Tuesday, December 26, 2006

It's not up to you!

Its not up to you! That's all I want to say to my friend. When I came out to her it didn't go so well, she's my one bad coming out experience. We talked and she felt that I was living outside of God's plan for my life, and she just didn't agree with my life, she wanted me to fight a little more (because 22 years of denial wasn't enough). My sexuality has always been mine, something private sacred that I just kept for me. For years I thought it over, I examined I questioned I belittled I ignored, but through it all it was always mine. Believing that I was straight allowed me the privacy of my sexuality no one questioned how I knew that I was straight or whether I was sure, no one subjected me to the inquisition that has been a part of my coming out process, no one debated whether or not I was going to hell, they just left me alone.
Now that I'm open about the whole me and not hiding I've lost my sexuality. My sexuality has been subjected to the scrutiny of any and everyone, people can sit around and discuss whether or not I'm going to hell because of who I love. Where is my privacy? Where is my chance to just be? What hurts me the most is that the ones that I need support from don't. My mother thinks that I'm going to grow out of this "phase" and one of my best friends is just not going to discuss that part of my life with me. Being a lesbian does not define me, but its a part of me and without knowing that you don't know me. Coming out has been rough for me, I've had to put my sexuality out there, I've lost the privacy that we shared. I question myself daily, I fear about people's reactions, I question whether I'll be allowed to speak to my younger relatives once I come out to my whole family. I have to keep my sexuality hidden from my grandmother because she's old and she won't understand. Coming out while it hasn't been easy I feel whole, complete, things make sense, I feel good. My friend ignoring my sexuality, and my mom thinking that I'll grow out of it and that its still a sin bothers me. Despite feeling great about everything, I needed the support of my loved ones.
So what I keep thinking is its not up to you! I foolishly told my friend when I came out that we'd have to agree to disagree, but that's not the type of friendship I need. I don't need to agree to disagree with one of my best friends when it comes to my sexuality. I don't need to have it ignored in our conversations. It just pisses me off to have people decide whether or not its okay with them that I am attracted to women. I don't know what I'm going to do with my friend, I enjoy our friendship, but I don't know if I can keep being friends with someone who is deliberately choosing to ignore a part of me.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

I want a different story

I am a movie addict, I really need help. I love the inspirational movies, I love lil kid movies, I love psychological thrillers. Movies I love to watch range from Robots to the Sixth Sense, but what I'm really getting aggregated with is all the movies where the loving white person comes in to the ghetto and inspires the children that the community has ignored. Now hear me out before you get mad at me. I do indeed love these movies, but I'm tired of only hearing one side of the story. There are wonderful white people that do work in inner cities, but there are also wonderful people of color but where are there stories? We need more movies like Stand and Deliver. I loved how the teacher was able to do something that you don't see in the movies with the white teachers. He was able to give them a sense of pride in their heritage. I remember the part where he was telling them that it was the Mayans that created the zero, that sense of heritage and pride in the encouragement is what is so important.
When I was growing up I was in a program that really gave me a strong sense of pride in my heritage and that has greatly influenced my life and the directors of this program were all POC, and what was also so important is that they were from inner city neighborhoods also, they understood what it was like growing up there. They recognized that you can live under extreme circumstances and still be happy. I remember a review of Save the Last Dance, by Ebert& Roper, and they said that the people were too happy for what was going on in their lives. They just didn’t get it. I've had many wonderful white teachers who have strongly influenced my life, but what I appreciated about my Black teachers is that they didn't constantly treat me like I was this poor soul from a rough neighborhood. Even though these teachers did care about me and other students and what was going on in our neighborhood, but their attitude always bothered me. I hated telling someone about my life and they feel sorry for me. I hate that I'm sure my life has been used to describe how rough "the ghetto" is. This is the recurring theme in these movies, these teachers go home and talk about how horrible this neighborhood is, and they are shown as the sole heroes of these poor children's lives.
I want to see how wonderful the people in the neighborhood are those who aren't the drug dealers, crack addicted mothers, and imprisoned fathers. Even those who are drug dealers, crack addicted mothers and imprisoned fathers, they are still people and still good people. This is from the daughter of a crack addicted mother. The ghetto isn't this horrible place, yes I do have to be careful about where I walk and when I walk, and yes I am tired of the violence, but that is not all there is in my community. I would not be who I am without my white and Black teachers and adults who have helped me, but I just don't want to see the same old white person to the rescue movies.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Rosie Rosie Rosie

Now I love Rosie O' Donnell, I love watching her on the view, really she's great! BUT, her recent "impression" of Chinese broadcasters where she said ching chong, because clearly that's what all Chinese people sound like. Now if Rosie had just apologized I would have been fine. But her apology was so half assed it made me mad. While she apologized for offending people, she minimized her statement and the hurt felt by Asian Americans. Apparently someone told her that saying Ching Chong is equivalent to calling someone a Nigger, she was like "come on", while I don't necessarily agree, I'm not Asian American and I can't say that that isn't true. You can't diminish someone's pain. She said that she does a lot of accents, but what she doesn't get is that, that was not an accent! My freshman year in college, my roommate was Chinese and she spoke fluent mandarin, and never ever did she sound like "ching chong", when she spoke.
I love Rosie but I feel like her pride got in the way of her giving a truly genuine apology. I'll grant her that her apology was better than Michael Richards' (but that isn't really a hard to beat). Rosie just doesn't want to be aligned with Michael Richards, which rightfully she shouldn't, but she needs to recognize the inherent racism in her comments.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Finals are DONE!!!


I made it through my first semester in Grad School and I claimed victory in my theories class!! Now I'm just waiting for my last grade to come in. I ordered some movies from Netflix, I'm going to clean my apartment and enjoy my break!
So Now This is me

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

it's 5:30 am, I'm writing a paper STILL! I've been secluded in my apartment all weekend doing work so........

Friday, December 08, 2006


I am SOOO excited for this movie Words can't even EXLPAIN!!

Posted By:black.womyn.:conversations... the doc coming soon!

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

Go to the Director's MySpace page and check out more videos

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

I should be writing my paper

I should be writing one of my many papers due this week, but my heart hurts. I was checking on what's going on in the world via CNN.com and I was reading the story about the groom that was shot by police the day before his wedding, and I'm so disturbed. I'm so mad that this young guy not much older than me is dead. Shot by the police. This isn't the first time I'm hearing about this, but today I was looking at the pictures and seeing his fiancée at the funeral, the same church where they were supposed to be married and it breaks my heart. Pictures touch me more than anything and just seeing the casket. This is a shame! All police are not bad I know this because my Uncle who was more of a father to me than my own father is a cop, and he's a good one. But when is enough going to be enough. This man that died was more than just a number, he was a father, a soon to be spouse, he was loved by people. With the article was a picture of Amadou Diallo's mother who attended the funeral, because she lost her son also. When is it going to stop? The article plays up that only two of the cops involved in the shooting were white, like that's supposed to negate the racism within the shooting. Black people are subject to the same images and stereotypes that white people are. Just because someone is Black does not mean that they have not bought in to the same lies. Just because three of the cops were men of color does not mean that they did not racially profile the groom. I'm just mad, because Sean Bell the groom should not be dead now, and his friends should not have been shot.

Check out the article here

Monday, December 04, 2006

Friday, December 01, 2006

World AIDS day

Today I wanted to write a post in memory of all of those who have died because of AIDS. I wanted to write a post that would adequately convey my feelings about watching my 34 year old aunt who his living with this disease. I wanted to write some words that would let people know that this disease is real. I wanted to write something to encourage, inspire and motivate people to do something, anything to help fight this disease. I wanted to write something that would say how horrible I felt at forgetting, forgetting to fight, to think about this disease, forgetting to commemorate this disease. But all I can say is FIGHT!

“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.” ~Audre Lorde