Saturday, August 21, 2010

So simple

So I've been thinking that I want to blog more constructively about my depression. More than just depressed type posts like the last one (which I honestly didn't realize how depressed I sounded til later). I've been talking to a few people about depression this week and in particular the one and only miss Laura Luna and it felt good to get it out and talk about it. She also sent me a link to Kate Bornstein's twitter page where she was live tweeting from a femme conference workshop on dealing with mental illness, and she was preaching let me tell you. I posted this one quote on my tumblr and I feel like I need to read it everyday. She said "If you've got a mental illness and you're still alive, you're doing well." So simple yet so profound.

So I'm going to try and blog more regularly and constructively about my depression and anxiety, and not just wade in it. So something I've been dealing with today is trying to figure out what I'm going to wear tomorrow to go to this free concert in central park. I'm going with my BFF/wife and her new boo, and I think her friend from her hometown. So basically I don't need to impress any of them lol. However, where my depression has taken me in these past 2 years is to a place where getting up and getting dressed requires a lot of energy, dedication to fight all the negative thoughts I throw at myself. When I can't make myself feel good enough to get out or just push through it , I stay home in my comfort zone.

I'm getting better about not hiding away in my room, but I still do that a lot. It's where I feel most comfortable most days. However, this is not good for me. The more I sit in one room and don't leave, the more crazy I feel. It's hard to distinguish between my normal melancholy sometimes and feeling down right crazy. The isolation really lends itself increasing my feelings of self doubt and loathing. So now I force myself to get up and get out. I'm not doing great all the time. I'm about 50/50 at this point, but it's better than only leaving the house to go to therapy. This week I went to the grocery store, the book store and a restaurant. I've got to start my walking again, which was getting me out daily. But, the point is I'm doing better. I'm getting up and doing things with people who I care about and care about me. That is healthy and positive, so when I feel more inclined to go back in my room and hide instead of getting out. I have to remind myself about how great it feels to do it. I remind myself about the other weekend and how refreshed I felt.

Dealing with depression is both simple and very complicated. The things that hold me captive aren't really complex when you get down to examining them. They're very simple, but there are many of them and they affect every area of my life, so that's what makes them complicated. So in order to fight this depression, I have to do simple things like getting out of the house and physically seeing people. So simple but it makes a big difference. So now I'm going to bed and I'm looking forward to a good day around people.

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“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.” ~Audre Lorde