Freaks and masks

So while I was writing a post about the march and my first day in DC I get a call from my friend from high school calls me, and we agree to meet up at a local bar and catch up. I haven't seen her in a good 6 years. Realizing that we're about to meet up, I realize shit I'm going to have to come out to her. I haven't had to come out to anyone in a while, and I still get nervous. So it was nice, I rambled and we reminisced and talked about where we are now. Afterward it got me thinking, because I put up my mask, I talked about my life as if I was completely comfortable and secure about everything, but clearly I'm not. So I talked, I listened, we hugged and made plans to get together during thanksgiving.

But, later when I was walking back to my hotel, all of these thoughts came to my mind, about where I'm at in my life. Where I wanna be, how I'm sick of being single, sick of being a virgin. I was thinking about how much I've changed since High School, and I still feel insecure about it all. I still feel like a freak 90% of the time. So I get back to my hotel and I start to look at my books that I bought, and I stopped at Lambda Rising and bought the 2nd edition of Does Your Mama Know? Which when I was first coming out was my life saver. I clung to it like it was the last bit of air on earth. So I was looking at some of the new stories and I stopped at Olive Demetrius', and you all know I love me some UPeople lol. And I identified so much with her story I felt so much better, instantly. It was the same feeling that I got when I was in KY watching UPeople, or reading the first edition of the book. Even though I've come a long way, there are still times where I fear that my world is going to come crashing down, because I'm gay, where I fear for everythiing and I think that I'm truly a freak because, no one else seems to have the same issues that I'm having. That's why these stories are so important because even though you can be surrounded by a million people you can still be lonely, and these stories help me feel a little less lonely.

We Wear the Mask

WE wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

Me

Something has been really bothering me lately, it feels like there is so much resistance to me just being me. I feel like in order to "fit" I need to change so many aspects of myself. From the way I dress, to how I live my life. It seems like whatever I do just isn't enough. It isn't ok and I'm so over it. I feel this particularly when it comes to dating. I'm neither butch nor femme or androgynous. I'm just me, my style is very much for comfort, most days I'm wearing jeans, t-shirt and head scarf; and that's how I'm comfortable dressing. I don't like heels, I can't walk in them and they hurt my feet, so I don't wear them anymore simple. I don't wear make up, and I could careless about whether my nail polish is all there. Those things just aren't important to me. Sometimes I like to show of the Venus and Serena with a nice low cut shirt, and I don't like my clothes to be overly loose are tight fitting. This is just who I am, and I'm tired of being made to feel like I need to change these aspects of myself. Unfortunately it seems like to get a date I need to change in some way, dress up, dress down, become more butch or more femme. But, that's not me. QuarterlifeQueer posted an amazing post not too long ago, about life in the middle, and its absolutely beautiful and definitely on time. So often, we are forgotten, us who switch it up and just live in the gray area of an already gray community.

I'm also not one of those extra granola dykes. I care about the environment and what's going on with the earth, but I also like my degree deodorant. If that makes me a hypocrite then so be it. I'm a meat eater and I'm not gonna change that, I even, gasp, eat pork! I know scandalous right? I also like to get drunk every now and then. I reserve the right to be all of this and so much more and I'm not changing any time soon, and if I change it will be my choice and not because I felt pressured.
Yes I'm 25 years old and still a virgin, no I'm not happy about it, but I'm not ashamed either. I'm also not a puppy to be put on display as the 25 yr old virgin. I've also been out for 3 years and haven't been in a relationship with a woman or even kissed a woman, and it has nothing to do with me being unsure about my sexuality. Sure I wish things were different, but they're not. This is my life, these are my experiences. I guess this is all apart of reclaiming me, because this is who I am and I'm tired of feeling bad for it. Hopefully this won't mean that I'm single for the next 30 years, but you know what if changing who I am is what it takes to find someone fuck it! I'll be single.

Letter to my former friend on the anniversary of her mother’s death

Letter to my former friend on the anniversary of her mother’s death,

I don’t know what to say to you. We were really close and I trusted you more than I do most people. I let you in where I hadn’t anyone else; I took a chance with you and our group of friends and you more than others. We were friends, we were sisters I relied on you, and needed you. But, you couldn’t be there for me 100% . You wanted to pick and choose which parts of me you acknowledged and befriended and I can’t handle that, and it kills me. I really miss you, there are so many jokes no one else gets and so many times you helped me through that I could definitely use you for now in my life. But, a lot of those situations involve women, women who are Queer like me, who love other women like me, and I know you don’t want to be involved in those situations. I know you won’t go with me to a pride celebration or a random discussion or documentary. When I find the love of my life, we can’t express our love in front of you without you being uncomfortable. I wanted to be auntie to your kids, but will you allow your kids to come over my house? Can my partner and I sleep in the same bed at your house? I know that the answers to these questions aren’t the ones that I want to hear. Because of all these things we can’t be friends. I wish it was different, I wish I could talk to you about the girl I met that I think is hot, but I can’t. I know your faith comes above everything else and your faith does not permit you to “encourage” my lifestyle. So our friendship has to end.

Despite all this, I still love you like a sister and I loved your mother like she was my blood. I grieved when I first heard about her death, and I grieved even more when I saw the hurt on your face. So because I loved her so much I couldn’t let her day she died past another year without saying something to you, because I know she wanted us to look after each other. So that’s why I contacted you, but I just can’t handle dealing with our issues anymore. I can’t handle you saying you want to hear from me, because you can’t handle all of me.

Heathen

Its Sunday and I'm home, not going to church just like I haven't gone in the past few months. I didn't even go to church on Easter Sunday. That's the first time in many many years that I haven't even gone to church on Easter and I wonder how did I get to this point. I used to be such a super Christian, I used to be in Church more often than not, Church was my life. Now here I am a few years later and I'm not going to church at all. I miss going to church I really do, but the fact is that church is no longer a place to find peace for me, its just another place on the long list of places that give me anxiety.

I guess that's what happens when you're so deeply entrenched in the Christian community and you see all the homophobia and then you come out. Because no matter what anyone says I was there, I know what people say behind closed doors. I know that I could walk into most churches and I would be greeted graciously, but they'd be praying for my deliverance from homosexuality. Hell, some of my friends right now are praying for me to be delivered. So yeah, I've become a heathen. I'm not afraid to learn and respect other faiths even :gasp: ones with multiple deities. I don't know if I'll ever go back to church, but I want to, only time will tell.

Why I still get Starstruck

Friday my wonderful new friend invited me to this Queer party, and I said sign me up lol. What she didn't tell me was that Olive and Hanifah were going to be there, and you all know how star struck I get. I know, I know they're normal people and my friend has confirmed this to me since she actually knows them, but I still can't help it. The party in general was really good for me in more than just fulfilling the need to get out.

When I got there one of the first people I saw was Hanifah and, I couldn't speak (typical of me). I wasn't prepared to see Hanifah right outside the door or run into Olive inside. It's hard to put it all into words but that night was great on so many levels so much about that party felt right and running into 2 of the people who literally helped me through it all was a little too much to handle. Olive didn't make it any better by complimenting me on my gap, which I actually hate, but she made me feel good about it which is rare, because have I mentioned I absolutely hate my gap. I started to think about why I still get starstruck by them, and I realized that its going to be a while until I'm not completely starstruck by them.

When I was in KY I was so lonely and I was trying to figure out what it means to be Black gay and female. I literally was coming out while I was in Kentucky to almost everyone in my life. When I got there, there were only about 2 people who knew that I was gay. In hindsight coming out in Kentucky wasn't the best idea since I had no support system down there and the friends I made, while all Queer friendly were all straight. I had no one to talk about what I was through with that could really understand. So like any woman in the 21st century I relied on the Internet , I watched vlogs and read blogs for my sense of community and direction. They were my lifeline and hope that there was something out there beyond my small world in KY. So I soaked it all in , I learned about my community from vlogs the most important being UPeople. I consumed everything they put out and sighed with a deep yes, it felt right. In my crazy time in KY so little felt right and made sense but when I was alone in my apt feeling like a freak I could go online and find some sense of self, and community.

This path of self discovery and being comfortable with myself definitely isn't finished, especially since I feel like everything about Kentucky inhibited me from embracing myself completely. So when I moved back and subsequently to Brooklyn, I began to soak up everything I could in Black Queer life, and its been great so far. So when I see Olive and Hanifah out or at one of their events, I know they're regular people that you can just go up and say hi to. I have once in the past (the only time I've had the courage), but its still hard. I was so excited just from the whole night and especially seeing Olive and Hanifah, that I was giddy. My brother thought I was drunk when I came in. After when he realized I wasn't and was talking about it. He had a perfect analogy for it. He said it was like a young MC and just me Jay Z lol, and he's right.

So yeah its really hard for me to just be all laid back and casual when I see people, who literally helped me get through the hell known as Kentucky. Also how do you say this someone without sounding all overdramatic and crazy. So yes, I will absolutely still get starstruck, because that's just not something you get over too quickly.

Oh and have I mentioned that they are two of the most beautiful women I've EVER seen. I'm just saying so in this spirit you should also vote for them for AfterEllen's Hot 100 and 10 Hottest Women of Color.

Call me, Queen Latifah! Call me

Since I feel like my posts have been a little angry lately. I figured its time for a light hearted post. So on Twitter (which I'm so obsessed with now). I was talking about my love for Queen Latifah, She was one of my first crushes. Unfortunately she's not out yet, but she's so fine I will be her closeted girlfriend. So if you start seeing her with a sexy woman with locs, and this blog goes silent. Don't blow up my spot, just let us live in peace. So here's for my wife the beautiful Queen Latifah.

Oh Queen we can be so happy you just have to call! lol

Meeting people

Yeah so about that whole posting more regularly thing.... I'm so sorry I'm really falling off the ball. It's just hard to blog when I have no privacy at my Brother's place, and I like keeping this blog as private as possible, because once everyone knows that I have a blog I begin to feel more limited in what I can post. Anyway I have a couple of posts that I'm working on, but right now I need some advice, I'm getting kind of desperate here. Please can someone anyone tell me how do you meet someone?!

The problem is that I tend to be very introverted at times and occasionally I get a little burst of extroversion. But, in general I'm very shy. So when I go to events and see a beautiful woman, I can't say anything. I know a lot of Queer folks hit up the clubs, but I'm not the best dancer and become very uncomfortable, unless I'm a little tipsy and meeting someone while drunk really doesn't give off the best first impression. So come on people how do you do it? I just updated my downelink profile, which I'm not too thrilled about because I hate downelink sometimes. There are too many young kids trying to get laid. I'm reaching desperation levels here, now. I jut want to meet a nice girl, it doesn't even have to be romantic I just need some gay friends. so PLEASE HELP!!!

Friends

This is sort of a follow up to my last post. Yesterday I reconnected with one of my friends from undergrad, we'll call her C. We weren't really close, but we were definitely friends. I definitely think that we weren't closer friends because she made me very uncomfortable, because she was so comfortable with being a lesbian and I was so not. Well yesterday we finally caught up on AIM. I haven't come out to her because I really don't know why, I was afraid that she'd hold up some gay measuring stick and mark me as a clear fail. I think this is due in part to a real experience I had with this girl. She was bi and I was excited and was like oh cool another Black Queer woman and when she found out that I was a virgin. She said that I couldn't really be sure since I've never been with a man or woman sexually. She even went so far as to tell me to stop calling myself a lesbian. Unfortunately I was really drunk during the last statement so it registered a little late for me to get pissed. Anyway I was talking to C and I got a huge amount of anxiety about coming out to her, and then I finally just did it and she was completely cool and amazing of course. It really got me wondering why I was so afraid in the first place. It felt so good to talk to another Black lesbian about coming out and everything and she really just get it. She moved to my state recently and offered to be my gay club buddy. So that made me really happy.

Despite my excitement about a great coming out experience it reminds me of my friend who I've subsequently fallen out of touch with because of her inability to accept me as I am. I'm still grieving the loss of our friendship and that friend. I feel like I should be over it since its been a while, but it still hurts when I think about where we are now. What really pisses me off is that she was able to talk with C about her being a Black lesbian and all the various labels, but with me she can't. It just reminds of how funny friendships are, all of my friends except her have been amazing and supportive, so I guess that says a lot about the nature of our friendship. We went on spring break together our senior year and a couple weeks ago she texts me and says that she was looking at the pictures and remembering the great time we had and then she ends the text with love you guys. I really wanted to respond and say who does she love? Not the real me, but the conservative Christian me, waiting to find a good man, and denying a part of herself. I just left it alone, and I'm just going to focus on my supportive friends like C. Coming out really shows you who your real friends are.

Beware!! Lesbian processing

So I've missed 2 important dates, My bloggeversary and the anniversary of me coming out. I started this blog 2 years ago trying to process "my dilemma" as I was calling it, because I was too afraid to even type the words lesbian or gay. The whole idea of me being gay was terrifying and I felt so very alone. Blogging really helped me find a community which was amazing and really helped me in those early months.

So now its been 2 years and I'm reflecting on everything and I feel like I should be at a different point than I am, I feel like I'm sort of beginning again. So let me back track a little bit, I count my official coming out as July 10, 2006 because that is when I first told my best friend and she was the first person who actually knows me in real life to know. At that time I just graduated from undergrad and was about to start my graduate program and move to a random ass southern city. At the time I was really looking forward to getting out of my home state of CT and from a lot of the people I knew because them knowing me was suffocating. Everyone had this perception of who I was, the good little Christian girl who did not curse, think about sex let alone have a sexuality, drink or do anything worldly ( you should have seen the uproar my first tattoo caused). That was just too much so I figured a change of scenery would be good. In hindsight I think that was the wrong decision. I left an area where I had someone who was showing me around all the Queer areas and guiding me to go to an area where I knew no one. When I left my hometown I was still in a place of trying to be what a lesbian was supposed to be like, which led me to do a lot of compromising. In my program I was the only Queer person there, and had to carry the weight of a whole community I still didn't fully understand. My program was very hostile and these past 2 years have been some of the hardest I've ever had to deal with. There were some nice moments while I was away but in general I was completely miserable, and this consequently sent me into a nice depression that I'm still working on emerging from.

I realized that when you're coming out you really need someone there to lead you along, show you the community, let you know you're not a freak and really be that shoulder. I definitely wouldn't have made it had it not been for my hetero friends, but your hetero friends can be very supportive ultimately I think you need another Queer person there. Because unless you've gone through this process you have no idea what it's like, and you can't ever fully relate. So I didn't have the gay guru when I was in grad school so I've been fumbling my way through this whole process and now that I'm home and confronting everything that I was running from before I feel like I'm back at square 1. However, being in such a hostile environment has given me more assurance in my identity and I'm definitely not going through the whole I don't know why the fuck I feel this way thing anymore. I know I'm a lesbian and I'm completely happy with it, its just that now I have to deal with this whole outside world, which is the annoying part. I'm searching for a community here either in CT or in NYC. I'm learning to deal with being the gay kid in my family and feeling like I fit, but not really because I'm not like everyone else. These are all things that I think I would have been farther along if I had not moved. Now I'm having to come out ot people who I'm not close with, and others that I hadn't said anything to, like my only Black Lesbian friend in College. Oddly its slightly harder to come out to Queer folks who knew me when I was a Super Christian.

Anyway so here I am 2 years out, and still learning, still growing and if there was any doubt to me being a Lesbian this long ass processing post should be evidence lol.

Help a Sista out!

Okay its community building time!
All of us Queer folks know how difficult coming out is, whether you've done it or are dreading it. So I just read over at Jasmyne Cannick's site about a Black Lesbian sister who just came out and it didn't go so well. She's been cut off financially and has graduation coming up with no way to pay. So if you guys can spare a few dollars, it'd really help. Follow this link to the original post to learn more about her story and how to help.

Advice needed

Help I need advice!!
So here's the deal I like a girl and she likes me, normally it'd all be good but she's married ... to a man. She's bi and I have no issues with that, but her being married worries me. I'm currently not interested in being in a serious long term relationship, especially since I'm moving in some months. So in my head this sounds like a good arrangement, the relationship could only get so serious because she's married and when I commit to someone I want it to be just us two. But I'm afraid that this could all blow up in my face especially since this would be my first relationship with a woman. I just set up a date for the end of this week, am I crazy? Should I walk away? I don't know what to do!! Help

Oh What a Night

Last night I was fortunate enough to attend a fund raiser concert for the amazing Documentary UPeople. Which was Directed by Hanifah Walidah and Olive Demetrius. The movie was incredible and I was fortunate enough to be in the NYC area, so I could head to Bed Stuy to Solomon's Porch and enjoy this amazing concert. So here's my long winded recap of the night followed by a link at the end to where you can watch it all yourself.

Unfortunately I get star struck really REALLY BAD! Its really ridiculous, but I had been preparing myself, I watch their weekly Vlogs and absolutely love them. So I was preparing myself to see Olive Demetrius, Hanifah Walidah and Gloria Bigelow but when I saw them I was in shock. I couldn't help but stare at them as they walked by. So if any of you are reading this I was the weird girl staring lol. So as I sat in shock as they walked by my friend reminded me to be cool and not act like the dork I really am. Then the show starts and Gloria Bigelow does an amazing job, she had me cracking up and I still couldn't believe that I got to see her live. Then Hanifah Walidah came on and DAMN! She did an amazing job! The music was on point her energy was incredibly high and her performance was impeccable! When she brought Olive her partner up there for the song "Do you mind" it was so cute. You can see the love emanating from them. I was sitting right next to the window and then I turn and who is outside listening? Toshi Reagon, I was really worried for the other artists because I just couldn't see how anyone could follow that up, but they more than held their own.

Next up we had Shelley Nicole's Blak Bushe, unfortunately I was in the back and the place was packed so I couldn't see her hot legs everyone kept talking about. Her performance was hot though. She started out with a song that made me mad that I was single, and then continued on with my new stressed out life sucks song Black Girls which is on the U People soundtrack. She was amazing, she just picked up the guitar and was jamming the whole crowd was so into it. Then in the middle of her set who walks in? None other than Macy Gray (remember me and how star struck I get, yeah you can only imagine). Shelley Nicole was just amazing!

More on me an my Star struckness, as Shelley nicole finishes her set the couple that was sitting next to me and my friend get up and leave. I see the guy motioning towards someone telling them that there are two seats and then Tika Milan walks over and sits down right next to me. I wanted to say something, I wanted to say I really liked her on I'm from Rolling Stone, I wanted to say she had a cool shirt which she did, but all I did was get really stiff and try to ignore her. I was so nervous I couldn't even smile lol. I did manage to say something to her, when I was waiting to sign my check I asked her for a pen.... I know, monumental conversation.

Next up was Honey Larochelle, and I had seen her on last weeks podcast and she wasn't shy but I did not expect her to have so much energy on stage. She was absolutely amazing, her voice was beautiful and all of the horns. Her song about her mother's advice was so beautiful and touching.

After it was all over, everyone was selling CD's and unfortunately I had less the money than I thought and ran out of money before I could get Hanifah Walidah's CD. She handed me a flyer thing for the movie and I got star struck so all I could do was smile. Now mind you I had hyped myself up as to what I was going to say to her. I was going to tell her that I had sent her a myspace message and taken a picture with her and Olive at their New York screening. I wanted to say how great a job she did and how she's such an inspiration. But what did I do? Smile like a big doof.

Overall the night was amazing, it was filled with amazing Queer women of many colors, and there were also Queer men and straight women and men. It was amazing environment. I didn't want it to end. One last tidbit about how star struck I got as I was walking my friend to the bus stop and we were trying to find the right train for her to take we stopped and asked some women and Gloria Bigelow was one of them and again what did I do? Smile like a doof. Eh, next time I will speak. Now go over to U People and watch for yourself and while you over there you should drop some money their way to support the film. Don't forget to watch their weekly podcast/vlog every week either at UPeople-themovie.com or on AfterEllen.com . Here's a picture of me Hanifah and Olive, at the NYC screening of U People in October. You know I gotta keep my identity secret and all so I've done an artistic rendering of me lol

In search of home

Oh the frustration, I'm home in Connecticut and I have been anxiously waiting to get home and away from the middle of nowhere and all was well for the most part, I got to see my beautiful nephew who absolutely loves me, which is evident in the way I'm consistently able to make him smile. I know that my family loves me, but its not that simple.

This is my first holiday being semi out, I don't know who knows I'm a lesbian and who doesn't. I come home to find out that my mom has outed me to my crazy conservative aunt, knowing that I was thinking that everyone knew. But the environment was very different. Lesbians were brought up several times and it was never in a completely positive light. First I find out that my "player" cousin, who is a sweet heart but is also a dog, he has several kids by several different women. Apparently the latest development is that two of the women are now together. Now discussing this my uncle seemed unable to comprehend such a thing and there were also a bunch of ewwwws. This was by my family who I'm guessing doesn't know about me but my mother kept talking about how she looked like a dyke in this one picture. Then there was a commercial where two womem were kissing and again in typical teenager fashion we heard lots oh ewwwwws.

I've been reading everything I can get my hands on about coming out and coming home for the holidays, but I still wasn't prepared for all of this. I'm beginning to understand why so many queer folks have created families. If my family's general ambivalence and disdain towards lesbians weren't enough there were the 3 fights with my older sister, in which I get accused of holding my degree over everyone's heads, made me yearn for this even more. Unfortunately some experiences with "friends" have left me less than hopeful about getting this family.

But this week home has made me want that safe place, that place where I'm understood and accepted. But I don't even know if that place exists so I'm on my way back to the middle of no where and to my apartment where I may be alone but at least I don't have to put up with no bull shit

Do I get my Lesbian card now?

Okay so I have a confession.... I'm not very proud of it, I feel a little cliche but I just downloaded a Melissa Etheridge song from itunes. I'm just trying to get my official Lesbian card, and hopefully with that I will also get my gaydar because Damn it, it would really come in handy. But, that's besides the point, but yes I downloaded a Melissa Etheridge song, her new one A message to myself



Its actually not that bad of a song, but I'm just branching out my musical tastes, because I grew up in the Black people don't listen to rock, country or anything that can be construed as "White people's music", and its been hard for me to break that hold. But I've been making some steps like I really like the group the Cliks, but the Melissa Etheridge thing brings up a whole new group of issues, mainly I don't wanna be that girl more specifically that lesbian, you know that super lesbian, who just came out and is all about everything rainbows, and lesbian, you know she cuts her hair gets super militant. There was even a post on Ourchart.com about it, the blogger talked about being post gay, and I just don't want to be that girl, but at the same time I feel like I'm still letting others dictate how I'm going to express my sexuality. I guess when it comes down to it I've never wanted to be the super trendy follow everyone type of girl, and that works to my disadvantage sometimes. So I don't know for all my queer folks out there are you post gay?

Forever Journeying

I don't know if its just me, but it seems like the times when you are on the cusp of change, of a real breakthrough, thats when everything seems to fall apart. I feel like something big is about to happen, not necessarily big in the sense of something visible or even remarkable to people other than me, but something is about to happen. I have reached a new place in my journey, I'm becoming comfortable in who I am, comfortable enough to fight for it, which I haven't necessarily been ready to do before. I haven't been able to post as much as I would like lately because I've just been so overwhelmed by life, by everything. I am currently taking 4 courses trying to work on my thesis without a committee, apply to grad programs and possibly retake the GRE's. I'm just feeling overwhelmed by it all, and sometimes I feel like I just can't do it and I wanna throw up my hands and quit which is evident by my last post. However, admits all of this I've been having some incredible joys namely the birth of my nephew
I haven't even met him yet, but I already love him. Soon I Anacoana should have her little man, and I also am looking forward to him, because new life brings hope. With all thats going on I've just felt less willing to lie, hide or compromise myself in anyway. I recently got a call from a former fundie friend of mine who I've been avoiding for the past year. She called and said she missed me and asked about whether I was involved in any churches, or youth groups. I didn't tell her about how I've been walking in my identity as a Black lesbian and that I was proud of that. I didn't tell her, I just let her keep her ideas about me and continue to pray for me. But my interaction with her, and my feelings in general about life and everything, have led me to not fear being outed so much anymore. I'm ready to let go of any and everyone who can't deal with me, all of me. Being a lesbian is important but its not all of me and anyone who can't see passed that in my life can leave my life and I'm finally ready to let them go. I'm more confident in my identity as a lesbian, yes I am 23 and a virgin, yes I have never been with a woman as of yet, but this does not mean that I am any less of lesbian or sure of my sexuality. I am no longer ready to let people project their insecurities on to my life. I really feel like a change is about to happen, like I'm finally going to reach that next level in my journey. I'm not sure where its going to take me, but I'm ready for the ride.

dating rant

So here's the deal I've been about to myself for almost two years and friends and family a year and a half. I've been processing, dealing, reading, preparing everything I felt I needed to do to get myself accustomed to my new reality of living as an out black lesbian in the USA. I purposely have not tried to hard to seek a relationship for a while because I realized that I needed to get me ready, but now I feel I'm ready and open, and just waiting for the experience of being in a relationship. But, the problem is that I live in a southern city with approximately 2.5 "available" black women who are interested in women (I'm not even talking about identifying as a lesbian. I don't care I'll date someone who is bi, all I care about is that you're in to women).

So yeah my dating options are severely limited, I have this one girl who I went on a datelet (you know more than just chilling, but not an official date) with, but that night she was too high to function and when she met my friends when they came down she hit on one of them and basically acted like an ass. Despite this all I still find her attractive and when drunk last weekend threw myself at her all night, then completely missed her signal of "let's get it on" which in hind sight was a good thing. But despite this all I'm stuck, frustrated and anxious to get over this whole first business over, you know first girlfriend, lover, heartbreak etc...
So I guess the message of the night is DAMN THIS TOWN!!! I NEED A GIRLFRIEND!

Following this random post 3:45am post I think I will follow TS and anacoana's trend and adopt post midnight blogging guidelines.

Trip home

I don't see how it is that I updated more when I was in Trinidad than since I've been home. It has been a whirlwind week. I got back from Trinidad late on the 3rd and flew home to CT on the 9th. In between then I had to reclaim my house from fruit flies, try and organize/unpack a little more, and also write a paper for my Trinidad class, which I still haven't done. Fortunately I had a great time being home; I spent most of my time in some area of NYC and mainly with anacoana because it was her baby shower. The baby shower was simply amazing; it was great seeing so many people I haven't seen since I graduated a year ago. It was interesting trying to be true to who I am now as opposed to the person I was when I graduated. I didn't want to slip in to the old image of me, but I am still having a hard time completely breaking that old image and revealing the true me. This was evident in how I awkwardly was walking around with a beer, or how I had to sneak and make myself a drink so to not draw attention to me. I already had to answer a few "oh my goodness is that a beer in your hand?" which was nothing but awkward. I didn't come out to anyone this weekend and mainly kept my sexuality quiet, but this weekend wasn't about announcing my sexuality to people it was about celebrating the pending arrival of my Godson. There was only one instance in which it would have been relevant for me to announce my sexuality, and I didn't in that instance because I was involved in a debate with a "friend" about whether heterosexism was an important system of oppression. In that case I didn't feel like he was worthy of getting to know more about me.

As I said before the baby shower was beautiful, not only did I get to hang out with my best friend but I also got to chill with TS. Being around Anacoana makes me not want to get pregnant, not because she was miserable and made pregnancy look like it, but because she's like 8.5 months pregnant and is carrying it so well, and I know I won't be as fortunate. But overall she's going to be an amazing mother, and I can't wait to see what her little boy is going to look like.

I also got to hang out with my brother and sister in law and see her belly. She's about 2.5 weeks ahead of anacoana and my little nephew is already 6.5 pounds and he still has a month to go. My family doesn't have little babies; I was my mom's lightest at 8 pounds. Unfortunately my sister in law hasn't enjoyed the minimal weight gain like anacoana and has gained weight everywhere but is still beautiful and glowing. I also had a very interesting conversation with my brother concerning my sexuality. It was weird and slightly frustrating because he was asking about the elephant in the room, and I didn't feel like I was purposefully ignoring the subject of my sexuality it just didn't have any place in the conversation that we were having, he was encouraging me to talk about it more with my mom, which was weird because I don't feel like I hide anything from my mom. While I understand his point that my mom wants to talk about it more, but I simply will not be rushed/pushed on anything anymore. What I feel like my family doesn't understand is that this has nothing to do with them. My sexuality is not about them, it is about me. I understand they want to know more and be involved, but I'm not going to go at a rate that is uncomfortable to me in order to appease them, and they're just going to have to deal with it. So this has been overall a very interesting little visit.

Live From Trinidad!

Hey All I didn't think that I would be posting so soon, but we're still in the orientation phase of the trip so we have some free time. I'm experiencing something here that I haven't yet experienced, being closeted when I'm open about my sexuality. This country isn't like Jamaica where I would fear for my life for being a Lesbian, but its strongly frowned upon. One of my lesbian friends who came here last year had some interesting experiences that just made me aware that I needed to be more careful with disclosing my sexuality. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to deal with some homophobic travel mates. Its weird being here and not having my support system with me. The people who I'm definitely realizing that I depend on heavily for support, even my Internet flirt buddy, who as I think about may be more interested in being more friends. Mainly because I'm here now and I miss her, I want to talk to her but I can't. I just sent her a tipsy email a while back when I was well tipsy. I'm enjoying myself overall there are seriously some gorgeous women here, but a las no hopes of making any moves.

I hate coming out, the whole hey everyone I'm a lesbian any questions? But, I realize that I'm going to have to do so and maybe that will give me at least the courtesy of not having to hear homophobic statements.... hopefully. Again I love Trinidad it's a beautiful place and the weather is gorgeous I just miss some people.

Ohh and a Big Happy Birthday Goes out to my Best Friend! Who has finally joined the 23 club! Don't tell her but I kind of miss her a whole lot, but SHHHHH! LOL

pride

Its June so that means pride season is upon us. This is going to be my first time going and to be perfectly honest I'm nervous, I'm anxious, I'm scared...I'm feeling a mix of so many emotions. I talked about it with my best friend and she definitely helped me process a lot of my feelings. So I'm feeling a lot more at ease about the whole thing. But what's beginning to weigh on me is the fact that I'm not really out, there are still a lot of people who don't know that I'm a lesbian, a lot of my family members, friends from undergrad. One of my friend's from undergrad came out not so long ago and put it up on facebook, and myspace, and I'm not brave enough to do that. I'm mad at myself because I feel like I don't have any pride. One of my friends just put this picture up as their profile pic on myspace and I really like it and want to put it up somewhere, but doing that would out me and thats scary. I want to be more out, but I feel like I rushed it in a lot of ways already and I wasn't ready for the conversations that had to come after me coming out. I've realized that coming out is definitely a process and its overwhelming at times. Sometimes I feel like I'm watching my life spin out of control. I'm such a planner, and coming out wasn't a part of my initial plan. I'm so confused I feel like I'm at an impass, I don't know where to go from here.

Choice

So I've been thinking about a couple of things, mainly the subject of choice. Not choice as we think in terms of reproduction but rather choice as it applies to our sexuality. I was reading this book This is what a Lesbian looks like and it is actually pretty good, from what I've read so far. And one author touched briefly on the idea of choice in the LGBT community. She only mentioned it in a footnote but the notion really caught my attention. She said

"I'm purposely using the term preference. While many people may have a sexual orientation, many others- straight and queer - may not. The sexual liberation movement did not always use the term orientation, and I believe its coinage was part of the strategy that moved us into a civil rights framework, the idea being that if we fuck others of the same sex because we are more deserving of civil rights. Choice has been completely discounted. In my opinion, the orientation argument seems to be little more than Don't be mean to us poor homosexuals. We can't help it. It is important to also argue for the right of an individual to choose homosexuality if that makes sense to them. I chose to be a dyke (because I love women and honestly, the sex is better), and it's the best decision I ever made!"
Karen Bullock-Jordan, "Girls just want to have fun" in This is what a Lesbian looks like Ithaca, NY :Firebrand Books (1999)

This is something that I never ever thought about, I really liked a lot of what she said in this article, because it caused me to question a lot of my assumptions about sex. Just her notion about sexual preference opened my eyes, and really exposed how much I'm still struggling with my own sexuality (not like I needed much reminding). I'm still in the stage of not complete acceptance, I talk a good game and can put on airs, but deep down I'm still very scared and insecure, and I often feel very alone. Unfortunately you're not allowed to say this to hetero people, because if you say that then they immediately try and work in the idea that you can pray this out of you. I can't convey to them, how even though I'm insecure I'm still very secure. I know that I am a lesbian, I know that! I'm not confused about that, but with that knowledge comes great debate, confusion and a fight for acceptance. So I definitely feel like I'm one of the people that Karen Bullock-Jordan was criticizing with the attitude, of don't be mean I can't help it. Because coming up against such criticism with my sexuality, that’s the notion that I've been holding on to. I try to give off the perception that I'm completely at ease with my sexuality and think its great for everyone, but truth be told I believe I reject the notion of preference, because in my mind if its a choice you have to make another one. I don't think that I'll always feel like this, but this is still very new to me and this is where I'm at right now.

But why can't there be sexual preference? Why can't people choose to not fall in line with heterosexual norms? What harm are we doing in denying the presence of choice?

I think it’s the silence surrounding this issue and the internalized heterosexism that has allowed for this conversation to be pushed to the back burner. I don't know about every one else, but I know that's my reason. I think oppressed people are reluctant to admit to how much of "the system" they have bought in to, and continues to be apart of us. We can talk in the past tense, but not the present. Last night I went out with a bunch of people from my program and this one guy who is very "conscious" told me that he has never dated brown or dark skin women, but rather all of his exes are light skinned with long hair and little curves. He admitted, only while drunk, that he has not broken with the Eurocentric standards that he was raised with. Why is that such a hard thing to admit? As oppressed people we are denied the right to be complete humans, we are typically seen as one dimensional people, and we replicate that standard within our communities. We only want to see the confident people, and oddly enough within the LGBT community while we claim that we are trying to encourage an out and truthful life, I feel like this has led to more silence and lies. Karen Bullock-Jordan in her essay was speaking to the desexualization of homosexuality; she really saw sex in a different way than many people I have encountered. I really appreciated her article because she really truly challenged heterosexism, and in doing so she made me see the true harm it caused. There is the idea that a woman is not a lesbian if she has ever had a relationship with a man that she enjoyed, I'm thinking specifically about Sheryl Swoopes, I remember hearing talk about how she was really bi because when she was with her ex husband she truly loved him and enjoyed the sex. We have such limiting notions of sex and sexuality, that we become really judgmental.

I like the title of the book , This is what a lesbian looks like, because it really speaks to the lack of variation that we see when we think of a Queer person. I have become obsessed with anything having to deal with coming out, for obvious reasons, but a large amount of what I see everyone always says they've known since they were in the womb or something to that effect. It's not hard to wonder why that is so prevalent, when you look at Oprah, and when she interviewed Terry McMillan's ex husband she refused to accept that he wasn't sure of his sexuality until later in life. She made it seem as if it were an impossibility.

As my professor would say, so what? and that's what I'm looking to an answer for, I don't know where to go from here or how to further engage this notion, but I'm open to any comments and suggestions. What do we do with the notion of choice?