Do I get my Lesbian card now?

Okay so I have a confession.... I'm not very proud of it, I feel a little cliche but I just downloaded a Melissa Etheridge song from itunes. I'm just trying to get my official Lesbian card, and hopefully with that I will also get my gaydar because Damn it, it would really come in handy. But, that's besides the point, but yes I downloaded a Melissa Etheridge song, her new one A message to myself



Its actually not that bad of a song, but I'm just branching out my musical tastes, because I grew up in the Black people don't listen to rock, country or anything that can be construed as "White people's music", and its been hard for me to break that hold. But I've been making some steps like I really like the group the Cliks, but the Melissa Etheridge thing brings up a whole new group of issues, mainly I don't wanna be that girl more specifically that lesbian, you know that super lesbian, who just came out and is all about everything rainbows, and lesbian, you know she cuts her hair gets super militant. There was even a post on Ourchart.com about it, the blogger talked about being post gay, and I just don't want to be that girl, but at the same time I feel like I'm still letting others dictate how I'm going to express my sexuality. I guess when it comes down to it I've never wanted to be the super trendy follow everyone type of girl, and that works to my disadvantage sometimes. So I don't know for all my queer folks out there are you post gay?

Forever Journeying

I don't know if its just me, but it seems like the times when you are on the cusp of change, of a real breakthrough, thats when everything seems to fall apart. I feel like something big is about to happen, not necessarily big in the sense of something visible or even remarkable to people other than me, but something is about to happen. I have reached a new place in my journey, I'm becoming comfortable in who I am, comfortable enough to fight for it, which I haven't necessarily been ready to do before. I haven't been able to post as much as I would like lately because I've just been so overwhelmed by life, by everything. I am currently taking 4 courses trying to work on my thesis without a committee, apply to grad programs and possibly retake the GRE's. I'm just feeling overwhelmed by it all, and sometimes I feel like I just can't do it and I wanna throw up my hands and quit which is evident by my last post. However, admits all of this I've been having some incredible joys namely the birth of my nephew
I haven't even met him yet, but I already love him. Soon I Anacoana should have her little man, and I also am looking forward to him, because new life brings hope. With all thats going on I've just felt less willing to lie, hide or compromise myself in anyway. I recently got a call from a former fundie friend of mine who I've been avoiding for the past year. She called and said she missed me and asked about whether I was involved in any churches, or youth groups. I didn't tell her about how I've been walking in my identity as a Black lesbian and that I was proud of that. I didn't tell her, I just let her keep her ideas about me and continue to pray for me. But my interaction with her, and my feelings in general about life and everything, have led me to not fear being outed so much anymore. I'm ready to let go of any and everyone who can't deal with me, all of me. Being a lesbian is important but its not all of me and anyone who can't see passed that in my life can leave my life and I'm finally ready to let them go. I'm more confident in my identity as a lesbian, yes I am 23 and a virgin, yes I have never been with a woman as of yet, but this does not mean that I am any less of lesbian or sure of my sexuality. I am no longer ready to let people project their insecurities on to my life. I really feel like a change is about to happen, like I'm finally going to reach that next level in my journey. I'm not sure where its going to take me, but I'm ready for the ride.

dating rant

So here's the deal I've been about to myself for almost two years and friends and family a year and a half. I've been processing, dealing, reading, preparing everything I felt I needed to do to get myself accustomed to my new reality of living as an out black lesbian in the USA. I purposely have not tried to hard to seek a relationship for a while because I realized that I needed to get me ready, but now I feel I'm ready and open, and just waiting for the experience of being in a relationship. But, the problem is that I live in a southern city with approximately 2.5 "available" black women who are interested in women (I'm not even talking about identifying as a lesbian. I don't care I'll date someone who is bi, all I care about is that you're in to women).

So yeah my dating options are severely limited, I have this one girl who I went on a datelet (you know more than just chilling, but not an official date) with, but that night she was too high to function and when she met my friends when they came down she hit on one of them and basically acted like an ass. Despite this all I still find her attractive and when drunk last weekend threw myself at her all night, then completely missed her signal of "let's get it on" which in hind sight was a good thing. But despite this all I'm stuck, frustrated and anxious to get over this whole first business over, you know first girlfriend, lover, heartbreak etc...
So I guess the message of the night is DAMN THIS TOWN!!! I NEED A GIRLFRIEND!

Following this random post 3:45am post I think I will follow TS and anacoana's trend and adopt post midnight blogging guidelines.

Grad School is bad for my health

Its true, this past week I've had about two near breakdowns, why? Because grad school is bad for my health. The amount of stress to perform and perform well is agonizing. The constant negotiation of identity in spaces that were created so that people like you would not survive is sometimes too much. I felt completely overwhelmed by all of the shit I have to get done in order to become a PhD, even just a MA because damnit I have no other options. This is the only thing I love and also loathe. Its stressful, but when I see my research actually making a difference it seems like its worth it, until I get the next nasty look or slide comment from a professor. So Grad school is more than bad for my health its like a methadone, just an exchange of one drug for another, you'd like to be completely drug free but hopefully this will allow you to live a healthy and happy life. I don't know if I'm making any sense this has just been on my mind, and I wanted to post it. piece of advice STAY AWAY FROM GRAD SCHOOL!!

Just a little something for your Sunday



Damn Jennifer Hudson can SANG!!!

not sing but SANG

there's a difference

That's right everyone my sister in law is currently in labor right now, and soon I shall be an Auntie!!!

ranting and music

Wow I really hadn't noticed that its been so long since my last post. This school year has been kicking my ass hard, already. But its a good ass kicking... I think, I guess I'll find out later. I've gotten renewed motivation in my research, because this ass hole of a kid recently commenting on the Black Lesbian lives, that is being offered this semester, said that its the most irrelevant course ever. Really? Black lesbian lives are irrelevant and not worth being studied? I'm so glad that I found out that I have no place in studies that are supposed to be studying Black people as a whole, because obviously my life is irrelelvant. Everytime I think about what he said I get more and more angry, fortunately I wasn't there for his little speech, which later included him saying what's next a class on "Retarded Black lesbian midgets with one eye"? Isn't he a great guy? But it is people like him that make me research Black SGL (same gender loving) women. So FUCK HIM! and all of his fucked up ideologies!

On other news I've been so obsessed with music lately. I just bought Ledisi's album and it's pretty amazing! I've been playing it non stop since I got it here's a little glimpse



Thanks to After Ellen to a link to Alicia Keys' new single which I've played 10 times in a row

Alicia Keys NO ONE (new audio)
Uploaded by kurb35

For my Sisters

As I was writing a letter to my friend who is studying in Trinidad right now, this song cycled through my play list.



This is one of my favorite movies, and definitely one of my favorite parts in the movie. I loved Shug and Celie's relationship in the movie and even more in the book, because it showed women connecting on a much deeper level. Their relationship wasn't for anyone else, but it was for them.



There's just something beautiful about it. As I was writing I just wanted to insert the song in to my letter for my friend. Not just the lyrics but the smooth sound of Shug's voice the empowerment that she conveyed was just amazing. This isn't to take away from the lyrics

Sister, you've been on my mind
Sister, we're two of a kind
So, sister, I'm keepin' my eye on you.

I betcha think I don't know nothin'
But singin' the blues, oh, sister,
Have I got news for you, I'm something,
I hope you think that you're something too

Scufflin', I been up that lonesome road
And I seen alot of suns going down
Oh, but trust me,
No-o low life's gonna run me around.

So let me tell you something Sister,
Remember your name, No twister
Gonna steal your stuff away, my sister,
We sho' ain't got a whole lot of time,
So-o-o shake your shimmy Sister,
'Cause honey the 'shug' is feelin' fine.

I already posted a clip from the documentary, but every time I go to that site and see a clip I feel more and more empowered, why? Because it reminds me that I have a community out there. I'm not alone, there are other Black women struggling with the same things I am. That's when I remember how important it is for me to be out and to seek out other Black lesbians. Another clip they have posted features Hanifah Walidah talking about the necessity of having elders in your life who have been through the same thing.



I love how she points out that as precious your relationship with you mother is, you still need others. As much as I love my friends and they've been there for me through so much, I still need my Black lesbian community, because there are somethings that my friends will never understand, and that's okay. When I'm around other Black lesbians I feel at home. Its a feeling that I can not explain, and I feel good when I can encourage another sister struggling with her sexuality. Earlier this week I spoke with a sister who has long declared that she's open to having a relationship with a woman, is now struggling with the implications of this relationship now that it is a possibility to actually occur. She was saying things that I had long felt and understood, and we got to just talk. I don't know if I gave her great insight, but I told her what I needed to hear when I was dealing with my own sexuality... It is okay. Something so simple, It is okay to love who I love, and to be who God created me to be. I look at how I have changed since graduating from undergrad and how my life has changed, and I'm happy with all of the changes, because I am a stronger person for them. I still have a ways to go, but what is important is that I'm going, and on this long journey I'm not alone. I have my sisters and I know that I'll be able to make it.

Black Womyn Conversations

I'm so excited for this documentary, words can't even describe it. I'm in awe of Tiona M, and the film hasn't even come out yet, but just check out this clip. For more info check out her blog

Funk/soul

Oh Shit 2 posts in one day!!

After Ellen just put up an amazing playlist of funk/soul sistas and wow! It is on point minus Beyonce! go check it out!

Mia Michaels is the Shit!

No more explanation just watch and enjoy

Music

I looove Music!!!!

The right song is the perfect compliment to whatever you're feeling. There are the songs you play when you're mad and want to calm down and then their are songs you play when you're mad and want to stay mad. I find that most of my music is more to calm me down and keep me mellow. Have you ever found that when you put your music on shuffle sometimes you hit a few songs which are just perfect. Thats what just happened. I was listening to music and then Luther Vandross' since I lost my baby came on, and that started me off with blasting my music then next was Corinne Bailey Rae "til it happens to you" which I've included below for your pleasure.



Then we had Chaka Khan Through the fire,



and it was just beautiful so I wanted to share with you all as much as I could. What music just puts you in that place of calm, and relaxation that you crave?

Trip home

I don't see how it is that I updated more when I was in Trinidad than since I've been home. It has been a whirlwind week. I got back from Trinidad late on the 3rd and flew home to CT on the 9th. In between then I had to reclaim my house from fruit flies, try and organize/unpack a little more, and also write a paper for my Trinidad class, which I still haven't done. Fortunately I had a great time being home; I spent most of my time in some area of NYC and mainly with anacoana because it was her baby shower. The baby shower was simply amazing; it was great seeing so many people I haven't seen since I graduated a year ago. It was interesting trying to be true to who I am now as opposed to the person I was when I graduated. I didn't want to slip in to the old image of me, but I am still having a hard time completely breaking that old image and revealing the true me. This was evident in how I awkwardly was walking around with a beer, or how I had to sneak and make myself a drink so to not draw attention to me. I already had to answer a few "oh my goodness is that a beer in your hand?" which was nothing but awkward. I didn't come out to anyone this weekend and mainly kept my sexuality quiet, but this weekend wasn't about announcing my sexuality to people it was about celebrating the pending arrival of my Godson. There was only one instance in which it would have been relevant for me to announce my sexuality, and I didn't in that instance because I was involved in a debate with a "friend" about whether heterosexism was an important system of oppression. In that case I didn't feel like he was worthy of getting to know more about me.

As I said before the baby shower was beautiful, not only did I get to hang out with my best friend but I also got to chill with TS. Being around Anacoana makes me not want to get pregnant, not because she was miserable and made pregnancy look like it, but because she's like 8.5 months pregnant and is carrying it so well, and I know I won't be as fortunate. But overall she's going to be an amazing mother, and I can't wait to see what her little boy is going to look like.

I also got to hang out with my brother and sister in law and see her belly. She's about 2.5 weeks ahead of anacoana and my little nephew is already 6.5 pounds and he still has a month to go. My family doesn't have little babies; I was my mom's lightest at 8 pounds. Unfortunately my sister in law hasn't enjoyed the minimal weight gain like anacoana and has gained weight everywhere but is still beautiful and glowing. I also had a very interesting conversation with my brother concerning my sexuality. It was weird and slightly frustrating because he was asking about the elephant in the room, and I didn't feel like I was purposefully ignoring the subject of my sexuality it just didn't have any place in the conversation that we were having, he was encouraging me to talk about it more with my mom, which was weird because I don't feel like I hide anything from my mom. While I understand his point that my mom wants to talk about it more, but I simply will not be rushed/pushed on anything anymore. What I feel like my family doesn't understand is that this has nothing to do with them. My sexuality is not about them, it is about me. I understand they want to know more and be involved, but I'm not going to go at a rate that is uncomfortable to me in order to appease them, and they're just going to have to deal with it. So this has been overall a very interesting little visit.

I'm back and bored

So thanks to AfterEllen.com I discovered morphthings.com which allowed me to envision many possibilities

like what would me and Rose Rollins' daughter look like


Sorry Laura but I had to see what me and Sara Ramirez's daughter would look like and she's cute too



then Me and Staceyann Chin




then what about Rose Rollins and Staceyann Chin



me and Salma Hayek



Sara Ramirez and Jennifer Hudson...me and Laura's fantasy women



and finally another one of my fantasies me and Jennifer Hudson

Happy Emancipation Day!!!!

Today was one of the most exhilarating days that I've ever had here in Trinidad. This whole entire trip was worth it all if only for the Emancipation day parade. Today I was able to take part in an Emancipation day celebration and it was beautiful. Here in Trinidad along with some festivities building up to today, Emancipation day is celebrated with a Kambule, a procession through out Port of Spain. It was absolutely beautiful! This is how I described it in an email to someone today and it fit so I'm not going to just paste it here.

It was amazing, the solidarity, and the love. For this one day we could forget all of what the Colonizers did to try and make us forget our history our people, our heritage, and we were all African again. It was beautiful as far as my eye could see there were tons of Beautiful Black people in African clothing. It was amazing, all you heard was African music and Calypso songs about Africa and the beauty in being Black. The walk was long but beautiful filled with the beautiful beat of the drum. After today I understand more than ever how the drum is the heart beat, because the bass was so loud that I felt the beat in my heart literally and it felt like it was completely in tune with the beating of my heart. It was beautiful! As we were walking I felt like I was apart of a larger community. I felt like I was surrounded by my people and that in the end we will win. I'm trying my best to describe it, but words can't do it justice. The whole day I kept trying to take pictures, record sound, do something to capture this wonderful movement and send it on. I didn't mean to type movement but I decided to leave it because it fits so well, it’s a movement to remember our collective past and celebrate our future.

This celebration was not only for those who were forced out of Africa by the slave trade, but also those that left voluntarily years later and those who still remain there. Because Emancipation day is about remembering our past and healing/restoring ourselves. We all suffered at the hands of colonialism and this is the celebration of our continued struggle against it. I'm trying my best to describe everything I saw and felt and heard, but it’s impossible. Sometime when we were transported from Africa to the various countries we stopped being African, we became American, Trinidadian, Brazilian, Dominican etc, but today we were all one. I saw people of all ages out celebrating; children with their parents and the elderly who could barely walk, but came out to celebrate this wonderful day. Emancipation Day is something everyone needs to experience at least once in their lives, because after it you will never be the same.

thoughts before bed

I'm so tired, so this is going to be a short post, but I've been having some amazing experiences in the past couple of days. I didn't get to adequately say how much I loved Tobago, it was beautiful and I'll never forget it. I feel like I've been focusing so much on the negatives that I've been experiencing here that I've haven't talked about the good times I'm having. The Old time wedding in Tobago was great. I love how the culture has been maintained here. Obviously things have changed but I feel like they're so much more connected here than we are in the US. Tonight was a perfect example, it was the opening ceremony for the emancipation celebration. Just seeing the people of all ages join in and celebrate our history and triumphs was beautiful.

Last night all the students from my program had dinner at our professor's house and we got to mingle with other faculty. I met this amazing woman from the Women's Studies program here and she blew my mind. I intend on writing a more full post about her later, but she just inspired me and reminded me that Women of Color are feminists too and have been for just as long as white women. Well I can barely hold my eyes open, but on some more good news I've been able to pick up a fleeting signal on my laptop and have been able to get some of the cites that have been censored! So I'm feeling good!!

These words won't do any justice

I've been working on this post all weekend, going over and over in my mind how I could convey in words what I'm feeling. I am in a beautiful country and having the best and worst time ever! I love it here because I have really gotten a chance to commune with nature. I've swam with the fish, swam in the middle of the ocean hung out in a waterfall and lounged on a clear beach. I've fallen in love with the people of this country and have enjoyed this short respite from the continued presence of white privilege over me. However, I have had about enough of feeling alien because I love women.

After a near perfect day of the ocean and other cultural activities we go out and what do we hear but a song about how evil homosexuality is. Its bad enough that the song is playing but the majority of the club join in on the chorus that calls for violence against gays. At this moment I stand there amongst friends and just watch as they dance completely oblivious to the hate coming out of the speakers. I never felt more alone before. Later when I bring it up they do their best to try and understand and sympathize but they can't, because they just don't get it. Flash forward to today as I sit in class and hear our Professor talk about how many Calypso singers find homosexuality funny, and then he goes on and discusses how the idea of a Gay minister of govt is foreign to them, but not as foreign as other countries. He was only half trying to not seem completely biased and disgusted, but it was there. Then after class I have to defend all LGBT people to one of my classmates as he tries to argue that its understandable why people are homophobic and ignore LGBT people. At this point I had to fight back the urge to scream, cry and just run away from this all. This is all too much to handle at sometimes.

I want to hold on to my people and this country so tight, but I can only do this if I deny who I am. I find myself now in a bind, do I continue to blend? Or do I make a stand? Do I even have the agency and authority to make such a bold stand? Where is my safe place? Where is my place where I can go to get rejuvenated? How do I explain something that I can't even put in words to people who claim to be my friends here? Is it even worth it? These are all the questions that are constantly running through my head. I'm just at a point where I don't know where to go from here.

One of the few LGBT sites that isn't blocked is Jasmyne Cannick's blog, and while I don't agree with everything she says all the time, I do get a lot of useful information from here. She just posted this article from a local newspaper and a gay man was talking about how he doesn't have his rights, and all the ways that Trinidad and Tobago should improve in terms of its relations with LGBT people. This article let me know that by being a lesbian and not from here it is illegal for me to be here. Elton John had to get a special license to come and perform. I am absolutely astonished. I want to cling to the people here so bad because I feel like we are so similar, but I can't because I refuse to deny who I am.

My new favorite animal

Last night I saw the most amazing thing, I got a chance to see leatherback sea turtles lay their eggs. It was amazing. I felt slightly intrusive, you know basically watching a woman give birth, but it was beautiful. They only come to a few beaches in the world and this beach in Trinidad happens to be one of them. Our guide was amazing he was truly passionate about the beach and the turtles. it took us forever to get there and when we started getting close to the beach we had to go through this unpaved road through the woods just to get to the beach. The beach and the area around it are protected by the government. So once we get to the beach we are told that we can not take pictures until the specified moment. There can be no light, because it will disturb the turtles. They did a test last year and it found that they can't see red so when light is needed our guide has this red light. I'm not gonna lie I was scared, because the water was so close and it wasn't swimmable water it was very dangerous.

So we're standing there and then all of a sudden we see two huge black spots coming out of the water and we're told that those are the turtles. I'm thinking that it can't be because the spots are huge it looks like a rock. Once the turtle has begun to create a nest we go over, and its the biggest thing I've ever seen. Her back fins search the sand for a right temperature and then she digs deep and lays her eggs, while she's laying her eggs she enters a trance like state and we can take pictures because the light will no longer disturb her. We even got to touch her very lightly of course, and she really felt like leather, very smooth leather. It was amazing to see this and to see all the wonderful things the organization is doing. They've successfully blocked a hotel from building on the beach, and have literally fist fought people trying to steal, hurt or harm the turtles. Now it is one of the most protected beaches for these turtles they have hundreds of turtles come there during the season to nest. Besides from seeing the Mama turtle lay her eggs the best thing was seeing the baby turtles on head out to the sea, and they will come back to this very beach when its their turn to lay eggs. What I also loved, is that she's a free independent turtle. When they've tried to raise them in captivity they've committed suicide because they just can't be locked in. The leatherback sea turtle is definitely my new favorite Animal!

My life is Censored

I just read a very moving post over at Brownfemipower's site, taken in part from Sokari. My intention was to go over there and continue reading over at Black Looks, but when I clicked the link I found myself redirected to the University's website when I looked at the web address I saw something that made me so mad. It said "Adult lifestyle filtering". I'm sitting here absolutely puzzled as to why? I know why but that still doesn't answer the larger question of why is it that just living and breathing and being who God made us to be is seen as lewd and indecent. While here in Trinidad I tried to go to a few of my regular blogs that I read Vegankid, Sly Civilian and those two were also filtered. Its just something else that reminds me of where I'm at. So far I've loved my time here today I ate "Bake & Shark" which was delicious! I've also been just shocked looking around and seeing people of color every where, running things. The only white people I've seen have been tourists. Its been a weird and slightly delightful feeling being surrounded by all People of Color. But, then something like this happens and it reminds me that as a community we still need to deal with homophobia that is ever present in our community. I don't get why when people say Gay or Lesbian or Homosexual they whisper, especially in front of kids. I have a friend who was in a relationship with a woman for 6 months and whenever she talks about that relationship she whispers, despite the fact that she said that she is not opposed to being in another relationship with a woman.

This and in light of the post about the Black Lesbian who was tortured in South Africa just reinforces the fact that something needs to change. My online friend that I'm constantly talking to and I always talk about starting our own country or land where women of Color are safe. It would be secluded and all Women of Color and some allies, we're joking but sometimes I wish that it was a real place. I'm tired of being censored, not talking about my life in certain situations to certain people and even having to be secretive here in Trinidad, where as I type this I worry about if anyone is looking over at my computer and knows that I'm a lesbian, and what will happen if they find out. I worry about some of my travel mates who don't know that I'm a lesbian and how they will react especially the women. I'm constantly making sure that I don't make any other woman feel uncomfortable by being too close, or complimenting her in a way that she may feel like I'm hitting on her. I'm tired of censoring my life. I'm ready to get away to that safe land.

update: Vegankid I was able to see you site briefly before it blocked me again...maybe a tiny glimmer of hope, or their filter system sucks

Live From Trinidad!

Hey All I didn't think that I would be posting so soon, but we're still in the orientation phase of the trip so we have some free time. I'm experiencing something here that I haven't yet experienced, being closeted when I'm open about my sexuality. This country isn't like Jamaica where I would fear for my life for being a Lesbian, but its strongly frowned upon. One of my lesbian friends who came here last year had some interesting experiences that just made me aware that I needed to be more careful with disclosing my sexuality. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to deal with some homophobic travel mates. Its weird being here and not having my support system with me. The people who I'm definitely realizing that I depend on heavily for support, even my Internet flirt buddy, who as I think about may be more interested in being more friends. Mainly because I'm here now and I miss her, I want to talk to her but I can't. I just sent her a tipsy email a while back when I was well tipsy. I'm enjoying myself overall there are seriously some gorgeous women here, but a las no hopes of making any moves.

I hate coming out, the whole hey everyone I'm a lesbian any questions? But, I realize that I'm going to have to do so and maybe that will give me at least the courtesy of not having to hear homophobic statements.... hopefully. Again I love Trinidad it's a beautiful place and the weather is gorgeous I just miss some people.

Ohh and a Big Happy Birthday Goes out to my Best Friend! Who has finally joined the 23 club! Don't tell her but I kind of miss her a whole lot, but SHHHHH! LOL

Trinidad Here I come!!!

Tomorrow morning I will be on my way to the beautiful Islands of Trinidad and Tobago!!!
I'm gonna be gone for 3 weeks for a Study Abroad, but I'll have internet access so I may be able to update occasionally. But it'll be a little slow for a while. See you all when I get back!!

Tonya W Call me

Your True Love's Name Is

Tonya W.

What's Your True Love's Name?

I'm not as radical as I thought

You Are 56% Politically Radical

You've got some radical viewpoints, but you aren't completely nuts. You're more of a visionary than a radical.

Are You a Political Radical?

Damn she's beautiful

This picture of the lovely America Ferrera was up at After Ellen and wow she's beautiful!! Just thought I'd share.

on my mind...

So my dear friends in blog world I got a girl on my mind. Yes yes I know, its so unlike me to be thinking about women ;-) This girl is a friend of a friend who lives about 5 hours from me, and I've been talking to her everyday for several hours online, for about 3 weeks. We've both been out for about 1 year, we both care deeply about oppressed people and also come from religious backgrounds. We just really vibe! I really can't explain it any other way than we just vibe together. I really enjoy talking to her, and we flirt like crazy, I'm not gonna lie its pretty obvious. So while this may sound all well and good I'm not sure what I want from her or this whatever it is. This post is pretty pointless but its about 3 am she got offline early and I'm thinking about her. This is so frustrating, because like I said in a previous post we both are shy when it comes to romance, so neither one of us has said explicitly that we like each other, but I'm fairly confident that she likes me. My best friend told me to just ride it out, which I intend to but I'm obsessing over it now. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because I don't know if I want a relationship with her at this point in my life, but I'm growing frustrated with just riding it out.

moving

WOOO HOOO I'm moving!!!!

I just signed the lease to my new place, and got my keys! I'm so excited!

I'm moving from an itty bitty studio, which is really just a room with a kitchen and bathroom. Now I'm moving in to a wonderful 1 bedroom apt with my own private backyard. Today I just sat in my empty apt and planned all of what I'm going to do. Being in my new place makes me abhor my current apartment. I even did a little happy dance lol. I'll post some pics soon as I get settled.


This is really me because I'm moving by myself with a laundry cart

Look at Freddie

Okay I was such a huuge fan of "A Different World" when I was younger. So I was shocked to see little Freddie all grown up and singing! She doesn't sound half bad either. I found this video of hers and its kind of great. Even though my former fundie self makes me weary because she says the Lord can't save you, and I'm sorry I know its one part but I'm a recovering fundie. But still this video is amazing and she's absolutely beautiful!



Thanks to Wikipedia I find out that she was raised on a reservation in Canada and a member of the plains Cree first nation. She's pretty great!

this blog is rated R

Mingle² - Online Dating

apparently because I said
gay 4x
Lesbian 2x
and pissed 1x


via a very sanctimonious G rated BFP

for your blogging pleasure

Oh my Blogosphere!
There are lots of very good posts up and I thought I'd share them with you all.

Keith Boykin gets an exclusive interview with Isaiah Washington about his recent firing. I think Isaiah's statements add an interesting dynamic to the whole controversy. However, it seems like he's not accepting the full responsibility for his actions.

Keith Boykin also calls out oh Dubya on his "culture of death".

A gay NJ high school couple has their picture blacked out because of it's "illicit" content.

Pomegranate Queen brilliantly talks about the Intersections of Violence. She's Freaking Brilliant!

Kameela Writes uses photography to show how Black hair is political. Thanks BFP for the link!

After 43 years finally there's some justice!

AfterEllen reminds us why some commercials/ads make you homicidal.... or maybe thats just me.

DL Hughley is an ass hole! Thanks BFP for the info and links

Oh and there's a new Blog on the block! Someone else I know in real life... my secret identity is becoming harder to maintain.

Here's a pic of the lovely Rose Rollins. Why? because she's beautiful. duh!

I like to Laugh

Okay so I've been obsessed with gay comics lately. Laughing is great, so I thought I'd share some of my favorites

first up we have Charlie Ballard who I saw on Logo and he's absolutely hilarious!





Then we have Sandra Valls who I am absolutely in love with!! She's gorgeous and funny as hell. You should definitely catch her on Latin Divas of comedy if you can. This is where I first saw here...once again on logo. Oh did I mention she's super hot!





There's also Elvira Kurt who actually came to my god forsaken town and I missed her





This is for all my L word fans, Marga Gomez!

I love my mommy

Keith Boykin posted a picture of him and his mother on his site, and was talking about their relationship. That just got me thinking about my mother. We definitely did not have the best of relationships when I was growing up, but it’s a lot better now. My mother battled addiction when I was younger, but she never got so strung out that we didn't have what we needed, we never went hungry. She always did the best she could do, and as I get older I recognize her more for all she's done and continues to do. All of my siblings know that too, we know that no matter what our mom will always be there for us. I called her on Sunday to wish her a happy father's day, because she's truly been mother and father my whole life. When I was talking to her today she said that all of my siblings had called her on Saturday to ask her for money. Now while it may appear that we're all being spoiled, I think it signals something more. My brother is 34 years old and he called too because we know that our mother would never deny us anything we needed. Now if we call her with some foolishness she will say no in a hurry.

As I struggled with my sexuality and the inevitable question about coming out to my mom came up, I was afraid, but never too afraid. Because, I knew that no matter what my mom would always love me. Me and my mother are a lot alike we have the same personality, which is why we butt heads so much. However, our similar personality is also what helps me to understand her. My mother is the one who planted the seed of Black studies in me, years ago. My mom was kicked out of her high school because she refused to be silent about the racism in her school. She never raised us with the standard little girls do this and that; she let us define our own gender identity, which I'm truly appreciative of. She's always been committed to education and got her Bachelor's degree a week before I got mine. Now she's pursuing her master’s degree and really pushing forward with her life.

As a lot of my friends and family are having children I think about the relationship between mother and child a lot. Even though my mother didn't say the words I love you often, I knew it. She showed it in walking to the hospital with my brother in her hands when he was younger and having an asthma attack. When she quit taking night classes because we wanted her home more, in going to rehab when she knew she couldn't manage her addiction again. My mom showed me and my siblings love, and because of that her imperfections mean nothing. To me my mom is the perfect mom, and I'm truly thankful for her.

This is my favorite picture of the two of us

8 things about me

Yay Vegankid tagged me !

Rules: Each person posts the rules before their list, then they list 8 things about themselves. At the end of the post, that person tags and links to 8 other people; then visits those people’s sites and comments, letting them know that they have been tagged, and to come read the post, so they know what they have to do.

1. I'm moving next week!
2. My best friends are like my family
   
3. Even after doing well in grad school I still doubt my academic abilities
   
4. I'm considered short by some, but I'm average height!
5. I think Androgynous women are hot!
6. Every year I wish my mom a happy father's day.
   
7. my fake love life is more interesting than my real love life
   
8. I hate to be embarrassed!

okay now I tag Anacoana, Di, Brownfemipower, Laura Luna, Sly Civilian, Fab , Darkmind, and Jason

My first Pride

I just got back from my very first pride celebration. I had a ball!! It was so much fun!

issues that I had not completely resolved, in going to a Pride parade signaled to me something that I wasn't completely ready to accept before, complete acceptance of who I am. I talk a good talk, but I'm still struggling. So the whole idea of pride just made me really anxious. I felt bad because I didn't feel like I had any pride, and then I felt like there would be a Queer measuring stick that I didn't necessarily measure up to. When talking about this with my best friend she wisely said that maybe pride was about going there with none and coming back with some. II've been having a lot of anxiety about going before. Going to pride made me confront a lot of definitely have to say that that's exactly what happened. I feel so much better about everything; I'm no longer so terrified that people from my undergrad were going to find out the truth. There might be some facebook pictures and I'm okay with that.

Yesterday was the parade and I thought that I had prepped myself but as I began to walk to the spot where I was going to watch the parade, I began to freak out. My heart was racing and I was shaking. I called my best friend in a panic, after she calmed me down and I hung up. Immediately these two guys complimented me on my earrings, and then we started talking and they invited me to walk around with them. They were so nice and I hung out with them for most of the night. Then when I left them, I ran in to a girl who was in one of my classes. It was funny because we both looked at each other and said "What are yoou doing here?!” It was great, because once again I wasn't walking around by myself. The rest of the night got really weird but that’s not what’s important. Today there was just a general festival, and I went by myself hoping to meet people again, but I just ended up hanging out on the grass for a while by myself. I ran in to some girls from a program that I had presented for before. It was nice because I didn't even know that one of them was a lesbian, and there program isn't exactly gay friendly, but they had found each other and banded together. What made me happier is that she remembered me and was happy to see me, while I was presenting she looked real bored, but I made an impact.

I saw so many young kids, holding hands with their boyfriends and girlfriends and not caring, it was beautiful. I saw older people walking around happy and enjoying the day. It was so nice to not have to worry about being seen, people finding out. It was beautiful! I felt so proud and so happy. Then I got to hang out with the girl from my class later, and we did the electric slide on stage, and had a great view of the drag show, and just got to talk about being out on our campus. It was beautiful! I had such a great time and a lot of my anxiety about being out has dissipated, because I know I'm not alone!

Here are some pictures from the Drag Queen show tonight and some stuff I bought

This is part of an airbrush tattoo I got on my arm

I added a pride flag to my flag collection on my wall


A cool incense holder I bought (ignore the stuff in the background lol )

The Queen of Pride

Singing Dear Mr. President

Life is a highway, I'm gonna ride it all night long!

Some pride balloons in the air

I cut of their heads but they just got engaged

Call me Mrs. DiFranco?

Okay I promise I will stop posting random surveys and quizzes soon, but my brain has shut down and therefore not allowed me to get anything done, or think. So here's my last one. I just need to let Ani DiFranco know that apparently we're supposed to be together. Maybe I should listen to some of her music

Lesbian Matchmaker

MEET ANI DiFRANCO! Ani is one non-conformist woman who enjoys singing, playing guitar, and writing poetry. Some days the line she walksturns out to be straight. She has no criteria for sex or race. She just wants to hear your voice and see your face. But if you think you should feel leary by Ani's being attracted to men also, then that's your loss. Judging a woman souly on not being 100% lesbain would mean missing out on the opportunity to be under the arm of one of todays most influential feminists. Just imagine this amazing woman is on stage and you're surrounded by thousands of screaming fans... but to the two of you, at this very moment, they don't even exist.
Take this quiz!








Quizilla |
Join

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

oh boredom

I'm bored so therefore we have blogthings

I'm keeping this one

Your Boobies' Names Are...

Venus and Serena

Boobie Name Generator

Your Linguistic Profile:

45% General American English 35% Yankee 10% Dixie 5% Upper Midwestern 0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Your Heart Is Green

Love completes you, but that doesn't mean you seek it out. When love comes your way, you integrate it peacefully into the rest of you life. Your flirting style: Laid back Your lucky first date: Walking around aimlessly and talking Your dream lover: Is both enthusiastic and calm What you bring to relationships: Balance

What Color Heart Do You Have?

You Are In a Fantastic Mood

You're confident, focused, and on top of your game. People are attracted to your energy right now. This is the time to go for it - you're likely to get what you want!

What Mood Are You In?

Your 1996 Theme Song Is: California Love by Tupac and Dre

Let me serenade the streets of L.A. From Oakland to Sacktown The Bay Area and back down Cali is where they put they mack down Give me love!

What's Your 1996 Theme Song?

You Should Rule Mercury

Close to sun, Mercury has very long days - and is rarely visible to the rest of the solar system. You are perfect to rule Mercury, because you live for the present - and can truly enjoy a day that goes on forever. Like Mercury, you are quick and elusive. Your wit is outstanding, and you can win any verbal sparring match. Some people see you as superficial, but in truth, you just play many roles and have many interests. A great manipulator, you usually get what you want from people. And they're happy to give it to you.

What Planet Should You Rule?

You Are New York

Cosmopolitan and sophisticated, you enjoy the newest in food, art, and culture. You also appreciate a good amount of grit - and very little shocks you. You're competitive, driven, and very likely to succeed. Famous people from New York: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Tupac Shakur, Woody Allen

What American City Are You?

Your Power Element is Fire

Your power color: red Your energy: hot Your season: spring Like a fire, you are full of power and light. A born leader, you easily draw people toward you. You are full of courage and usually up for anything dangerous. You have a huge ego and love to be the center of attention.

What's Your Power Element?

You Were a Crow

Eternally wise, you have a deep understand of ethics. You guide people from the darkness to the light.

What Animal Were You In a Past Life?

You Are the Middle Finger

A bit fragile and dependent on your friends, you're not nearly as hostile as you seem. You are balanced, easy to get along with, and quite serious. However, you can get angry and fed up with those around you. And you aren't afraid to show it! You get along well with: The Index Finger Stay away from: The Pinky

What Finger Are You?

Its my anniversary

So as of today I've been blogging for a whole entire year. Here's a repost of my first post

This is the beginning of my blog. I guess I'm going to use this as a place to rant and rave and just let out the way I'm feeling. Anyways I know that I have a lot that I need to work on in my life, and this blog will be my way to document my journey to enlightenment, at the end I hope to be enlightened personally, politically and academically. I am about to move to a new town in a different region to go to grad school. I am really excited about this because I think this move will finally allow me to establish myself as an individual. I hope to really gain some independence and stability. I don't know how to explain myself, my whole entire life I have never truly followed my own desires. I have always felt the need to fit some mold, it's like I've been living by some script. So now I'm 22 years old and I'm sure about very little now a days. In two months I will be starting a masters program and I am scared to death. I'm terrified that I won't be able to do it, I'm afraid that they'll look at me and wonder how I graduated college. I'm terrified that grad school will be a repeat of college. One of the main things that I am confused about is my sexuality, I always find it hard to write. I've been struggling to figure out where I stand for sometime, I haven't told anyone about my dilemma, as I've come to call it. I figured this blog would be a good place to voice what I'm going through to someone other than myself. It's all about baby steps, right? I'll go more in to it later. I guess this is it for my first post.

I need to be numb, I need not to feel not to think not to worry. I just need to be numb, because no solution is good enough. I'm pissed that my aunt has just been a doormat for various men in her life, they've used her body, given her AIDS, given her bruises, given her nothing but hell and there's nothing I can do. I can call a number, I can call her, I can do a multitude of things but what if none of it works? What then? what do I say to my lil cousins ? I have so much rage coursing through my body that I can barely think straight. She deserves so much better than this, she's lived a life of nothing but pain and there's nothing I can do. My mom says that every man that she's been with has hit her. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? is that supposed to make it better. I have tons of options but none of them seem to be good enough. Nothing will make me feel better than to see him dead. My anger has done nothing but grown all day. My little sister called me crying because she feels helpless like me, I told her tons of things shit that I don't even believe. Shit that I know will do nothing to soothe her because it didn't soothe me. I can't get home right now and all I want to do is be home. Be there to look at my aunt's swollen face and tell her how much I love her and how she deserves so much more than this. I don't think a phone call could do it. I want to hold my lil cousins while they cry I want to stab that man in his heart.

Someone please tell me what I'm supposed to do

Someone, anyone please tell me what I'm supposed to do! I just called my mom to tell her about my new apt, when she tells me that my aunt who has been having some problems lately just got beat up by her boyfriend. This man punched her in the face and then proceeded to stomp her and then threaten to kill her and her children if she ever cheats on him. My little cousins were witness to this all. She doesn't want to press charges and is back over his house today all black and blue and swollen. He tried to take her to someone's house to be beaten up.

I want someone to tell me what I'm supposed to do! How do I take all of my readings on black women and our lives and help my aunt? How do I help my aunt who is HIV positive, in an abusive relationship, smoking too much weed and isn't relating to her children? What do I do? I'm just so FUCKING tired of this world where this happens and I'm left completely helpless.

pride

Its June so that means pride season is upon us. This is going to be my first time going and to be perfectly honest I'm nervous, I'm anxious, I'm scared...I'm feeling a mix of so many emotions. I talked about it with my best friend and she definitely helped me process a lot of my feelings. So I'm feeling a lot more at ease about the whole thing. But what's beginning to weigh on me is the fact that I'm not really out, there are still a lot of people who don't know that I'm a lesbian, a lot of my family members, friends from undergrad. One of my friend's from undergrad came out not so long ago and put it up on facebook, and myspace, and I'm not brave enough to do that. I'm mad at myself because I feel like I don't have any pride. One of my friends just put this picture up as their profile pic on myspace and I really like it and want to put it up somewhere, but doing that would out me and thats scary. I want to be more out, but I feel like I rushed it in a lot of ways already and I wasn't ready for the conversations that had to come after me coming out. I've realized that coming out is definitely a process and its overwhelming at times. Sometimes I feel like I'm watching my life spin out of control. I'm such a planner, and coming out wasn't a part of my initial plan. I'm so confused I feel like I'm at an impass, I don't know where to go from here.

I don't get women...

I don't get women...me included.

One of the first girls that I've seriously had a crush on since being in grad school is so damned complicated and confusing. She sends tons of mixed signals, one minute she's inviting herself over for dinner and drinks and flirting with me then she's flirting with my friends and says she's no longer single. Now I haven't heard from her in several weeks and then she writes on my facebook wall "thinkin' bout you" ........I'm so confused. She made it very clear before that she was involved with someone and now she's been thinkin' bout me? That's not something you write to a platonic friend. She makes no sense, and neither do I because despite having several very prominent STOP signs concerning her I'm still completely infatuated with her. She has this certain vibe that's completely irresistible, but I'm completely aware that she has the potential to do nothing but break my heart...but it’s still hard for me to stay away. I make no sense!


Then I'm also mad at myself for being slightly shallow, because there is this other girl who is a friend of a friend, and we've been talking back and forth via facebook. She's very conscious and dedicated to the cause, she possesses a lot of the qualities that I want in a woman, but I don't find her attractive at all, and because of that I've been hesitant to pursue anything with her (she also lives 5 hours away). But, she's confusing also because she's shy like me and therefore not very open about her feelings towards me. There have been some flirty messages, but even those are debatable. So I'm completely confused!

Chicana feminists make my heart smile!

I've been falling off lately with the blogging, trying to get in to a schedule now that its summer time. So I'm have some more posts coming but in the meantime check out two of my favorite Chicana feminists....

My real life friend Di over at La Oscuridad Necesaria has finally posted again and has dedicated her site to increasing the visibility of Chicana feminists in the arts. She's an amazing poet, writer and all around great person, who's love life is going to make me a famous film maker some day :D

BFP with her post on La Vendida which is absolutely amazing and has solidified my love for BFP so here is my formal proposal to BFP I know you're already married, but I don't mind sharing :D
In an effort to not contribute to the destruction of Africa this is not a diamond... So what do you say BFP?

I'm letting go

I've been going back and forth on what my 100th post would be, there's been so much going on, but today I had dinner with my former best friend from High School, and as I sat there I realized that I was confident in who I am. But more than anything this recent trip home has allowed me to let a lot of things go. I've had a chance to say my final goodbye to my undergraduate institution. I went to graduation, and that's really it. I don't foresee me going back there anytime soon. So its time to let go, but I'm also letting go of my home. My mom's home, I'm letting go, this is no longer my home. My mom has moved her Fiancée in, and everything is just different. My home is wherever I create it to be, and my mother's house is not it. So I'm finally letting go of the notion that her house is where I belong, and with that I'm no longer going to stress myself out about it. When I leave this home tomorrow, I'm leaving all the trauma that I endured here right here. I'm not carrying that with me anymore. I'm looking out for me from now on. I'm leaving the person that lived in this town here, and when I do come back and visit, I'm not picking her back up. It's really a time to let go I've come to realize. When I go back to the south I'm going to start looking for a new apartment, and that's going to be my home. I'm just realizing its time to grow up, move on, let go and be free.

There are interlopers in my house!!

There are interlopers in my house and I don't know what to do. I literally just arrived home home, to find the man my mom rented my room out to, and her fiancee. My house that was once a completely female environment now has men. I can't help but be hesitant because the last few men the broke in to our sanctum forever changed it for the worst. Now after 4 months my mom says that she's in love and ready to get married, and I want to be happy for her I really do, but I can't help but be weary. I don't want her to be hurt again, but there's nothing I can do now. She has made her choice, she chose this man, and I hope it all works out. My childhood was far from perfect, it was filled with a perpetual state of chaos but in between the drama and the trauma were some really good times. I loved living in a completely female centered house, but now that has all changed and even though I no longer live at home, when I come home I still want that there. sigh I hope it all works out

Music time

Music time!!!

So I'm really not a rock fan, I actually abhor 99% of the rock that I hear, but I really like this song



I was just recently introduced to Nina Simone and WOW I'm in love she's great!!

I listen to this song a million times in a row

I'm not a big fan of this video, especially since learning of its origin. It's from the play the Roar of the Greasepaint-the Smell of the crowd. When this song is sung, its sung by a former slave, and she's singing about her new life in freedom. This video really doesn't really convey that message...regardless the song is still amazing!!


and how can you not love a song called young gifted and Black

pretty self explanatory

Choice

So I've been thinking about a couple of things, mainly the subject of choice. Not choice as we think in terms of reproduction but rather choice as it applies to our sexuality. I was reading this book This is what a Lesbian looks like and it is actually pretty good, from what I've read so far. And one author touched briefly on the idea of choice in the LGBT community. She only mentioned it in a footnote but the notion really caught my attention. She said

"I'm purposely using the term preference. While many people may have a sexual orientation, many others- straight and queer - may not. The sexual liberation movement did not always use the term orientation, and I believe its coinage was part of the strategy that moved us into a civil rights framework, the idea being that if we fuck others of the same sex because we are more deserving of civil rights. Choice has been completely discounted. In my opinion, the orientation argument seems to be little more than Don't be mean to us poor homosexuals. We can't help it. It is important to also argue for the right of an individual to choose homosexuality if that makes sense to them. I chose to be a dyke (because I love women and honestly, the sex is better), and it's the best decision I ever made!"
Karen Bullock-Jordan, "Girls just want to have fun" in This is what a Lesbian looks like Ithaca, NY :Firebrand Books (1999)

This is something that I never ever thought about, I really liked a lot of what she said in this article, because it caused me to question a lot of my assumptions about sex. Just her notion about sexual preference opened my eyes, and really exposed how much I'm still struggling with my own sexuality (not like I needed much reminding). I'm still in the stage of not complete acceptance, I talk a good game and can put on airs, but deep down I'm still very scared and insecure, and I often feel very alone. Unfortunately you're not allowed to say this to hetero people, because if you say that then they immediately try and work in the idea that you can pray this out of you. I can't convey to them, how even though I'm insecure I'm still very secure. I know that I am a lesbian, I know that! I'm not confused about that, but with that knowledge comes great debate, confusion and a fight for acceptance. So I definitely feel like I'm one of the people that Karen Bullock-Jordan was criticizing with the attitude, of don't be mean I can't help it. Because coming up against such criticism with my sexuality, that’s the notion that I've been holding on to. I try to give off the perception that I'm completely at ease with my sexuality and think its great for everyone, but truth be told I believe I reject the notion of preference, because in my mind if its a choice you have to make another one. I don't think that I'll always feel like this, but this is still very new to me and this is where I'm at right now.

But why can't there be sexual preference? Why can't people choose to not fall in line with heterosexual norms? What harm are we doing in denying the presence of choice?

I think it’s the silence surrounding this issue and the internalized heterosexism that has allowed for this conversation to be pushed to the back burner. I don't know about every one else, but I know that's my reason. I think oppressed people are reluctant to admit to how much of "the system" they have bought in to, and continues to be apart of us. We can talk in the past tense, but not the present. Last night I went out with a bunch of people from my program and this one guy who is very "conscious" told me that he has never dated brown or dark skin women, but rather all of his exes are light skinned with long hair and little curves. He admitted, only while drunk, that he has not broken with the Eurocentric standards that he was raised with. Why is that such a hard thing to admit? As oppressed people we are denied the right to be complete humans, we are typically seen as one dimensional people, and we replicate that standard within our communities. We only want to see the confident people, and oddly enough within the LGBT community while we claim that we are trying to encourage an out and truthful life, I feel like this has led to more silence and lies. Karen Bullock-Jordan in her essay was speaking to the desexualization of homosexuality; she really saw sex in a different way than many people I have encountered. I really appreciated her article because she really truly challenged heterosexism, and in doing so she made me see the true harm it caused. There is the idea that a woman is not a lesbian if she has ever had a relationship with a man that she enjoyed, I'm thinking specifically about Sheryl Swoopes, I remember hearing talk about how she was really bi because when she was with her ex husband she truly loved him and enjoyed the sex. We have such limiting notions of sex and sexuality, that we become really judgmental.

I like the title of the book , This is what a lesbian looks like, because it really speaks to the lack of variation that we see when we think of a Queer person. I have become obsessed with anything having to deal with coming out, for obvious reasons, but a large amount of what I see everyone always says they've known since they were in the womb or something to that effect. It's not hard to wonder why that is so prevalent, when you look at Oprah, and when she interviewed Terry McMillan's ex husband she refused to accept that he wasn't sure of his sexuality until later in life. She made it seem as if it were an impossibility.

As my professor would say, so what? and that's what I'm looking to an answer for, I don't know where to go from here or how to further engage this notion, but I'm open to any comments and suggestions. What do we do with the notion of choice?