Saturday, July 26, 2008
This is sort of a follow up to my last post. Yesterday I reconnected with one of my friends from undergrad, we'll call her C. We weren't really close, but we were definitely friends. I definitely think that we weren't closer friends because she made me very uncomfortable, because she was so comfortable with being a lesbian and I was so not. Well yesterday we finally caught up on AIM. I haven't come out to her because I really don't know why, I was afraid that she'd hold up some gay measuring stick and mark me as a clear fail. I think this is due in part to a real experience I had with this girl. She was bi and I was excited and was like oh cool another Black Queer woman and when she found out that I was a virgin. She said that I couldn't really be sure since I've never been with a man or woman sexually. She even went so far as to tell me to stop calling myself a lesbian. Unfortunately I was really drunk during the last statement so it registered a little late for me to get pissed. Anyway I was talking to C and I got a huge amount of anxiety about coming out to her, and then I finally just did it and she was completely cool and amazing of course. It really got me wondering why I was so afraid in the first place. It felt so good to talk to another Black lesbian about coming out and everything and she really just get it. She moved to my state recently and offered to be my gay club buddy. So that made me really happy.
Despite my excitement about a great coming out experience it reminds me of my friend who I've subsequently fallen out of touch with because of her inability to accept me as I am. I'm still grieving the loss of our friendship and that friend. I feel like I should be over it since its been a while, but it still hurts when I think about where we are now. What really pisses me off is that she was able to talk with C about her being a Black lesbian and all the various labels, but with me she can't. It just reminds of how funny friendships are, all of my friends except her have been amazing and supportive, so I guess that says a lot about the nature of our friendship. We went on spring break together our senior year and a couple weeks ago she texts me and says that she was looking at the pictures and remembering the great time we had and then she ends the text with love you guys. I really wanted to respond and say who does she love? Not the real me, but the conservative Christian me, waiting to find a good man, and denying a part of herself. I just left it alone, and I'm just going to focus on my supportive friends like C. Coming out really shows you who your real friends are.
“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.” ~Audre Lorde