Book review

I didn't forget about you all or this lovely blog. Things have been crazy in my life and I'm trying to get them all figured out. I have a lot I want to blog about, especially my DC trip, but this past weekend I read to books with Black lesbian main characters and I figured what the hell I might as well review them for you all so here we go. Since you're supposed to give stars and shit when you review something I'm going to give stars(or asterisks since I don't know how to get stars on my Blog) and its out of a possible five.

The first book I read was Manjani by Freedom Speaks Diaspora. ***1/2

Coming from a Black Studies background, I really wanted to read it because it was about a Black Lesbian fighting for the revolution. So I dove in head first anxious to read about a politically aware Black Lesbian, and I have to say overall I really liked it. The story is about the coming of age of a young Black Lesbian named Manjani, now I mention that she's a lesbian, because that's what attracted me to the book in the first place however, she doesn't come out until towards the end of the book. But, sexuality is definitely an issue that is dealt with throughout the whole book. The book really speaks to how gender and sexuality fit into a Black Nationalist paradigm. I have to be honest, that when I struggled with the book a large part of it was because of the heavy Black Nationalist perspective that Manjani was a part of. My own vision of what true liberation means for us as a people and it's not exclusive to the Black community, and therefore not in line with Black Nationalism. However, that's another post for another time. Back to the story, the book carries you through the emotional, spiritual and even physical journey of Manjani as she deals with a family crisis, and tries to live out her socio-political ideals. The story is filled with tons of quintessential Black Nationalist rhetoric that is both refreshing, and entertaining. I was often annoyed by Manjani's attitude, but also loved how she dealt with the "well meaning" White racists she encounters. It highlights a lot of the short comings in Black Nationalist organizations and what happens when your idealic view of the Black community is confronted with the reality of human nature. All in all it was a good read, I felt like the book dragged through her transformation and she went really unchanged for a large portion of the book and then all of a sudden her eyes are open.

This might be due in part to the spiritual journey she is also on throughout the book. I have to be honest I find that part of the book the most riveting and exciting, but also confusing. You are thrust into her world which is completely like ours except that she sees things in the spiritual realm that most people don't. It is such an ingrained part of her life that the author doesn't really give full explanation of. In the beginning she talks a lot about second sight and her journey, but you're not sure if she's speaking literally or metaphorically. I found myself frustrated at times, but ultimately I was rooting for her and eager to see where her journey would take her. I wished that the author would have included more of a lesbian community, rather than just references to other Queer people, but her sexuality really wasn't the focus of this book. It isn't a coming out novel, but rather a coming of age novel and I appreciate the boldness that Manjani possesses and the novel as a whole.

The next book I read was She Slipped and Fell by Shonda. **1/2
I came across this book the same way I did Manjani through Sistah's on the Shelf; really the only resource out there for Black Lesbian fiction. She slipped and fell seemed like it would be a departure from much of the Black Lesbian hood lit that's out there. Which, if you like it then more power to you, I just prefer something different. Anyway, I've had this book for a few months and hadn't gotten around to it until today. I tried to start it a couple of weeks ago, but was turned off by the very first scene where one of the characters is taking a shit. I'm sorry that just grossed me out too much. That may just be my issue, but it definitely made me pause.

She slipped and fell is in short about two friends who fall in love, and try to figure out how to love each other openly. I have to be completely honest and say I absolutely did not like this book for at least the first half of it. I felt like the author was slipping into a lot of the same tired descriptions and notions of beauty concerning the characters. *side rant* I'm so sick and tired of authors having to make one of the characters have light eyes, skin or hair in order to make them extra special and beautiful. My family is filled with people of varying shades of hair, skin and eyes and it adds to their beauty in the same way that anyone else's hair, skin and eyes do. It doesn't make them extra special, and they shouldn't be exoticized because of it! Ok rant over. Back to the story the two main characters Tina and Kendall were refreshing in that they were middle class Black girls, not extra rich and not struggling through the drug game. They were both good students with goals and little to stand in their way. They fall in love and that predictable throws their worlds for a loop, but for me the most interesting part of the book was seeing who they became as adults and how they handled the decisions the made and the tragedies they were dealt. It was a nice coming out story in that you got to see the whole spectrum of coming out, acceptance of self, acceptance by your family and also dealing with being openly gay in the world. I was troubled with the book in that I felt like the author invalidated butch identity, by inferring that because the two main characters were both femme, they were some how not like those Lesbians, and she also played into a lot of the stereotypes surrounding Butch women.

Their emotional maturity that they showed towards the end of the book made the beginning more bearable and even worth it. I found myself going aww at the end instead of throwing the book. I definitely recommend reading it; however don't expect any profound revelations or your world to be changed. It is a nice book to just sit, read and maybe even commune with a story that may or may not have resonated with your own coming out story.

From Staceyann Chin

PLEASE POST ON YOUR BLOGS, SITES, LISTS etc. Help us reach the folks we need.

Many of you have already heard about our film, Baby Makes me. For you, this is an update. But for the folks who have not heard Tiona and I are making a documentary together.

For years, I have wanted to become a mother. But the timing has never been quite right. Either my partners weren’t ready, or I was scared, or I couldn’t find a donor or something. There was always something. By the time I rolled into 35, I was tired of being afraid, tired of waiting for the right woman with whom it would be the right time, tired of watching every Christmas roll over another Birthday, tired of watching my peers get knocked up and months later appear with the most amazing little bundle of potential—I was tired of waiting and ready to make the leap, and I was ready to make it alone.

I began the research with great heart—only to discover that there were little no resources for women who either wanted to, or had to embark on the journey of motherhood in the solo. There were one or two essays and a few books on artificial insemination, and some were even directed at lesbians—but most, if not all assumed that the mother would be operating from inside of a partnership, be that partnership heterosexual or homosexual.

The idea for the film came out of a conversation with Tiona to film the pregnancy/labor, assuming that there would be one—because no one, least of all me, knows if my body will cooperate in doing such a thing as conceiving. I envisioned Tiona asking a couple of heartfelt questions and spinning the light to create a high-end home-movie I could show my child at eighteen. She agreed and we began to flesh out some ideas. That conversation, coupled with the lack of resource material out there spurred the project now known as Baby Makes Me.

Baby Makes Me, a feature-length documentary, will explore the challenges and triumphs of Single Motherhood, particularly in the lives of women of color, lesbians and women who make a conscious choice to be mothers in the absence of intimate/romantic partnerships with men.

The film will use as its narrative skeleton, the journey of activist/writer/performer, Staceyann Chin, as she navigates her personal choices with reference to motherhood. Author of the memoir, The Other Side of Paradise, Chin now brings her talents to the medium of film as writer and Executive Producer.

The Director, Tiona McClodden, is a champion of promoting positive images of women in media. Her last film, “Black./womyn.:conversations…”, garnered much respect in both accolades and awards. She now brings her attention to the issue of women and motherhood.

It is our intent to interview a series of women from all the demographic cross-sections. Issues of financial, ethical, medical, cultural, and political relevance will be fore-grounded. We hope that clinics, hospitals, families, children of Black lesbians, straight Black women who want children, mothers of gay women who lament the loss of grandchildren when they discover their daughters are gay, and anybody who seeks to have a clearer picture of the family that includes gay women will see that our lives go on, that women who are single, be they lesbian, or Black or poor, can and do have babies, and that we are simply another group of people who live and laugh and grow. We hope to paint the subjects in the film as human and likable characters who, though they are dealing with slightly different challenges than the women we traditionally see as mothers, are not very different from any other group of people considering parenthood.

We are going to need all the help we can get. We need help in reaching out to folks who would like to be interviewed; other single mothers, women who have been inseminated, women who are thinking about it, women who work in the medical field, women who work in the administrative world of policy etc. We are on the hunt for the all the voices that could represent our story in the film.

We have recently been awarded a grant from ASTREA Lesbian Foundation for Justice and are set to move forward. We write to you now, in the hope that you will want to be involved in this groundbreaking project in whatever capacity you choose: we need space to host fundraisers and screening and other events connected to the film. We need people to fundraise, to promote the film, to host community talks, to suggest topics for discussion in the film—we need to secure additional investors, we need the help of people who are experts in the business of making films, and we need the counter-perspective of people who have never made a film. We are hoping to make this a community effort; from start to finish we want the ideas to be representative of the various factions in our diverse village of the women who mother our children. If you are sure you are unable to do any of the above, we only ask that you make room for our fliers, questionnaires, invitations, and other promotional materials for the film.

We would be honored if you would join us as we attempt to break more ceilings, level more walls to make room those of us who are too frequently left out of the history and imagination of the world we live in. We look forward to a spirited journey with you, from the opening shot to the ending credits—complete with your name listed among the most stalwart of our supporters.

Thanks again to the women who have already offered assistance. We look forward to your being a part of our process.

Staceyann Chin
Executive Producer/Writer, “Baby Makes Me”
Tiona McClodden
Director/Producer, “Baby Makes Me”

Please send all inquiries and requests to: babymakesme@gmail.com

*I love Staceyann Chin! Is it bad I considered having a baby so I could meet her? Yeah, you're right, too much lol*

Being the angry black woman isn't so bad

I've been thinking a lot about this past year and the many ways that I've changed and haven't been myself. I realized that this past year I have not been as angry as I have been in the past. I'm an angry person, and its actually not as bad as it sounds. I've always been accused of being angry. I was the angry baby, I was the angry Black woman. I've never seen my anger as a bad thing, its been the outward expression of my passion for all things that mean anything to me. I realized that I've lost some of my anger this past Sunday when I got angry again and it felt good.

This past Sunday I was in central park for the summer stage concert series. I was having a good time, enjoying the music hanging with friends and laughing at the hot mess that was Jon B's performance. Then the DJ asked the audience if we wanted to hear reggae, the crowd started cheering and after the next performance her played a reggae mix. Which of course had to include Buju Banton's Boom bye bye. I'm not even going to post lyrics google them if you haven't already heard about this song. Basic message kill the gays, they're nasty. I got so infuriated that I went up to the WBLS table who was sponsoring the event to complain, but the guys there were just volunteers. I still voiced my complaint and went back to my friends trying to be easy but when he played TOK's song Chi Chi man, same premise as Buju's song. That was it, I went up to the VIP area closest to the stage and asked who I could speak to about the DJ. I ended up talking to the venue manager and I went the fuck off. It felt so good. I told him about how offensive the song was, I told I wanted to find out why the DJ felt like that song would be a good one to play. He said its freedom of speech and people can say whatever they want. That really got me, needless to say it went back and forth for a bit more, before I walked away with the manager saying he'd pass on my complaint. He probably didn't but what was important is that I got it out and it felt fucking good. Now don't get me wrong I was still mad for a good while after, but once I calmed down it felt fucking good. I got back in touch with my anger, and I've missed it.

This past year instead of getting mad at the people who deserved my anger I've been internalizing it and I've been worst off for it. So I'm getting back in touch of my anger, I'm gonna yell when I need to, scream when I need to and cuss people out when they deserve it because being the angry black woman isn't so bad.

Me and the Church

I was not raised in the church. I started going to church in my early teens, and at the time it was exactly what I needed. I really go into church and got saved when I was 15 years old. At that time I was dealing with an abusive drug addicted step father that brought chaos with him wherever he went. The church was my sanctuary truly, I would go to church and just feel God there and feel safe. I was committed to reading my bible everyday, praying for every one's salvation and preparing for the rapture. I felt so safe and secure and it really steadied me in a lot of ways. But, with my involvement in Church came a lot of shame about everything about me. I was so ashamed that I lusted after women and didn't after men. I would pray all the time for God to take these evil feelings away from me. I active tried to pursue the man that I felt God had planned on me even when I felt absolutely nothing for them. I felt completely numb around them and I constantly questioned what was wrong with me, but I just didn't see any other options.

While I was in college I was very involved in the evangelical student group and put up with a lot of shit from them because we were all God fearing Christians. But, college also exposed me to all different types of people and the hardest to deal with were the few out and proud Queer people on campus, because they were a constant reminder of the lie that I was living. So during my senior year I struggled greatly with my faith, I was starting to feel disconnected because everything I had learned while in church was that God hated homosexuality, oh he loved homosexuals but hated the evil behavior, and I was terrified. I've been to so many different church services where the preacher preached so vehemently against queer people, did altar calls, calling for queer people to come up and be delivered from their wicked ways. So as I was dealing with my sexuality all of this came back to me just telling me that God didn't love me and I was evil.

Clearly I have come to embrace and accept me, wholly and completely, but I still have issues. I have been to queer churches and I know that the words of a many preachers don't accurately reflect God's word. I'm sure that God still loves me, but it's hard when you're constantly being bombarded by gay hating preachers. I realized at the Kwanzaa celebration church is no longer a safe space for me anymore, and that makes me sad. I miss church I want to go back a lot of times, but I feel like I've grown and changed so much and I'm not sure that I fit anymore. When I was hard in to the church I didn't want to hear about any other faith systems because mine was the only one. But, now I respect so many other faiths and have no problem integrating aspects of them into my own life. I have friends that are pagan and I don't see them burning in a fiery hell. Before in church I was taught that anything that isn't exactly in line with Christianity is the work of the devil. But its hard for me now, because I find myself uncomfortable in some Christian situations, not like before, and it honestly makes me worried sometimes. But, I don't know I just don't feel safe anymore in these situations. I don't feel that unconditional love I used to. I know this has a lot to do with me because not all churches are anti gay and homophobic, but just on the everyday its hard.
So this is where I'm at, and I don't know where I'm going but I just needed to get this out.

All trolls be warned your comments will be deleted. You know who you are.

Kwanzaa with the Community

So last night I went to the Kwanzaa celebration at the gay and lesbian center in NYC. I wasn't sure if I was going to go at first. I didn't have the back up of one of my friends at first, but I decided that it was a chance to get out and be among other LGBT POC, and maybe meet a nice lady but that was secondary ;-) . Anyway when I got there it was absolutely packed and I got one of the most awkward spots in the whole place, right in the middle of an aisle. But, as I sit down I look up and I see Olive and Hanifah and damn near passed out. Hanifah was one of the first performers and not only did she tear the place up but she looked absolutely gorgeous. I was almost drooling. Then Olive talked about Kujichagulia, and I'm not gonna lie I was a little over zealous in my clapping i felt when she came on, so I was a little more subdued when she went off. But they seriously have to be the most beautiful couple ever. It's very rare that you think both people in the couple are hot, but that's besides the point, back to the celebration. The performers were amazing, but what I loved more than anything is that I know that when Maulana Karenga created Kwanzaa his idea of African people celebrating Kwanzaa didn't included LGBT people, but during the whole celebration the presenters continued to affirm us as Black people and as queer people and it was beautiful. It was so refreshing.

My only complaint was that it seemed a very Christian influenced program. I'm a Christian and I don't really have a problem with people talking about Jesus, but not everyone is Christian and that should be respected also. But actually the Christian presence actually really worked for me and made me feel comfortable. I've found myself uncomfortable lately in heavily Christian situations, and even in church and I couldn't figure out why. Last night made me realize that church wasn't a safe space for me anymore. It used to be I used to love being in church, but after I came out that went away because a lot of the negativity I heard and always feeling like an outsider. Then last night when I was the ultimate insider I felt completely safe. So its definitely a step forward for me. So all in all it was a great night, and I'm glad I went.

Laughing Matters... Next Gen

On Friday I got a chance to see Laughing Matters: Next Gen. I've seen the logo version online already but it was great seeing the whole thing together and longer. I was definitely excited because I got to meet Gloria Bigelow, who I have to say may look beautiful online, but in person is absolutely breath taking! Oh my goodness, she's funny too which is just icing on the cake. Three of the comedians were there, Amy Tee, Gloria Bigelow of course and Daniel Leary.

So the movie was supposed to start at 7:30 but they didn't have the DVD so they needed to stall while we waited for the back up DVD to show up. In an effort to stall Amy offers to do some stand up, which might not have been the best idea. She was funny, me and my friend who came with me were laughing, but everyone else not so much. There were definitely others who weren't so amused. The crowd was rough, they had some weird loud almost hecklers. Then some woman named Michelle Balan showed up and literally grabbed the mic right out of her hand. She seemed to be enjoying the complimentary beverages. She was funny, but definitely line stepping on some of the jokes. She said something to Gloria (I can't remember it now), but Gloria looked too through.

The movie was hilarious and definitely better in the extended version. Daniel Leary was so funny. I loved his bit about how he was an extra in a Kelly Clarkson video, he was supposed to be a manly football player taping his hands, but when the video was complete he looked like he was giving himself a manicure. I just looked up the video and he's right. See for yourself, he's the white football player leaning against the locker at 2:09



All in all a great night and I'll definitely be getting the DVD when it comes out.