Tuesday, November 28, 2006

...and the journey continues.....

This is me when I was younger. With the holidays upon us now it makes me very reflective of my life. Of who I really am, I was foolish enough to think that coming out would be enough, like that would answer all my unanswered questions, but I'm starting to remember why I named my blog journey to enlightenment. I'm still on this journey to finding out who I truly am. As I was home I spoke with my brother about me being a lesbian, well he really just said a few words, but within those words reminded me how much my family doesn't really know me. My brother told me how I was an "Arrogant Christian" and that just really bugged me. My brother's perception of me has been limited to the teenage me.

So where am I on my journey? I don't really know. I've realized that my faith has suffered since I've come out. While rejecting some aspects of my faith that I've realized where wrong, I feel like I'm losing hold of the aspects that were good. I realized this while talking to this girl in my class, I know that she's a Christian and I remember who I was just a few months ago. I was such the good Christian girl, I did everything that I was supposed to do, I prayed a lot, I never cursed, I didn't drink or get drunk, I didn't question I was a good Christian girl, I was Gramz. So much of my identity that was forced on me had to deal with my faith. So, now as I'm trying to figure out the real me I feel the Christian me fading, and I don't want it to. I'm holding on to my faith with every fiber of my being.
So much of my identity up until now has been very reactionary, so how do I welcome the complete me, the real me? How do I embrace ME? I want to go back to the little girl above, the girl I was before I was used, abused and disillusioned. The girl who I was before I was filled with so many lies that I couldn't see the truth. The girl who just was.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Kramer you can keep your fake apology!

I'm sure by now you've heard about how Kramer went on a nice little racist rant after some black audience members heckled him.

I'm so sick and tired of these racist/sexist/homophobic/classist public figures that get caught saying something so horrible, and then issue a public apology. They weren't sorry for saying it, they're sorry for getting caught.

Kramer just went to far, "Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass." "Throw him out he's a nigger?"
How do you say that? And then think an apology will suffice. What is he thinking? I'm just so tired of it.
Then he goes on letterman to apologize and he looks so sincere

I'm going to translate his apology,
"I'm all busted up by the bad press I'm getting, because of my statements, I completely believe everything I said but I just didn't know that it would be broadcasted. I really hope you all will forget what I said, and I'll be a lot more careful next time, and make sure no one has a camera."

What's worst about these apologies is that they never admit to what they said. They say my statements. I want them to say:

When I mentioned X Y and Z that was wrong, because of (insert valid reason here). I am now actively working to reverse my hate and I encourage you all to do the same, because I realize that my statements are a part of a larger societal problem, so while I can never truly make amends for such hateful statements, I will commit to making a difference in my life and others, and I renounce my privilege which made me think that a simple apology will suffice.

Now is this too much to ask for?

update: I just watched the full apology on letterman and he did mention trying to figure out where this rage came from, so I give him half a point. What disturbed me the most, is that he seemed so weird. I didn't get sincere, he spoke of Black people being mad about Katrina, and I was thinking okay.... and what else. what made me mad is that they were looking to give him excuses, well you know you push the envelope. Then he talks about how he's not a racist.... really? because all non racists say things like that, you don't just say things like that all of a sudden. Just admit that you're a racist and are trying to work on that, just be real! AHHHHHH I can't stand this crap!

Friday, November 17, 2006

For Audre!

14 years ago today, the world lost one of the most amazing people to every live. Audre Lorde died November 17, 1992. Recently I heard one of my professors speak of honoring our ancestors and those that came before us, even though I didn't know her and we weren't related, but today I want to honor her.

14 years ago I was only 8 years old, and had no idea who she was or how much she would influence my life later on. It always saddens me to think that she lived and died, and I never knew about her. I wish that I could go back in time, and just ask her so many questions about life, love just everything. I'm at a point in my life where little makes sense most of the time, I feel like I live in a constant state of confusion. But when I read her words I feel like she had an in, like someone told her the world's greatest secrets. She just has such a solid realistic understanding of this world. She theorized about the erotic in a way that I think is just above most people's thinking. Audre Lorde was just simply amazing.

Now all I have are her words that she left behind and I'm grateful for each one, so here's to you Audre the world still mourns your death.

Some of my favorite quotes

“Our visions begin with our desires.”

“If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.”

“It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.”

“When I dare to be powerful - to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid”

“When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak.”

“I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.

“Our feelings are our most genuine paths to knowledge”

“The master's tools will never dismantle the master's house”

“The sharing of joy, whether physical, emotional, psychic, or intellectual, forms a bridge between the sharers which can be the basis for understanding much of what is not shared between them, and lessens the threat of their difference.”

“I realize that if I wait until I am no longer afraid to act, write, speak, be, I'll be sending messages on a Ouija board, cryptic complaints from the other side”

“I am deliberate and afraid of nothing.”

“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.”

“As we come to know, accept, and explore our feelings, they will become sanctuaries and fortresses and spawning grounds for the most radical and daring of ideas-the house of difference so necessary to change and the conceptualization of any meaningful action.”

"...But I who am bound by my mirror
as well as my bed
see causes in color
as well as sex
and sit here wondering
which me will survive
all these liberations. "
~Audre Lorde (Who said it was so simple)

"Every woman has a well-stocked arsenal of anger potentially useful against those oppressions, personal and institutional, which brought that anger into being. Focused with precision it can become a powerful source of energy serving progress and change." – Audre Lorde

She was beautiful inside and out!

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Rest In Peace
Audre Lorde
February 18, 1934 - November 17, 1992

Thursday, November 16, 2006

I'm getting married

I'm getting married in South Africa! Who's coming?
All I need is a woman to get married to. I'm taking applications for a political woman with a great sense of humor lol.

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This is where I'm going to get married, You all are invited, and whoever introduces me to my special lady, can be in the wedding party :D

No, seriously I am excited for South Africa, their post apartheid constitution is really progressive, and everyone should take a que from them.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Sometimes you just need to rant

Where do I begin?
This world is seriously screwed up!

Apparently I didn't get the message that making fun of Black people in every way possible was actually funny. Nubian highlights this with her post about Texas A&M, but wait that's not it. While browsing around on facebook I see a kid at my undergrad in black face. No wait I'm still not done yet apparently playing up on every stereotype about Black people and making fun of lynchings is a GREAT theme party! Thanks to St. Johns for letting me know, because honestly I didn't realize that.

If that is not enough to make you mad, just wait! Thanks to facebook once again, and a group called 1,000,000 Black students, which is a good group, but has some idiots on the discussion board. I thought the question of why Black people were so anti education was bad enough, but no just wait. My favorite came today with the post titled Wah gwan chi chi gal pt 1, which basically means what's going on with the lesbians. The first post is:

why is all the black woman turning gay,
are they receiving more male energy,
is it becuz of depression, or lowself esteem?
or is it because guys always shit on them so they think its no one else but thier own sex who they think will understand them better

Again that's not even the worst one, you can't forget:
Being gay is a phobia of procreation of some sort. I am certain. FOR NEARLY ALL PEOPLE, their entire purpose in life is to extend their bloodline. Being a fag rejects this from your basic natural principles. Eat/Sleep/Survive/Reproduce.

There are more but I don't even want to go there, I posted a response, but I'm not going to continue to debate and go back and forth.

Oh and Charles Murray, Author of The bell curve is coming to speak at my school tomorrow/today (it's after midnight).


Saturday, November 11, 2006

I did it!

I did it!
I came out to my mom, and it went great. My mom is so funny she asked me if I realized that I would have to kiss a girl and have sex with her, I'm like yeah. She didn't cry, freak out nothing, she was cool. Told me she had a bad experience with a lesbian in the 70's, she said she was mean to her. I told her at the next meeting I'd bring it up; we'd figure out who it was and promptly revoke her lesbian card. It was great, but tell my why am I freaking out now. Even though it went great, I wish I hadn't told her, because I don't want her to start think of me any differently. I just want things to be the same. We don't talk about my personal life and I want to keep it that way, but I just got motivated to tell her. I was talking with a friend, who recently came out, and we were talking and sharing and I was like I should do it and I did. I just called my mom up, but now I'm soo afraid of when it's going to go bad. I'm terrified, I'm freaking out! My friends are telling me to calm down, but I'm scared that she's going to wake up tomorrow and be like that's not acceptable. I don't know why I can't just allow it to be good. I'm just so afraid that it's going to go bad, I'm terrified that she's no longer gonna see me, but only see my sexuality. Our relationship was finally getting to a place that I was comfortable with, and now I'm afraid it's going to get weird.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Election Time

I remember election day in 1992, sitting on my mother's bed, learning how to crochet and watching Clinton win. I was 8 years old and soo happy, I didn't know much about politics, but I knew that we were going for Clinton, and we were happy that he won. I remember earlier on election day going with my mother in to the voting both and actually getting to vote for president. That's what made that year so special I felt like I was apart of the process.
Every year, my mom would take me and my sisters with her when it was time to vote, it was never a question of whether or not I would vote. That's what we did we voted, whether we believed in that our government cared about us, that's another question but we knew we had a voice in our vote and we used it.
As I get older and enter more liberal circles, I've seen more and more people be anti voting, they say my vote doesn't count, it's not gonna change anything. Which I understand but something deep within me will not allow me not to vote. I just keep going back to getting an I voted today sticker with my mom, and being proud. While our system is flawed, I just don't see the point in not voting.

While I'm dissapointed about the Affirmative action vote in Michigan, and I realize civil rights are still under attack in this country. Having Democrats have control of the house, and our first female speaker of the house, makes me happy.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Welcome Doogie

I was silent

I like this video, encouraging you to speak out, and the consequences of staying silent. So often we're silent just because it doesn' t pertain to us, just like in the video. However, I was silent and did affect me.

I'm mad at myself today because I was silent. Tonight I went to a party, and one of the host's drunk relatives shows up. I know the host through my department so of course we can't get together without discussing some political issue, so we began to talk about Ted Haggard, and his scandal. I knew it was going to be trouble from the moment that guy arrived, we were joking about the Haggard saying he was getting a "massage" and buying meth. Then it begins, the relative starts talking about how Haggard's a hypocrite (I agree), a liar (again he's talking right), a meth addict (still nothing wrong), and then he says it a faggot. I just sat there stunned, I looked to the host for some sort of correction, and he goes to try and talk about how it doesn't matter if he's gay or not. I was feeling so many things at once, I felt so uncomfortable, and I didn't know what to do. So I said nothing. I'm so mad at myself, I didn't confront him because he was so drunk, it really would have been ridiculous, and also what if he started to call me names? What would I have done? So taking all of this in to consideration, I sat quietly and texted my best friend.
I had to leave the party early because I came with a friend who had someone waiting for her, and I was so thankful. I just feel like I was using my appearance of straight (I don't mean to play up on stereotypes, but no one looks at me and thinks lesbian) to not enter in to a confrontational situation, and I feel bad about this. I feel like a hypocrite. I don't know, I'm just not feeling to hot

“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.” ~Audre Lorde