Tuesday, November 28, 2006

...and the journey continues.....



This is me when I was younger. With the holidays upon us now it makes me very reflective of my life. Of who I really am, I was foolish enough to think that coming out would be enough, like that would answer all my unanswered questions, but I'm starting to remember why I named my blog journey to enlightenment. I'm still on this journey to finding out who I truly am. As I was home I spoke with my brother about me being a lesbian, well he really just said a few words, but within those words reminded me how much my family doesn't really know me. My brother told me how I was an "Arrogant Christian" and that just really bugged me. My brother's perception of me has been limited to the teenage me.

So where am I on my journey? I don't really know. I've realized that my faith has suffered since I've come out. While rejecting some aspects of my faith that I've realized where wrong, I feel like I'm losing hold of the aspects that were good. I realized this while talking to this girl in my class, I know that she's a Christian and I remember who I was just a few months ago. I was such the good Christian girl, I did everything that I was supposed to do, I prayed a lot, I never cursed, I didn't drink or get drunk, I didn't question I was a good Christian girl, I was Gramz. So much of my identity that was forced on me had to deal with my faith. So, now as I'm trying to figure out the real me I feel the Christian me fading, and I don't want it to. I'm holding on to my faith with every fiber of my being.
So much of my identity up until now has been very reactionary, so how do I welcome the complete me, the real me? How do I embrace ME? I want to go back to the little girl above, the girl I was before I was used, abused and disillusioned. The girl who I was before I was filled with so many lies that I couldn't see the truth. The girl who just was.



7 comments:

Sly Civilian said...

one of my friends puts it like this...when you come out, and realize that this is who you're supposed to be, it's troubling. because if the church could lie to you about that, what else is wrong?

i know very few folks for whom coming out didn't change their faith, and hurt is definitely a part of that change. but there is something out there beyond the hurt.

grace and peace...

Darkmind said...

Interesting that the photo of you as a child has you with closed eyes. Fitting...in a way you are still trying to open them...

Darkmind said...

Oh yeah, I recently wrote an essay on urban agriculture that I would like to get your feedback on, since it was inspired by one of your previous posts. Here's a shortcut if you like...
http://retiredvillain.blogspot.com/2006/11/urban-agriculture.html

Emily said...

I don't think it's a bad thing to question and examine your faith. It will either strengthen your spiritual view or lead you on a better path. If people are going to judge you by your sexuality, they don't deserve to know the real, wonderful person you are.

nehanda said...

i believe that peace and grace lies on the other side of hurt. your faith in love which i believe is the tenant of christianity is not shaken. you still who you are, created in the image of the divine. everything else is an illusion. i am learning not to hold too tightly to the ways i see myself and the world, rather to look at these descriptions as lenses to better see myself and the world. & to thereafter, relinquish the need to be so caught up in shyt..opps..did i say that? ha
peace & blessings

Jason Hughes said...

I remember those turbulent days of myself so clearly as well. Some I know have come through this portion of the journey with their faith made stronger, others weaker, and still others (such as myself) abandoning it altogether for something else new. You hit the nail on the head for me, at least, when you mentioned how so much of who you perceived yourself to be came from your faith, or religion, perhaps, may be a better term for it. It's a hard reconciliation when you find yourself being at odds, seemingly completely opposite odds, with something previously held onto so strongly.

My siblings, though, had an easier time with the reconciliation of me than I did of me, at least, from what they've told me. I only hope your brother will take the time to get to know the mature, growing-into-herself you, and not the freeze-framed image of you that currently occupies his mind. Getting to know, and to try to apprciate the myriad of personalities my parents produced has also been a wonderful part of my journey, and I hope you, too, can add it to the list of wonderful things through which your path has taken you.

Catch ya later!

O said...

Have you gone to the MCC? Lots of people like you there. Get your faith and your gay on. =)

“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.” ~Audre Lorde