Wednesday, October 24, 2007

I feel like I'm in mourning

I feel like I'm in mourning, and I feel bad about it. I'm mourning the loss of my little cousin's childhood, she's fifteen and its all over now, its time for her to become an adult and I'm so sad about it. I'm feeling so many conflicting things I don't even know how to describe it. She's had it rough especially these last couple of years. She's had to deal with sexual abuse, her mother and all her craziness, and just instability in her life. But, through it all I've tried to remind her of how beautiful she is, and how she can accomplish anything. I was fighting for her so hard because I saw this coming. The signs were all there low self esteem, crazy home life, lack of parental attention, and all the wrong attention from boys. I saw from when she lost her virginity at 13 to a boy who lied about his age and didn't care about her at all. And now, as if her life hasn't been hard enough its about to get even harder because her life is no longer her own. I spoke to her briefly online today and she told me how in between her mother screaming and cussing her out her mother finally told her that she's HIV positive. She's been positive for the last 10 years of her life, and admits all this stress now she has more to deal with. I'm so mad at her though and I hate that I'm mad at her but I am, because while there have been so many people fighting for her she hasn't been fighting for herself. She's never allowed herself to dream about big things, and I'm mad about that. She's beautiful, intelligent, talented and just a great person but she doesn't see that in herself and it hurts. I just don't know how to proceed because since I've found out this has been the most I've been able to speak on this. I just don't know what to do.

Monday, October 22, 2007

My 15 year old cousin is pregnant

My 15 year old cousin is pregnant.

I don't know what to do with this all, she's only 15. She can't drive, vote, or even get a job, but she's going to be a mother. I can't be excited like usual when we learn of a new baby on the way, because the mom's not ready. She's committed to keeping the baby, but I can't see her as a mother. I remember when she was born, she can't even manage her own life. I don't even know what else to say once this sinks in maybe I'll be able to write a more coherent post

Thursday, October 18, 2007

I need friends ya'll

Yes I do have friends but I mean myspace friends. I just created another profile that's separate from my personal myspace page, I still need to conceal my secret identity lol. So if you have a page how about you add me and we can be friends okay? thanks

Thursday, October 11, 2007

So I’ve been thinking more and more about white liberals and white people in general. Growing up in the US as a Black woman who later discovered that she was a lesbian has definitely influenced my outlook on life. I’ve always gone to integrated schools, and I’ve been so use to being the only person of color or one of a few in a classroom that I hardly even notice it anymore. I still get annoyed and aggravated when I don’t see any people of color on a television show, but not aggravated enough to stop watching.

As I’m writing this I’m in class, a class about sexuality from a historical perspective and in this class I’m one of two people of color out of about 20, and it’s a shame to say that its to the point that I forget that I’m out numbered because it happens so often in my life. But in this class there is usually one of my good friends a nice white liberal, she got her masters in Black studies and studies post colonial Africa, she’s aware of her privilege supposedly, but I have to constantly still call her on some of the stupid and down right ignorant things she says. She takes pride in being so open minded, progressive, she talks about it all the time. She calls herself a Black feminist; she even created a facebook group for progressive white people. She talks about not caring about being the only white person or one of two in a class, but I don’t think she really gets it. I don’t think most white people really get it, even white liberals.

They talk about being allies but in the end they’re all more concerned with getting their “black card,” being considered down. It’s sickening. People of color are expected to get used to being out numbered in work, school and everywhere else outside of their community and when in this world we must conform to their standards for everything. While they claim to have relinquished their privilege, they really haven’t but rather they have transformed the ways in which they gain their privilege. Now they want to be applauded and celebrated for their willingness to enter the world of the colored people, and not lynching them as they enter. I’m just so tired of it all dealing with them, now while I’m saying they and them I don’t mean all white liberals and certainly not all white people. I’m just tired of putting up with all the bull shit.

There is a quote by Barbara Smith that says

“Quiet as it's kept, whether we are "rioting" or not, most African Americans live every day with greater or lesser amounts of rage toward white people and the system that gives them power and privilege to decimate our lives. I know I do”
and I think that’s what I’ve been dealing with more and more lately I have a lot of anger built up inside against white people and I do mean this in a general way. This isn’t to say that there aren’t white people that I love dearly, but deep down I’m pissed at them for the privilege that they have and use everyday. I’m working on this anger because I realize that this isn’t healthy. I’ve been reading Alice Walker’s the temple of my familiar and I have been captivated by the gospel according to Shug if you haven’t read them before here they are:

HELPED are those who are enemies of their own racism; they shall live in harmony with the citizens of this world, and not with those of their ancestors, which has passed away, and which they shall never see again.

HELPED are those born from love: conceived in their father's tenderness and their mother's orgasm, for they shall be those - numbers of whom will be called "illegitimate" whose spirits shall know no boundaries, even between heaven and earth, and whose eyes shall reveal the spark of the love that was their own creation. They shall know joy equal to their suffering and they will lead multitudes into dancing and Peace.

HELPED are those too busy living to respond when they are wrongfully attacked: on their walks they shall find mysteries so intriguing as to distract them from every blow.

HELPED are those who find something in Creation to admire each and every hour. Their days will overflow with beauty and the darkest dungeon will offer gifts.

HELPED are those who receive only to give; always in their house will be the circular energy of generosity; and in their hearts a beginning of new age on Earth: when no keys will be needed to unlock the heart and no locks will be needed on the doors.

HELPED are those who love the stranger; in this they reflect the heart of the Creator and that of the Mother.

HELPED are those who are content to be themselves; they will never lack mystery in their lives and the joys of self-discovery will be constant.

HELPED are those who love the entire cosmos rather than their own tiny country, city, or farm, for to them will be shown the unbroken web of life and the meaning of infinity.

HELPED are those who live in quietness, knowing neither brand name nor fad; they shall live every day as if in eternity, and each moment shall be full as it is long.

HELPED are those who love others unsplit off from their faults; to them will be given clarity of vision.

HELPED are those who create anything at all, for they shall relive the thrill of their own conception, and realize a partnership in the creation of the Universe that keeps them responsible and cheerful.

HELPED are those who love the Earth, their mother, and who willingly suffer that she may no die; in their grief over her pain they will weep rivers of blood, and in their joy in her lively response to love, they will converse with trees.

HELPED are those whose every act is a prayer for harmony in the Universe, for they are the restorers of balance to our planet. To them will be given the insight that every good act done anywhere in the cosmos welcomes the life of an animal or a child.

HELPED are those who risk themselves for others' sakes; to them will be given increasing opportunities for ever greater risks. Theirs will be a vision of the world in which no one's gift is despised or lost.

HELPED are those who strive to give up their anger; their reward will be that in any confrontation their first thoughts will never be of violence or war.

HELPED are those whose every act is a prayer for peace; on them depends the future of the world.

HELPED are those who forgive; their reward shall be forgetfulness of every evil done to them. It will be in their power, therefore, to envision the new Earth.

HELPED are those who are shown the existence of the Creator's magic in the Universe, they shall experience delight and astonishment without ceasing.

HELPED are those who laugh with a pure heart; theirs will be the company of the jolly righteous.

HELPED are those who love all the colors of all the human beings, as they love all the colors of animals and plants; none of their children, nor any of their ancestors, nor any parts of themselves, shall be hidden from them.

HELPED are those who love the lesbian, the gay, and the straight, as they love the sun, the moon, and the stars. None of their children, nor any of their ancestors, nor any parts of themselves, shall be hidden from them.

HELPED are those who love the broken and the whole; none of their children, nor any of their ancestors, nor any of themselves shall be despised.

HELPED are those who do not join mobs; theirs shall be the understanding that to attack in anger is to murder in confusion.

HELPED are those who find the courage to do at least one small thing each day to help the existence of another - plant, animal, river, or other human being. They shall be joined by a multitude of the timid.

HELPED are those who lose their fear of death; theirs is the power to envision the future in a blade of grass.

HELPED are those who love and actively support the diversity of life; they shall be secure in their differentness.

HELPED are those who know.

What I love is that she’s really talking about dealing with your anger, and even in the book one of the character’s is struggling because she keeps having dreams where she’s killing white people and then trying to put them back together. She’s struggling because she doesn’t want to do this but she keeps having these dreams. I think what Alice walker was talking about was this underlying anger. All I know is that I’m going to have to do something to deal with this anger and the white liberals that I’m coming in to contact with.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

new baby

Congrats to my bestest friend ever on the birth of her beautiful little boy! I just wanted to officially post this online. I got to see him yesterday and he is tied with my nephew for the cutest baby ever, well at least in my eyes I know to each respective parent their son is number one. She's a great mom already and I can't wait to see her walk fully in her momdom lol

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

You know there is a lot going on in politics right now, and I just finished watching Life and Debt about the IMF and how it has screwed up Jamaica. The more I think about our current administration, and I would like to write a very intelligent critique about President Bush, but all I can think of to say is

That is all

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

I can't stand all this waiting!!!!!
I'm documenting all my anxiousness while I wait for news on Anacoana, and the baby. Its driving me crazy it is currently a little after midnight and the last I heard from her it was at 8 and she was doing great. its been 4 hours and I can't stand the not knowing, is she close what's going on? how does she feel? we joke and say that I'm the third parent and I feel like the father pacing outside the hospital room waiting to hear whether his child has been born. I can't take it!!!! So Anacoana when you read this later, as well as all the notes on your myspace, and facebook just know that I'm going crazy!!!


Baby Watch 2007 ...

Is almost complete because


Go over and wish her luck she won't see it until after she comes home, but it'll be much appreciated.

I'm already an Auntie as of Sept 6th, now I'm about to be a god mom as of I'm gonna say the 3rd

“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.” ~Audre Lorde