blogging and life

Quarterlife Queer and Evolving Contradiction both wrote posts about blogging and their intentions in blogging. I've been in a similar place I've been trying to post over and over again, about my surgery and where I'm at. I'm very much in the same place as Evolving, I find it easier to tell strangers things here than people in my everyday life. This is my place to get it all out.

But, I just can't seem to get the words out. The surgery went fine, I'm fine, I healed and lost 15lbs. But, despite all of that it was one of the most traumatic events of my life. It just pushed a lot of my buttons and really put me in an uncomfortable place. But, beyond this I can't just describe this situation enough. Now I'm in the process of processing the whole event and the issues that it brought up in me. Today my therapist said something that I found so astonishing. She said that I don't have to live the way I am. She said that I don't have to live in a world where I'm just biding my time in between crises. She said that I don't have to be happy and then sad, that there's something else... Maybe that's the first step envisioning a life, not of fame or fortune, but of health. So I have a lot of issues and most days I'm not sure if I'm coming or going, but I'm gonna believe that eventually I'll reach this magical place that my therapist mentioned, I'll call it stability.

Scars

I have a lot of scars all over my legs. They're not as bad as they used to be, but they're still there and still very present. See I'm allergic to bug bites and after they blister they leave nice scars on my legs. Which would be annoying but not that big of a deal for most people. However, as the dermatologist told me when I was younger I have slow healing skin apparently which means mine stick around for an extra long time. It really is wonderful :side eye: Anyway the point is that I have scars all over my legs and I've always been very aware of them because people don't like to let me forget them. I remember being younger and both children and adults would ask what happened to my legs (like that's ever an appropriate question), and for some reason I would always try to explain. It's really ridiculous when you think about why I should dignify these rude motherfuckers with an answer about my skin, just because they're nosey. Why should I allow them in to my private life and explain about my skin when they really could care less about me. But, I always answered always. I would explain they were just mosquito bites, and then I'd have to deal with their continued ignorant comments about damn how many mosquitoes bit you? See because bites that were years old looked the same as bites that were only a few months.

Eventually I began to wear pants all the time, which really dealt with the issue because people could no longer see my scars so I didn't have to deal with the questions. However, I was a lifeguard so whenever I went to work I'd have to deal with the questions again, but I'd always answer and deal with the humiliation again. Fortunately eventually they did begin to lighten and they are nowhere near as bad as they used to be. But they're still there, but I no longer cover them up. I no longer hide them because I don't want to be hot and uncomfortable when it's hot. However, I’m always aware of them.

Then this New years eve as I was trying to clean up my house and get the everything in order for the new year I cut my leg on my hamper and now I have a new scar, a nice long one on my calf. I was pissed when I got it, because I know it's going to stick around for a while. Every now and then when I'm lotioning up and I look at it I get pissed again, because there it is just staring at me, mocking me and my formerly improving legs. I stare at it and I resent it and all the other scars that didn't dare heal any faster, and I'm pissed that I was making so much progress but now this one fucking scar is going to stick around. But, it'll be ok I tell myself. It's just one scar of many and it won't stop you from living your life, but it's still another scar and I'll always remember it's there. It showed up when I was trying to get my life together and now I'm stuck with it.

I don't really know why I decided to share the story of my scars, but I guess I'm trying to move from being scarred to having scars.

Window seat

I love Erykah Badu's Window seat. The video is cool, but I think the song is so much more than the video of her gettin' butt naked in Dallas. I feel this song so deeply it's ridiculous. That's why I didn't post the video, it's better to not get distracted by the video. So listen and read a long with the words. Amazing!




Window Seat - Erykah Badu
So, presently i’m standing
Here right now
You’re so demanding
Tell me what u want from me
Concluding
Concentrating on my music , lover , and my babies
Makes me wanna ask the lady for a ticket outta town…
So can I get a window seat
Don’t want nobody next to me
I just want a ticket outta town
A look around
And a safe touch down
Window seat
Don’t want nobody next to me
I just want a chance to fly
A chance to cry
And a long bye bye..
But I need u to want me
Need you to miss me
I need your attention
I need you next me
I need someone to clap for me
I need your direction
Somebody say come back
Come back baby come back
I want u to need me
Come back come back baby come back
Come back come back baby come back
Come back come back baby come back
So, in my mind i’m tusslin’
Back and forth ‘tween here and hustlin’
I don’t wanna time travel no mo
I wanna be here
I’m thinking
On this porch i’m rockin’
Back and forth light lightning hopkins
If anybody speak to scotty
Tell him beam me up..
So can I get a window seat
Don’t want nobody next to me
I just want a ticket outta town
A look around
And a safe touch down
Window seat
Don’t want nobody next to me
I just want a chance to fly
A chance to cry
And a long bye bye..
But I need you to miss me
Need somebody come get me
Need your attention
Need your energy yes I do
Need someone to clap for me
Need your affection
Somebody say come back
Come back baby come back
I want u to need me
Come back come back baby come back
Come back come back baby come back
Come back come back baby come back
But can I get a window seat
Don’t want nobody next to me
I just want a ticket outta town
A look around
And a safe touch down…
I just need a chance to fly
A chance to cry
And a long
Bye bye..

Questions on my mind

Random late night questions:
It's damn near 1:30am and these are some of the questions keeping me up right now. I just figured if I got them out of my system maybe the answers would become clear.

• How do you feel safe doing everyday average things, when that safety has been violated?
• Do you ever feel safe letting someone you care about out of your sight after they've been hurt?
  
• When you feel pain so deeply because of someone else's trauma how do you keep it inside so you don't pull them back down with you?
• Is it ever going to be safe to be a woman in this world?

Bad Videos

So I currently have no job, but it looks like that might possibly be changing (I have an interview on Wednesday!) So I stay up late and I watch a lot of vh1 soul, and on this one night I happened to catch this episode of soul school where they played only old videos and can I say WOW there were some pretty bad videos. Here's a sampling

Let's start out with Sheena Easton "The Lover in me"

She already can't dance, but she also has the weirdest expression throughout the whole video which I can only guess is the sexy face. Oh you can't forget the random girl pour water all over herself. She's wet, you get it ::Black girl Eye roll::


Then we have the Whispers "Keep on Lovin' me"



Which is more like your dad and uncles strolling around.... I really love it lol



But the creme de la creme of bad videos has to be "Ice Cream Castles" by the Time
Not only is the video bad, but the song is just as horrible. My favorite line "You are white, I am of color" sung by the Pimp lead singer to the white girls bopping around in the background. Don't forget the white girls playing patty cake in matching outfits. I wasn't sure if this was the time or Flash and the Ebony Sparks.

Pain

So I've been thinking a lot about pain. Pain is supposed to be a warning sign. Generally if you're experiencing some sort of pain, something is wrong. However, I find that a lot of us have been conditioned to ignore these warning signs and ignore pain. But, what are the other ways that pain functions in our lives and do we all feel the same way about it. I know particularly people involved in bdsm have a different relationship with pain. So I'm opening up this to you all. How do you handle pain? What is your relationship with it. Personally I tend to fall into the category of ignoring my pain. When I'm intense emotional pain I tend to withdraw completely and when I'm in physical pain depending on the level I may snap at others but eventually the result is the same. I might tell someone when I'm in physical pain, I tend to deal with that better than emotional pain. I almost never tell anyone when I'm in emotional pain. I lock it up and then deal with it in little bits and pieces. So what about you?

Stay tuned

I have a lot I want to say, and post here. But despite how semi anonymous this space is. It still requires a level of vulnerability. I'm not ready for,but this need to share some of my writing is very strong. So don't think that I've abandoned this blog, I'm just still trying to find that balance. So stay tuned...

My greatest addiction

My name is Journey Woman and I'm a book addict.


The before... which is not even all of my books.



The After

bookshelf 1


Bookshelf 2

life

Dear Life,
You suck sometimes.

Sincerely,
Journey Woman

From Staceyann Chin

PLEASE POST ON YOUR BLOGS, SITES, LISTS etc. Help us reach the folks we need.

Many of you have already heard about our film, Baby Makes me. For you, this is an update. But for the folks who have not heard Tiona and I are making a documentary together.

For years, I have wanted to become a mother. But the timing has never been quite right. Either my partners weren’t ready, or I was scared, or I couldn’t find a donor or something. There was always something. By the time I rolled into 35, I was tired of being afraid, tired of waiting for the right woman with whom it would be the right time, tired of watching every Christmas roll over another Birthday, tired of watching my peers get knocked up and months later appear with the most amazing little bundle of potential—I was tired of waiting and ready to make the leap, and I was ready to make it alone.

I began the research with great heart—only to discover that there were little no resources for women who either wanted to, or had to embark on the journey of motherhood in the solo. There were one or two essays and a few books on artificial insemination, and some were even directed at lesbians—but most, if not all assumed that the mother would be operating from inside of a partnership, be that partnership heterosexual or homosexual.

The idea for the film came out of a conversation with Tiona to film the pregnancy/labor, assuming that there would be one—because no one, least of all me, knows if my body will cooperate in doing such a thing as conceiving. I envisioned Tiona asking a couple of heartfelt questions and spinning the light to create a high-end home-movie I could show my child at eighteen. She agreed and we began to flesh out some ideas. That conversation, coupled with the lack of resource material out there spurred the project now known as Baby Makes Me.

Baby Makes Me, a feature-length documentary, will explore the challenges and triumphs of Single Motherhood, particularly in the lives of women of color, lesbians and women who make a conscious choice to be mothers in the absence of intimate/romantic partnerships with men.

The film will use as its narrative skeleton, the journey of activist/writer/performer, Staceyann Chin, as she navigates her personal choices with reference to motherhood. Author of the memoir, The Other Side of Paradise, Chin now brings her talents to the medium of film as writer and Executive Producer.

The Director, Tiona McClodden, is a champion of promoting positive images of women in media. Her last film, “Black./womyn.:conversations…”, garnered much respect in both accolades and awards. She now brings her attention to the issue of women and motherhood.

It is our intent to interview a series of women from all the demographic cross-sections. Issues of financial, ethical, medical, cultural, and political relevance will be fore-grounded. We hope that clinics, hospitals, families, children of Black lesbians, straight Black women who want children, mothers of gay women who lament the loss of grandchildren when they discover their daughters are gay, and anybody who seeks to have a clearer picture of the family that includes gay women will see that our lives go on, that women who are single, be they lesbian, or Black or poor, can and do have babies, and that we are simply another group of people who live and laugh and grow. We hope to paint the subjects in the film as human and likable characters who, though they are dealing with slightly different challenges than the women we traditionally see as mothers, are not very different from any other group of people considering parenthood.

We are going to need all the help we can get. We need help in reaching out to folks who would like to be interviewed; other single mothers, women who have been inseminated, women who are thinking about it, women who work in the medical field, women who work in the administrative world of policy etc. We are on the hunt for the all the voices that could represent our story in the film.

We have recently been awarded a grant from ASTREA Lesbian Foundation for Justice and are set to move forward. We write to you now, in the hope that you will want to be involved in this groundbreaking project in whatever capacity you choose: we need space to host fundraisers and screening and other events connected to the film. We need people to fundraise, to promote the film, to host community talks, to suggest topics for discussion in the film—we need to secure additional investors, we need the help of people who are experts in the business of making films, and we need the counter-perspective of people who have never made a film. We are hoping to make this a community effort; from start to finish we want the ideas to be representative of the various factions in our diverse village of the women who mother our children. If you are sure you are unable to do any of the above, we only ask that you make room for our fliers, questionnaires, invitations, and other promotional materials for the film.

We would be honored if you would join us as we attempt to break more ceilings, level more walls to make room those of us who are too frequently left out of the history and imagination of the world we live in. We look forward to a spirited journey with you, from the opening shot to the ending credits—complete with your name listed among the most stalwart of our supporters.

Thanks again to the women who have already offered assistance. We look forward to your being a part of our process.

Staceyann Chin
Executive Producer/Writer, “Baby Makes Me”
Tiona McClodden
Director/Producer, “Baby Makes Me”

Please send all inquiries and requests to: babymakesme@gmail.com

*I love Staceyann Chin! Is it bad I considered having a baby so I could meet her? Yeah, you're right, too much lol*

Crazy

I'm just feeling this song, right now.








I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place.
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Possibly [radio version]
probably [album version]

And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that's my only advice

Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,
Ha ha ha bless your soul
You really think you're in control

Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably

Uh, uh

I'm Going On

Damn its been almost 2 months since my last post. So sorry my dear blog friends. A lot has been going on with me these past few months, and I'm in the mood to share lol. You're going to have to forgive me, but I can already see that this is setting up to be an extreme stream of consciousness post, so bare with me.

About a month ago, I finally got tired of being miserable and depressed all the time and decided to do something about it. I entered therapy and I have to say that it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Its really helping. I searched for a nice Black Queer therapist and found an amazing one that I really get along with. Because nothing sucks more than going to a therapist that annoys the hell out of you. My therapist is fucking HOT I'm just saying lol. But, I stopped crushing on her about 2 weeks ago lol. Anyway therapy is a completely new experience for me, because I get to go in a room for an hour every week and talk about myself, and its good but also so weird. Its a rare occasion that WOC allow ourselves the time and the space to be vulnerable and feel everything we're feeling. So I go into the little room and I talk and I'm affirmed and its a fuckin' crazy experience. Today as I left therapy I realized that I was feeling lighter than I was when I walked in. I'm happy that I bit the bullet and got some help and you know what I think that I might actually be alright.... some day lol.

Ladies and gentlemen I finally made a Queer friend that lives near me, I know I know Amazing right. I met her at this training for Community Organizers at the Audre Lorde Project (which side note they're amazing!) and we've been chilling and she's great. Its great to be able to talk to someone who just gets a lot of shit you're going through. We're complex people so not everyone is going to get you all the time, but I feel like my Queer side has been a little neglected and I feel like its getting the necessary attention now.

I have so many posts that aren't completed up here on my dashboard, so I've been thinking of posting, but now I'm finally getting to it. Don't worry I'll be lusting more soon to share with you all, but I just needed to write and get this out. I'm remembering more why I started this blog I needed a place where I can get out a lot of the thoughts in my mind, and I've missed this so I'm going to be blogging more. So stay tuned.

Here's Gnarls Barkley's video for Going On, why? Because its a great song, video and listening to them got me to finally complete a post

Gnarls Barkley - Going On
Uploaded by zegonzag

oh p.s. I'm 25 now !!! Watch out now! lol

Monday lust on Wednesday again

Late again, but this week I get my inspiration from Top Chef and no I'm not lusting after Carla, even though she has won over my heart. I'm lusting after the beautiful Padma Lakshmi.

Monday lust

Another Monday lust, I don't know if this is going to be a regular thing, but let's try, even though this is a late monday post but my Monday lust of this week is none other than the beautiful Zoe Saldana.

Monday lust

Because Laura Luna and QQ got me thinking about all these beautiful women I decided to post pictures, of one of the many loves of my life lol Michelle Rodriguez.

Dear Mr. President

With everyone asking Obama some serious questions I want to ask him so random, questions. So here's my list.

1. What would you do if aliens landed on US soil?
2. How do you feel about the name Baracka and Barackaniqua?
3. White, wheat or potato bread?
4. favorite alcoholic beverage?
5. What do you call Michelle when no one's listening?
6. How do you REALLY feel about Dubya?
7. Halle Berry or Sanaa Lathan?
8. Do you eat pork?
9. If you could curse out any political pundit who would it be?
10. who would you go gay for?
    

Gay, straight songs

Have you ever heard a song that was written by a hetero for a hetero audience but it just sounded like a gay song? The first time I heard Amos Lee's in the arms of a woman, I just thought it sounded really gay (in the best way of course). Anyway judge for yourself





Really gay right? Can't you picture a lesbian singing this at Michfest?

My escape

It's 4:30 in the morning, and I'm still up, and I have no good reason why. The truth is that I just finished a book that I just started. It's the fourth book in the Anita Blake series, what can I say I'm hooked. My mother is getting concerned that I like reading so many sci-fi novels. She thinks I'm on my way to becoming a pagan. Now I would like to tell her that I've met many a nice pagan and being pagan is not like what you hear about it, but I figure that wouldn't make her feel any better, so she can just keep on thinking I'm on my way to becoming a witch. A lesbian and a witch, it's a little cliche isn't it? Anyway, what my mom doesn't get is that I'd much rather read a book that centers around something so far out of our everyday reality where the good guys always win, because who wants to be reminded about how shitty this world is all the time. So instead of that I read books about our current time, but the majority of the issues come from the fact that we've got vampires, zombies, ghouls and other supernatural creatures running around, not because George W. Bush has been our president for the past 8 years. These novels are my escape from reality, what's yours?

Late night vanity

I just finished retwisting my hair and I'm feeling hot so I decided to share a pic of my locs. I'm really happy about they're progress.

Angry

So I started this post on my ipod while I was on the train home for thanksgiving. Since my mother and sister have currently pissed me off I decided to add to it and post it.

I'm just angry! Are you ever just so mad that everything pisses you off and you hate everyone. That's how I'm feeling right now. So here's a list of what is currently pissing me off:

My brother's selfishness
Not being able to tell him that he's being selfish
Heteronormativity
Not having a lot of gay friends
Picky homeless beggers
NYC subways
My MA program
Auto correct on my iPod
Not being able to say what I feel
This whole fucking world
My iPod changing fucking to ducking
Loud ass people on the train
Bad kids
Ugly jumpsuits
Rich white men
Racist gay people
All the fucking happy lesbian couples in NYC (yes I'm hating because I'm single)
Being fucking single
Feeling like I don't belong
Hipsters
Not being able to sleep on the train because this douche bag doesn't have his shit together
People getting on the wrong fucking train
Coming home and being treated like a child (new addition)