Journey, love, me.

I'm still on a journey, but a much different one than I thought when I started this blog. When I started I thought my journey was about learning how to live my life as a Lesbian. Now I realize that it's just a part of a greater journey to learn how to live a healthy life. A large part of that is learning how to love me, all of me. Every roll, every scar, ever bump, every neurotic habit, Everything. I am by no means there or even close to being there yet, but I'm closer than I was before. I just washed my hair, and I didn't re-twist it because it's the summer time and it doesn't stay twisted for long anyways. So I left my hair alone and now I'm sporting a serious fro. I'm trying to be ok, with my hair not looking right. I'm trying to be ok with me just as I am. I also am trying to accept and care for my body in it's current state. I have a large scar across my abdomen, I'm trying to love my scar, and the rolls it bisects. I'm trying to love my thick thighs and saggy boobs. So I'm gonna keep saying:

I love my scars, inside and out.
I love my rolls.
I love my hair, in whatever state.
I love the gap between my teeth.
I love my skin.
I love me.


I don't believe everything I just wrote, but if I keep saying it then hopefully one day. I'll be able to write/say this and it'll all be true.

Internet intimacy

In this technological age, we definitely have disconnected from more one on one contact. I’ve found such a great amazing community both in person and online, even though I would have to say my online community is larger than my in person one. None the less there are people I can go to and who I have many things in common with. However, I often find myself obsessively checking, my email, facebook and twitter just praying, wishing, hoping that someone anyone would reach out and try to connect with me. Talk with me show me some type of love, because that’s what we’re all seeking in relationships right? So instead of walking up to someone and putting your arms around them and saying I really just need a hug and need to feel connected to someone. Some of us update our statuses praying that someone comments, take quizzes, post notes, update our blogs, because hey real up close and personal intimacy is hard but putting up an Audre Lorde quote on facebook is easy.

Damsel

Is there room to be both a Radical Queer Woman of Color and a Damsel?

(start at about 4 mins in)


I've been obsessed with Crystal Monee Hall since I saw her at Rivers of Honey a couple of weeks ago. She's amazing and has this song called Damsel which I've been listening to non stop on youtube (since that's the only place I can find it). In her song she tells this woman, that she can love her, show her love and asks her to open her self to her she'll save her. I love everything about this song, her voice, her words and just the groove of it. I would absolutely melt if a woman ever sang this song to me, and I have to admit that the idea of being the Damsel is appealing. How often do we get the opportunity to just be and have someone say don't worry I got you? Now of course, I don't want this all the time 24/7 I want my own agency, but wouldn't it be nice just for a little bit to be able to sit back and just be, and have someone say they're gonna take your distress. Especially as QWOC who in the hell is really offering that?

I guess what really appeals to me about this song goes beyond my own aspirations to have someone save me on some level, but it rekindled the idea that I can still have my own version of a fairy tale. But, My prince doesn't have to be a blond white boy but, a thick beautiful Black Princess with locs and an amazing voice. Oh the possibilities!

Tired

Do you ever get tired?

Not tired after being on your feet all day at work, or running around doing errands, but just tired of all the bull shit in the world namely all these damn hierarchies. Because, right now I'm really tired. I'm tired of always being in the fucking minority. I'm tired of being gay in a straight world, Black in a white world and a woman in a male world. However, right now I'm especially tired of being gay in a straight world. I'm lucky that I have a few incredible straight friends that allow me to drag them to all these gay events with relatively few objections, but its tiring always being on the outside. I go to these amazing events full of beautiful Queer folks and I'm rejuvenated and energized and then I have to leave that space and deal with ignorance from friends, family and the world at large. I'm tired of being the lone voice of dissent with ignorant comments, and I'm tired of educating others. I'm just so fucking tired. I like to see some version of myself in almost every aspect of my life. So I like watching TV and movies with Queer actors, reading books with Queer characters, and listening to music by Queer musicians (even though I have very few Queer music groups on my ipod), but when I do this and support these works then I'm being biased because I'm gay. I think this is largely due to me being constantly viewed as a special interest, and its fucking annoying.
What really set me off was Beyonce's song "If I was a boy", while I have no problem with her writing a song about being on the other side of her relationship, and I don't think everythinig should be catered to include me, people have the right to write about their experience (now that that disclaimer is out of the way). But, what specifically set me off about that song is where she says

"If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl "

The first thing I thought when I heard those lyrics, was well there are millions of women who know how it feels to love a girl, and it ain't got shit to do with being a boy. Like I said before I get it she wasn't talking about us, (which she has every right to do) but it just reiterated to me how often people aren't talking to us. All those stupid fucking generalizations about what every woman wants which always invariably have something to do with some type of man, which doesn't even apply to all hetero women, but it especially excludes Queer women. I'm just tired of having to be understanding at my exclusion.
I'm just so very tired.

I fell in love Sunday Night

I just had the amazing pleasure of seeing Lenelle Moise in her play Expatriate. It was amazing, hands down the best play I've ever seen. The descriptions I've seen of the play don't do it justice. The play is more than the story of 2 women who leave the U.S. to escape all the various isms in the U.S. Its really about the very real and complicated relationship between 2 longtime friends Claudie and Althine. I absolutely fell in love with the main character Claudie. I identified with her so much minus lusting after the best friend. She was so real and troubled. I love how Lenelle Moise was able to show how someone can have a life's worth of baggage and issues and still manage to be a whole person. Then there is Althine who is such a familiar character. I feel like everyone has an Althine in their life. You watch Althine go down this self destructive path and you are rooting for her the whole time. the combination of supeb acting and amazing music completely pulled you in. The fusion of jazz, and jazz influenced music just captivated me. The play starred Lenelle Moise and also Karla Mosley who played Althine. Mosley was amazing (I know how many times can I use amazing, but there really is no other word to describe this play). Karla Mosley really owned the character of Althine she made you feel everything Althine was. I will give away that Althine does struggle with addiction, and Karla Mosley played the cracked out singer role so well I felt like I was watching Whitney Houston on Being Bobby Brown. I found myself sitting there and just wondering how I managed to see this amazing play. I wondered how did she create this piece. I love how Claudie is a Lesbian in the play and sexuality is definitely a large part of this work, but its not the only piece. It is not a tragic coming out story, or the same tired story of the poor lesbian forever lusting after her unsuspecting best friend.

Even though Karla Mosley was stunning, I have fallen completely in love with Lenelle Moise, seriously COMPLETELY in love with her. I love a strong intelligent beautiful woman, and Lenelle Moise is all that and more. She not only starred in the play but she also wrote and composed it. I was lucky enough to get a front row center seat for the play and at one point she glanced down and her eyes were piercing. I saw all the passion and emotion she brought to this role. I went on the night where there was a talk back session about Black Queer protagonists and when she came back out she literally took my breath away she was so stunning. I sat there and just soaked up everything she said. Afterward I shook her hand and I got a picture taken with her, but I get so star struck I couldn't say all I wanted to. I wanted to tell her how much this play touched me, even now its hard to describe. I've been really going through a rough time lately and battling some serious bouts depression, and seeing me reflected back not only in the play but in the wonderful example of a strong beautiful Black Queer woman that is Lenelle Moise, really made me feel so much better. She was so nice when I spoke to her briefly and incoherently (damn my starkstruckness!) I was so nervous I forgot to introduce myself and she asked my name and when she asked I was like why would you even care who I am. But, she is that down earth not just putting up with annoying fans. If stalking wasn't annoying, creepy, illegal and a real turn off I would so stalk her lol! If anyone is in the NYC area and wants to go, but doesn't want to go alone I will go with you, because if I bring its less stalkerish....right? lol
But in all seriousness she was able to put together such a beautiful piece of art that didn't just entertain me, but it touched me. Lenelle and Sharon Bridgeforth were talking about the importance of making positive life choices and choosing to be healthy, and I needed to hear that.
After going to this play I felt the way I do when I go to a U People event, I felt at home.

Callica

Okay I don't know if you can tell but Grey's Anatomy last night blew my mind!! Here's a wonderful fanvid put together. Yay Callica!!!

OH MY GOD!!!

I was actually writing up a post about one of my other wives Mia Michaels, but I had to stop because OH SHIT!! Grey's Fucking Anatomy!!!

If you haven't seen the season finale yet you are missing out, it was amazing!! Spoilers ahead for those who don't want to know.


but Callie and Hahn!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!! AMAZING!!! I really hope they keep this relationship up!!

Did you guys watch? What did you think? I loved every minute of the episode.

Sara Ramirez kissing another woman!!! Its too much for my heart to handle. Laura how are you doing?


edit:
I've added some pictures I've gotten from AfterEllen you should also go over their and read their more coherent recap.

Attraction

So I've been thinking a lot about attraction lately. I used to be really into trying to figgure out my type, and I realized that I don't really have one, but I have started to notice some trends and some oddities. I think I like older women, and I do tend to go for more butch women, but I tend to not like too masculine. There needs to be a nice balance. But lately I've become more aware of what type of person I'm attracted to, and the nature of attraction in general.
A couple of situations have led me to understand my attraction more clearly. A couple of weeks ago I was at a mini conference and there was this woman who I was really attracted to. There was just something about her that I was drawn to and I have no idea what it was. It definitely wasn't her physical appearance, she was the epitome of not my type, whatever it is. But, there was something very appealing about her. There was something about her spirit that really drew me to her. It was definitely internal. I'm also working on my thesis and I'm focusing on Black Butch Lesbians and in order to gain data I've been using a lot of documentaries to bring in experience. So I watched Venus Boyz which wasn't really helpful as a whole except for two women, Dred and Storme Webber, and Storme more so than Dred because she always presents masculine. Anyways Storme again had that something about her, like I said before I tend to not like too masculine, but she was just so appealing. Both of the women that I spoke about before are considerably older than me. I just turned 24 and both of these women are well into their 40's. The woman I met at the conference I would never really try and talk to, but she was still attractive. Now Storme I'd holla with the quickness. She has such a quiet spirit about her, I'm surrounded by so many fake people and she seemed very real and grounded and to have a deeper understanding of everything. Maybe that's what I'm attracted to in older women, that they seem like they just get it.
This brings me to my latest little crush, Dr. G Love. I first saw Dr. G Love on the U People Vlog on After Ellen where they announced that she was going to have her own advice vlog. Last night they posted the first one, but its actually been taken down for some reason. Now Dr. G Love I do find attractive and she also has that grounded personality that I find so appealing. I don't know how much older than me she is, but damn! I was so impressed that I actually had a quite lovely dream about her that I shall be keeping to myself.

So when it comes to my type I'm still not sure what it exactly is, but the woman needs to be down to earth. She can't be to into her appearance, I'm not saying she needs to look like a bum, but not flashy not a lot going on. She just needs to be able to rock her natural beauty. NO HAIR WEAVES!! That is a deal breaker for me, I can deal with a perm, but if you've got a weave you've gone too far. I like natural women, she needs to care about the environment and the world in general. She needs to be culturally aware. There are a lot more characteristics that I can add, but I'm just going to stop here.

So what are you attracted to? Do you have a type? What is it?

shout out to Evolving for a good post on attraction that reminded me I needed to finish this one.

edit: they put the Dr. G Love video back up. Go check it out

pretty self explanatory

Another dimension of love

I read this poem at this poetry thing I went to today and sort of freaked everyone out, I think. I thought it was beautiful and spoke to something very real. It shows that there's another dimension of love.

Untitled

By Lanuola Asiasiga

Do you know what it's like
to have to try and make love
with someone you care about
someone you really love
And in the middle of it all
you hate her
hate her to death
for reminding you
for triggering the memories
you've buried so deep