Thursday, January 11, 2007

a note on lust

I never thought that I'd be happy for lust. It’s really odd, growing up the good Christian girl in church they always talked about the evils of lust and when sitting around with my friends and we'd talk about the guys and how they had lusted after them. I would act like I knew exactly what they were talking about I'd co sign and add my little tid bits the whole time knowing that I had no idea what they were talking about. I would look at a guy and say oh he's really cute or ooo look at his chest, I was a great actress I knew how to fake attraction well. But, the whole time I knew in actuality I did not want to have sex with these men; I didn't even want them to touch me. However, I was very mindful of watching anything with female nudity because that was a problem. I think that the reason that I'm so prudish and that I never allowed my friends to be naked around me because I didn't want to tempt myself, but I had no problem with having pictures of half naked men around. I even remember saying to my friends, during one of our many conversations about men, I said “I don't really want to have sex with them" and I was waiting for them to be like yeah me too, but instead I got a chorus of I do's.

So this past weekend while at a party and meeting this girl who I was like WOW she's really sexy, I was happy. It was more than a desire for a girl it was the beauty of being free to be me. Now I'm not saying that I'm going to pursue this girl (I'm much to shy) but there's potential, there's space, and most importantly I'm no longer faking to fit in.


Darkmind said...

Lets see...
chance 1) 22 x 2 = 44
chance 2) 44 x 2 = 88
chance 3) 88 x 2 = 176<--!!!
So statistically (barring any major calamity), you've only got one, maybe two more chances to live your lifetime over again...shyness and lust aprehension aside, I'd say persue the hell out of her! No matter what the outcome, I think it is essential to your personal growth to do so. Don't forget that your 'journey' is a bit time sensitive. It may not be much consolation, but I wish you luck.

FEMily! said...

I'm glad you're becoming more comfortable with yourself and finding yourself at your own pace.

“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.” ~Audre Lorde