Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Tired

Do you ever get tired?

Not tired after being on your feet all day at work, or running around doing errands, but just tired of all the bull shit in the world namely all these damn hierarchies. Because, right now I'm really tired. I'm tired of always being in the fucking minority. I'm tired of being gay in a straight world, Black in a white world and a woman in a male world. However, right now I'm especially tired of being gay in a straight world. I'm lucky that I have a few incredible straight friends that allow me to drag them to all these gay events with relatively few objections, but its tiring always being on the outside. I go to these amazing events full of beautiful Queer folks and I'm rejuvenated and energized and then I have to leave that space and deal with ignorance from friends, family and the world at large. I'm tired of being the lone voice of dissent with ignorant comments, and I'm tired of educating others. I'm just so fucking tired. I like to see some version of myself in almost every aspect of my life. So I like watching TV and movies with Queer actors, reading books with Queer characters, and listening to music by Queer musicians (even though I have very few Queer music groups on my ipod), but when I do this and support these works then I'm being biased because I'm gay. I think this is largely due to me being constantly viewed as a special interest, and its fucking annoying.
What really set me off was Beyonce's song "If I was a boy", while I have no problem with her writing a song about being on the other side of her relationship, and I don't think everythinig should be catered to include me, people have the right to write about their experience (now that that disclaimer is out of the way). But, what specifically set me off about that song is where she says
"If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl "
The first thing I thought when I heard those lyrics, was well there are millions of women who know how it feels to love a girl, and it ain't got shit to do with being a boy. Like I said before I get it she wasn't talking about us, (which she has every right to do) but it just reiterated to me how often people aren't talking to us. All those stupid fucking generalizations about what every woman wants which always invariably have something to do with some type of man, which doesn't even apply to all hetero women, but it especially excludes Queer women. I'm just tired of having to be understanding at my exclusion.
I'm just so very tired.

2 comments:

Spirit said...

Wow, I feel you. This was so damn real (especially the parts about always being on the outside-I can so relate). I was actually just trying to come up with a post that captures what I'm feeling today, and how I feel like shit, tired and alone (or at least that's how I feel sometimes) all that the same time.

I was talking to someone earlier about this same topic - about how I always feel like an outsider. I'm black, young, attracted to women, and I have no children. It seems like the entire world is just the opposite.

I feel like shit today, so sorry if I'm a bit negative. Anyway, I enjoyed reading your post.

Spirit

QQ said...

This is exactly how I felt a few years ago when I lived in Tennessee. I felt so isolated and odd just for being who I was.
For me the only remedy for me was creating a "bubble" of people around me. When I was in TN that bubble came in the form of online friends and friends that were just a phone call away. So every time I felt like I was drowning in the straight white world I would call them up or get online, bitch a little and then have a relevant conversation. It made life so much more bare able.

The first chance I got I was out of there (never to return to the south if I can help it) and back in St. Louis where I am surrounded by an even bigger, in person bubble of friends and like minded people.

I know it's sometimes hard to meet new people, especially in our community where it seems a lot of people have a lot of drama, but having just a few people around you that "get it" and feel that same way sometimes makes a world of difference.

“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.” ~Audre Lorde