So simple

So I've been thinking that I want to blog more constructively about my depression. More than just depressed type posts like the last one (which I honestly didn't realize how depressed I sounded til later). I've been talking to a few people about depression this week and in particular the one and only miss Laura Luna and it felt good to get it out and talk about it. She also sent me a link to Kate Bornstein's twitter page where she was live tweeting from a femme conference workshop on dealing with mental illness, and she was preaching let me tell you. I posted this one quote on my tumblr and I feel like I need to read it everyday. She said "If you've got a mental illness and you're still alive, you're doing well." So simple yet so profound.

So I'm going to try and blog more regularly and constructively about my depression and anxiety, and not just wade in it. So something I've been dealing with today is trying to figure out what I'm going to wear tomorrow to go to this free concert in central park. I'm going with my BFF/wife and her new boo, and I think her friend from her hometown. So basically I don't need to impress any of them lol. However, where my depression has taken me in these past 2 years is to a place where getting up and getting dressed requires a lot of energy, dedication to fight all the negative thoughts I throw at myself. When I can't make myself feel good enough to get out or just push through it , I stay home in my comfort zone.

I'm getting better about not hiding away in my room, but I still do that a lot. It's where I feel most comfortable most days. However, this is not good for me. The more I sit in one room and don't leave, the more crazy I feel. It's hard to distinguish between my normal melancholy sometimes and feeling down right crazy. The isolation really lends itself increasing my feelings of self doubt and loathing. So now I force myself to get up and get out. I'm not doing great all the time. I'm about 50/50 at this point, but it's better than only leaving the house to go to therapy. This week I went to the grocery store, the book store and a restaurant. I've got to start my walking again, which was getting me out daily. But, the point is I'm doing better. I'm getting up and doing things with people who I care about and care about me. That is healthy and positive, so when I feel more inclined to go back in my room and hide instead of getting out. I have to remind myself about how great it feels to do it. I remind myself about the other weekend and how refreshed I felt.

Dealing with depression is both simple and very complicated. The things that hold me captive aren't really complex when you get down to examining them. They're very simple, but there are many of them and they affect every area of my life, so that's what makes them complicated. So in order to fight this depression, I have to do simple things like getting out of the house and physically seeing people. So simple but it makes a big difference. So now I'm going to bed and I'm looking forward to a good day around people.

Hope for the future

• One day I will be able to have better control over my emotions.
  
• One day I will be able to express myself clearly and with eloquence.
  
• One day a bad cake and missing container won't send me over the edge.
  
• One day I'll be able to use my emotions to create rather than destroy myself.
  
• One day I'll be really and truly happy.
  

I decided to fight

So I've been in therapy for a while now. I've been trying to get a handle on my life and more importantly this depression that has been damn near crippling me for 2 years. Last thursday night I was having a really bad night. I was filled with tons of self doubt and anxiety. Oddly enough I've also had a therapy assignment to list 7 positive things about myself. One for each day in between therapy sessions, realizing how hard it was for me sort of sent me in to a tail spin of shame and anxiety.

The next day (friday ) I was supposed to go see Bassey Ikpi perform in NYC and then I was going to stay with my BFF/Wife and then go to this play. Nice full weekend, but I felt like doing none of it. I just wanted to stay at home in bed and curl up with a good book. I didn't want to move, think or be bothered with people. Especially when I was feeling so broken and raw. But, I pushed myself. I made myself get up and out of the house despite how I felt, and despite how I felt I looked. I pushed myself despite the overwhelming weight of my depression. And I'm so glad I did. I felt like Bassey was in my bedroom the night before and was witnessing my complete breakdown. It was like her poems were in my head and they touched me so deeply words can not describe. I was also feeling very exposed and anxious about being there by myself. My wife couldn't come with me because she couldn't find a babysitter. Luckily I saw the one person that I knew in real life from twitter dopegirlfresh. She's such an amazing person and so warm and friendly. That I no longer felt alone and devastated. The evening was a hit, and the next day I got to spend it with my adorable godson and my wife, it reminded me that she's my wife and best friend for a reason (not like I could forget) just those few hours in the presence of someone truly safe watching Frida was healing. After that I went out for a peanut butter and jelly doughnut and then caught the last half of Sharon Bridgforth's Blood Pudding. I left feeling better and rejuvenated.

I wanted to keep that feeling, so when all the negative shaming thoughts began to creep back in to my life. I began to change the subject in my internal monologue. I started thinking of better things or just something else to stop the pain I put myself through. And who would have guessed but it's actually been working. I don't feel completely free of what ails me, but it's better. By stopping the shame I'm able to breathe a little bit easier and I've been able to keep some those wonderful positive vibes from this weekend. I'm determined to be happy and I've decided to fight to keep myself feeling better. I've realized that all too often once that first wave of depression hits me, I've tended to lay down and give in. No more I'm going to try and fight to be happy and not struggle so much to do small things. Who knows one day it just may work. I've decided to do the work that's necessary to get better, and that's actually something that I took away from Bassey, I'm going to be committed to getting better, because I can't live like this forever.

It was after this poem that I texted my wife and said "She's trying to kill me." Yeah this poem is just..... yeah

Journey, love, me.

I'm still on a journey, but a much different one than I thought when I started this blog. When I started I thought my journey was about learning how to live my life as a Lesbian. Now I realize that it's just a part of a greater journey to learn how to live a healthy life. A large part of that is learning how to love me, all of me. Every roll, every scar, ever bump, every neurotic habit, Everything. I am by no means there or even close to being there yet, but I'm closer than I was before. I just washed my hair, and I didn't re-twist it because it's the summer time and it doesn't stay twisted for long anyways. So I left my hair alone and now I'm sporting a serious fro. I'm trying to be ok, with my hair not looking right. I'm trying to be ok with me just as I am. I also am trying to accept and care for my body in it's current state. I have a large scar across my abdomen, I'm trying to love my scar, and the rolls it bisects. I'm trying to love my thick thighs and saggy boobs. So I'm gonna keep saying:

I love my scars, inside and out.
I love my rolls.
I love my hair, in whatever state.
I love the gap between my teeth.
I love my skin.
I love me.


I don't believe everything I just wrote, but if I keep saying it then hopefully one day. I'll be able to write/say this and it'll all be true.

Helloooooo 26

As I write this I'm 30 mins away from 26. I was looking over my old posts, to see my bday post from last year and I didn't even post. I was currently deep in a funk. Trying my hardest not to completely fall apart. Well here I am at 26 and things are getting better. I just got back from an amazing weekend with 2 of my favorite people in the world. I was able to be surrounded by truly genuine people who radiated positivity and I'm better for it. So this year, I'm determined to make changes. I'm really going to work on pulling myself out of this hole I've dug, I'm no longer just going to consider climbing out, I'm going to put in the work.

My birthday doesn't really feel special this year, it just seems like another day, nothing for me to be excited. I'm not gonna lie part of this is due to a wave of depression I'm currently fighting, but I'm trying to look beyond myself and my current situation. So I'm not 100% better, but I'm on the mend. I'm feeling better about my life and the decision I've made. I'm not where I want to be, and I'm not yet at the point to say that I'm happy that I am who I am here, but I've done what I have needed to in order to remain relatively sane. So this is how I'm entering 26, fighting off a wave of depression I feel creeping, but I'm still hopeful and positive about where I'm going to go from here. So welcome 26 I'm sure it's going to be a hell of a ride.

Pursuing my dreams

So its very hard to have a dream and actually confess it out loud, because once you give voice to your dream I believe the Universe sits and waits to see what you'll do with it. And this, is where I am now. I have confessed to my two closest friends my revelation of what I ultimately want to do with my life, and now I bring it here. I find I need to say it a few times for it really to sink in. I started off saying in my head. If I could do anything in the world, I would be a writer. Then to my friends I said "I want to be a professional writer". And, now I'm saying I am going to be a writer. That last time was hard, because its true I've moved from the wishing and hoping stage to the open declaration stage and its FUCKING scary. Because the truth of the matter is that I am terrified that I am going to fail, that I'm not good enough. My main concern is my grammar which sucks, as you can tell her. Even though I make no effort to be grammatically correct here. When I start writing something for this blog, I just let my fingers flow over the keyboard and whatever comes out, comes out. I do not proofread because ultimately I probably wouldn't publish anything I write. Anyway back to what I was saying I am going to be a writer. I'm speaking it into being and actually taking steps towards my goal. I'm currently working on several things, that up until now I have been afraid to do. I'm currently working on a novel and a short story. These are some ideas that I have had for a long time, and now I'm ready to commit to them, commit to myself and commit to working to make sure that I'm happy.

I'm nervous for several reasons, the main one is that I've never had any type of training, I've never even taken a creative writing class. I feel almost like a fraud an imposter trying to enter into a circle where people have worked long and hard for years and hear I am saying yes I want to be one of you. But, I realized that I feel better when I write. Even now this free flow of ideas and thoughts feels good, it releases some of the pressure from all the other bull shit I have deal with every day. Tonight I've been feeling very creative and in the zone. I got 3 pages out on my novel and more that were just random notes. So hear goes nothing I'm throwing my hat into the ring let's see how this all turns out.

Me and the Church

I was not raised in the church. I started going to church in my early teens, and at the time it was exactly what I needed. I really go into church and got saved when I was 15 years old. At that time I was dealing with an abusive drug addicted step father that brought chaos with him wherever he went. The church was my sanctuary truly, I would go to church and just feel God there and feel safe. I was committed to reading my bible everyday, praying for every one's salvation and preparing for the rapture. I felt so safe and secure and it really steadied me in a lot of ways. But, with my involvement in Church came a lot of shame about everything about me. I was so ashamed that I lusted after women and didn't after men. I would pray all the time for God to take these evil feelings away from me. I active tried to pursue the man that I felt God had planned on me even when I felt absolutely nothing for them. I felt completely numb around them and I constantly questioned what was wrong with me, but I just didn't see any other options.

While I was in college I was very involved in the evangelical student group and put up with a lot of shit from them because we were all God fearing Christians. But, college also exposed me to all different types of people and the hardest to deal with were the few out and proud Queer people on campus, because they were a constant reminder of the lie that I was living. So during my senior year I struggled greatly with my faith, I was starting to feel disconnected because everything I had learned while in church was that God hated homosexuality, oh he loved homosexuals but hated the evil behavior, and I was terrified. I've been to so many different church services where the preacher preached so vehemently against queer people, did altar calls, calling for queer people to come up and be delivered from their wicked ways. So as I was dealing with my sexuality all of this came back to me just telling me that God didn't love me and I was evil.

Clearly I have come to embrace and accept me, wholly and completely, but I still have issues. I have been to queer churches and I know that the words of a many preachers don't accurately reflect God's word. I'm sure that God still loves me, but it's hard when you're constantly being bombarded by gay hating preachers. I realized at the Kwanzaa celebration church is no longer a safe space for me anymore, and that makes me sad. I miss church I want to go back a lot of times, but I feel like I've grown and changed so much and I'm not sure that I fit anymore. When I was hard in to the church I didn't want to hear about any other faith systems because mine was the only one. But, now I respect so many other faiths and have no problem integrating aspects of them into my own life. I have friends that are pagan and I don't see them burning in a fiery hell. Before in church I was taught that anything that isn't exactly in line with Christianity is the work of the devil. But its hard for me now, because I find myself uncomfortable in some Christian situations, not like before, and it honestly makes me worried sometimes. But, I don't know I just don't feel safe anymore in these situations. I don't feel that unconditional love I used to. I know this has a lot to do with me because not all churches are anti gay and homophobic, but just on the everyday its hard.
So this is where I'm at, and I don't know where I'm going but I just needed to get this out.

All trolls be warned your comments will be deleted. You know who you are.

Friends

This is sort of a follow up to my last post. Yesterday I reconnected with one of my friends from undergrad, we'll call her C. We weren't really close, but we were definitely friends. I definitely think that we weren't closer friends because she made me very uncomfortable, because she was so comfortable with being a lesbian and I was so not. Well yesterday we finally caught up on AIM. I haven't come out to her because I really don't know why, I was afraid that she'd hold up some gay measuring stick and mark me as a clear fail. I think this is due in part to a real experience I had with this girl. She was bi and I was excited and was like oh cool another Black Queer woman and when she found out that I was a virgin. She said that I couldn't really be sure since I've never been with a man or woman sexually. She even went so far as to tell me to stop calling myself a lesbian. Unfortunately I was really drunk during the last statement so it registered a little late for me to get pissed. Anyway I was talking to C and I got a huge amount of anxiety about coming out to her, and then I finally just did it and she was completely cool and amazing of course. It really got me wondering why I was so afraid in the first place. It felt so good to talk to another Black lesbian about coming out and everything and she really just get it. She moved to my state recently and offered to be my gay club buddy. So that made me really happy.

Despite my excitement about a great coming out experience it reminds me of my friend who I've subsequently fallen out of touch with because of her inability to accept me as I am. I'm still grieving the loss of our friendship and that friend. I feel like I should be over it since its been a while, but it still hurts when I think about where we are now. What really pisses me off is that she was able to talk with C about her being a Black lesbian and all the various labels, but with me she can't. It just reminds of how funny friendships are, all of my friends except her have been amazing and supportive, so I guess that says a lot about the nature of our friendship. We went on spring break together our senior year and a couple weeks ago she texts me and says that she was looking at the pictures and remembering the great time we had and then she ends the text with love you guys. I really wanted to respond and say who does she love? Not the real me, but the conservative Christian me, waiting to find a good man, and denying a part of herself. I just left it alone, and I'm just going to focus on my supportive friends like C. Coming out really shows you who your real friends are.

Beware!! Lesbian processing

So I've missed 2 important dates, My bloggeversary and the anniversary of me coming out. I started this blog 2 years ago trying to process "my dilemma" as I was calling it, because I was too afraid to even type the words lesbian or gay. The whole idea of me being gay was terrifying and I felt so very alone. Blogging really helped me find a community which was amazing and really helped me in those early months.

So now its been 2 years and I'm reflecting on everything and I feel like I should be at a different point than I am, I feel like I'm sort of beginning again. So let me back track a little bit, I count my official coming out as July 10, 2006 because that is when I first told my best friend and she was the first person who actually knows me in real life to know. At that time I just graduated from undergrad and was about to start my graduate program and move to a random ass southern city. At the time I was really looking forward to getting out of my home state of CT and from a lot of the people I knew because them knowing me was suffocating. Everyone had this perception of who I was, the good little Christian girl who did not curse, think about sex let alone have a sexuality, drink or do anything worldly ( you should have seen the uproar my first tattoo caused). That was just too much so I figured a change of scenery would be good. In hindsight I think that was the wrong decision. I left an area where I had someone who was showing me around all the Queer areas and guiding me to go to an area where I knew no one. When I left my hometown I was still in a place of trying to be what a lesbian was supposed to be like, which led me to do a lot of compromising. In my program I was the only Queer person there, and had to carry the weight of a whole community I still didn't fully understand. My program was very hostile and these past 2 years have been some of the hardest I've ever had to deal with. There were some nice moments while I was away but in general I was completely miserable, and this consequently sent me into a nice depression that I'm still working on emerging from.

I realized that when you're coming out you really need someone there to lead you along, show you the community, let you know you're not a freak and really be that shoulder. I definitely wouldn't have made it had it not been for my hetero friends, but your hetero friends can be very supportive ultimately I think you need another Queer person there. Because unless you've gone through this process you have no idea what it's like, and you can't ever fully relate. So I didn't have the gay guru when I was in grad school so I've been fumbling my way through this whole process and now that I'm home and confronting everything that I was running from before I feel like I'm back at square 1. However, being in such a hostile environment has given me more assurance in my identity and I'm definitely not going through the whole I don't know why the fuck I feel this way thing anymore. I know I'm a lesbian and I'm completely happy with it, its just that now I have to deal with this whole outside world, which is the annoying part. I'm searching for a community here either in CT or in NYC. I'm learning to deal with being the gay kid in my family and feeling like I fit, but not really because I'm not like everyone else. These are all things that I think I would have been farther along if I had not moved. Now I'm having to come out ot people who I'm not close with, and others that I hadn't said anything to, like my only Black Lesbian friend in College. Oddly its slightly harder to come out to Queer folks who knew me when I was a Super Christian.

Anyway so here I am 2 years out, and still learning, still growing and if there was any doubt to me being a Lesbian this long ass processing post should be evidence lol.

Attraction

So I've been thinking a lot about attraction lately. I used to be really into trying to figgure out my type, and I realized that I don't really have one, but I have started to notice some trends and some oddities. I think I like older women, and I do tend to go for more butch women, but I tend to not like too masculine. There needs to be a nice balance. But lately I've become more aware of what type of person I'm attracted to, and the nature of attraction in general.
A couple of situations have led me to understand my attraction more clearly. A couple of weeks ago I was at a mini conference and there was this woman who I was really attracted to. There was just something about her that I was drawn to and I have no idea what it was. It definitely wasn't her physical appearance, she was the epitome of not my type, whatever it is. But, there was something very appealing about her. There was something about her spirit that really drew me to her. It was definitely internal. I'm also working on my thesis and I'm focusing on Black Butch Lesbians and in order to gain data I've been using a lot of documentaries to bring in experience. So I watched Venus Boyz which wasn't really helpful as a whole except for two women, Dred and Storme Webber, and Storme more so than Dred because she always presents masculine. Anyways Storme again had that something about her, like I said before I tend to not like too masculine, but she was just so appealing. Both of the women that I spoke about before are considerably older than me. I just turned 24 and both of these women are well into their 40's. The woman I met at the conference I would never really try and talk to, but she was still attractive. Now Storme I'd holla with the quickness. She has such a quiet spirit about her, I'm surrounded by so many fake people and she seemed very real and grounded and to have a deeper understanding of everything. Maybe that's what I'm attracted to in older women, that they seem like they just get it.
This brings me to my latest little crush, Dr. G Love. I first saw Dr. G Love on the U People Vlog on After Ellen where they announced that she was going to have her own advice vlog. Last night they posted the first one, but its actually been taken down for some reason. Now Dr. G Love I do find attractive and she also has that grounded personality that I find so appealing. I don't know how much older than me she is, but damn! I was so impressed that I actually had a quite lovely dream about her that I shall be keeping to myself.

So when it comes to my type I'm still not sure what it exactly is, but the woman needs to be down to earth. She can't be to into her appearance, I'm not saying she needs to look like a bum, but not flashy not a lot going on. She just needs to be able to rock her natural beauty. NO HAIR WEAVES!! That is a deal breaker for me, I can deal with a perm, but if you've got a weave you've gone too far. I like natural women, she needs to care about the environment and the world in general. She needs to be culturally aware. There are a lot more characteristics that I can add, but I'm just going to stop here.

So what are you attracted to? Do you have a type? What is it?

shout out to Evolving for a good post on attraction that reminded me I needed to finish this one.

edit: they put the Dr. G Love video back up. Go check it out

Okay what is with all the drama! So remember the married girl who was trying to talk to me, and through the wise advice of you wonderful readers as well as others I realized that its just a bad idea to get involved. Well she just sent me a message asking why I was avoiding her and if she got her signals crossed. Okay so its true I have been avoiding her but not really, I've responded to all of her text messages, but not her facebook wall comment and her call which she sent right before the text. I'm just a little taken a back that we have to have this relationship type talk when we're not even in a relationship. We haven't even kissed or anything some drunken hand holding and a leg rub really doesn't constitute a situation where a talk needs to occur. Sure we tentatively set up a date but it wasn't an official date and there was no date set up! What the hell is going on!! Now I have to have this stupid conversation about how I'm not going to get involved with her because she's married.

I guess I didn't expect it to go there because nothing really happened warranting a conversation. There's only one girl that I could really see having legitimate reason for us to talk and ask why I'm sending mixed signals because I have. This married girl not so much. Its not really drama just annoying, I really wanted to respond to the text saying its not that serious!! Because it's really not!

In search of home

Oh the frustration, I'm home in Connecticut and I have been anxiously waiting to get home and away from the middle of nowhere and all was well for the most part, I got to see my beautiful nephew who absolutely loves me, which is evident in the way I'm consistently able to make him smile. I know that my family loves me, but its not that simple.

This is my first holiday being semi out, I don't know who knows I'm a lesbian and who doesn't. I come home to find out that my mom has outed me to my crazy conservative aunt, knowing that I was thinking that everyone knew. But the environment was very different. Lesbians were brought up several times and it was never in a completely positive light. First I find out that my "player" cousin, who is a sweet heart but is also a dog, he has several kids by several different women. Apparently the latest development is that two of the women are now together. Now discussing this my uncle seemed unable to comprehend such a thing and there were also a bunch of ewwwws. This was by my family who I'm guessing doesn't know about me but my mother kept talking about how she looked like a dyke in this one picture. Then there was a commercial where two womem were kissing and again in typical teenager fashion we heard lots oh ewwwwws.

I've been reading everything I can get my hands on about coming out and coming home for the holidays, but I still wasn't prepared for all of this. I'm beginning to understand why so many queer folks have created families. If my family's general ambivalence and disdain towards lesbians weren't enough there were the 3 fights with my older sister, in which I get accused of holding my degree over everyone's heads, made me yearn for this even more. Unfortunately some experiences with "friends" have left me less than hopeful about getting this family.

But this week home has made me want that safe place, that place where I'm understood and accepted. But I don't even know if that place exists so I'm on my way back to the middle of no where and to my apartment where I may be alone but at least I don't have to put up with no bull shit

I'm ready to go back

I think I'm ready to go back to Church. I just finished watching Sunday's Best on BET, its basically a gospel American Idol and I was just hit with the spirit through my TV and I realized I miss church. I didn't think about who was judging me, but all I cared about was restoring my relationship with God. Now I know everyone has their own path to God, but I think I need to return to my path through Christianity. I know I'll find the right path, but I have to say this show just reminded me about what I loved about church. I miss that! So I don't know how but I'm going to find a church where I can be comfortable and worship God.

Forever Journeying

I don't know if its just me, but it seems like the times when you are on the cusp of change, of a real breakthrough, thats when everything seems to fall apart. I feel like something big is about to happen, not necessarily big in the sense of something visible or even remarkable to people other than me, but something is about to happen. I have reached a new place in my journey, I'm becoming comfortable in who I am, comfortable enough to fight for it, which I haven't necessarily been ready to do before. I haven't been able to post as much as I would like lately because I've just been so overwhelmed by life, by everything. I am currently taking 4 courses trying to work on my thesis without a committee, apply to grad programs and possibly retake the GRE's. I'm just feeling overwhelmed by it all, and sometimes I feel like I just can't do it and I wanna throw up my hands and quit which is evident by my last post. However, admits all of this I've been having some incredible joys namely the birth of my nephew
I haven't even met him yet, but I already love him. Soon I Anacoana should have her little man, and I also am looking forward to him, because new life brings hope. With all thats going on I've just felt less willing to lie, hide or compromise myself in anyway. I recently got a call from a former fundie friend of mine who I've been avoiding for the past year. She called and said she missed me and asked about whether I was involved in any churches, or youth groups. I didn't tell her about how I've been walking in my identity as a Black lesbian and that I was proud of that. I didn't tell her, I just let her keep her ideas about me and continue to pray for me. But my interaction with her, and my feelings in general about life and everything, have led me to not fear being outed so much anymore. I'm ready to let go of any and everyone who can't deal with me, all of me. Being a lesbian is important but its not all of me and anyone who can't see passed that in my life can leave my life and I'm finally ready to let them go. I'm more confident in my identity as a lesbian, yes I am 23 and a virgin, yes I have never been with a woman as of yet, but this does not mean that I am any less of lesbian or sure of my sexuality. I am no longer ready to let people project their insecurities on to my life. I really feel like a change is about to happen, like I'm finally going to reach that next level in my journey. I'm not sure where its going to take me, but I'm ready for the ride.

Trip home

I don't see how it is that I updated more when I was in Trinidad than since I've been home. It has been a whirlwind week. I got back from Trinidad late on the 3rd and flew home to CT on the 9th. In between then I had to reclaim my house from fruit flies, try and organize/unpack a little more, and also write a paper for my Trinidad class, which I still haven't done. Fortunately I had a great time being home; I spent most of my time in some area of NYC and mainly with anacoana because it was her baby shower. The baby shower was simply amazing; it was great seeing so many people I haven't seen since I graduated a year ago. It was interesting trying to be true to who I am now as opposed to the person I was when I graduated. I didn't want to slip in to the old image of me, but I am still having a hard time completely breaking that old image and revealing the true me. This was evident in how I awkwardly was walking around with a beer, or how I had to sneak and make myself a drink so to not draw attention to me. I already had to answer a few "oh my goodness is that a beer in your hand?" which was nothing but awkward. I didn't come out to anyone this weekend and mainly kept my sexuality quiet, but this weekend wasn't about announcing my sexuality to people it was about celebrating the pending arrival of my Godson. There was only one instance in which it would have been relevant for me to announce my sexuality, and I didn't in that instance because I was involved in a debate with a "friend" about whether heterosexism was an important system of oppression. In that case I didn't feel like he was worthy of getting to know more about me.

As I said before the baby shower was beautiful, not only did I get to hang out with my best friend but I also got to chill with TS. Being around Anacoana makes me not want to get pregnant, not because she was miserable and made pregnancy look like it, but because she's like 8.5 months pregnant and is carrying it so well, and I know I won't be as fortunate. But overall she's going to be an amazing mother, and I can't wait to see what her little boy is going to look like.

I also got to hang out with my brother and sister in law and see her belly. She's about 2.5 weeks ahead of anacoana and my little nephew is already 6.5 pounds and he still has a month to go. My family doesn't have little babies; I was my mom's lightest at 8 pounds. Unfortunately my sister in law hasn't enjoyed the minimal weight gain like anacoana and has gained weight everywhere but is still beautiful and glowing. I also had a very interesting conversation with my brother concerning my sexuality. It was weird and slightly frustrating because he was asking about the elephant in the room, and I didn't feel like I was purposefully ignoring the subject of my sexuality it just didn't have any place in the conversation that we were having, he was encouraging me to talk about it more with my mom, which was weird because I don't feel like I hide anything from my mom. While I understand his point that my mom wants to talk about it more, but I simply will not be rushed/pushed on anything anymore. What I feel like my family doesn't understand is that this has nothing to do with them. My sexuality is not about them, it is about me. I understand they want to know more and be involved, but I'm not going to go at a rate that is uncomfortable to me in order to appease them, and they're just going to have to deal with it. So this has been overall a very interesting little visit.

These words won't do any justice

I've been working on this post all weekend, going over and over in my mind how I could convey in words what I'm feeling. I am in a beautiful country and having the best and worst time ever! I love it here because I have really gotten a chance to commune with nature. I've swam with the fish, swam in the middle of the ocean hung out in a waterfall and lounged on a clear beach. I've fallen in love with the people of this country and have enjoyed this short respite from the continued presence of white privilege over me. However, I have had about enough of feeling alien because I love women.

After a near perfect day of the ocean and other cultural activities we go out and what do we hear but a song about how evil homosexuality is. Its bad enough that the song is playing but the majority of the club join in on the chorus that calls for violence against gays. At this moment I stand there amongst friends and just watch as they dance completely oblivious to the hate coming out of the speakers. I never felt more alone before. Later when I bring it up they do their best to try and understand and sympathize but they can't, because they just don't get it. Flash forward to today as I sit in class and hear our Professor talk about how many Calypso singers find homosexuality funny, and then he goes on and discusses how the idea of a Gay minister of govt is foreign to them, but not as foreign as other countries. He was only half trying to not seem completely biased and disgusted, but it was there. Then after class I have to defend all LGBT people to one of my classmates as he tries to argue that its understandable why people are homophobic and ignore LGBT people. At this point I had to fight back the urge to scream, cry and just run away from this all. This is all too much to handle at sometimes.

I want to hold on to my people and this country so tight, but I can only do this if I deny who I am. I find myself now in a bind, do I continue to blend? Or do I make a stand? Do I even have the agency and authority to make such a bold stand? Where is my safe place? Where is my place where I can go to get rejuvenated? How do I explain something that I can't even put in words to people who claim to be my friends here? Is it even worth it? These are all the questions that are constantly running through my head. I'm just at a point where I don't know where to go from here.

One of the few LGBT sites that isn't blocked is Jasmyne Cannick's blog, and while I don't agree with everything she says all the time, I do get a lot of useful information from here. She just posted this article from a local newspaper and a gay man was talking about how he doesn't have his rights, and all the ways that Trinidad and Tobago should improve in terms of its relations with LGBT people. This article let me know that by being a lesbian and not from here it is illegal for me to be here. Elton John had to get a special license to come and perform. I am absolutely astonished. I want to cling to the people here so bad because I feel like we are so similar, but I can't because I refuse to deny who I am.

Live From Trinidad!

Hey All I didn't think that I would be posting so soon, but we're still in the orientation phase of the trip so we have some free time. I'm experiencing something here that I haven't yet experienced, being closeted when I'm open about my sexuality. This country isn't like Jamaica where I would fear for my life for being a Lesbian, but its strongly frowned upon. One of my lesbian friends who came here last year had some interesting experiences that just made me aware that I needed to be more careful with disclosing my sexuality. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to deal with some homophobic travel mates. Its weird being here and not having my support system with me. The people who I'm definitely realizing that I depend on heavily for support, even my Internet flirt buddy, who as I think about may be more interested in being more friends. Mainly because I'm here now and I miss her, I want to talk to her but I can't. I just sent her a tipsy email a while back when I was well tipsy. I'm enjoying myself overall there are seriously some gorgeous women here, but a las no hopes of making any moves.

I hate coming out, the whole hey everyone I'm a lesbian any questions? But, I realize that I'm going to have to do so and maybe that will give me at least the courtesy of not having to hear homophobic statements.... hopefully. Again I love Trinidad it's a beautiful place and the weather is gorgeous I just miss some people.

Ohh and a Big Happy Birthday Goes out to my Best Friend! Who has finally joined the 23 club! Don't tell her but I kind of miss her a whole lot, but SHHHHH! LOL

on my mind...

So my dear friends in blog world I got a girl on my mind. Yes yes I know, its so unlike me to be thinking about women ;-) This girl is a friend of a friend who lives about 5 hours from me, and I've been talking to her everyday for several hours online, for about 3 weeks. We've both been out for about 1 year, we both care deeply about oppressed people and also come from religious backgrounds. We just really vibe! I really can't explain it any other way than we just vibe together. I really enjoy talking to her, and we flirt like crazy, I'm not gonna lie its pretty obvious. So while this may sound all well and good I'm not sure what I want from her or this whatever it is. This post is pretty pointless but its about 3 am she got offline early and I'm thinking about her. This is so frustrating, because like I said in a previous post we both are shy when it comes to romance, so neither one of us has said explicitly that we like each other, but I'm fairly confident that she likes me. My best friend told me to just ride it out, which I intend to but I'm obsessing over it now. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because I don't know if I want a relationship with her at this point in my life, but I'm growing frustrated with just riding it out.

My first Pride

I just got back from my very first pride celebration. I had a ball!! It was so much fun!

issues that I had not completely resolved, in going to a Pride parade signaled to me something that I wasn't completely ready to accept before, complete acceptance of who I am. I talk a good talk, but I'm still struggling. So the whole idea of pride just made me really anxious. I felt bad because I didn't feel like I had any pride, and then I felt like there would be a Queer measuring stick that I didn't necessarily measure up to. When talking about this with my best friend she wisely said that maybe pride was about going there with none and coming back with some. II've been having a lot of anxiety about going before. Going to pride made me confront a lot of definitely have to say that that's exactly what happened. I feel so much better about everything; I'm no longer so terrified that people from my undergrad were going to find out the truth. There might be some facebook pictures and I'm okay with that.

Yesterday was the parade and I thought that I had prepped myself but as I began to walk to the spot where I was going to watch the parade, I began to freak out. My heart was racing and I was shaking. I called my best friend in a panic, after she calmed me down and I hung up. Immediately these two guys complimented me on my earrings, and then we started talking and they invited me to walk around with them. They were so nice and I hung out with them for most of the night. Then when I left them, I ran in to a girl who was in one of my classes. It was funny because we both looked at each other and said "What are yoou doing here?!” It was great, because once again I wasn't walking around by myself. The rest of the night got really weird but that’s not what’s important. Today there was just a general festival, and I went by myself hoping to meet people again, but I just ended up hanging out on the grass for a while by myself. I ran in to some girls from a program that I had presented for before. It was nice because I didn't even know that one of them was a lesbian, and there program isn't exactly gay friendly, but they had found each other and banded together. What made me happier is that she remembered me and was happy to see me, while I was presenting she looked real bored, but I made an impact.

I saw so many young kids, holding hands with their boyfriends and girlfriends and not caring, it was beautiful. I saw older people walking around happy and enjoying the day. It was so nice to not have to worry about being seen, people finding out. It was beautiful! I felt so proud and so happy. Then I got to hang out with the girl from my class later, and we did the electric slide on stage, and had a great view of the drag show, and just got to talk about being out on our campus. It was beautiful! I had such a great time and a lot of my anxiety about being out has dissipated, because I know I'm not alone!

Here are some pictures from the Drag Queen show tonight and some stuff I bought

This is part of an airbrush tattoo I got on my arm

I added a pride flag to my flag collection on my wall


A cool incense holder I bought (ignore the stuff in the background lol )

The Queen of Pride

Singing Dear Mr. President

Life is a highway, I'm gonna ride it all night long!

Some pride balloons in the air

I cut of their heads but they just got engaged

Its my anniversary

So as of today I've been blogging for a whole entire year. Here's a repost of my first post

This is the beginning of my blog. I guess I'm going to use this as a place to rant and rave and just let out the way I'm feeling. Anyways I know that I have a lot that I need to work on in my life, and this blog will be my way to document my journey to enlightenment, at the end I hope to be enlightened personally, politically and academically. I am about to move to a new town in a different region to go to grad school. I am really excited about this because I think this move will finally allow me to establish myself as an individual. I hope to really gain some independence and stability. I don't know how to explain myself, my whole entire life I have never truly followed my own desires. I have always felt the need to fit some mold, it's like I've been living by some script. So now I'm 22 years old and I'm sure about very little now a days. In two months I will be starting a masters program and I am scared to death. I'm terrified that I won't be able to do it, I'm afraid that they'll look at me and wonder how I graduated college. I'm terrified that grad school will be a repeat of college. One of the main things that I am confused about is my sexuality, I always find it hard to write. I've been struggling to figure out where I stand for sometime, I haven't told anyone about my dilemma, as I've come to call it. I figured this blog would be a good place to voice what I'm going through to someone other than myself. It's all about baby steps, right? I'll go more in to it later. I guess this is it for my first post.