Friday, June 27, 2008

Missing in Action

So I've been a little MIA lately because so much has happened. I moved out of the hell that was my southern city. I defended my thesis...successfully? I have some major revisions to do but I haven't had the time/motivation. I'm also home finally! The move was a grueling 16 hour drive, it usually only takes about 13-14 but for some reason it took so much longer. I'm still in the process of unpacking which is taking longer than it needs to. This is partly due to the fact that I don't have any motivation to do anything besides play board games with my family. We've been playing monopoly, Life, Uno, Crazy eights and Bull Shit. I killed in Monopoly the first game, but then lost miserably, but its been fun playing with my little cousins and my sister. What's funny is that during life I was the only one who didn't land on a tile to have any children, figure the dyke is discriminated against lol.
My little cousin was due on tuesday so she's now 3 days over due and so ready for this baby to be born. I've gone to 2 appointments and seen her get a sonogram and hear the baby's heartbeat. It was pretty cool I was dancing to the heartbeat. I find it hard to believe that she's going to be a mother soon. She's only 16 but ready or not she's gonna be a mommy. The father has skipped out of the picture, he pops in every now and then but is nowhere near as involved as he claimed he was going to be. But, she's handling it well, she's gonna be a good mom. I going to be in the room when she delivers and I'm not sure how I feel about that, I don't really want to see all of that. I saw a video when I was in the 7th grade and it seriously made me want to reconsider having children, and now I'm at a point in my life where I'm not sure I want to have kids. I really like kids, but I'm definitely not in a place where I feel like I want to be responsible for another person, someone who is really depending on me for everything... that's scary. Anyway I'm slowly emerging from my family seclusion and should be posting more soon.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

I'm done with Black Studies

Not only am I done with Black studies but I'm done with Black solidarity. Let me explain what I mean, I'm not done with caring about and supporting my people but no longer will I do so at my own expense. For the past 2 years I have been pursuing a masters degree in Black Studies, and during these 2 years I have had to deal with a ridiculous amount of bias because not only am I a Black woman, but I'm also a lesbian.
My department tries to appear as if they're open and accepting towards non heterosexuals but they're not. I've had to fight just to pursue my research interest and when I produce this research I've had to work 10 times harder than anyone else to show that it is legitimate research. I've had to be the lone voice arguing against heterosexist scholars that we read, but I've also had to deal with harassment because at the time of my entry I was the only out person in the department. To my knowledge in the 5 years that the graduate program has existed I was the first openly queer student. The lack of Queer people in this department has made the faculty complacent in ignoring all issues regarding sexuality. So when it comes time for me to write my thesis and I want to investigate Black Butch Lesbians all I get is resistance. The chair who reluctantly agreed to chair my thesis knows nothing about gender theory, so I've received no critiques of my argument. She's been completely hostile and disorganized the entire time that I've been writing this damned thesis. I've had to listen to her berate me and my work while she's barely read any of it. But did I complain? No. Why? Because I wanted to support my black people and didn't want to cause a commotion, but I'm done with that. I'm tired of being silent because I didn't want to cause problems for Black people who could care less about me, which was evident by the way they treat me. I wish this was the first time that I've had to deal with shit like this, but no I've had to put up with this same shit from my cohort and an entire conference on Black Studies. A friend of mine presented on how a lot of Black women and Black Queer people have left Black studies to do their research in other departments because Black Studies is so hostile. I am about to join the rest of them because I'm tired, I don't think I can take the abuse anymore. I'm tired of being tokenized or ignored in the discipline that is supposed to represent me. I know women's studies can be just as hostile towards women of color - as evidenced by the whole Andrea Smith debacle- but I'm tired. It seems that while women's studies has a tendency to be very white it seems like they at least try to be more inclusive, while Black studies could care less. When I go to reapply to PhD programs at this point the only Black Studies PhD program I'll be applying to is Northwestern because they have a real demonstrated commitment to Queer people and doing research outside of the heteronormative box. So I'm done, I'm tired and I'm pissed! And when I'm finally done with this thesis process I'm complaining to the dean, because this can not continue.

I'm done with Black Studies

Monday, June 09, 2008

The saturday from hell

So I wake up saturday excited for a new day, I decided to make a real breakfast. I bought some cornbeef hash which reminded my of my childhood, hooked it up with some eggs and my famous homefries. I'm all excited my food is done and looks great. So instead of sitting at my dining room table i want to eat in my living room, so as I'm walking to the living room I trip over my mop and knock it further in my way. Then I smash my toes against the mop and it HURT like hell! I was like damn I banged my foot good, then I look at my toe and I see a little bruise that's growing and getting darker. Then I look at it and wonder has my middle toe always been a little crooked, I don't think so. I've also never had a stubbed toe hurt this much before. It hurts so bad I feel nautious and I feel like crying - I don't cry... EVER! -- but it hurt that bad. So being the rational 24 year old woman I am, I call my mommy. She agrees its probably broken, so I decide to go to the ER and have a professional look at it, I don't want to have a crooked toe forever. So I hobble to the bathroom shower and get dressed. Then I call for a cab, and the phone just rings and rings and rings. Then I find another number and finally get a cab to come. A few minutes later I get a call the cab is outside he's a little confused and tells me to come out. I walk outside and don't see a cab, then I look down the street and see it about a block away from my house. So I hobble down the block to this damn cab and I'm in pain and he wants to make conversation, clearly I'm not in the mood. I ask him to take me to the ER and this idiot takes me to another entrance so I have to walk through this damn hospital to get to the ER.
Fortunately I didn't have to wait long to be seen only about 30 mins. I don't know why when I have a broken to does everyone decide they want to walk me all over the damn hospital, but I have to walk to the most out of the way area. They check me out take me to get an X ray and this ass of an x ray tech needs to get a side view of my toe, so he needs to put a tongue depresser to push my toe up. At first he was gentle, and then for some reason he forgets he's xraying my toe because its most likely broken. This mother fucker starts wiggling my broken toe around like its a fucking piece of clay. I'm clutching the damn x ray table in an effort to not clutch his throat. Can someone please explain why he needed a little led vest while he was holding the tongue depresser from hell and I didn't get one. Anyway I finally get back to the exam room and they confirm my toe is broken and then they tell me that I get to have a fucking munster shoe and crutches. Then the nurse comes to figure out what size for this damn shoe and he feels the need to comment on how big my feet are, because that was fucking necessary! His ignorant country ass had the nerve to say woo doggie, that's a big foot. Who says shit like that! I'm finally free from this damn hospital, and I call the cab again. Now this cab couldn't come to the entrance I told them, no he had to park down a huge fucking slope, do you know how hard it is to manage crutches down a slope? So this is how I spent my wonderful saturday, now I feel trapped in my house. Because, walking too much hurts my toe, but I can't manage these damn crutches. So how was your weekend?

Look at my sexy new footwear

Saturday, June 07, 2008

My Wifey Won!!


Thanks to all who voted, my wife Rose Rollins won the Hottest Down and out character!!!
Thank you all for ensuring continued marital bliss!

I have been kidnapped by Octavia Butler!

I have been kidnapped by Octavia Butler!

Her words completely have me held captive. It all started out when I suggested that my friend read some of her works, for a summer read. She didn't start with the suggested Kindred, but instead went straight to Dawn. She was so into it that I had to pick it up. I was lucky enough to find the whole series neatly packaged in Lilith's Brood. I really liked Dawn, I liked Adulthood Rites but it turned out to be a little intense at times, but I devoured Imago. That was by far my favorite.

I already had Parable of the Sower and Fledgling in my house but hadn't gotten to them yet. But, after falling in love with the Xenogenesis trilogy I went and bought all the Octavia Butler I could find. I bought the Wild Seed and The parable of the Talents. After finishing Lilith's Brood/ Xenogenesis trilogy I dove into the Parable of the Sower and OH MY GOD! I can't put it down. I have to literally pull myself away from it, but its so hard I'm so completely enthralled by her words.
She's such an amazing writer! Its a shame she's passed on and once I finish her works there will be no more new ones. I've purposefully not told you anything about these books, because if you haven't read them then this is the best way to begin, without knowing any background. So don't walk but run and pick up everything she's written and sit back and enjoy. Also don't read the back of the book, which I know is only going to tempt you, but the back of Parable of the Sower gives away something you don't find out until halfway through the book.

Word on the street is that she was also a Lesbian, which from this picture, doesn't surprise me.

Yes I'm being stereotypical, but you know you were thinking it too!

I can't pull myself away from the Parable of the Sower any longer, so I'm going back to finish it.

Monday, June 02, 2008

Hot 100

After Ellen's Hot 100 is finally up! My wife made a big jump and I'm very happy about that. She's not #1 like she should be, but she knows she's always #1 in my book.

I'm not feeling Tina Fey as #1 especially after her whole bitch is the new black bull shit. I also don't find her hot, but clearly a lot of other people do. However, Sara Ramirez made a big jump to #8 which is amazing and completely deserved. I was shocked that America Ferrera wasn't on the list this year.

So here are some of the women I voted for:

Rose Rollins aka My wife
I don't really need to go into again why she's HOT! Besides the fact that she really is beautiful, she's smart and funny and very down to earth. Also we're getting married duh!

America FerreraI was shocked she didn't make the list this year, she's beautiful! I love her even though she has poor taste in politicians. Last year she was 30 and she just fell off this year.

Sara RamirezBeautiful! Gay friendly! Now playing a Queer character, Sexy! Intelligent! The list goes on and on!

Olive's shout out aside, they're amazing! Beautiful, intelligent really committed to the community. Made an amazing Documentary which I cited as much as I could remember in my thesis. They're just Great! They didn't make the list but they are included in the video commentary, which is hilarious.

Staceyann ChinShe is definitely beautiful! Completely bad ass, out spoken, opinionated and all around amazing!

Cathy DeBuonoI love Cathy, she has a great Vlog on AfterEllen where she gives out great advice. She's HOT! Rides a motorcycle and just seems like a great human being. Some haters on AE like to make some not so nice comments about her, but they're all crazy. She's AMAZING!!!

“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.” ~Audre Lorde