Freaks and masks

So while I was writing a post about the march and my first day in DC I get a call from my friend from high school calls me, and we agree to meet up at a local bar and catch up. I haven't seen her in a good 6 years. Realizing that we're about to meet up, I realize shit I'm going to have to come out to her. I haven't had to come out to anyone in a while, and I still get nervous. So it was nice, I rambled and we reminisced and talked about where we are now. Afterward it got me thinking, because I put up my mask, I talked about my life as if I was completely comfortable and secure about everything, but clearly I'm not. So I talked, I listened, we hugged and made plans to get together during thanksgiving.

But, later when I was walking back to my hotel, all of these thoughts came to my mind, about where I'm at in my life. Where I wanna be, how I'm sick of being single, sick of being a virgin. I was thinking about how much I've changed since High School, and I still feel insecure about it all. I still feel like a freak 90% of the time. So I get back to my hotel and I start to look at my books that I bought, and I stopped at Lambda Rising and bought the 2nd edition of Does Your Mama Know? Which when I was first coming out was my life saver. I clung to it like it was the last bit of air on earth. So I was looking at some of the new stories and I stopped at Olive Demetrius', and you all know I love me some UPeople lol. And I identified so much with her story I felt so much better, instantly. It was the same feeling that I got when I was in KY watching UPeople, or reading the first edition of the book. Even though I've come a long way, there are still times where I fear that my world is going to come crashing down, because I'm gay, where I fear for everythiing and I think that I'm truly a freak because, no one else seems to have the same issues that I'm having. That's why these stories are so important because even though you can be surrounded by a million people you can still be lonely, and these stories help me feel a little less lonely.

We Wear the Mask

WE wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

Why I still get Starstruck

Friday my wonderful new friend invited me to this Queer party, and I said sign me up lol. What she didn't tell me was that Olive and Hanifah were going to be there, and you all know how star struck I get. I know, I know they're normal people and my friend has confirmed this to me since she actually knows them, but I still can't help it. The party in general was really good for me in more than just fulfilling the need to get out.

When I got there one of the first people I saw was Hanifah and, I couldn't speak (typical of me). I wasn't prepared to see Hanifah right outside the door or run into Olive inside. It's hard to put it all into words but that night was great on so many levels so much about that party felt right and running into 2 of the people who literally helped me through it all was a little too much to handle. Olive didn't make it any better by complimenting me on my gap, which I actually hate, but she made me feel good about it which is rare, because have I mentioned I absolutely hate my gap. I started to think about why I still get starstruck by them, and I realized that its going to be a while until I'm not completely starstruck by them.

When I was in KY I was so lonely and I was trying to figure out what it means to be Black gay and female. I literally was coming out while I was in Kentucky to almost everyone in my life. When I got there, there were only about 2 people who knew that I was gay. In hindsight coming out in Kentucky wasn't the best idea since I had no support system down there and the friends I made, while all Queer friendly were all straight. I had no one to talk about what I was through with that could really understand. So like any woman in the 21st century I relied on the Internet , I watched vlogs and read blogs for my sense of community and direction. They were my lifeline and hope that there was something out there beyond my small world in KY. So I soaked it all in , I learned about my community from vlogs the most important being UPeople. I consumed everything they put out and sighed with a deep yes, it felt right. In my crazy time in KY so little felt right and made sense but when I was alone in my apt feeling like a freak I could go online and find some sense of self, and community.

This path of self discovery and being comfortable with myself definitely isn't finished, especially since I feel like everything about Kentucky inhibited me from embracing myself completely. So when I moved back and subsequently to Brooklyn, I began to soak up everything I could in Black Queer life, and its been great so far. So when I see Olive and Hanifah out or at one of their events, I know they're regular people that you can just go up and say hi to. I have once in the past (the only time I've had the courage), but its still hard. I was so excited just from the whole night and especially seeing Olive and Hanifah, that I was giddy. My brother thought I was drunk when I came in. After when he realized I wasn't and was talking about it. He had a perfect analogy for it. He said it was like a young MC and just me Jay Z lol, and he's right.

So yeah its really hard for me to just be all laid back and casual when I see people, who literally helped me get through the hell known as Kentucky. Also how do you say this someone without sounding all overdramatic and crazy. So yes, I will absolutely still get starstruck, because that's just not something you get over too quickly.

Oh and have I mentioned that they are two of the most beautiful women I've EVER seen. I'm just saying so in this spirit you should also vote for them for AfterEllen's Hot 100 and 10 Hottest Women of Color.

Kwanzaa with the Community

So last night I went to the Kwanzaa celebration at the gay and lesbian center in NYC. I wasn't sure if I was going to go at first. I didn't have the back up of one of my friends at first, but I decided that it was a chance to get out and be among other LGBT POC, and maybe meet a nice lady but that was secondary ;-) . Anyway when I got there it was absolutely packed and I got one of the most awkward spots in the whole place, right in the middle of an aisle. But, as I sit down I look up and I see Olive and Hanifah and damn near passed out. Hanifah was one of the first performers and not only did she tear the place up but she looked absolutely gorgeous. I was almost drooling. Then Olive talked about Kujichagulia, and I'm not gonna lie I was a little over zealous in my clapping i felt when she came on, so I was a little more subdued when she went off. But they seriously have to be the most beautiful couple ever. It's very rare that you think both people in the couple are hot, but that's besides the point, back to the celebration. The performers were amazing, but what I loved more than anything is that I know that when Maulana Karenga created Kwanzaa his idea of African people celebrating Kwanzaa didn't included LGBT people, but during the whole celebration the presenters continued to affirm us as Black people and as queer people and it was beautiful. It was so refreshing.

My only complaint was that it seemed a very Christian influenced program. I'm a Christian and I don't really have a problem with people talking about Jesus, but not everyone is Christian and that should be respected also. But actually the Christian presence actually really worked for me and made me feel comfortable. I've found myself uncomfortable lately in heavily Christian situations, and even in church and I couldn't figure out why. Last night made me realize that church wasn't a safe space for me anymore. It used to be I used to love being in church, but after I came out that went away because a lot of the negativity I heard and always feeling like an outsider. Then last night when I was the ultimate insider I felt completely safe. So its definitely a step forward for me. So all in all it was a great night, and I'm glad I went.

Laughing Matters... Next Gen

On Friday I got a chance to see Laughing Matters: Next Gen. I've seen the logo version online already but it was great seeing the whole thing together and longer. I was definitely excited because I got to meet Gloria Bigelow, who I have to say may look beautiful online, but in person is absolutely breath taking! Oh my goodness, she's funny too which is just icing on the cake. Three of the comedians were there, Amy Tee, Gloria Bigelow of course and Daniel Leary.

So the movie was supposed to start at 7:30 but they didn't have the DVD so they needed to stall while we waited for the back up DVD to show up. In an effort to stall Amy offers to do some stand up, which might not have been the best idea. She was funny, me and my friend who came with me were laughing, but everyone else not so much. There were definitely others who weren't so amused. The crowd was rough, they had some weird loud almost hecklers. Then some woman named Michelle Balan showed up and literally grabbed the mic right out of her hand. She seemed to be enjoying the complimentary beverages. She was funny, but definitely line stepping on some of the jokes. She said something to Gloria (I can't remember it now), but Gloria looked too through.

The movie was hilarious and definitely better in the extended version. Daniel Leary was so funny. I loved his bit about how he was an extra in a Kelly Clarkson video, he was supposed to be a manly football player taping his hands, but when the video was complete he looked like he was giving himself a manicure. I just looked up the video and he's right. See for yourself, he's the white football player leaning against the locker at 2:09



All in all a great night and I'll definitely be getting the DVD when it comes out.

Random obsession tidbits

So I just finished participating in the live U People vlog and it is wonderful! It was so much fun, I definitely encourage everyone to tune in at 9pm eastern time and join in.

So has it sunk in yet? We have a Black president! It's crazy, I really didn't think he would win and here we are. I'm so excited and now completely obsessed with the Obamas. You know how some people in the UK are all obsessed with the royal family that's me with the Obamas now. I actually care about all the ridiculous mundane facts about them. Its fun to be so invested in the people that are running our country. I've never been this excited about the future of our country before.

Also all my After Ellen peeps, how surprised are you that Karman and Bridget are married?! I watch Brunch with Bridget faithfully and to find out she's married to Karman is just great and they make such a cute couple too.


Also Katt Williams has a new dvd out and I've only gotten halfway through it, but its soo funny. Here's a cartoon of one part of his routine.

Gone for a minute now I'm back

I don't even know how long its been since I last posted. I've been attempting to post for a while but no post really sticks. I've been staying in Brooklyn for quite a while babysitting my beautiful nephew and being out of my mom's house has brought me out of the depression that I was in. So in some ways I'm feeling much better than I've been since leaving my grad program. Unfortunately I haven't really done any work that I needed to and am digging my self further and further into a hole I don't need to be in. But I'm trying to deal and taking things slowly.

Anyway in some good news I was walking down the street in BK and I saw Olive and Hanifah from U People and nearly lost myself I was so excited. Unfortunately me and my star struckness prevented me from saying hi. But it was still very exciting.

I feel like during this unintentional hiatus I've had so much that I wanted to post about, but now that I'm actually deciding to post, I'm coming up blank. Anyway, I was depressed which is why I was away but now I'm working on reclaiming my life so I'm gonna try and post more regularly.

I fell in love Sunday Night

I just had the amazing pleasure of seeing Lenelle Moise in her play Expatriate. It was amazing, hands down the best play I've ever seen. The descriptions I've seen of the play don't do it justice. The play is more than the story of 2 women who leave the U.S. to escape all the various isms in the U.S. Its really about the very real and complicated relationship between 2 longtime friends Claudie and Althine. I absolutely fell in love with the main character Claudie. I identified with her so much minus lusting after the best friend. She was so real and troubled. I love how Lenelle Moise was able to show how someone can have a life's worth of baggage and issues and still manage to be a whole person. Then there is Althine who is such a familiar character. I feel like everyone has an Althine in their life. You watch Althine go down this self destructive path and you are rooting for her the whole time. the combination of supeb acting and amazing music completely pulled you in. The fusion of jazz, and jazz influenced music just captivated me. The play starred Lenelle Moise and also Karla Mosley who played Althine. Mosley was amazing (I know how many times can I use amazing, but there really is no other word to describe this play). Karla Mosley really owned the character of Althine she made you feel everything Althine was. I will give away that Althine does struggle with addiction, and Karla Mosley played the cracked out singer role so well I felt like I was watching Whitney Houston on Being Bobby Brown. I found myself sitting there and just wondering how I managed to see this amazing play. I wondered how did she create this piece. I love how Claudie is a Lesbian in the play and sexuality is definitely a large part of this work, but its not the only piece. It is not a tragic coming out story, or the same tired story of the poor lesbian forever lusting after her unsuspecting best friend.

Even though Karla Mosley was stunning, I have fallen completely in love with Lenelle Moise, seriously COMPLETELY in love with her. I love a strong intelligent beautiful woman, and Lenelle Moise is all that and more. She not only starred in the play but she also wrote and composed it. I was lucky enough to get a front row center seat for the play and at one point she glanced down and her eyes were piercing. I saw all the passion and emotion she brought to this role. I went on the night where there was a talk back session about Black Queer protagonists and when she came back out she literally took my breath away she was so stunning. I sat there and just soaked up everything she said. Afterward I shook her hand and I got a picture taken with her, but I get so star struck I couldn't say all I wanted to. I wanted to tell her how much this play touched me, even now its hard to describe. I've been really going through a rough time lately and battling some serious bouts depression, and seeing me reflected back not only in the play but in the wonderful example of a strong beautiful Black Queer woman that is Lenelle Moise, really made me feel so much better. She was so nice when I spoke to her briefly and incoherently (damn my starkstruckness!) I was so nervous I forgot to introduce myself and she asked my name and when she asked I was like why would you even care who I am. But, she is that down earth not just putting up with annoying fans. If stalking wasn't annoying, creepy, illegal and a real turn off I would so stalk her lol! If anyone is in the NYC area and wants to go, but doesn't want to go alone I will go with you, because if I bring its less stalkerish....right? lol
But in all seriousness she was able to put together such a beautiful piece of art that didn't just entertain me, but it touched me. Lenelle and Sharon Bridgeforth were talking about the importance of making positive life choices and choosing to be healthy, and I needed to hear that.
After going to this play I felt the way I do when I go to a U People event, I felt at home.

New Music

New Music!!

So I just discovered the wonderfulness that is Adele!

The UK is really doing there thing, Amy Winehouse, Leona Lewis and now Adele. As much as I love Amy Winehouse I think Adele might be gaining on her in my heart. Adele isn't completely strung out on drugs, doesn't have any racist videos circulating, she's beautiful, she's plus sized and can sing her ass off. I love when she was asked about losing weight she said she would lose weight when it began to interfere with her sex life!

So some of my favorite songs from her album are

Her big single Chasing Pavements



Right as Rain



Daydreamer, which is not only beautiful, but also written about her bisexual boyfriend who left her for a man. What I love is that it doesn't go the previous routes of bisexual men in r&b songs. Examples A & B. But enjoy a beautiful song



and hands down my favorite song on the whole album Melt my heart to stone.




Thanks again to the wonderful people at U People, I've again discovered another great artist Joy Denalane. The June mix by DJ Lunaceptive features a song by her not on her album called Torch of Freedom which is amazing! So I did research and absolutely love her whole album. She's talented, beautiful, and conscious. What more can you ask for?!
My favorites are

Heaven or Hell



Stranger in this land




Let Go





and Sometimes Love



She's German, and I wish I knew German because she sounds great. Here's a song of hers in German called Sag´s Mir.



I have no idea what she said but didn't it sound great?


She also represents for her South African roots in the song Soweto '76-'06. There's an English version on her Album Born and Raised, but here's the video from the German version but with subtitles.

Hot 100

After Ellen's Hot 100 is finally up! My wife made a big jump and I'm very happy about that. She's not #1 like she should be, but she knows she's always #1 in my book.

I'm not feeling Tina Fey as #1 especially after her whole bitch is the new black bull shit. I also don't find her hot, but clearly a lot of other people do. However, Sara Ramirez made a big jump to #8 which is amazing and completely deserved. I was shocked that America Ferrera wasn't on the list this year.

So here are some of the women I voted for:

Rose Rollins aka My wife

I don't really need to go into again why she's HOT! Besides the fact that she really is beautiful, she's smart and funny and very down to earth. Also we're getting married duh!

America FerreraI was shocked she didn't make the list this year, she's beautiful! I love her even though she has poor taste in politicians. Last year she was 30 and she just fell off this year.

Sara RamirezBeautiful! Gay friendly! Now playing a Queer character, Sexy! Intelligent! The list goes on and on!

Olive Demetrius and Hanifah Walidah

Olive's shout out aside, they're amazing! Beautiful, intelligent really committed to the community. Made an amazing Documentary which I cited as much as I could remember in my thesis. They're just Great! They didn't make the list but they are included in the video commentary, which is hilarious.

Staceyann ChinShe is definitely beautiful! Completely bad ass, out spoken, opinionated and all around amazing!

Cathy DeBuonoI love Cathy, she has a great Vlog on AfterEllen where she gives out great advice. She's HOT! Rides a motorcycle and just seems like a great human being. Some haters on AE like to make some not so nice comments about her, but they're all crazy. She's AMAZING!!!

I'm famous ya'll

Okay not really but you all know that I love U People and everything they do and faithfully watch their vlog. Well today's new vlog featured the amazing Zanele Muholi. I've posted about her before and she's just amazing. Anyways while I'm enjoying the wonderfulness that is Olive and Hanifah and Olive gives me a shout out! She mentioned me and I actually screamed in my apartment, it actually went more like OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! Lol So if you haven't already experienced the wonderfulness that is the U People click play below.







Also if you're in the NYC area you have to go to their Brooklyn Pride performance on June 12th. The other love of my life Staceyann Chin will be performing along with Hanifah and Shelley Nicole's Blakbushe. I've seen them both perform and you're in for an amazing performance go and watch me be incredible jealous. Click the pic for more info

Little Dragon

Okay I'm pretty sure Hanifah & Olive should put me on their street team lol, but everyone should definitely donate $20 so they can get the U People card. With this card you get to download a mixtape by a different woman DJ each month. The first one was done by DJ Reborn from Ubiquita NYC. The whole mix is amazing I love every song up there. But a couple of songs kept catching my attention and when I went to the site where they had a track listing I found out it was from some group called Little Dragon. So like anyone else would do I goggled them and then found their Myspace page, after listening to a few songs I'm hooked. They are absolutely amazing! This song in particular is so beautiful I could cry.



Now I haven't paid enough attention to the video to understand it, but the song by itself is beautiful.

Can a girl catch a break!

Shelley Nicole's Blak Bushe

Oh What a Night

Last night I was fortunate enough to attend a fund raiser concert for the amazing Documentary UPeople. Which was Directed by Hanifah Walidah and Olive Demetrius. The movie was incredible and I was fortunate enough to be in the NYC area, so I could head to Bed Stuy to Solomon's Porch and enjoy this amazing concert. So here's my long winded recap of the night followed by a link at the end to where you can watch it all yourself.

Unfortunately I get star struck really REALLY BAD! Its really ridiculous, but I had been preparing myself, I watch their weekly Vlogs and absolutely love them. So I was preparing myself to see Olive Demetrius, Hanifah Walidah and Gloria Bigelow but when I saw them I was in shock. I couldn't help but stare at them as they walked by. So if any of you are reading this I was the weird girl staring lol. So as I sat in shock as they walked by my friend reminded me to be cool and not act like the dork I really am. Then the show starts and Gloria Bigelow does an amazing job, she had me cracking up and I still couldn't believe that I got to see her live. Then Hanifah Walidah came on and DAMN! She did an amazing job! The music was on point her energy was incredibly high and her performance was impeccable! When she brought Olive her partner up there for the song "Do you mind" it was so cute. You can see the love emanating from them. I was sitting right next to the window and then I turn and who is outside listening? Toshi Reagon, I was really worried for the other artists because I just couldn't see how anyone could follow that up, but they more than held their own.

Next up we had Shelley Nicole's Blak Bushe, unfortunately I was in the back and the place was packed so I couldn't see her hot legs everyone kept talking about. Her performance was hot though. She started out with a song that made me mad that I was single, and then continued on with my new stressed out life sucks song Black Girls which is on the U People soundtrack. She was amazing, she just picked up the guitar and was jamming the whole crowd was so into it. Then in the middle of her set who walks in? None other than Macy Gray (remember me and how star struck I get, yeah you can only imagine). Shelley Nicole was just amazing!

More on me an my Star struckness, as Shelley nicole finishes her set the couple that was sitting next to me and my friend get up and leave. I see the guy motioning towards someone telling them that there are two seats and then Tika Milan walks over and sits down right next to me. I wanted to say something, I wanted to say I really liked her on I'm from Rolling Stone, I wanted to say she had a cool shirt which she did, but all I did was get really stiff and try to ignore her. I was so nervous I couldn't even smile lol. I did manage to say something to her, when I was waiting to sign my check I asked her for a pen.... I know, monumental conversation.

Next up was Honey Larochelle, and I had seen her on last weeks podcast and she wasn't shy but I did not expect her to have so much energy on stage. She was absolutely amazing, her voice was beautiful and all of the horns. Her song about her mother's advice was so beautiful and touching.

After it was all over, everyone was selling CD's and unfortunately I had less the money than I thought and ran out of money before I could get Hanifah Walidah's CD. She handed me a flyer thing for the movie and I got star struck so all I could do was smile. Now mind you I had hyped myself up as to what I was going to say to her. I was going to tell her that I had sent her a myspace message and taken a picture with her and Olive at their New York screening. I wanted to say how great a job she did and how she's such an inspiration. But what did I do? Smile like a big doof.

Overall the night was amazing, it was filled with amazing Queer women of many colors, and there were also Queer men and straight women and men. It was amazing environment. I didn't want it to end. One last tidbit about how star struck I got as I was walking my friend to the bus stop and we were trying to find the right train for her to take we stopped and asked some women and Gloria Bigelow was one of them and again what did I do? Smile like a doof. Eh, next time I will speak. Now go over to U People and watch for yourself and while you over there you should drop some money their way to support the film. Don't forget to watch their weekly podcast/vlog every week either at UPeople-themovie.com or on AfterEllen.com . Here's a picture of me Hanifah and Olive, at the NYC screening of U People in October. You know I gotta keep my identity secret and all so I've done an artistic rendering of me lol