Scars

I have a lot of scars all over my legs. They're not as bad as they used to be, but they're still there and still very present. See I'm allergic to bug bites and after they blister they leave nice scars on my legs. Which would be annoying but not that big of a deal for most people. However, as the dermatologist told me when I was younger I have slow healing skin apparently which means mine stick around for an extra long time. It really is wonderful :side eye: Anyway the point is that I have scars all over my legs and I've always been very aware of them because people don't like to let me forget them. I remember being younger and both children and adults would ask what happened to my legs (like that's ever an appropriate question), and for some reason I would always try to explain. It's really ridiculous when you think about why I should dignify these rude motherfuckers with an answer about my skin, just because they're nosey. Why should I allow them in to my private life and explain about my skin when they really could care less about me. But, I always answered always. I would explain they were just mosquito bites, and then I'd have to deal with their continued ignorant comments about damn how many mosquitoes bit you? See because bites that were years old looked the same as bites that were only a few months.

Eventually I began to wear pants all the time, which really dealt with the issue because people could no longer see my scars so I didn't have to deal with the questions. However, I was a lifeguard so whenever I went to work I'd have to deal with the questions again, but I'd always answer and deal with the humiliation again. Fortunately eventually they did begin to lighten and they are nowhere near as bad as they used to be. But they're still there, but I no longer cover them up. I no longer hide them because I don't want to be hot and uncomfortable when it's hot. However, I’m always aware of them.

Then this New years eve as I was trying to clean up my house and get the everything in order for the new year I cut my leg on my hamper and now I have a new scar, a nice long one on my calf. I was pissed when I got it, because I know it's going to stick around for a while. Every now and then when I'm lotioning up and I look at it I get pissed again, because there it is just staring at me, mocking me and my formerly improving legs. I stare at it and I resent it and all the other scars that didn't dare heal any faster, and I'm pissed that I was making so much progress but now this one fucking scar is going to stick around. But, it'll be ok I tell myself. It's just one scar of many and it won't stop you from living your life, but it's still another scar and I'll always remember it's there. It showed up when I was trying to get my life together and now I'm stuck with it.

I don't really know why I decided to share the story of my scars, but I guess I'm trying to move from being scarred to having scars.

Me

Something has been really bothering me lately, it feels like there is so much resistance to me just being me. I feel like in order to "fit" I need to change so many aspects of myself. From the way I dress, to how I live my life. It seems like whatever I do just isn't enough. It isn't ok and I'm so over it. I feel this particularly when it comes to dating. I'm neither butch nor femme or androgynous. I'm just me, my style is very much for comfort, most days I'm wearing jeans, t-shirt and head scarf; and that's how I'm comfortable dressing. I don't like heels, I can't walk in them and they hurt my feet, so I don't wear them anymore simple. I don't wear make up, and I could careless about whether my nail polish is all there. Those things just aren't important to me. Sometimes I like to show of the Venus and Serena with a nice low cut shirt, and I don't like my clothes to be overly loose are tight fitting. This is just who I am, and I'm tired of being made to feel like I need to change these aspects of myself. Unfortunately it seems like to get a date I need to change in some way, dress up, dress down, become more butch or more femme. But, that's not me. QuarterlifeQueer posted an amazing post not too long ago, about life in the middle, and its absolutely beautiful and definitely on time. So often, we are forgotten, us who switch it up and just live in the gray area of an already gray community.

I'm also not one of those extra granola dykes. I care about the environment and what's going on with the earth, but I also like my degree deodorant. If that makes me a hypocrite then so be it. I'm a meat eater and I'm not gonna change that, I even, gasp, eat pork! I know scandalous right? I also like to get drunk every now and then. I reserve the right to be all of this and so much more and I'm not changing any time soon, and if I change it will be my choice and not because I felt pressured.
Yes I'm 25 years old and still a virgin, no I'm not happy about it, but I'm not ashamed either. I'm also not a puppy to be put on display as the 25 yr old virgin. I've also been out for 3 years and haven't been in a relationship with a woman or even kissed a woman, and it has nothing to do with me being unsure about my sexuality. Sure I wish things were different, but they're not. This is my life, these are my experiences. I guess this is all apart of reclaiming me, because this is who I am and I'm tired of feeling bad for it. Hopefully this won't mean that I'm single for the next 30 years, but you know what if changing who I am is what it takes to find someone fuck it! I'll be single.

Angry

So I started this post on my ipod while I was on the train home for thanksgiving. Since my mother and sister have currently pissed me off I decided to add to it and post it.

I'm just angry! Are you ever just so mad that everything pisses you off and you hate everyone. That's how I'm feeling right now. So here's a list of what is currently pissing me off:

My brother's selfishness
Not being able to tell him that he's being selfish
Heteronormativity
Not having a lot of gay friends
Picky homeless beggers
NYC subways
My MA program
Auto correct on my iPod
Not being able to say what I feel
This whole fucking world
My iPod changing fucking to ducking
Loud ass people on the train
Bad kids
Ugly jumpsuits
Rich white men
Racist gay people
All the fucking happy lesbian couples in NYC (yes I'm hating because I'm single)
Being fucking single
Feeling like I don't belong
Hipsters
Not being able to sleep on the train because this douche bag doesn't have his shit together
People getting on the wrong fucking train
Coming home and being treated like a child (new addition)

Please Stop Niecy Nash!

So a few weeks ago me and my sister got into an argument over Niecy Nash. We were watching Clean house and I was so bothered by her, I definitely felt like she was sort of mammyish. She was full of girlfriends, and honey and listen to mama. And I'm just tired of seeing Black women portrayed that way, especially by Black women. I recognize that that's her character and that's how she's making money but damn at what expense? I'm not saying that Black actresses have to all be Claire Huxtable but can we stay away from reinforcing stereotypes. My opinion was reinforced when I saw her on the Wendy Williams show. She seemed fairly cool but I was too through when I found out that she had creative licensce behind her character and particularly her appearance. Which is particularly a problem when it came to her red carpet outfit at the Hollywood premiere. She put on a prosthetic butt which she proudly showed off in a bathing suit. If this isn't reminisent of the Hottentot venus I don't know what is.


What's really horrible are all the comments under this picture. Some of the worst are

picho Mon, Jul 21, 2008 at 08:18 PM EST

I only watched the Reno movie because I saw her in a swimsuit in the trailer....I was completely erect whenever she was onscreen!! She has a fine-ass body!!

drools Fri, Jun 13, 2008 at 11:34 PM EST

my dick is so hard i was jacking off on her ass during the movie

mila Wed, Feb 21, 2007 at 12:39 AM EST

Hmmmm....they're right black IS better

Like I said I get it, you need to make money, but was it really necessary to do it at the detriment to all Black women? I saw a picture of her and her daughter and it was a very nice and sweet picture, but when her daughter is grown and some ignorant ass comes up to her and says some slick shit about her butt, or some dumb white girl comes up to her and says hey girlfriend. Will Niecy Nash feel at all culpable in perpetuating this image of Black women?

Copy cats suck!!

I'm pissed!!

I was on facebook the other day when I notice that this girl I went to Trinidad with got the exact same tattoo as me, but instead of it on her wrist its on her neck. Now this was no coincidence, she did not just happen upon the same design as me. I posted the picture of my tattoo shortly after I got it and this girl wrote on my wall ooh I want that tattoo. I commented back hehe thanks, and that was it in my mind. Now 7 months later she posts pictures of the exact same tattoo that I have. Now I don't have a common tattoo, I'm sure that there are people in the world with my tattoo, but I think its just tacky to copy the exact same tattoo that someone you know has. I'm so mad, I took time and researched and thought about this and its very personal to me. Now I don't doubt that she appreciates the meaning but this girl doesn't have a track record of being very thoughtful with tattoos. She has a rosary on her foot, mind you she's not catholic and doesn't even believe in God. She has a Sanskrit tattoo on her back that doesn't even mean what she thought. I know this may sound petty but I'm just so mad that she blatantly copied my tattoo.

The original


The copy

The saturday from hell

So I wake up saturday excited for a new day, I decided to make a real breakfast. I bought some cornbeef hash which reminded my of my childhood, hooked it up with some eggs and my famous homefries. I'm all excited my food is done and looks great. So instead of sitting at my dining room table i want to eat in my living room, so as I'm walking to the living room I trip over my mop and knock it further in my way. Then I smash my toes against the mop and it HURT like hell! I was like damn I banged my foot good, then I look at my toe and I see a little bruise that's growing and getting darker. Then I look at it and wonder has my middle toe always been a little crooked, I don't think so. I've also never had a stubbed toe hurt this much before. It hurts so bad I feel nautious and I feel like crying - I don't cry... EVER! -- but it hurt that bad. So being the rational 24 year old woman I am, I call my mommy. She agrees its probably broken, so I decide to go to the ER and have a professional look at it, I don't want to have a crooked toe forever. So I hobble to the bathroom shower and get dressed. Then I call for a cab, and the phone just rings and rings and rings. Then I find another number and finally get a cab to come. A few minutes later I get a call the cab is outside he's a little confused and tells me to come out. I walk outside and don't see a cab, then I look down the street and see it about a block away from my house. So I hobble down the block to this damn cab and I'm in pain and he wants to make conversation, clearly I'm not in the mood. I ask him to take me to the ER and this idiot takes me to another entrance so I have to walk through this damn hospital to get to the ER.
Fortunately I didn't have to wait long to be seen only about 30 mins. I don't know why when I have a broken to does everyone decide they want to walk me all over the damn hospital, but I have to walk to the most out of the way area. They check me out take me to get an X ray and this ass of an x ray tech needs to get a side view of my toe, so he needs to put a tongue depresser to push my toe up. At first he was gentle, and then for some reason he forgets he's xraying my toe because its most likely broken. This mother fucker starts wiggling my broken toe around like its a fucking piece of clay. I'm clutching the damn x ray table in an effort to not clutch his throat. Can someone please explain why he needed a little led vest while he was holding the tongue depresser from hell and I didn't get one. Anyway I finally get back to the exam room and they confirm my toe is broken and then they tell me that I get to have a fucking munster shoe and crutches. Then the nurse comes to figure out what size for this damn shoe and he feels the need to comment on how big my feet are, because that was fucking necessary! His ignorant country ass had the nerve to say woo doggie, that's a big foot. Who says shit like that! I'm finally free from this damn hospital, and I call the cab again. Now this cab couldn't come to the entrance I told them, no he had to park down a huge fucking slope, do you know how hard it is to manage crutches down a slope? So this is how I spent my wonderful saturday, now I feel trapped in my house. Because, walking too much hurts my toe, but I can't manage these damn crutches. So how was your weekend?

Look at my sexy new footwear

10 million animals

In an attempt to not blog about my recent bout of depression, I'm going to poll all my Queer female readers. What is it with same sex couples and pets? Now I am not a pet person, I'm more a plant person I have 6 plants and they all have names, Audre, Assata 2.0, Angela, Betty, Coretta and Frida. I'm pretty sure you can figure out where the names came from, but I pretty much watch anything with lesbians in it, because that's how I've found community, but all the reality shows where there's a lesbian coouple they always have like 10 million pets.. ok I'm exaggerating but you get the point. So here's my question, do you have pets? If so how many? And why all the damn animals?

Now don't get me wrong I like animals.... just not near me. For real though let me know.

Newsflash to Nextel

Newsflash to Nextel!!
there are Female Firefighters, there's a reson why we say firefighters and not firemen. Thanks!

Okay what is with all the drama! So remember the married girl who was trying to talk to me, and through the wise advice of you wonderful readers as well as others I realized that its just a bad idea to get involved. Well she just sent me a message asking why I was avoiding her and if she got her signals crossed. Okay so its true I have been avoiding her but not really, I've responded to all of her text messages, but not her facebook wall comment and her call which she sent right before the text. I'm just a little taken a back that we have to have this relationship type talk when we're not even in a relationship. We haven't even kissed or anything some drunken hand holding and a leg rub really doesn't constitute a situation where a talk needs to occur. Sure we tentatively set up a date but it wasn't an official date and there was no date set up! What the hell is going on!! Now I have to have this stupid conversation about how I'm not going to get involved with her because she's married.

I guess I didn't expect it to go there because nothing really happened warranting a conversation. There's only one girl that I could really see having legitimate reason for us to talk and ask why I'm sending mixed signals because I have. This married girl not so much. Its not really drama just annoying, I really wanted to respond to the text saying its not that serious!! Because it's really not!

Exercise is not for big girls!

Okay so I'm on this let's get healthy and lose 50 lbs by the time I start my PhD program (hopefully in the fall) kick. I really need to relax and I've always wanted to try yoga. So not wanting to embarrass myself and on an impulse buy, I bought this starting yoga kit. This kit came with a mat, a block, a strap and a "complete" DVD. The DVD turned out to be a 15min AM work out, a prop work out about another 15min and a small illustration which doesn't really tell you what to do. It sort of assumes you already know. So not being deterred I bought a real beginner yoga DVD. The first one wasn't that bad when I tried it was all the back bends. But today I tried sitting poses and it’s so annoying because they were not made for big girls, matter of fact curvy people. I wish that this problem was only in yoga, but my senior year I took Karate and had the same problem. What was that problem you asked? My curves get in the way! In karate when we would be asked to bring our arms all the way to our chest, my chest would get in the way. I would get so frustrated because my instructor would tell me to bring it over closer when it was just impossible. The last bra I fit was a 40 DDD, now a few months ago I went to buy some more and yeah they didn't fit anymore. So I'm well endowed to say the least. I'm also not lacking in the butt area, I'm not saying this to tell everyone how curvy I am, but to say I've got more than your average girl. So what am I to do when they require your back to completely flat against the ground, its just not possible!

Are there any workout programs that know how to deal with an amply blessed woman lol? I'm just sick in tired of being completely frustrated by exercise programs that work on the premise that every person doing them has a small to average chest, and a flat butt! I know I'm not the only one! Ladies tell me your stories, has anyone overcome this?

Laptop Etiquette

Okay so right now as I'm typing this I'm in class, and yeah yeah sure I shuld be paying complete attention, but come on let's be real one of the main reasons why I have my laptop is so that I can surf the web when I'm bored i nclass. I get it, and completely recognize that this is one of the reasons why many people use their laptops in class, and I'm okay with it. I still get my work done though. My problem though is that while I am very quietly doing something else this loud heffer in front of me is typing away so fucking loudly that I want throw something at her. She's tap tapping away and its annoying as hell so in light of this I decided to post some laptop etiquette for the classroom, just in case this annoying heffer in front of me happens to read this.

1. try and type softly and quietly, while you may be able to deal with your loud tapping the rest of the class wants to cause you severe bodily harm (well maybe that last part is just me)

2. If you are going to go online and surf the web do not sit in a spot where the majority of the class can see what you're doing, its distracting.

3. try to at least appear to be taking notes in class, open up a word document and only type when it would seem appropriate to do so. We all know you're not paying attention, even the professor does, but it's rude to not even attempt to hide it.

4. TURN YOUR SOUND OFF!!!! Now I'm guilty of this every once in a while so a few times are excusable , but please try remember to mute your computer no one wants to hear all the random noises computers make.

If you follow these four simple rules you will be alright

So I’ve been thinking more and more about white liberals and white people in general. Growing up in the US as a Black woman who later discovered that she was a lesbian has definitely influenced my outlook on life. I’ve always gone to integrated schools, and I’ve been so use to being the only person of color or one of a few in a classroom that I hardly even notice it anymore. I still get annoyed and aggravated when I don’t see any people of color on a television show, but not aggravated enough to stop watching.

As I’m writing this I’m in class, a class about sexuality from a historical perspective and in this class I’m one of two people of color out of about 20, and it’s a shame to say that its to the point that I forget that I’m out numbered because it happens so often in my life. But in this class there is usually one of my good friends a nice white liberal, she got her masters in Black studies and studies post colonial Africa, she’s aware of her privilege supposedly, but I have to constantly still call her on some of the stupid and down right ignorant things she says. She takes pride in being so open minded, progressive, she talks about it all the time. She calls herself a Black feminist; she even created a facebook group for progressive white people. She talks about not caring about being the only white person or one of two in a class, but I don’t think she really gets it. I don’t think most white people really get it, even white liberals.

They talk about being allies but in the end they’re all more concerned with getting their “black card,” being considered down. It’s sickening. People of color are expected to get used to being out numbered in work, school and everywhere else outside of their community and when in this world we must conform to their standards for everything. While they claim to have relinquished their privilege, they really haven’t but rather they have transformed the ways in which they gain their privilege. Now they want to be applauded and celebrated for their willingness to enter the world of the colored people, and not lynching them as they enter. I’m just so tired of it all dealing with them, now while I’m saying they and them I don’t mean all white liberals and certainly not all white people. I’m just tired of putting up with all the bull shit.

There is a quote by Barbara Smith that says

“Quiet as it's kept, whether we are "rioting" or not, most African Americans live every day with greater or lesser amounts of rage toward white people and the system that gives them power and privilege to decimate our lives. I know I do”

and I think that’s what I’ve been dealing with more and more lately I have a lot of anger built up inside against white people and I do mean this in a general way. This isn’t to say that there aren’t white people that I love dearly, but deep down I’m pissed at them for the privilege that they have and use everyday. I’m working on this anger because I realize that this isn’t healthy. I’ve been reading Alice Walker’s the temple of my familiar and I have been captivated by the gospel according to Shug if you haven’t read them before here they are:

HELPED are those who are enemies of their own racism; they shall live in harmony with the citizens of this world, and not with those of their ancestors, which has passed away, and which they shall never see again.

HELPED are those born from love: conceived in their father's tenderness and their mother's orgasm, for they shall be those - numbers of whom will be called "illegitimate" whose spirits shall know no boundaries, even between heaven and earth, and whose eyes shall reveal the spark of the love that was their own creation. They shall know joy equal to their suffering and they will lead multitudes into dancing and Peace.

HELPED are those too busy living to respond when they are wrongfully attacked: on their walks they shall find mysteries so intriguing as to distract them from every blow.

HELPED are those who find something in Creation to admire each and every hour. Their days will overflow with beauty and the darkest dungeon will offer gifts.

HELPED are those who receive only to give; always in their house will be the circular energy of generosity; and in their hearts a beginning of new age on Earth: when no keys will be needed to unlock the heart and no locks will be needed on the doors.

HELPED are those who love the stranger; in this they reflect the heart of the Creator and that of the Mother.

HELPED are those who are content to be themselves; they will never lack mystery in their lives and the joys of self-discovery will be constant.

HELPED are those who love the entire cosmos rather than their own tiny country, city, or farm, for to them will be shown the unbroken web of life and the meaning of infinity.

HELPED are those who live in quietness, knowing neither brand name nor fad; they shall live every day as if in eternity, and each moment shall be full as it is long.

HELPED are those who love others unsplit off from their faults; to them will be given clarity of vision.

HELPED are those who create anything at all, for they shall relive the thrill of their own conception, and realize a partnership in the creation of the Universe that keeps them responsible and cheerful.

HELPED are those who love the Earth, their mother, and who willingly suffer that she may no die; in their grief over her pain they will weep rivers of blood, and in their joy in her lively response to love, they will converse with trees.

HELPED are those whose every act is a prayer for harmony in the Universe, for they are the restorers of balance to our planet. To them will be given the insight that every good act done anywhere in the cosmos welcomes the life of an animal or a child.

HELPED are those who risk themselves for others' sakes; to them will be given increasing opportunities for ever greater risks. Theirs will be a vision of the world in which no one's gift is despised or lost.

HELPED are those who strive to give up their anger; their reward will be that in any confrontation their first thoughts will never be of violence or war.

HELPED are those whose every act is a prayer for peace; on them depends the future of the world.

HELPED are those who forgive; their reward shall be forgetfulness of every evil done to them. It will be in their power, therefore, to envision the new Earth.

HELPED are those who are shown the existence of the Creator's magic in the Universe, they shall experience delight and astonishment without ceasing.

HELPED are those who laugh with a pure heart; theirs will be the company of the jolly righteous.

HELPED are those who love all the colors of all the human beings, as they love all the colors of animals and plants; none of their children, nor any of their ancestors, nor any parts of themselves, shall be hidden from them.

HELPED are those who love the lesbian, the gay, and the straight, as they love the sun, the moon, and the stars. None of their children, nor any of their ancestors, nor any parts of themselves, shall be hidden from them.

HELPED are those who love the broken and the whole; none of their children, nor any of their ancestors, nor any of themselves shall be despised.

HELPED are those who do not join mobs; theirs shall be the understanding that to attack in anger is to murder in confusion.

HELPED are those who find the courage to do at least one small thing each day to help the existence of another - plant, animal, river, or other human being. They shall be joined by a multitude of the timid.

HELPED are those who lose their fear of death; theirs is the power to envision the future in a blade of grass.

HELPED are those who love and actively support the diversity of life; they shall be secure in their differentness.

HELPED are those who know.

What I love is that she’s really talking about dealing with your anger, and even in the book one of the character’s is struggling because she keeps having dreams where she’s killing white people and then trying to put them back together. She’s struggling because she doesn’t want to do this but she keeps having these dreams. I think what Alice walker was talking about was this underlying anger. All I know is that I’m going to have to do something to deal with this anger and the white liberals that I’m coming in to contact with.

You know there is a lot going on in politics right now, and I just finished watching Life and Debt about the IMF and how it has screwed up Jamaica. The more I think about our current administration, and I would like to write a very intelligent critique about President Bush, but all I can think of to say is

FUCK YOU BUSH
FUCK YOU!!!
FUCK YOU'RE FUCKED UP WAR!
FUCK YOU!
FUCK YOU!
FUCK YOOOOOOU!!

That is all

dating rant

So here's the deal I've been about to myself for almost two years and friends and family a year and a half. I've been processing, dealing, reading, preparing everything I felt I needed to do to get myself accustomed to my new reality of living as an out black lesbian in the USA. I purposely have not tried to hard to seek a relationship for a while because I realized that I needed to get me ready, but now I feel I'm ready and open, and just waiting for the experience of being in a relationship. But, the problem is that I live in a southern city with approximately 2.5 "available" black women who are interested in women (I'm not even talking about identifying as a lesbian. I don't care I'll date someone who is bi, all I care about is that you're in to women).

So yeah my dating options are severely limited, I have this one girl who I went on a datelet (you know more than just chilling, but not an official date) with, but that night she was too high to function and when she met my friends when they came down she hit on one of them and basically acted like an ass. Despite this all I still find her attractive and when drunk last weekend threw myself at her all night, then completely missed her signal of "let's get it on" which in hind sight was a good thing. But despite this all I'm stuck, frustrated and anxious to get over this whole first business over, you know first girlfriend, lover, heartbreak etc...
So I guess the message of the night is DAMN THIS TOWN!!! I NEED A GIRLFRIEND!

Following this random post 3:45am post I think I will follow TS and anacoana's trend and adopt post midnight blogging guidelines.

ranting and music

Wow I really hadn't noticed that its been so long since my last post. This school year has been kicking my ass hard, already. But its a good ass kicking... I think, I guess I'll find out later. I've gotten renewed motivation in my research, because this ass hole of a kid recently commenting on the Black Lesbian lives, that is being offered this semester, said that its the most irrelevant course ever. Really? Black lesbian lives are irrelevant and not worth being studied? I'm so glad that I found out that I have no place in studies that are supposed to be studying Black people as a whole, because obviously my life is irrelelvant. Everytime I think about what he said I get more and more angry, fortunately I wasn't there for his little speech, which later included him saying what's next a class on "Retarded Black lesbian midgets with one eye"? Isn't he a great guy? But it is people like him that make me research Black SGL (same gender loving) women. So FUCK HIM! and all of his fucked up ideologies!

On other news I've been so obsessed with music lately. I just bought Ledisi's album and it's pretty amazing! I've been playing it non stop since I got it here's a little glimpse



Thanks to After Ellen to a link to Alicia Keys' new single which I've played 10 times in a row

Alicia Keys NO ONE (new audio)
Uploaded by kurb35

on my mind...

So my dear friends in blog world I got a girl on my mind. Yes yes I know, its so unlike me to be thinking about women ;-) This girl is a friend of a friend who lives about 5 hours from me, and I've been talking to her everyday for several hours online, for about 3 weeks. We've both been out for about 1 year, we both care deeply about oppressed people and also come from religious backgrounds. We just really vibe! I really can't explain it any other way than we just vibe together. I really enjoy talking to her, and we flirt like crazy, I'm not gonna lie its pretty obvious. So while this may sound all well and good I'm not sure what I want from her or this whatever it is. This post is pretty pointless but its about 3 am she got offline early and I'm thinking about her. This is so frustrating, because like I said in a previous post we both are shy when it comes to romance, so neither one of us has said explicitly that we like each other, but I'm fairly confident that she likes me. My best friend told me to just ride it out, which I intend to but I'm obsessing over it now. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because I don't know if I want a relationship with her at this point in my life, but I'm growing frustrated with just riding it out.

I need to be numb, I need not to feel not to think not to worry. I just need to be numb, because no solution is good enough. I'm pissed that my aunt has just been a doormat for various men in her life, they've used her body, given her AIDS, given her bruises, given her nothing but hell and there's nothing I can do. I can call a number, I can call her, I can do a multitude of things but what if none of it works? What then? what do I say to my lil cousins ? I have so much rage coursing through my body that I can barely think straight. She deserves so much better than this, she's lived a life of nothing but pain and there's nothing I can do. My mom says that every man that she's been with has hit her. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? is that supposed to make it better. I have tons of options but none of them seem to be good enough. Nothing will make me feel better than to see him dead. My anger has done nothing but grown all day. My little sister called me crying because she feels helpless like me, I told her tons of things shit that I don't even believe. Shit that I know will do nothing to soothe her because it didn't soothe me. I can't get home right now and all I want to do is be home. Be there to look at my aunt's swollen face and tell her how much I love her and how she deserves so much more than this. I don't think a phone call could do it. I want to hold my lil cousins while they cry I want to stab that man in his heart.

I'm sick and tired of arrogant narcissistic professors!!
I'm tired of Grad School,
I'm tired of stressing myself out for what? I don't know.
I'm tired of it all!!!

FUCK GRAD SCHOOL
FUCK ACADEMIA
JUST FUCK IT ALL!!!!

PISSED!!!

I'm swamped with work right now so this is going to be short. But in my department there are a few constant debates the main one is on hip hop, the good the bad and the ugly, and the other is Alice Walker's the color purple. I check out of the hip hop one, but am always involved in the Alice Walker one, especially once I hear the arguments. The debate isn't about whether or not The Color Purple was good or not, but rather how Alice Walker made Black men look horrible. The men arguing against her are upset because to them Black men treating Black women so horribly is almost unheard of. To make it even worst a professor today said that he had found no proof that Black men beat their wives and rape their daughters! ............. I CAN NOT BELIEVE THAT!!

To make such a bogus statement is ridiculous. I wasn't there when the professor made the statement, but my question is has he talked to any Black women? EVER!

When are people going to open their minds and stop denying the fact that Black men do in fact cause harm to Black women.

Grow up!

I am so sick and tired of the competition within academic settings. I don't know if it’s just me but it’s really ridiculous. This past week I have had to deal with all sorts of ridiculous petty drama, mainly because I called someone out on their homophobia and it didn't go over so well.
But back to silly competition, it’s crazy! I made a good point in class and got complemented on it and the supreme kiss ass in class couldn't handle it and got all testy. He tried to take away from my point and said he had already said that... come on! When are people going to grow up! I am too old for this bull shit; I'm not in to competing over who makes the best point in class, and who writes the better paper. I'm here trying to get the most out of this program so hopefully I can get in to a good PhD program. However, these idiots just want to fill my life with drama. Well I'm done! I'm done with people, I'm done with foolish competition, and I’m just staying focused and ignoring everyone around me. There is competition over assistantships and who can present first. I foolishly thought that in Grad School people would actually act like adults, silly me.

Thanks to all those who posted nice encouraging words , I haven't had enough time to respond, but I really appreciate it. Darkmind I'm actually taking some of your advice and I just cut someone out of my life.