Friday, June 09, 2006

My dilemma

ok as promised I will write about my dilemma.....I don't know why I've named it that, I guess it's just a way to keep it distant from me. I figure if I call it my dilemma and keep it as far away from me as possible then it will go away. Then I will stop being attracted to women, and I will be the good like Black girl and find a nice man to marry. I've tried to have that perspective; I've tried to ignore it. I figured hey I still like men, so why not ignore these feelings I have for women sometimes. You know it's not that big of a deal....I can just choose to only like men. I've come to this resolution several times, but for some reason it never sticks. I say this to myself, but I know I'm lying...I know that what I'm asking of myself is more than I can give. So I'm stuck....I'm stuck in a weird place, I don't really know what to do. It's not like this realization that I like women too is a surprise, I've been trying to suppress these feelings my whole life. Rationalizing my attraction to women as just a healthy admiration (which in some cases it was, but some definitely weren't) I'm just at the point in my life where I'm tired of following the script. I'm tired of playing to people's expectations. This is actually a really hard post for me to write. I'm admitting something to strangers that I've only just begun to admit to myself, and I haven't even told my best friend. There are just so many things going through my mind. I guess if I could pin point one specific feeling it would be fear. I'm afraid of how my best friend will react. I don't want her to begin to question every time we've been alone together, and every compliment I've ever given her as me flirting. I've never thought of her in that way she’s like my sister. We're both really liberal, so I know she'd be accepting overall I suppose, but I don't know I'm still afraid of her reaction.
This year is the first time that I've stopped lying to myself and begun to really examine myself. I guess this realization really came when this girl who was taking the same class as me, but a different section came in to my class. I knew she was a lesbian, because I've seen her around campus and we have some mutual friends, but we don't know each other. We've never even been officially introduced, but I was attracted to her. I found myself wanting to stop and talk to her and this is when I really knew something was up...I wanted to identify myself. I wanted her to know that I liked girls too, but that shocked me. Later she added me on MySpace and I got all excited, I must have looked at her page a million times. When this all happened, I was so confused, my feelings had betrayed me. They had not listened to my command to suppress all feelings for the same sex, and now I couldn't hide anymore.
So now here I am one big ball of confusion.....I'm not really confused because I've admitted it to myself, that there are some girls that I am attracted to and if the right girl ever came around I wouldn't be opposed to seeing where things went. Even writing this just gets me, but that's why I wanted a blog, I felt that I needed to get this out to someone other than myself. Even if no one ever comments, I know someone's reading this and someone out there knows my secret. I am keeping things very private for a reason. I'm just not ready for anyone in my life to know this right now. There are two people in my life that I know that I can talk to about this and would be a great help and comfort too, but I just can’t yet. I find myself sneaking to watch the logo channel, I know it sounds lame, but in my very homophobic family, I have to. They're just not ready....I'm not ready. This is my first step........Here's to first steps!

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“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.” ~Audre Lorde