Monday, December 29, 2008
While I was in college I was very involved in the evangelical student group and put up with a lot of shit from them because we were all God fearing Christians. But, college also exposed me to all different types of people and the hardest to deal with were the few out and proud Queer people on campus, because they were a constant reminder of the lie that I was living. So during my senior year I struggled greatly with my faith, I was starting to feel disconnected because everything I had learned while in church was that God hated homosexuality, oh he loved homosexuals but hated the evil behavior, and I was terrified. I've been to so many different church services where the preacher preached so vehemently against queer people, did altar calls, calling for queer people to come up and be delivered from their wicked ways. So as I was dealing with my sexuality all of this came back to me just telling me that God didn't love me and I was evil.
Clearly I have come to embrace and accept me, wholly and completely, but I still have issues. I have been to queer churches and I know that the words of a many preachers don't accurately reflect God's word. I'm sure that God still loves me, but it's hard when you're constantly being bombarded by gay hating preachers. I realized at the Kwanzaa celebration church is no longer a safe space for me anymore, and that makes me sad. I miss church I want to go back a lot of times, but I feel like I've grown and changed so much and I'm not sure that I fit anymore. When I was hard in to the church I didn't want to hear about any other faith systems because mine was the only one. But, now I respect so many other faiths and have no problem integrating aspects of them into my own life. I have friends that are pagan and I don't see them burning in a fiery hell. Before in church I was taught that anything that isn't exactly in line with Christianity is the work of the devil. But its hard for me now, because I find myself uncomfortable in some Christian situations, not like before, and it honestly makes me worried sometimes. But, I don't know I just don't feel safe anymore in these situations. I don't feel that unconditional love I used to. I know this has a lot to do with me because not all churches are anti gay and homophobic, but just on the everyday its hard.
So this is where I'm at, and I don't know where I'm going but I just needed to get this out.
All trolls be warned your comments will be deleted. You know who you are.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Really gay right? Can't you picture a lesbian singing this at Michfest?
My only complaint was that it seemed a very Christian influenced program. I'm a Christian and I don't really have a problem with people talking about Jesus, but not everyone is Christian and that should be respected also. But actually the Christian presence actually really worked for me and made me feel comfortable. I've found myself uncomfortable lately in heavily Christian situations, and even in church and I couldn't figure out why. Last night made me realize that church wasn't a safe space for me anymore. It used to be I used to love being in church, but after I came out that went away because a lot of the negativity I heard and always feeling like an outsider. Then last night when I was the ultimate insider I felt completely safe. So its definitely a step forward for me. So all in all it was a great night, and I'm glad I went.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Oh Queen we can be so happy you just have to call! lol
I'm just angry! Are you ever just so mad that everything pisses you off and you hate everyone. That's how I'm feeling right now. So here's a list of what is currently pissing me off:
My brother's selfishness
Not being able to tell him that he's being selfish
Not having a lot of gay friends
Picky homeless beggers
My MA program
Auto correct on my iPod
Not being able to say what I feel
This whole fucking world
My iPod changing fucking to ducking
Loud ass people on the train
Rich white men
Racist gay people
All the fucking happy lesbian couples in NYC (yes I'm hating because I'm single)
Being fucking single
Feeling like I don't belong
Not being able to sleep on the train because this douche bag doesn't have his shit together
People getting on the wrong fucking train
Coming home and being treated like a child (new addition)
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Not tired after being on your feet all day at work, or running around doing errands, but just tired of all the bull shit in the world namely all these damn hierarchies. Because, right now I'm really tired. I'm tired of always being in the fucking minority. I'm tired of being gay in a straight world, Black in a white world and a woman in a male world. However, right now I'm especially tired of being gay in a straight world. I'm lucky that I have a few incredible straight friends that allow me to drag them to all these gay events with relatively few objections, but its tiring always being on the outside. I go to these amazing events full of beautiful Queer folks and I'm rejuvenated and energized and then I have to leave that space and deal with ignorance from friends, family and the world at large. I'm tired of being the lone voice of dissent with ignorant comments, and I'm tired of educating others. I'm just so fucking tired. I like to see some version of myself in almost every aspect of my life. So I like watching TV and movies with Queer actors, reading books with Queer characters, and listening to music by Queer musicians (even though I have very few Queer music groups on my ipod), but when I do this and support these works then I'm being biased because I'm gay. I think this is largely due to me being constantly viewed as a special interest, and its fucking annoying.
What really set me off was Beyonce's song "If I was a boy", while I have no problem with her writing a song about being on the other side of her relationship, and I don't think everythinig should be catered to include me, people have the right to write about their experience (now that that disclaimer is out of the way). But, what specifically set me off about that song is where she says
"If I were a boyThe first thing I thought when I heard those lyrics, was well there are millions of women who know how it feels to love a girl, and it ain't got shit to do with being a boy. Like I said before I get it she wasn't talking about us, (which she has every right to do) but it just reiterated to me how often people aren't talking to us. All those stupid fucking generalizations about what every woman wants which always invariably have something to do with some type of man, which doesn't even apply to all hetero women, but it especially excludes Queer women. I'm just tired of having to be understanding at my exclusion.
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl "
I'm just so very tired.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
So the movie was supposed to start at 7:30 but they didn't have the DVD so they needed to stall while we waited for the back up DVD to show up. In an effort to stall Amy offers to do some stand up, which might not have been the best idea. She was funny, me and my friend who came with me were laughing, but everyone else not so much. There were definitely others who weren't so amused. The crowd was rough, they had some weird loud almost hecklers. Then some woman named Michelle Balan showed up and literally grabbed the mic right out of her hand. She seemed to be enjoying the complimentary beverages. She was funny, but definitely line stepping on some of the jokes. She said something to Gloria (I can't remember it now), but Gloria looked too through.
The movie was hilarious and definitely better in the extended version. Daniel Leary was so funny. I loved his bit about how he was an extra in a Kelly Clarkson video, he was supposed to be a manly football player taping his hands, but when the video was complete he looked like he was giving himself a manicure. I just looked up the video and he's right. See for yourself, he's the white football player leaning against the locker at 2:09
All in all a great night and I'll definitely be getting the DVD when it comes out.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
So has it sunk in yet? We have a Black president! It's crazy, I really didn't think he would win and here we are. I'm so excited and now completely obsessed with the Obamas. You know how some people in the UK are all obsessed with the royal family that's me with the Obamas now. I actually care about all the ridiculous mundane facts about them. Its fun to be so invested in the people that are running our country. I've never been this excited about the future of our country before.
Also all my After Ellen peeps, how surprised are you that Karman and Bridget are married?! I watch Brunch with Bridget faithfully and to find out she's married to Karman is just great and they make such a cute couple too.
Also Katt Williams has a new dvd out and I've only gotten halfway through it, but its soo funny. Here's a cartoon of one part of his routine.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
I know you probably had 10 million blogposts about the election but its exciting. So I came back from Brooklyn today to Connecticut to vote. I got up at 7am with my mom, sister and mom's boyfriend. We waited for about 30 minutes, so the wait wasn't too bad. My best friend waited for 2 hours in the Bronx, but she said it was worth it and is excited. I'm so excited and nervous, because everything looks good and Barack should win, but we all know that when it comes to POC what should happen rarely does. So I'm nervous, but hopeful. What was your voting experience like?
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thank you Audre
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Clearly everybody has heard about the Jennifer Hudson's tragedy this past weekend. Now this news has really touched me, I feel so bad for her. As you all may know, I am in love with Jennifer Hudson. I think she's cool, beautiful, intelligent and genuine, so I clearly support everything she does. I just was listening to her album, which I highly recommend, and you can tell how much of herself she pours into all of her songs, and to her so much of her voice come through. I feel for her and her family even more. Its bad enough to lose your mother, brother and nephew, but to lose them all at once and in this horrible way is just devastating. I was talking to my best friend about her this past weekend and we both agreed that we feel like we knew her. I find myself wanting do something. I just don't understand how you just take someone else's life so carelessly and especially a child. Whoever did this is going to pay for it and not necessarily here in this lifetime.
I just hope that she finds comfort in this rough time
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
He gets his hair texture from his mom and the volume from my brother. My sis in law told me how she was afraid to say that she liked her hair when she was younger because people would assume it was because of the texture. I don't deny that there are still plenty of color struck people out there and unfortunately a lot of Black people suffer for it. But, is it really necessary to place this all on a baby. Also what bothers me is that many people complementing his hair and skin don't have that in common with him, so I always want to ask them what are you saying about yourself? This self hate runs so deep its sickening. My nephew is beautiful and sure his hair and skin play their part because they're connected to him, but they do not make him any better or worst, and I know for damn sure he won't be continuing this vicious cycle.
We are on the cusp of a major breakthrough in American history in possible electing a Black President, but unfortunately this will have little effect on the way we view ourselves. Will Obama's biracial heritage place him above us without that same heritage? What if Michelle, Malia and Sasha were all rocking natural hair styles? What if Obama was closer to Djimon Honsu than Will Smith? These are all things to consider and hopefully it will all end son, but I'm not oppormistic
The problem is that I tend to be very introverted at times and occasionally I get a little burst of extroversion. But, in general I'm very shy. So when I go to events and see a beautiful woman, I can't say anything. I know a lot of Queer folks hit up the clubs, but I'm not the best dancer and become very uncomfortable, unless I'm a little tipsy and meeting someone while drunk really doesn't give off the best first impression. So come on people how do you do it? I just updated my downelink profile, which I'm not too thrilled about because I hate downelink sometimes. There are too many young kids trying to get laid. I'm reaching desperation levels here, now. I jut want to meet a nice girl, it doesn't even have to be romantic I just need some gay friends. so PLEASE HELP!!!
Monday, September 29, 2008
Anyway in some good news I was walking down the street in BK and I saw Olive and Hanifah from U People and nearly lost myself I was so excited. Unfortunately me and my star struckness prevented me from saying hi. But it was still very exciting.
I feel like during this unintentional hiatus I've had so much that I wanted to post about, but now that I'm actually deciding to post, I'm coming up blank. Anyway, I was depressed which is why I was away but now I'm working on reclaiming my life so I'm gonna try and post more regularly.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
What's really horrible are all the comments under this picture. Some of the worst are
picho Mon, Jul 21, 2008 at 08:18 PM EST
I only watched the Reno movie because I saw her in a swimsuit in the trailer....I was completely erect whenever she was onscreen!! She has a fine-ass body!!
Like I said I get it, you need to make money, but was it really necessary to do it at the detriment to all Black women? I saw a picture of her and her daughter and it was a very nice and sweet picture, but when her daughter is grown and some ignorant ass comes up to her and says some slick shit about her butt, or some dumb white girl comes up to her and says hey girlfriend. Will Niecy Nash feel at all culpable in perpetuating this image of Black women?
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
I was on facebook the other day when I notice that this girl I went to Trinidad with got the exact same tattoo as me, but instead of it on her wrist its on her neck. Now this was no coincidence, she did not just happen upon the same design as me. I posted the picture of my tattoo shortly after I got it and this girl wrote on my wall ooh I want that tattoo. I commented back hehe thanks, and that was it in my mind. Now 7 months later she posts pictures of the exact same tattoo that I have. Now I don't have a common tattoo, I'm sure that there are people in the world with my tattoo, but I think its just tacky to copy the exact same tattoo that someone you know has. I'm so mad, I took time and researched and thought about this and its very personal to me. Now I don't doubt that she appreciates the meaning but this girl doesn't have a track record of being very thoughtful with tattoos. She has a rosary on her foot, mind you she's not catholic and doesn't even believe in God. She has a Sanskrit tattoo on her back that doesn't even mean what she thought. I know this may sound petty but I'm just so mad that she blatantly copied my tattoo.
Friday, August 15, 2008
First AfterEllen hipped me to face your manga so now I can finally reveal a complete head shot for you all to see. Here is the real me lol
Then I have a new blog crush Post homo nuyorican homo. Please go and check her out, I may have to stalk *cough* I mean read her blog a whole lot lol! My love affair began when I read her post that was cross posted on racialicious about the new movie bitch slap, and then has only grown through her coverage of America Ferrera's eye roll, which you have to see for yourself.
and I also loved her post trans representation on TV. So my blog crush is official and you should go and crush.. err I mean enjoy her blog too.
and then finally I've given in, I can no longer resist anymore all the pressure anymore I finally did it. I walked into Barnes and Noble and walked around the kids section, but I didn't see it. So I walked upstairs and still couldn't find it so I had to do it I had to ask the information clerk, I had to say "Uhmmm excuse me, Where are the....... Harry Potter books?" It killed me to actually have to verbalize that I intended to buy a Harry Potter book. I tried to make up for it by buying another novel, that wasn't in the kids section so I bought Babyji by Abha Dawesar. I read it in one day, it was really good, I highly suggest you buy it. So now I'm reading the first Harry Potter and it isn't horrible lol. I'm so ashamed lol
oh and random hot athlete pic in honor of the Olympics. I introduce to you Natasha Kai, oh and she's Queer! I love a woman with tattoos!!
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Its very rare for people of color to be major contenders in swimming and then Cullen Jones makes the Olympic team. The best part is that we won! smashed a world record and beat the French who were talking trash *cough* I mean we won and beat the highly favored French (that sounds less aggressive right?). Anyway I was so excited and into this race. Cullen Jones is only the 2nd African American to win Gold in the Olympics and mind you the first was Anthony Ervin in 2000. Believe it or not Ervin is Black, Native American and Jewish, Black comes in all different colors.
Cullen is also the third Black swimmer to make the Olympic team, Anthony Ervin was the first followed by Maritza Correia.
Maritza Correia is the first Black Puerto Rican to make the team, which is also great, because I've noticed that even in Countries with large populations of POC you only see the white members, like Australia and South Africa.
Okay if it wasn't enough that these three are making moves in the swimming world, but Maritza and Cullen are also dating! How great is that?! Cullen and Maritza are also committed to helping out the community. They're working on a documentary about Black swimmers called parting the waters. Read more here
I'm excited that he won the gold but unfortunately that was his only race for this Olympics.
So I'm a little excited if you couldn't tell lol. So am I the only one watching? Which are your favorite events?
Sunday, August 03, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
This is sort of a follow up to my last post. Yesterday I reconnected with one of my friends from undergrad, we'll call her C. We weren't really close, but we were definitely friends. I definitely think that we weren't closer friends because she made me very uncomfortable, because she was so comfortable with being a lesbian and I was so not. Well yesterday we finally caught up on AIM. I haven't come out to her because I really don't know why, I was afraid that she'd hold up some gay measuring stick and mark me as a clear fail. I think this is due in part to a real experience I had with this girl. She was bi and I was excited and was like oh cool another Black Queer woman and when she found out that I was a virgin. She said that I couldn't really be sure since I've never been with a man or woman sexually. She even went so far as to tell me to stop calling myself a lesbian. Unfortunately I was really drunk during the last statement so it registered a little late for me to get pissed. Anyway I was talking to C and I got a huge amount of anxiety about coming out to her, and then I finally just did it and she was completely cool and amazing of course. It really got me wondering why I was so afraid in the first place. It felt so good to talk to another Black lesbian about coming out and everything and she really just get it. She moved to my state recently and offered to be my gay club buddy. So that made me really happy.
Despite my excitement about a great coming out experience it reminds me of my friend who I've subsequently fallen out of touch with because of her inability to accept me as I am. I'm still grieving the loss of our friendship and that friend. I feel like I should be over it since its been a while, but it still hurts when I think about where we are now. What really pisses me off is that she was able to talk with C about her being a Black lesbian and all the various labels, but with me she can't. It just reminds of how funny friendships are, all of my friends except her have been amazing and supportive, so I guess that says a lot about the nature of our friendship. We went on spring break together our senior year and a couple weeks ago she texts me and says that she was looking at the pictures and remembering the great time we had and then she ends the text with love you guys. I really wanted to respond and say who does she love? Not the real me, but the conservative Christian me, waiting to find a good man, and denying a part of herself. I just left it alone, and I'm just going to focus on my supportive friends like C. Coming out really shows you who your real friends are.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
So now its been 2 years and I'm reflecting on everything and I feel like I should be at a different point than I am, I feel like I'm sort of beginning again. So let me back track a little bit, I count my official coming out as July 10, 2006 because that is when I first told my best friend and she was the first person who actually knows me in real life to know. At that time I just graduated from undergrad and was about to start my graduate program and move to a random ass southern city. At the time I was really looking forward to getting out of my home state of CT and from a lot of the people I knew because them knowing me was suffocating. Everyone had this perception of who I was, the good little Christian girl who did not curse, think about sex let alone have a sexuality, drink or do anything worldly ( you should have seen the uproar my first tattoo caused). That was just too much so I figured a change of scenery would be good. In hindsight I think that was the wrong decision. I left an area where I had someone who was showing me around all the Queer areas and guiding me to go to an area where I knew no one. When I left my hometown I was still in a place of trying to be what a lesbian was supposed to be like, which led me to do a lot of compromising. In my program I was the only Queer person there, and had to carry the weight of a whole community I still didn't fully understand. My program was very hostile and these past 2 years have been some of the hardest I've ever had to deal with. There were some nice moments while I was away but in general I was completely miserable, and this consequently sent me into a nice depression that I'm still working on emerging from.
I realized that when you're coming out you really need someone there to lead you along, show you the community, let you know you're not a freak and really be that shoulder. I definitely wouldn't have made it had it not been for my hetero friends, but your hetero friends can be very supportive ultimately I think you need another Queer person there. Because unless you've gone through this process you have no idea what it's like, and you can't ever fully relate. So I didn't have the gay guru when I was in grad school so I've been fumbling my way through this whole process and now that I'm home and confronting everything that I was running from before I feel like I'm back at square 1. However, being in such a hostile environment has given me more assurance in my identity and I'm definitely not going through the whole I don't know why the fuck I feel this way thing anymore. I know I'm a lesbian and I'm completely happy with it, its just that now I have to deal with this whole outside world, which is the annoying part. I'm searching for a community here either in CT or in NYC. I'm learning to deal with being the gay kid in my family and feeling like I fit, but not really because I'm not like everyone else. These are all things that I think I would have been farther along if I had not moved. Now I'm having to come out ot people who I'm not close with, and others that I hadn't said anything to, like my only Black Lesbian friend in College. Oddly its slightly harder to come out to Queer folks who knew me when I was a Super Christian.
Anyway so here I am 2 years out, and still learning, still growing and if there was any doubt to me being a Lesbian this long ass processing post should be evidence lol.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
My mom is so excited because she has another vegetarian in the house, even if he is only 10 months old. So I'm on baby duty pretty much, but I don't mind, he's just that cute. Right now as I'm sitting here he is knocked out on my bed. I was gonna let him stay in my bed, just so I don't have to wake him to move him, but he may be small but he can hog a bed. But, the main point of this post is looking at him and my Godson, I just wonder how could anyone ever hurt a child? I know all babies aren't as easy going, but how can you look down at that little person and want to seriously cause them harm?
Look at my beautiful nephew in the car with his cool shades on
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Even though Karla Mosley was stunning, I have fallen completely in love with Lenelle Moise, seriously COMPLETELY in love with her. I love a strong intelligent beautiful woman, and Lenelle Moise is all that and more. She not only starred in the play but she also wrote and composed it. I was lucky enough to get a front row center seat for the play and at one point she glanced down and her eyes were piercing. I saw all the passion and emotion she brought to this role. I went on the night where there was a talk back session about Black Queer protagonists and when she came back out she literally took my breath away she was so stunning. I sat there and just soaked up everything she said. Afterward I shook her hand and I got a picture taken with her, but I get so star struck I couldn't say all I wanted to. I wanted to tell her how much this play touched me, even now its hard to describe. I've been really going through a rough time lately and battling some serious bouts depression, and seeing me reflected back not only in the play but in the wonderful example of a strong beautiful Black Queer woman that is Lenelle Moise, really made me feel so much better. She was so nice when I spoke to her briefly and incoherently (damn my starkstruckness!) I was so nervous I forgot to introduce myself and she asked my name and when she asked I was like why would you even care who I am. But, she is that down earth not just putting up with annoying fans. If stalking wasn't annoying, creepy, illegal and a real turn off I would so stalk her lol! If anyone is in the NYC area and wants to go, but doesn't want to go alone I will go with you, because if I bring its less stalkerish....right? lol
But in all seriousness she was able to put together such a beautiful piece of art that didn't just entertain me, but it touched me. Lenelle and Sharon Bridgeforth were talking about the importance of making positive life choices and choosing to be healthy, and I needed to hear that.
After going to this play I felt the way I do when I go to a U People event, I felt at home.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Yeah so I thought it would be a great idea to post while I was drunk and at the club from my phone. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea, that last drink DEFINITELY wasn't a good idea as I found out on Sunday, but hey I'm all about being young and irresponsible for a while. However, I don't think I'll be drinking like that for a while, hangovers are not fun at all.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
So I just discovered the wonderfulness that is Adele!
The UK is really doing there thing, Amy Winehouse, Leona Lewis and now Adele. As much as I love Amy Winehouse I think Adele might be gaining on her in my heart. Adele isn't completely strung out on drugs, doesn't have any racist videos circulating, she's beautiful, she's plus sized and can sing her ass off. I love when she was asked about losing weight she said she would lose weight when it began to interfere with her sex life!
So some of my favorite songs from her album are
Her big single Chasing Pavements
Right as Rain
Daydreamer, which is not only beautiful, but also written about her bisexual boyfriend who left her for a man. What I love is that it doesn't go the previous routes of bisexual men in r&b songs. Examples A & B. But enjoy a beautiful song
and hands down my favorite song on the whole album Melt my heart to stone.
Thanks again to the wonderful people at U People, I've again discovered another great artist Joy Denalane. The June mix by DJ Lunaceptive features a song by her not on her album called Torch of Freedom which is amazing! So I did research and absolutely love her whole album. She's talented, beautiful, and conscious. What more can you ask for?!
My favorites are
Heaven or Hell
Stranger in this land
and Sometimes Love
She's German, and I wish I knew German because she sounds great. Here's a song of hers in German called Sag´s Mir.
I have no idea what she said but didn't it sound great?
She also represents for her South African roots in the song Soweto '76-'06. There's an English version on her Album Born and Raised, but here's the video from the German version but with subtitles.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
and this is her now
All I can say is DAMN she's beautiful! I may just have to invite her into my circle of Love. What is my circle of love you may ask? well its just the nice arrangement my many wives and I have, that allows us to all get along wonderfully.
Anyways more pictures of Jurnee is definitely required.
* now the pin up pic may not be the most progressive, but you can't deny how beautiful she looks*
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Now I know she's only 16 but people shouldn't assume she doesn't know what she's in for. This white male nurse comes in and talks to her like she's an idiot then he asks if she remembers the doctor that's going to induce her. He proceeds to describe her as "a Black girl". I was too through, but I tried to be calm for my cousin, but I was too aggravated. So now I'm waiting with my family for our newest member to arrive. Trying not to kill any one
Friday, June 27, 2008
My little cousin was due on tuesday so she's now 3 days over due and so ready for this baby to be born. I've gone to 2 appointments and seen her get a sonogram and hear the baby's heartbeat. It was pretty cool I was dancing to the heartbeat. I find it hard to believe that she's going to be a mother soon. She's only 16 but ready or not she's gonna be a mommy. The father has skipped out of the picture, he pops in every now and then but is nowhere near as involved as he claimed he was going to be. But, she's handling it well, she's gonna be a good mom. I going to be in the room when she delivers and I'm not sure how I feel about that, I don't really want to see all of that. I saw a video when I was in the 7th grade and it seriously made me want to reconsider having children, and now I'm at a point in my life where I'm not sure I want to have kids. I really like kids, but I'm definitely not in a place where I feel like I want to be responsible for another person, someone who is really depending on me for everything... that's scary. Anyway I'm slowly emerging from my family seclusion and should be posting more soon.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
My department tries to appear as if they're open and accepting towards non heterosexuals but they're not. I've had to fight just to pursue my research interest and when I produce this research I've had to work 10 times harder than anyone else to show that it is legitimate research. I've had to be the lone voice arguing against heterosexist scholars that we read, but I've also had to deal with harassment because at the time of my entry I was the only out person in the department. To my knowledge in the 5 years that the graduate program has existed I was the first openly queer student. The lack of Queer people in this department has made the faculty complacent in ignoring all issues regarding sexuality. So when it comes time for me to write my thesis and I want to investigate Black Butch Lesbians all I get is resistance. The chair who reluctantly agreed to chair my thesis knows nothing about gender theory, so I've received no critiques of my argument. She's been completely hostile and disorganized the entire time that I've been writing this damned thesis. I've had to listen to her berate me and my work while she's barely read any of it. But did I complain? No. Why? Because I wanted to support my black people and didn't want to cause a commotion, but I'm done with that. I'm tired of being silent because I didn't want to cause problems for Black people who could care less about me, which was evident by the way they treat me. I wish this was the first time that I've had to deal with shit like this, but no I've had to put up with this same shit from my cohort and an entire conference on Black Studies. A friend of mine presented on how a lot of Black women and Black Queer people have left Black studies to do their research in other departments because Black Studies is so hostile. I am about to join the rest of them because I'm tired, I don't think I can take the abuse anymore. I'm tired of being tokenized or ignored in the discipline that is supposed to represent me. I know women's studies can be just as hostile towards women of color - as evidenced by the whole Andrea Smith debacle- but I'm tired. It seems that while women's studies has a tendency to be very white it seems like they at least try to be more inclusive, while Black studies could care less. When I go to reapply to PhD programs at this point the only Black Studies PhD program I'll be applying to is Northwestern because they have a real demonstrated commitment to Queer people and doing research outside of the heteronormative box. So I'm done, I'm tired and I'm pissed! And when I'm finally done with this thesis process I'm complaining to the dean, because this can not continue.
Monday, June 09, 2008
Fortunately I didn't have to wait long to be seen only about 30 mins. I don't know why when I have a broken to does everyone decide they want to walk me all over the damn hospital, but I have to walk to the most out of the way area. They check me out take me to get an X ray and this ass of an x ray tech needs to get a side view of my toe, so he needs to put a tongue depresser to push my toe up. At first he was gentle, and then for some reason he forgets he's xraying my toe because its most likely broken. This mother fucker starts wiggling my broken toe around like its a fucking piece of clay. I'm clutching the damn x ray table in an effort to not clutch his throat. Can someone please explain why he needed a little led vest while he was holding the tongue depresser from hell and I didn't get one. Anyway I finally get back to the exam room and they confirm my toe is broken and then they tell me that I get to have a fucking munster shoe and crutches. Then the nurse comes to figure out what size for this damn shoe and he feels the need to comment on how big my feet are, because that was fucking necessary! His ignorant country ass had the nerve to say woo doggie, that's a big foot. Who says shit like that! I'm finally free from this damn hospital, and I call the cab again. Now this cab couldn't come to the entrance I told them, no he had to park down a huge fucking slope, do you know how hard it is to manage crutches down a slope? So this is how I spent my wonderful saturday, now I feel trapped in my house. Because, walking too much hurts my toe, but I can't manage these damn crutches. So how was your weekend?
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Her words completely have me held captive. It all started out when I suggested that my friend read some of her works, for a summer read. She didn't start with the suggested Kindred, but instead went straight to Dawn. She was so into it that I had to pick it up. I was lucky enough to find the whole series neatly packaged in Lilith's Brood. I really liked Dawn, I liked Adulthood Rites but it turned out to be a little intense at times, but I devoured Imago. That was by far my favorite.
I already had Parable of the Sower and Fledgling in my house but hadn't gotten to them yet. But, after falling in love with the Xenogenesis trilogy I went and bought all the Octavia Butler I could find. I bought the Wild Seed and The parable of the Talents. After finishing Lilith's Brood/ Xenogenesis trilogy I dove into the Parable of the Sower and OH MY GOD! I can't put it down. I have to literally pull myself away from it, but its so hard I'm so completely enthralled by her words.
She's such an amazing writer! Its a shame she's passed on and once I finish her works there will be no more new ones. I've purposefully not told you anything about these books, because if you haven't read them then this is the best way to begin, without knowing any background. So don't walk but run and pick up everything she's written and sit back and enjoy. Also don't read the back of the book, which I know is only going to tempt you, but the back of Parable of the Sower gives away something you don't find out until halfway through the book.
Word on the street is that she was also a Lesbian, which from this picture, doesn't surprise me.
Yes I'm being stereotypical, but you know you were thinking it too!
I can't pull myself away from the Parable of the Sower any longer, so I'm going back to finish it.
Monday, June 02, 2008
I'm not feeling Tina Fey as #1 especially after her whole bitch is the new black bull shit. I also don't find her hot, but clearly a lot of other people do. However, Sara Ramirez made a big jump to #8 which is amazing and completely deserved. I was shocked that America Ferrera wasn't on the list this year.
So here are some of the women I voted for:
“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.” ~Audre Lorde