Freaks and masks

So while I was writing a post about the march and my first day in DC I get a call from my friend from high school calls me, and we agree to meet up at a local bar and catch up. I haven't seen her in a good 6 years. Realizing that we're about to meet up, I realize shit I'm going to have to come out to her. I haven't had to come out to anyone in a while, and I still get nervous. So it was nice, I rambled and we reminisced and talked about where we are now. Afterward it got me thinking, because I put up my mask, I talked about my life as if I was completely comfortable and secure about everything, but clearly I'm not. So I talked, I listened, we hugged and made plans to get together during thanksgiving.

But, later when I was walking back to my hotel, all of these thoughts came to my mind, about where I'm at in my life. Where I wanna be, how I'm sick of being single, sick of being a virgin. I was thinking about how much I've changed since High School, and I still feel insecure about it all. I still feel like a freak 90% of the time. So I get back to my hotel and I start to look at my books that I bought, and I stopped at Lambda Rising and bought the 2nd edition of Does Your Mama Know? Which when I was first coming out was my life saver. I clung to it like it was the last bit of air on earth. So I was looking at some of the new stories and I stopped at Olive Demetrius', and you all know I love me some UPeople lol. And I identified so much with her story I felt so much better, instantly. It was the same feeling that I got when I was in KY watching UPeople, or reading the first edition of the book. Even though I've come a long way, there are still times where I fear that my world is going to come crashing down, because I'm gay, where I fear for everythiing and I think that I'm truly a freak because, no one else seems to have the same issues that I'm having. That's why these stories are so important because even though you can be surrounded by a million people you can still be lonely, and these stories help me feel a little less lonely.

We Wear the Mask

WE wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

Damsel

Is there room to be both a Radical Queer Woman of Color and a Damsel?

(start at about 4 mins in)


I've been obsessed with Crystal Monee Hall since I saw her at Rivers of Honey a couple of weeks ago. She's amazing and has this song called Damsel which I've been listening to non stop on youtube (since that's the only place I can find it). In her song she tells this woman, that she can love her, show her love and asks her to open her self to her she'll save her. I love everything about this song, her voice, her words and just the groove of it. I would absolutely melt if a woman ever sang this song to me, and I have to admit that the idea of being the Damsel is appealing. How often do we get the opportunity to just be and have someone say don't worry I got you? Now of course, I don't want this all the time 24/7 I want my own agency, but wouldn't it be nice just for a little bit to be able to sit back and just be, and have someone say they're gonna take your distress. Especially as QWOC who in the hell is really offering that?

I guess what really appeals to me about this song goes beyond my own aspirations to have someone save me on some level, but it rekindled the idea that I can still have my own version of a fairy tale. But, My prince doesn't have to be a blond white boy but, a thick beautiful Black Princess with locs and an amazing voice. Oh the possibilities!

Me

Something has been really bothering me lately, it feels like there is so much resistance to me just being me. I feel like in order to "fit" I need to change so many aspects of myself. From the way I dress, to how I live my life. It seems like whatever I do just isn't enough. It isn't ok and I'm so over it. I feel this particularly when it comes to dating. I'm neither butch nor femme or androgynous. I'm just me, my style is very much for comfort, most days I'm wearing jeans, t-shirt and head scarf; and that's how I'm comfortable dressing. I don't like heels, I can't walk in them and they hurt my feet, so I don't wear them anymore simple. I don't wear make up, and I could careless about whether my nail polish is all there. Those things just aren't important to me. Sometimes I like to show of the Venus and Serena with a nice low cut shirt, and I don't like my clothes to be overly loose are tight fitting. This is just who I am, and I'm tired of being made to feel like I need to change these aspects of myself. Unfortunately it seems like to get a date I need to change in some way, dress up, dress down, become more butch or more femme. But, that's not me. QuarterlifeQueer posted an amazing post not too long ago, about life in the middle, and its absolutely beautiful and definitely on time. So often, we are forgotten, us who switch it up and just live in the gray area of an already gray community.

I'm also not one of those extra granola dykes. I care about the environment and what's going on with the earth, but I also like my degree deodorant. If that makes me a hypocrite then so be it. I'm a meat eater and I'm not gonna change that, I even, gasp, eat pork! I know scandalous right? I also like to get drunk every now and then. I reserve the right to be all of this and so much more and I'm not changing any time soon, and if I change it will be my choice and not because I felt pressured.
Yes I'm 25 years old and still a virgin, no I'm not happy about it, but I'm not ashamed either. I'm also not a puppy to be put on display as the 25 yr old virgin. I've also been out for 3 years and haven't been in a relationship with a woman or even kissed a woman, and it has nothing to do with me being unsure about my sexuality. Sure I wish things were different, but they're not. This is my life, these are my experiences. I guess this is all apart of reclaiming me, because this is who I am and I'm tired of feeling bad for it. Hopefully this won't mean that I'm single for the next 30 years, but you know what if changing who I am is what it takes to find someone fuck it! I'll be single.

Being the angry black woman isn't so bad

I've been thinking a lot about this past year and the many ways that I've changed and haven't been myself. I realized that this past year I have not been as angry as I have been in the past. I'm an angry person, and its actually not as bad as it sounds. I've always been accused of being angry. I was the angry baby, I was the angry Black woman. I've never seen my anger as a bad thing, its been the outward expression of my passion for all things that mean anything to me. I realized that I've lost some of my anger this past Sunday when I got angry again and it felt good.

This past Sunday I was in central park for the summer stage concert series. I was having a good time, enjoying the music hanging with friends and laughing at the hot mess that was Jon B's performance. Then the DJ asked the audience if we wanted to hear reggae, the crowd started cheering and after the next performance her played a reggae mix. Which of course had to include Buju Banton's Boom bye bye. I'm not even going to post lyrics google them if you haven't already heard about this song. Basic message kill the gays, they're nasty. I got so infuriated that I went up to the WBLS table who was sponsoring the event to complain, but the guys there were just volunteers. I still voiced my complaint and went back to my friends trying to be easy but when he played TOK's song Chi Chi man, same premise as Buju's song. That was it, I went up to the VIP area closest to the stage and asked who I could speak to about the DJ. I ended up talking to the venue manager and I went the fuck off. It felt so good. I told him about how offensive the song was, I told I wanted to find out why the DJ felt like that song would be a good one to play. He said its freedom of speech and people can say whatever they want. That really got me, needless to say it went back and forth for a bit more, before I walked away with the manager saying he'd pass on my complaint. He probably didn't but what was important is that I got it out and it felt fucking good. Now don't get me wrong I was still mad for a good while after, but once I calmed down it felt fucking good. I got back in touch with my anger, and I've missed it.

This past year instead of getting mad at the people who deserved my anger I've been internalizing it and I've been worst off for it. So I'm getting back in touch of my anger, I'm gonna yell when I need to, scream when I need to and cuss people out when they deserve it because being the angry black woman isn't so bad.

Tired

Do you ever get tired?

Not tired after being on your feet all day at work, or running around doing errands, but just tired of all the bull shit in the world namely all these damn hierarchies. Because, right now I'm really tired. I'm tired of always being in the fucking minority. I'm tired of being gay in a straight world, Black in a white world and a woman in a male world. However, right now I'm especially tired of being gay in a straight world. I'm lucky that I have a few incredible straight friends that allow me to drag them to all these gay events with relatively few objections, but its tiring always being on the outside. I go to these amazing events full of beautiful Queer folks and I'm rejuvenated and energized and then I have to leave that space and deal with ignorance from friends, family and the world at large. I'm tired of being the lone voice of dissent with ignorant comments, and I'm tired of educating others. I'm just so fucking tired. I like to see some version of myself in almost every aspect of my life. So I like watching TV and movies with Queer actors, reading books with Queer characters, and listening to music by Queer musicians (even though I have very few Queer music groups on my ipod), but when I do this and support these works then I'm being biased because I'm gay. I think this is largely due to me being constantly viewed as a special interest, and its fucking annoying.
What really set me off was Beyonce's song "If I was a boy", while I have no problem with her writing a song about being on the other side of her relationship, and I don't think everythinig should be catered to include me, people have the right to write about their experience (now that that disclaimer is out of the way). But, what specifically set me off about that song is where she says

"If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl "

The first thing I thought when I heard those lyrics, was well there are millions of women who know how it feels to love a girl, and it ain't got shit to do with being a boy. Like I said before I get it she wasn't talking about us, (which she has every right to do) but it just reiterated to me how often people aren't talking to us. All those stupid fucking generalizations about what every woman wants which always invariably have something to do with some type of man, which doesn't even apply to all hetero women, but it especially excludes Queer women. I'm just tired of having to be understanding at my exclusion.
I'm just so very tired.

Please Stop Niecy Nash!

So a few weeks ago me and my sister got into an argument over Niecy Nash. We were watching Clean house and I was so bothered by her, I definitely felt like she was sort of mammyish. She was full of girlfriends, and honey and listen to mama. And I'm just tired of seeing Black women portrayed that way, especially by Black women. I recognize that that's her character and that's how she's making money but damn at what expense? I'm not saying that Black actresses have to all be Claire Huxtable but can we stay away from reinforcing stereotypes. My opinion was reinforced when I saw her on the Wendy Williams show. She seemed fairly cool but I was too through when I found out that she had creative licensce behind her character and particularly her appearance. Which is particularly a problem when it came to her red carpet outfit at the Hollywood premiere. She put on a prosthetic butt which she proudly showed off in a bathing suit. If this isn't reminisent of the Hottentot venus I don't know what is.


What's really horrible are all the comments under this picture. Some of the worst are

picho Mon, Jul 21, 2008 at 08:18 PM EST

I only watched the Reno movie because I saw her in a swimsuit in the trailer....I was completely erect whenever she was onscreen!! She has a fine-ass body!!

drools Fri, Jun 13, 2008 at 11:34 PM EST

my dick is so hard i was jacking off on her ass during the movie

mila Wed, Feb 21, 2007 at 12:39 AM EST

Hmmmm....they're right black IS better

Like I said I get it, you need to make money, but was it really necessary to do it at the detriment to all Black women? I saw a picture of her and her daughter and it was a very nice and sweet picture, but when her daughter is grown and some ignorant ass comes up to her and says some slick shit about her butt, or some dumb white girl comes up to her and says hey girlfriend. Will Niecy Nash feel at all culpable in perpetuating this image of Black women?

I fell in love Sunday Night

I just had the amazing pleasure of seeing Lenelle Moise in her play Expatriate. It was amazing, hands down the best play I've ever seen. The descriptions I've seen of the play don't do it justice. The play is more than the story of 2 women who leave the U.S. to escape all the various isms in the U.S. Its really about the very real and complicated relationship between 2 longtime friends Claudie and Althine. I absolutely fell in love with the main character Claudie. I identified with her so much minus lusting after the best friend. She was so real and troubled. I love how Lenelle Moise was able to show how someone can have a life's worth of baggage and issues and still manage to be a whole person. Then there is Althine who is such a familiar character. I feel like everyone has an Althine in their life. You watch Althine go down this self destructive path and you are rooting for her the whole time. the combination of supeb acting and amazing music completely pulled you in. The fusion of jazz, and jazz influenced music just captivated me. The play starred Lenelle Moise and also Karla Mosley who played Althine. Mosley was amazing (I know how many times can I use amazing, but there really is no other word to describe this play). Karla Mosley really owned the character of Althine she made you feel everything Althine was. I will give away that Althine does struggle with addiction, and Karla Mosley played the cracked out singer role so well I felt like I was watching Whitney Houston on Being Bobby Brown. I found myself sitting there and just wondering how I managed to see this amazing play. I wondered how did she create this piece. I love how Claudie is a Lesbian in the play and sexuality is definitely a large part of this work, but its not the only piece. It is not a tragic coming out story, or the same tired story of the poor lesbian forever lusting after her unsuspecting best friend.

Even though Karla Mosley was stunning, I have fallen completely in love with Lenelle Moise, seriously COMPLETELY in love with her. I love a strong intelligent beautiful woman, and Lenelle Moise is all that and more. She not only starred in the play but she also wrote and composed it. I was lucky enough to get a front row center seat for the play and at one point she glanced down and her eyes were piercing. I saw all the passion and emotion she brought to this role. I went on the night where there was a talk back session about Black Queer protagonists and when she came back out she literally took my breath away she was so stunning. I sat there and just soaked up everything she said. Afterward I shook her hand and I got a picture taken with her, but I get so star struck I couldn't say all I wanted to. I wanted to tell her how much this play touched me, even now its hard to describe. I've been really going through a rough time lately and battling some serious bouts depression, and seeing me reflected back not only in the play but in the wonderful example of a strong beautiful Black Queer woman that is Lenelle Moise, really made me feel so much better. She was so nice when I spoke to her briefly and incoherently (damn my starkstruckness!) I was so nervous I forgot to introduce myself and she asked my name and when she asked I was like why would you even care who I am. But, she is that down earth not just putting up with annoying fans. If stalking wasn't annoying, creepy, illegal and a real turn off I would so stalk her lol! If anyone is in the NYC area and wants to go, but doesn't want to go alone I will go with you, because if I bring its less stalkerish....right? lol
But in all seriousness she was able to put together such a beautiful piece of art that didn't just entertain me, but it touched me. Lenelle and Sharon Bridgeforth were talking about the importance of making positive life choices and choosing to be healthy, and I needed to hear that.
After going to this play I felt the way I do when I go to a U People event, I felt at home.

Lenelle Moise

So I was working on this post about how I'm tired of being the gay kid at home, but then I got onto youtube thanks to Evolving, looking at videos of Lenelle Moise and OH MY GOODNESS! I'm in love! She's wonderful! She's also Haitian which makes my bootleg Haitian self happy. So instead of finishing that post today I'm gonna post some wonderful vids of Lenelle Moise. Madivinez is my new favorite word and now officially the 2nd word I know in Creole .

Missing in Action

So I've been a little MIA lately because so much has happened. I moved out of the hell that was my southern city. I defended my thesis...successfully? I have some major revisions to do but I haven't had the time/motivation. I'm also home finally! The move was a grueling 16 hour drive, it usually only takes about 13-14 but for some reason it took so much longer. I'm still in the process of unpacking which is taking longer than it needs to. This is partly due to the fact that I don't have any motivation to do anything besides play board games with my family. We've been playing monopoly, Life, Uno, Crazy eights and Bull Shit. I killed in Monopoly the first game, but then lost miserably, but its been fun playing with my little cousins and my sister. What's funny is that during life I was the only one who didn't land on a tile to have any children, figure the dyke is discriminated against lol.
My little cousin was due on tuesday so she's now 3 days over due and so ready for this baby to be born. I've gone to 2 appointments and seen her get a sonogram and hear the baby's heartbeat. It was pretty cool I was dancing to the heartbeat. I find it hard to believe that she's going to be a mother soon. She's only 16 but ready or not she's gonna be a mommy. The father has skipped out of the picture, he pops in every now and then but is nowhere near as involved as he claimed he was going to be. But, she's handling it well, she's gonna be a good mom. I going to be in the room when she delivers and I'm not sure how I feel about that, I don't really want to see all of that. I saw a video when I was in the 7th grade and it seriously made me want to reconsider having children, and now I'm at a point in my life where I'm not sure I want to have kids. I really like kids, but I'm definitely not in a place where I feel like I want to be responsible for another person, someone who is really depending on me for everything... that's scary. Anyway I'm slowly emerging from my family seclusion and should be posting more soon.

I'm done with Black Studies

Not only am I done with Black studies but I'm done with Black solidarity. Let me explain what I mean, I'm not done with caring about and supporting my people but no longer will I do so at my own expense. For the past 2 years I have been pursuing a masters degree in Black Studies, and during these 2 years I have had to deal with a ridiculous amount of bias because not only am I a Black woman, but I'm also a lesbian.
My department tries to appear as if they're open and accepting towards non heterosexuals but they're not. I've had to fight just to pursue my research interest and when I produce this research I've had to work 10 times harder than anyone else to show that it is legitimate research. I've had to be the lone voice arguing against heterosexist scholars that we read, but I've also had to deal with harassment because at the time of my entry I was the only out person in the department. To my knowledge in the 5 years that the graduate program has existed I was the first openly queer student. The lack of Queer people in this department has made the faculty complacent in ignoring all issues regarding sexuality. So when it comes time for me to write my thesis and I want to investigate Black Butch Lesbians all I get is resistance. The chair who reluctantly agreed to chair my thesis knows nothing about gender theory, so I've received no critiques of my argument. She's been completely hostile and disorganized the entire time that I've been writing this damned thesis. I've had to listen to her berate me and my work while she's barely read any of it. But did I complain? No. Why? Because I wanted to support my black people and didn't want to cause a commotion, but I'm done with that. I'm tired of being silent because I didn't want to cause problems for Black people who could care less about me, which was evident by the way they treat me. I wish this was the first time that I've had to deal with shit like this, but no I've had to put up with this same shit from my cohort and an entire conference on Black Studies. A friend of mine presented on how a lot of Black women and Black Queer people have left Black studies to do their research in other departments because Black Studies is so hostile. I am about to join the rest of them because I'm tired, I don't think I can take the abuse anymore. I'm tired of being tokenized or ignored in the discipline that is supposed to represent me. I know women's studies can be just as hostile towards women of color - as evidenced by the whole Andrea Smith debacle- but I'm tired. It seems that while women's studies has a tendency to be very white it seems like they at least try to be more inclusive, while Black studies could care less. When I go to reapply to PhD programs at this point the only Black Studies PhD program I'll be applying to is Northwestern because they have a real demonstrated commitment to Queer people and doing research outside of the heteronormative box. So I'm done, I'm tired and I'm pissed! And when I'm finally done with this thesis process I'm complaining to the dean, because this can not continue.

I'm famous ya'll

Okay not really but you all know that I love U People and everything they do and faithfully watch their vlog. Well today's new vlog featured the amazing Zanele Muholi. I've posted about her before and she's just amazing. Anyways while I'm enjoying the wonderfulness that is Olive and Hanifah and Olive gives me a shout out! She mentioned me and I actually screamed in my apartment, it actually went more like OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! Lol So if you haven't already experienced the wonderfulness that is the U People click play below.







Also if you're in the NYC area you have to go to their Brooklyn Pride performance on June 12th. The other love of my life Staceyann Chin will be performing along with Hanifah and Shelley Nicole's Blakbushe. I've seen them both perform and you're in for an amazing performance go and watch me be incredible jealous. Click the pic for more info

Attraction

So I've been thinking a lot about attraction lately. I used to be really into trying to figgure out my type, and I realized that I don't really have one, but I have started to notice some trends and some oddities. I think I like older women, and I do tend to go for more butch women, but I tend to not like too masculine. There needs to be a nice balance. But lately I've become more aware of what type of person I'm attracted to, and the nature of attraction in general.
A couple of situations have led me to understand my attraction more clearly. A couple of weeks ago I was at a mini conference and there was this woman who I was really attracted to. There was just something about her that I was drawn to and I have no idea what it was. It definitely wasn't her physical appearance, she was the epitome of not my type, whatever it is. But, there was something very appealing about her. There was something about her spirit that really drew me to her. It was definitely internal. I'm also working on my thesis and I'm focusing on Black Butch Lesbians and in order to gain data I've been using a lot of documentaries to bring in experience. So I watched Venus Boyz which wasn't really helpful as a whole except for two women, Dred and Storme Webber, and Storme more so than Dred because she always presents masculine. Anyways Storme again had that something about her, like I said before I tend to not like too masculine, but she was just so appealing. Both of the women that I spoke about before are considerably older than me. I just turned 24 and both of these women are well into their 40's. The woman I met at the conference I would never really try and talk to, but she was still attractive. Now Storme I'd holla with the quickness. She has such a quiet spirit about her, I'm surrounded by so many fake people and she seemed very real and grounded and to have a deeper understanding of everything. Maybe that's what I'm attracted to in older women, that they seem like they just get it.
This brings me to my latest little crush, Dr. G Love. I first saw Dr. G Love on the U People Vlog on After Ellen where they announced that she was going to have her own advice vlog. Last night they posted the first one, but its actually been taken down for some reason. Now Dr. G Love I do find attractive and she also has that grounded personality that I find so appealing. I don't know how much older than me she is, but damn! I was so impressed that I actually had a quite lovely dream about her that I shall be keeping to myself.

So when it comes to my type I'm still not sure what it exactly is, but the woman needs to be down to earth. She can't be to into her appearance, I'm not saying she needs to look like a bum, but not flashy not a lot going on. She just needs to be able to rock her natural beauty. NO HAIR WEAVES!! That is a deal breaker for me, I can deal with a perm, but if you've got a weave you've gone too far. I like natural women, she needs to care about the environment and the world in general. She needs to be culturally aware. There are a lot more characteristics that I can add, but I'm just going to stop here.

So what are you attracted to? Do you have a type? What is it?

shout out to Evolving for a good post on attraction that reminded me I needed to finish this one.

edit: they put the Dr. G Love video back up. Go check it out

How I'm feeling

First I want to say thanks to all those who have sent their support it really means a lot. I really do love this online community, its definitely been a life line when I've felt completely isolated. I just got back from a department gathering and I feel like crying, but for several different reasons. When I was at the party I got to talk to one of my sheroes who researches the same area as me and is 28 with a PhD and I just stand in awe of her. She's amazing! She really encouraged me and is such a cool drink of water. Its so important to have community and to have someone to bounce ideas off of and affirm my experiences. As you all can tell my grammar is not the best, but on this blog I don't really care because if it bothers someone too bad they can stop reading. But, to hear that someone else struggles like me and it felt good. So I'm so happy that I feel like crying.

I also feel like crying because I can't believe that I'm really never going to see my step brother again. Its hard for me to fully grasp, I just think about all the times that we hung out and how sweet he was, and I'm so mad that he's gone. I'm also mad that it seems like the language isn't there to properly describe his death. He was shot down in his house, someone called him down to the front door and when he came they just shot him. Now that is murder and the law recognizes it as such, but I feel like that definition isn't adequately applied to his death. In the news and by others its said that he was shot, but because he's young, Black and urban there's an implication that he was somewhat complicit in his own murder. He doesn't receive the same sympathy as other murder victims because he's young, black and urban so that happens all the time. This troubles me deeply, but besides that I'm still just stuck on the fact that I'll never see him again. We can't meet up in a little bit and catch up like no time has passed. He can't introduce me to his daughter who I know he loved so much. We can't share in each other's lives , its over. He's gone and I'm still having a hard time understanding that. I can't believe that someone really took his life. It just doesn't make sense , he was such a sweet heart. I always wanted a brother who was closer in age and could be my daily protection and he was that. He had my back he was always there for me when I needed him. At a time when I didn't really fit in with my peers he never made me feel bad about who I was. I'll always love him for that. These are the things I'll think about and then the fact that he's gone will hit me like a ton of bricks. I never thought that I wouldn't have the chance to see him again, this wasn't supposed to happen. He wasn't supposed to die at 26. This world just doesn't make sense.

I'm a dork and I'm okay with that

Excuse me while I whip out my dork hat..... But, I am a HUUUGE Sailor Moon fan!!

Seriously I loved Sailor Moon when I was younger, and then I found out that the whole entire series can be seen online at youtube and veoh. It took me a while but I finally got through the first season and then I made it through the second, skipping through a few episodes. But, I haven't enjoyed any season like the third! First we have the introduction of Sailor Neptune and Sailor Uranus who are .... LESBIANS!!! Wooo Hooo !! Here are some pics of them

how butch is Uranus!
But, despite her Butch exterior she has a little femme in her too!










And she's got all the girls swooning, even Sailor Jupiter developed a little crush (who I called as being gay from the beginning!)





Check out her high femme girlfriend Sailor Neptune



Besides the mere presence of Lesbian characters, I really like how they've been treated. Its just sort of no big deal. At first all the other Sailor scouts thought Uranus was a guy. But, they haven't shunned them at all. They actually want to be like them and so far Jupiter and Sailor Moon have found comfort in Sailor Uranus' arms. I also love that in one episode Sailor Jupiter talked about how hard she tries to conform to gender norms.

Unfortunately, most of this has been cut out of the English dubbed version, so you have to watch it in Japanese with subtitles. Which, isn't bad because they got a new voice actress for Sailor moon and her voice is like finger nails on a chalk board.

But despite my love for Sailor Moon I will never go this far!










So thank you for indulging my Sailor Moon obsession, and go watch all of the episodes now!!

Oh Sara Ramirez!!

She's Hot, Gay friendly and speaks Spanish.... What more can you ask for. Excuse me Laura for lusting all over you wife, but damn!

A Message from Grey's Anatomy's Sara Ramirez

Okay what is with all the drama! So remember the married girl who was trying to talk to me, and through the wise advice of you wonderful readers as well as others I realized that its just a bad idea to get involved. Well she just sent me a message asking why I was avoiding her and if she got her signals crossed. Okay so its true I have been avoiding her but not really, I've responded to all of her text messages, but not her facebook wall comment and her call which she sent right before the text. I'm just a little taken a back that we have to have this relationship type talk when we're not even in a relationship. We haven't even kissed or anything some drunken hand holding and a leg rub really doesn't constitute a situation where a talk needs to occur. Sure we tentatively set up a date but it wasn't an official date and there was no date set up! What the hell is going on!! Now I have to have this stupid conversation about how I'm not going to get involved with her because she's married.

I guess I didn't expect it to go there because nothing really happened warranting a conversation. There's only one girl that I could really see having legitimate reason for us to talk and ask why I'm sending mixed signals because I have. This married girl not so much. Its not really drama just annoying, I really wanted to respond to the text saying its not that serious!! Because it's really not!

Advice needed

Help I need advice!!
So here's the deal I like a girl and she likes me, normally it'd all be good but she's married ... to a man. She's bi and I have no issues with that, but her being married worries me. I'm currently not interested in being in a serious long term relationship, especially since I'm moving in some months. So in my head this sounds like a good arrangement, the relationship could only get so serious because she's married and when I commit to someone I want it to be just us two. But I'm afraid that this could all blow up in my face especially since this would be my first relationship with a woman. I just set up a date for the end of this week, am I crazy? Should I walk away? I don't know what to do!! Help

Do I get my Lesbian card now?

Okay so I have a confession.... I'm not very proud of it, I feel a little cliche but I just downloaded a Melissa Etheridge song from itunes. I'm just trying to get my official Lesbian card, and hopefully with that I will also get my gaydar because Damn it, it would really come in handy. But, that's besides the point, but yes I downloaded a Melissa Etheridge song, her new one A message to myself



Its actually not that bad of a song, but I'm just branching out my musical tastes, because I grew up in the Black people don't listen to rock, country or anything that can be construed as "White people's music", and its been hard for me to break that hold. But I've been making some steps like I really like the group the Cliks, but the Melissa Etheridge thing brings up a whole new group of issues, mainly I don't wanna be that girl more specifically that lesbian, you know that super lesbian, who just came out and is all about everything rainbows, and lesbian, you know she cuts her hair gets super militant. There was even a post on Ourchart.com about it, the blogger talked about being post gay, and I just don't want to be that girl, but at the same time I feel like I'm still letting others dictate how I'm going to express my sexuality. I guess when it comes down to it I've never wanted to be the super trendy follow everyone type of girl, and that works to my disadvantage sometimes. So I don't know for all my queer folks out there are you post gay?

Forever Journeying

I don't know if its just me, but it seems like the times when you are on the cusp of change, of a real breakthrough, thats when everything seems to fall apart. I feel like something big is about to happen, not necessarily big in the sense of something visible or even remarkable to people other than me, but something is about to happen. I have reached a new place in my journey, I'm becoming comfortable in who I am, comfortable enough to fight for it, which I haven't necessarily been ready to do before. I haven't been able to post as much as I would like lately because I've just been so overwhelmed by life, by everything. I am currently taking 4 courses trying to work on my thesis without a committee, apply to grad programs and possibly retake the GRE's. I'm just feeling overwhelmed by it all, and sometimes I feel like I just can't do it and I wanna throw up my hands and quit which is evident by my last post. However, admits all of this I've been having some incredible joys namely the birth of my nephew
I haven't even met him yet, but I already love him. Soon I Anacoana should have her little man, and I also am looking forward to him, because new life brings hope. With all thats going on I've just felt less willing to lie, hide or compromise myself in anyway. I recently got a call from a former fundie friend of mine who I've been avoiding for the past year. She called and said she missed me and asked about whether I was involved in any churches, or youth groups. I didn't tell her about how I've been walking in my identity as a Black lesbian and that I was proud of that. I didn't tell her, I just let her keep her ideas about me and continue to pray for me. But my interaction with her, and my feelings in general about life and everything, have led me to not fear being outed so much anymore. I'm ready to let go of any and everyone who can't deal with me, all of me. Being a lesbian is important but its not all of me and anyone who can't see passed that in my life can leave my life and I'm finally ready to let them go. I'm more confident in my identity as a lesbian, yes I am 23 and a virgin, yes I have never been with a woman as of yet, but this does not mean that I am any less of lesbian or sure of my sexuality. I am no longer ready to let people project their insecurities on to my life. I really feel like a change is about to happen, like I'm finally going to reach that next level in my journey. I'm not sure where its going to take me, but I'm ready for the ride.

ranting and music

Wow I really hadn't noticed that its been so long since my last post. This school year has been kicking my ass hard, already. But its a good ass kicking... I think, I guess I'll find out later. I've gotten renewed motivation in my research, because this ass hole of a kid recently commenting on the Black Lesbian lives, that is being offered this semester, said that its the most irrelevant course ever. Really? Black lesbian lives are irrelevant and not worth being studied? I'm so glad that I found out that I have no place in studies that are supposed to be studying Black people as a whole, because obviously my life is irrelelvant. Everytime I think about what he said I get more and more angry, fortunately I wasn't there for his little speech, which later included him saying what's next a class on "Retarded Black lesbian midgets with one eye"? Isn't he a great guy? But it is people like him that make me research Black SGL (same gender loving) women. So FUCK HIM! and all of his fucked up ideologies!

On other news I've been so obsessed with music lately. I just bought Ledisi's album and it's pretty amazing! I've been playing it non stop since I got it here's a little glimpse



Thanks to After Ellen to a link to Alicia Keys' new single which I've played 10 times in a row

Alicia Keys NO ONE (new audio)
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