Sunday, September 06, 2009

Me

Something has been really bothering me lately, it feels like there is so much resistance to me just being me. I feel like in order to "fit" I need to change so many aspects of myself. From the way I dress, to how I live my life. It seems like whatever I do just isn't enough. It isn't ok and I'm so over it. I feel this particularly when it comes to dating. I'm neither butch nor femme or androgynous. I'm just me, my style is very much for comfort, most days I'm wearing jeans, t-shirt and head scarf; and that's how I'm comfortable dressing. I don't like heels, I can't walk in them and they hurt my feet, so I don't wear them anymore simple. I don't wear make up, and I could careless about whether my nail polish is all there. Those things just aren't important to me. Sometimes I like to show of the Venus and Serena with a nice low cut shirt, and I don't like my clothes to be overly loose are tight fitting. This is just who I am, and I'm tired of being made to feel like I need to change these aspects of myself. Unfortunately it seems like to get a date I need to change in some way, dress up, dress down, become more butch or more femme. But, that's not me. QuarterlifeQueer posted an amazing post not too long ago, about life in the middle, and its absolutely beautiful and definitely on time. So often, we are forgotten, us who switch it up and just live in the gray area of an already gray community.

I'm also not one of those extra granola dykes. I care about the environment and what's going on with the earth, but I also like my degree deodorant. If that makes me a hypocrite then so be it. I'm a meat eater and I'm not gonna change that, I even, gasp, eat pork! I know scandalous right? I also like to get drunk every now and then. I reserve the right to be all of this and so much more and I'm not changing any time soon, and if I change it will be my choice and not because I felt pressured.
Yes I'm 25 years old and still a virgin, no I'm not happy about it, but I'm not ashamed either. I'm also not a puppy to be put on display as the 25 yr old virgin. I've also been out for 3 years and haven't been in a relationship with a woman or even kissed a woman, and it has nothing to do with me being unsure about my sexuality. Sure I wish things were different, but they're not. This is my life, these are my experiences. I guess this is all apart of reclaiming me, because this is who I am and I'm tired of feeling bad for it. Hopefully this won't mean that I'm single for the next 30 years, but you know what if changing who I am is what it takes to find someone fuck it! I'll be single.

3 comments:

Ty said...

Sounds cliché but stay true to yourself, your special lady will come traipsing through and love you for you. Even if you change yourself, someone will always have something to say. If you are ok with you, everyone else can sod off.

Fab Fierce Femme said...

Thank you for opening up so much. I love your blog and I'm glad that you are honest about how you are feeling about life in the middle and all the other things that make up who you are..be proud of who you are...and YES there is someone out there who will love you for YOU (who knew that this butch loving femme would settle down with a grrl/boi who feels comfortable in heels just as much as she does in Nike dunks?...but look at us now.. :)

oh and p.s. I came out before I kissed/slept with a girl too :)

QQ said...

Thanks for being so real, there are so many of us out there in the middle trying to figure out why people can't just let us be. Just always remember it's them not you, love who and what you are, and if anyone has a problem with it then you should suggest that they go think about why they feel the need to live in a box and put you in one too.

Stay confident and never change who you are. Any girl that can't love you for you is just missing out.

ps..thanks for the cross reference..us in the middle have to stick together till they all realize how awesome we are ;)

“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.” ~Audre Lorde