Stay tuned

I have a lot I want to say, and post here. But despite how semi anonymous this space is. It still requires a level of vulnerability. I'm not ready for,but this need to share some of my writing is very strong. So don't think that I've abandoned this blog, I'm just still trying to find that balance. So stay tuned...

Book review

I didn't forget about you all or this lovely blog. Things have been crazy in my life and I'm trying to get them all figured out. I have a lot I want to blog about, especially my DC trip, but this past weekend I read to books with Black lesbian main characters and I figured what the hell I might as well review them for you all so here we go. Since you're supposed to give stars and shit when you review something I'm going to give stars(or asterisks since I don't know how to get stars on my Blog) and its out of a possible five.

The first book I read was Manjani by Freedom Speaks Diaspora. ***1/2

Coming from a Black Studies background, I really wanted to read it because it was about a Black Lesbian fighting for the revolution. So I dove in head first anxious to read about a politically aware Black Lesbian, and I have to say overall I really liked it. The story is about the coming of age of a young Black Lesbian named Manjani, now I mention that she's a lesbian, because that's what attracted me to the book in the first place however, she doesn't come out until towards the end of the book. But, sexuality is definitely an issue that is dealt with throughout the whole book. The book really speaks to how gender and sexuality fit into a Black Nationalist paradigm. I have to be honest, that when I struggled with the book a large part of it was because of the heavy Black Nationalist perspective that Manjani was a part of. My own vision of what true liberation means for us as a people and it's not exclusive to the Black community, and therefore not in line with Black Nationalism. However, that's another post for another time. Back to the story, the book carries you through the emotional, spiritual and even physical journey of Manjani as she deals with a family crisis, and tries to live out her socio-political ideals. The story is filled with tons of quintessential Black Nationalist rhetoric that is both refreshing, and entertaining. I was often annoyed by Manjani's attitude, but also loved how she dealt with the "well meaning" White racists she encounters. It highlights a lot of the short comings in Black Nationalist organizations and what happens when your idealic view of the Black community is confronted with the reality of human nature. All in all it was a good read, I felt like the book dragged through her transformation and she went really unchanged for a large portion of the book and then all of a sudden her eyes are open.

This might be due in part to the spiritual journey she is also on throughout the book. I have to be honest I find that part of the book the most riveting and exciting, but also confusing. You are thrust into her world which is completely like ours except that she sees things in the spiritual realm that most people don't. It is such an ingrained part of her life that the author doesn't really give full explanation of. In the beginning she talks a lot about second sight and her journey, but you're not sure if she's speaking literally or metaphorically. I found myself frustrated at times, but ultimately I was rooting for her and eager to see where her journey would take her. I wished that the author would have included more of a lesbian community, rather than just references to other Queer people, but her sexuality really wasn't the focus of this book. It isn't a coming out novel, but rather a coming of age novel and I appreciate the boldness that Manjani possesses and the novel as a whole.

The next book I read was She Slipped and Fell by Shonda. **1/2
I came across this book the same way I did Manjani through Sistah's on the Shelf; really the only resource out there for Black Lesbian fiction. She slipped and fell seemed like it would be a departure from much of the Black Lesbian hood lit that's out there. Which, if you like it then more power to you, I just prefer something different. Anyway, I've had this book for a few months and hadn't gotten around to it until today. I tried to start it a couple of weeks ago, but was turned off by the very first scene where one of the characters is taking a shit. I'm sorry that just grossed me out too much. That may just be my issue, but it definitely made me pause.

She slipped and fell is in short about two friends who fall in love, and try to figure out how to love each other openly. I have to be completely honest and say I absolutely did not like this book for at least the first half of it. I felt like the author was slipping into a lot of the same tired descriptions and notions of beauty concerning the characters. *side rant* I'm so sick and tired of authors having to make one of the characters have light eyes, skin or hair in order to make them extra special and beautiful. My family is filled with people of varying shades of hair, skin and eyes and it adds to their beauty in the same way that anyone else's hair, skin and eyes do. It doesn't make them extra special, and they shouldn't be exoticized because of it! Ok rant over. Back to the story the two main characters Tina and Kendall were refreshing in that they were middle class Black girls, not extra rich and not struggling through the drug game. They were both good students with goals and little to stand in their way. They fall in love and that predictable throws their worlds for a loop, but for me the most interesting part of the book was seeing who they became as adults and how they handled the decisions the made and the tragedies they were dealt. It was a nice coming out story in that you got to see the whole spectrum of coming out, acceptance of self, acceptance by your family and also dealing with being openly gay in the world. I was troubled with the book in that I felt like the author invalidated butch identity, by inferring that because the two main characters were both femme, they were some how not like those Lesbians, and she also played into a lot of the stereotypes surrounding Butch women.

Their emotional maturity that they showed towards the end of the book made the beginning more bearable and even worth it. I found myself going aww at the end instead of throwing the book. I definitely recommend reading it; however don't expect any profound revelations or your world to be changed. It is a nice book to just sit, read and maybe even commune with a story that may or may not have resonated with your own coming out story.

Freaks and masks

So while I was writing a post about the march and my first day in DC I get a call from my friend from high school calls me, and we agree to meet up at a local bar and catch up. I haven't seen her in a good 6 years. Realizing that we're about to meet up, I realize shit I'm going to have to come out to her. I haven't had to come out to anyone in a while, and I still get nervous. So it was nice, I rambled and we reminisced and talked about where we are now. Afterward it got me thinking, because I put up my mask, I talked about my life as if I was completely comfortable and secure about everything, but clearly I'm not. So I talked, I listened, we hugged and made plans to get together during thanksgiving.

But, later when I was walking back to my hotel, all of these thoughts came to my mind, about where I'm at in my life. Where I wanna be, how I'm sick of being single, sick of being a virgin. I was thinking about how much I've changed since High School, and I still feel insecure about it all. I still feel like a freak 90% of the time. So I get back to my hotel and I start to look at my books that I bought, and I stopped at Lambda Rising and bought the 2nd edition of Does Your Mama Know? Which when I was first coming out was my life saver. I clung to it like it was the last bit of air on earth. So I was looking at some of the new stories and I stopped at Olive Demetrius', and you all know I love me some UPeople lol. And I identified so much with her story I felt so much better, instantly. It was the same feeling that I got when I was in KY watching UPeople, or reading the first edition of the book. Even though I've come a long way, there are still times where I fear that my world is going to come crashing down, because I'm gay, where I fear for everythiing and I think that I'm truly a freak because, no one else seems to have the same issues that I'm having. That's why these stories are so important because even though you can be surrounded by a million people you can still be lonely, and these stories help me feel a little less lonely.

We Wear the Mask

WE wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

Let's connect!

I've been thinking a lot lately about meeting one on one and having physical interaction with each other. It's so easy not to do this day and age, because we have so many other mediums of communicating. Hell, we text more than we talk now a days. So this really came up last weekend when I was talking with a friend about the importance of marching and why I'm marching in this national equality march. I was thinking that it's important to be known as more than a signiture or an ip address or a screen name.

Our lives and experiences are real and important and making connections with one another in real life can't compare to the best of online conversations. Oddly enough Bruce Willis' new movie surrogates reminded me of that. It got me thinking would I want some robot out there living my life for me? The answer is a clear no there is just something about being out there and living life for real that can't be beat. Especially when it comes to activism its important for us to have an online pressence as well as a physical one. So this weekend I'll be in DC marching for equality, cold and all. So if you're gonna be there too and want to meet up let me know, because I'm heading down there by myself. I'll see you there.

My greatest addiction

My name is Journey Woman and I'm a book addict.


The before... which is not even all of my books.



The After

bookshelf 1


Bookshelf 2

Pursuing my dreams

So its very hard to have a dream and actually confess it out loud, because once you give voice to your dream I believe the Universe sits and waits to see what you'll do with it. And this, is where I am now. I have confessed to my two closest friends my revelation of what I ultimately want to do with my life, and now I bring it here. I find I need to say it a few times for it really to sink in. I started off saying in my head. If I could do anything in the world, I would be a writer. Then to my friends I said "I want to be a professional writer". And, now I'm saying I am going to be a writer. That last time was hard, because its true I've moved from the wishing and hoping stage to the open declaration stage and its FUCKING scary. Because the truth of the matter is that I am terrified that I am going to fail, that I'm not good enough. My main concern is my grammar which sucks, as you can tell her. Even though I make no effort to be grammatically correct here. When I start writing something for this blog, I just let my fingers flow over the keyboard and whatever comes out, comes out. I do not proofread because ultimately I probably wouldn't publish anything I write. Anyway back to what I was saying I am going to be a writer. I'm speaking it into being and actually taking steps towards my goal. I'm currently working on several things, that up until now I have been afraid to do. I'm currently working on a novel and a short story. These are some ideas that I have had for a long time, and now I'm ready to commit to them, commit to myself and commit to working to make sure that I'm happy.

I'm nervous for several reasons, the main one is that I've never had any type of training, I've never even taken a creative writing class. I feel almost like a fraud an imposter trying to enter into a circle where people have worked long and hard for years and hear I am saying yes I want to be one of you. But, I realized that I feel better when I write. Even now this free flow of ideas and thoughts feels good, it releases some of the pressure from all the other bull shit I have deal with every day. Tonight I've been feeling very creative and in the zone. I got 3 pages out on my novel and more that were just random notes. So hear goes nothing I'm throwing my hat into the ring let's see how this all turns out.

silent

When I first saw her face I was silent, I said nothing, didn’t acknowledge it or the pain that was growing in my chest every second I saw that ugly bruise on her face. I didn’t say anything because I wanted to save her from having to come up with another lie or excuse, because we all know what happened. So what would the purpose be of making her lie about something we all know the truth about. I said nothing, because there is nothing left to be said that hasn’t already been said. We’ve said it, all of us. We’ve told her she doesn’t deserve to be beaten like this. We’ve told her how wonderful and beautiful she is, but it doesn’t matter to her because every man in her life has hit her and abused her.

So I said nothing, swallowed the bile that was rising smiled, called her by he nickname and watched her walk out the door back to him. I watch her sit proudly next to him as if half of her beautiful face wasn’t marred with bruises. As if she wasn’t hiding two knife cuts underneath her clothes. She told her daughter she fought for the first 2 rounds but not the last one, because she took a hard hit. As I hear her daughter re tell this story I can’t help but wonder if she’ll leave him before that final too hard hit comes. But, I’m silent, because I’m helpless in this situation. I can’t make her see the beauty we all see, I can’t make her realize he’s scum and isn’t worthy of him. I can’t’ make her tell the truth to the police instead of lie to cover up for him. I can't make her see that if she doesn't leave him he'll kill her before AIDS will. So I’m silent and its killing me, watching him slowly kill her.