Saturday, September 22, 2007

Forever Journeying

I don't know if its just me, but it seems like the times when you are on the cusp of change, of a real breakthrough, thats when everything seems to fall apart. I feel like something big is about to happen, not necessarily big in the sense of something visible or even remarkable to people other than me, but something is about to happen. I have reached a new place in my journey, I'm becoming comfortable in who I am, comfortable enough to fight for it, which I haven't necessarily been ready to do before. I haven't been able to post as much as I would like lately because I've just been so overwhelmed by life, by everything. I am currently taking 4 courses trying to work on my thesis without a committee, apply to grad programs and possibly retake the GRE's. I'm just feeling overwhelmed by it all, and sometimes I feel like I just can't do it and I wanna throw up my hands and quit which is evident by my last post. However, admits all of this I've been having some incredible joys namely the birth of my nephew
I haven't even met him yet, but I already love him. Soon I Anacoana should have her little man, and I also am looking forward to him, because new life brings hope. With all thats going on I've just felt less willing to lie, hide or compromise myself in anyway. I recently got a call from a former fundie friend of mine who I've been avoiding for the past year. She called and said she missed me and asked about whether I was involved in any churches, or youth groups. I didn't tell her about how I've been walking in my identity as a Black lesbian and that I was proud of that. I didn't tell her, I just let her keep her ideas about me and continue to pray for me. But my interaction with her, and my feelings in general about life and everything, have led me to not fear being outed so much anymore. I'm ready to let go of any and everyone who can't deal with me, all of me. Being a lesbian is important but its not all of me and anyone who can't see passed that in my life can leave my life and I'm finally ready to let them go. I'm more confident in my identity as a lesbian, yes I am 23 and a virgin, yes I have never been with a woman as of yet, but this does not mean that I am any less of lesbian or sure of my sexuality. I am no longer ready to let people project their insecurities on to my life. I really feel like a change is about to happen, like I'm finally going to reach that next level in my journey. I'm not sure where its going to take me, but I'm ready for the ride.

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“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.” ~Audre Lorde