What a weekend

I so much to blog about, I just came back from a conference where I met the love of my life (jk, just a really cool girl) but, I didn't get her number. It was really great, but I'm too tired to really get in to it so here are some beautiful pictures of Rose Rollins, that I got from AfterEllen.
p.s. I also saw a Tasha look alike!!

Happy Emancipation Day!!!!

Today was one of the most exhilarating days that I've ever had here in Trinidad. This whole entire trip was worth it all if only for the Emancipation day parade. Today I was able to take part in an Emancipation day celebration and it was beautiful. Here in Trinidad along with some festivities building up to today, Emancipation day is celebrated with a Kambule, a procession through out Port of Spain. It was absolutely beautiful! This is how I described it in an email to someone today and it fit so I'm not going to just paste it here.

It was amazing, the solidarity, and the love. For this one day we could forget all of what the Colonizers did to try and make us forget our history our people, our heritage, and we were all African again. It was beautiful as far as my eye could see there were tons of Beautiful Black people in African clothing. It was amazing, all you heard was African music and Calypso songs about Africa and the beauty in being Black. The walk was long but beautiful filled with the beautiful beat of the drum. After today I understand more than ever how the drum is the heart beat, because the bass was so loud that I felt the beat in my heart literally and it felt like it was completely in tune with the beating of my heart. It was beautiful! As we were walking I felt like I was apart of a larger community. I felt like I was surrounded by my people and that in the end we will win. I'm trying my best to describe it, but words can't do it justice. The whole day I kept trying to take pictures, record sound, do something to capture this wonderful movement and send it on. I didn't mean to type movement but I decided to leave it because it fits so well, it’s a movement to remember our collective past and celebrate our future.

This celebration was not only for those who were forced out of Africa by the slave trade, but also those that left voluntarily years later and those who still remain there. Because Emancipation day is about remembering our past and healing/restoring ourselves. We all suffered at the hands of colonialism and this is the celebration of our continued struggle against it. I'm trying my best to describe everything I saw and felt and heard, but it’s impossible. Sometime when we were transported from Africa to the various countries we stopped being African, we became American, Trinidadian, Brazilian, Dominican etc, but today we were all one. I saw people of all ages out celebrating; children with their parents and the elderly who could barely walk, but came out to celebrate this wonderful day. Emancipation Day is something everyone needs to experience at least once in their lives, because after it you will never be the same.

thoughts before bed

I'm so tired, so this is going to be a short post, but I've been having some amazing experiences in the past couple of days. I didn't get to adequately say how much I loved Tobago, it was beautiful and I'll never forget it. I feel like I've been focusing so much on the negatives that I've been experiencing here that I've haven't talked about the good times I'm having. The Old time wedding in Tobago was great. I love how the culture has been maintained here. Obviously things have changed but I feel like they're so much more connected here than we are in the US. Tonight was a perfect example, it was the opening ceremony for the emancipation celebration. Just seeing the people of all ages join in and celebrate our history and triumphs was beautiful.

Last night all the students from my program had dinner at our professor's house and we got to mingle with other faculty. I met this amazing woman from the Women's Studies program here and she blew my mind. I intend on writing a more full post about her later, but she just inspired me and reminded me that Women of Color are feminists too and have been for just as long as white women. Well I can barely hold my eyes open, but on some more good news I've been able to pick up a fleeting signal on my laptop and have been able to get some of the cites that have been censored! So I'm feeling good!!

These words won't do any justice

I've been working on this post all weekend, going over and over in my mind how I could convey in words what I'm feeling. I am in a beautiful country and having the best and worst time ever! I love it here because I have really gotten a chance to commune with nature. I've swam with the fish, swam in the middle of the ocean hung out in a waterfall and lounged on a clear beach. I've fallen in love with the people of this country and have enjoyed this short respite from the continued presence of white privilege over me. However, I have had about enough of feeling alien because I love women.

After a near perfect day of the ocean and other cultural activities we go out and what do we hear but a song about how evil homosexuality is. Its bad enough that the song is playing but the majority of the club join in on the chorus that calls for violence against gays. At this moment I stand there amongst friends and just watch as they dance completely oblivious to the hate coming out of the speakers. I never felt more alone before. Later when I bring it up they do their best to try and understand and sympathize but they can't, because they just don't get it. Flash forward to today as I sit in class and hear our Professor talk about how many Calypso singers find homosexuality funny, and then he goes on and discusses how the idea of a Gay minister of govt is foreign to them, but not as foreign as other countries. He was only half trying to not seem completely biased and disgusted, but it was there. Then after class I have to defend all LGBT people to one of my classmates as he tries to argue that its understandable why people are homophobic and ignore LGBT people. At this point I had to fight back the urge to scream, cry and just run away from this all. This is all too much to handle at sometimes.

I want to hold on to my people and this country so tight, but I can only do this if I deny who I am. I find myself now in a bind, do I continue to blend? Or do I make a stand? Do I even have the agency and authority to make such a bold stand? Where is my safe place? Where is my place where I can go to get rejuvenated? How do I explain something that I can't even put in words to people who claim to be my friends here? Is it even worth it? These are all the questions that are constantly running through my head. I'm just at a point where I don't know where to go from here.

One of the few LGBT sites that isn't blocked is Jasmyne Cannick's blog, and while I don't agree with everything she says all the time, I do get a lot of useful information from here. She just posted this article from a local newspaper and a gay man was talking about how he doesn't have his rights, and all the ways that Trinidad and Tobago should improve in terms of its relations with LGBT people. This article let me know that by being a lesbian and not from here it is illegal for me to be here. Elton John had to get a special license to come and perform. I am absolutely astonished. I want to cling to the people here so bad because I feel like we are so similar, but I can't because I refuse to deny who I am.

My new favorite animal

Last night I saw the most amazing thing, I got a chance to see leatherback sea turtles lay their eggs. It was amazing. I felt slightly intrusive, you know basically watching a woman give birth, but it was beautiful. They only come to a few beaches in the world and this beach in Trinidad happens to be one of them. Our guide was amazing he was truly passionate about the beach and the turtles. it took us forever to get there and when we started getting close to the beach we had to go through this unpaved road through the woods just to get to the beach. The beach and the area around it are protected by the government. So once we get to the beach we are told that we can not take pictures until the specified moment. There can be no light, because it will disturb the turtles. They did a test last year and it found that they can't see red so when light is needed our guide has this red light. I'm not gonna lie I was scared, because the water was so close and it wasn't swimmable water it was very dangerous.

So we're standing there and then all of a sudden we see two huge black spots coming out of the water and we're told that those are the turtles. I'm thinking that it can't be because the spots are huge it looks like a rock. Once the turtle has begun to create a nest we go over, and its the biggest thing I've ever seen. Her back fins search the sand for a right temperature and then she digs deep and lays her eggs, while she's laying her eggs she enters a trance like state and we can take pictures because the light will no longer disturb her. We even got to touch her very lightly of course, and she really felt like leather, very smooth leather. It was amazing to see this and to see all the wonderful things the organization is doing. They've successfully blocked a hotel from building on the beach, and have literally fist fought people trying to steal, hurt or harm the turtles. Now it is one of the most protected beaches for these turtles they have hundreds of turtles come there during the season to nest. Besides from seeing the Mama turtle lay her eggs the best thing was seeing the baby turtles on head out to the sea, and they will come back to this very beach when its their turn to lay eggs. What I also loved, is that she's a free independent turtle. When they've tried to raise them in captivity they've committed suicide because they just can't be locked in. The leatherback sea turtle is definitely my new favorite Animal!

Live From Trinidad!

Hey All I didn't think that I would be posting so soon, but we're still in the orientation phase of the trip so we have some free time. I'm experiencing something here that I haven't yet experienced, being closeted when I'm open about my sexuality. This country isn't like Jamaica where I would fear for my life for being a Lesbian, but its strongly frowned upon. One of my lesbian friends who came here last year had some interesting experiences that just made me aware that I needed to be more careful with disclosing my sexuality. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to deal with some homophobic travel mates. Its weird being here and not having my support system with me. The people who I'm definitely realizing that I depend on heavily for support, even my Internet flirt buddy, who as I think about may be more interested in being more friends. Mainly because I'm here now and I miss her, I want to talk to her but I can't. I just sent her a tipsy email a while back when I was well tipsy. I'm enjoying myself overall there are seriously some gorgeous women here, but a las no hopes of making any moves.

I hate coming out, the whole hey everyone I'm a lesbian any questions? But, I realize that I'm going to have to do so and maybe that will give me at least the courtesy of not having to hear homophobic statements.... hopefully. Again I love Trinidad it's a beautiful place and the weather is gorgeous I just miss some people.

Ohh and a Big Happy Birthday Goes out to my Best Friend! Who has finally joined the 23 club! Don't tell her but I kind of miss her a whole lot, but SHHHHH! LOL

Trinidad Here I come!!!

Tomorrow morning I will be on my way to the beautiful Islands of Trinidad and Tobago!!!
I'm gonna be gone for 3 weeks for a Study Abroad, but I'll have internet access so I may be able to update occasionally. But it'll be a little slow for a while. See you all when I get back!!