1992. Recently I heard one of my professors speak of honoring our ancestors and those that came before us, even though I didn't know her and we weren't related, but today I want to honor her.

14 years ago I was only 8 years old, and had no idea who she was or how much she would influence my life later on. It always saddens me to think that she lived and died, and I never knew about her. I wish that I could go back in time, and just ask her so many questions about life, love just everything. I'm at a point in my life where little makes sense most of the time, I feel like I live in a constant state of confusion. But when I read her words I feel like she had an in, like someone told her the world's greatest secrets. She just has such a solid realistic understanding of this world. She theorized about the erotic in a way that I think is just above most people's thinking. Audre Lorde was just simply amazing.

Now all I have are her words that she left behind and I'm grateful for each one, so here's to you Audre the world still mourns your death.



Some of my favorite quotes

“Our visions begin with our desires.”

“If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.”

“It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.”


“When I dare to be powerful - to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid”

“When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak.”

“I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.”

“Our feelings are our most genuine paths to knowledge”

“The master's tools will never dismantle the master's house”

“The sharing of joy, whether physical, emotional, psychic, or intellectual, forms a bridge between the sharers which can be the basis for understanding much of what is not shared between them, and lessens the threat of their difference.”


“I realize that if I wait until I am no longer afraid to act, write, speak, be, I'll be sending messages on a Ouija board, cryptic complaints from the other side”

“I am deliberate and afraid of nothing.”

“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.”

“As we come to know, accept, and explore our feelings, they will become sanctuaries and fortresses and spawning grounds for the most radical and daring of ideas-the house of difference so necessary to change and the conceptualization of any meaningful action.”

"...But I who am bound by my mirror
as well as my bed
see causes in color
as well as sex
and sit here wondering
which me will survive
all these liberations. "
~Audre Lorde (Who said it was so simple)

"Every woman has a well-stocked arsenal of anger potentially useful against those oppressions, personal and institutional, which brought that anger into being. Focused with precision it can become a powerful source of energy serving progress and change." – Audre Lorde


She was beautiful inside and out!

Rest In Peace
Audre Lorde
February 18, 1934 - November 17, 1992