Little Dragon

Okay I'm pretty sure Hanifah & Olive should put me on their street team lol, but everyone should definitely donate $20 so they can get the U People card. With this card you get to download a mixtape by a different woman DJ each month. The first one was done by DJ Reborn from Ubiquita NYC. The whole mix is amazing I love every song up there. But a couple of songs kept catching my attention and when I went to the site where they had a track listing I found out it was from some group called Little Dragon. So like anyone else would do I goggled them and then found their Myspace page, after listening to a few songs I'm hooked. They are absolutely amazing! This song in particular is so beautiful I could cry.



Now I haven't paid enough attention to the video to understand it, but the song by itself is beautiful.

Yay Rose/Tasha!!

Wonderful slide show made by Grey Day at the Rose Rollins Fan page.

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Can a girl catch a break!

Shelley Nicole's Blak Bushe

Oh What a Night

Last night I was fortunate enough to attend a fund raiser concert for the amazing Documentary UPeople. Which was Directed by Hanifah Walidah and Olive Demetrius. The movie was incredible and I was fortunate enough to be in the NYC area, so I could head to Bed Stuy to Solomon's Porch and enjoy this amazing concert. So here's my long winded recap of the night followed by a link at the end to where you can watch it all yourself.

Unfortunately I get star struck really REALLY BAD! Its really ridiculous, but I had been preparing myself, I watch their weekly Vlogs and absolutely love them. So I was preparing myself to see Olive Demetrius, Hanifah Walidah and Gloria Bigelow but when I saw them I was in shock. I couldn't help but stare at them as they walked by. So if any of you are reading this I was the weird girl staring lol. So as I sat in shock as they walked by my friend reminded me to be cool and not act like the dork I really am. Then the show starts and Gloria Bigelow does an amazing job, she had me cracking up and I still couldn't believe that I got to see her live. Then Hanifah Walidah came on and DAMN! She did an amazing job! The music was on point her energy was incredibly high and her performance was impeccable! When she brought Olive her partner up there for the song "Do you mind" it was so cute. You can see the love emanating from them. I was sitting right next to the window and then I turn and who is outside listening? Toshi Reagon, I was really worried for the other artists because I just couldn't see how anyone could follow that up, but they more than held their own.

Next up we had Shelley Nicole's Blak Bushe, unfortunately I was in the back and the place was packed so I couldn't see her hot legs everyone kept talking about. Her performance was hot though. She started out with a song that made me mad that I was single, and then continued on with my new stressed out life sucks song Black Girls which is on the U People soundtrack. She was amazing, she just picked up the guitar and was jamming the whole crowd was so into it. Then in the middle of her set who walks in? None other than Macy Gray (remember me and how star struck I get, yeah you can only imagine). Shelley Nicole was just amazing!

More on me an my Star struckness, as Shelley nicole finishes her set the couple that was sitting next to me and my friend get up and leave. I see the guy motioning towards someone telling them that there are two seats and then Tika Milan walks over and sits down right next to me. I wanted to say something, I wanted to say I really liked her on I'm from Rolling Stone, I wanted to say she had a cool shirt which she did, but all I did was get really stiff and try to ignore her. I was so nervous I couldn't even smile lol. I did manage to say something to her, when I was waiting to sign my check I asked her for a pen.... I know, monumental conversation.

Next up was Honey Larochelle, and I had seen her on last weeks podcast and she wasn't shy but I did not expect her to have so much energy on stage. She was absolutely amazing, her voice was beautiful and all of the horns. Her song about her mother's advice was so beautiful and touching.

After it was all over, everyone was selling CD's and unfortunately I had less the money than I thought and ran out of money before I could get Hanifah Walidah's CD. She handed me a flyer thing for the movie and I got star struck so all I could do was smile. Now mind you I had hyped myself up as to what I was going to say to her. I was going to tell her that I had sent her a myspace message and taken a picture with her and Olive at their New York screening. I wanted to say how great a job she did and how she's such an inspiration. But what did I do? Smile like a big doof.

Overall the night was amazing, it was filled with amazing Queer women of many colors, and there were also Queer men and straight women and men. It was amazing environment. I didn't want it to end. One last tidbit about how star struck I got as I was walking my friend to the bus stop and we were trying to find the right train for her to take we stopped and asked some women and Gloria Bigelow was one of them and again what did I do? Smile like a doof. Eh, next time I will speak. Now go over to U People and watch for yourself and while you over there you should drop some money their way to support the film. Don't forget to watch their weekly podcast/vlog every week either at UPeople-themovie.com or on AfterEllen.com . Here's a picture of me Hanifah and Olive, at the NYC screening of U People in October. You know I gotta keep my identity secret and all so I've done an artistic rendering of me lol

Tasha!!!

I just found these clips on youtube of my reason for staying interested in the L Word, Tasha. She is paired with one of my favorite characters Alice and they are just too cute. I'm not really a fan of the aggressiveness that she posesses but its such an improvement over their other portrayals of Black women. So yeah its progress, but enjoy oh and the third clip is definitely not work safe





Again this clip is NOT work safe








::UPDATE:: So as I'm continuing on in my Rose Rollins induced coma I happened upon this blog dedicated to none other than my future wife Rose Rollins! So please go over support and drool. http://roserollinsfanblog.blogspot.com/

It's Christmas eve

Now picture this lady as Black and with locs and you have me. It's Christmas Eve I should be feeling great and stress free. But, I have more applications due in about a week and I'm pretty sure there is no way that I can make the deadline. I'm tempted to drop two more schools from my list. I still haven't finished that last paper, and my head hurts so bad from thinking about this all I have no way to function. I'm going to try and finish everything tomorrow.... pray for me!

Dani, Dani, Dani!!!

As you all know I am horribly addicted to TV. My latest guilty pleasure has been A shot at love with Tila Tequila, which is an absolutely horrible tv show. It only reinforces stereotypes about lesbian and bi women, it subjects these women to so much blatant homophobia and racism that it makes me sick. However, there has been one shining star that has kept me watching and that's Dani Campbell. She is the "futch" firefighter on the show, and is oh so hot! She's down to earth never bad mouthing the other people on the show, and she's just great. I'm so obsessed that anacoana has threatened me if I mentioned her name again, but I can''t help it she's just so damn hot, and that talentless idiot Tila Tequila didn't pick her.

On the one hand I'm happy because she's too good for her, but on the other hand I can't believe she didn't see that Bobby was a troll and Dani a goddess. I just don't get it so. There's my rant on Tila Tequila and now let's all stare at the beauty that is Dani Campbell.

I thought she was hot from the first time I saw her in her firefighter outfit, which you can see at about 2:20 in the video below. You can also get a nice taste of what's wrong with this show from the clip.



Oh an Amanda's a hypocrite she talks about gross "butchy" girls but she was on The secret lives of women: Lipstick lesbians, with her very butch girlfriend.



Anyway back to ::swoon:: Dani!

TASHA!!!!

January 6 can't come soon enough actually December 30 on ourchart

I need a vacation

I need a vacation

I'm so stressed that my eye is twitching. According to this website it can be caused by excessive stress, lack of sleep and fatigue. Yup that sounds about right. DAMN GRAD SCHOOL!

Is this too much?

Remember my whole thing with being "post gay" would buying this be considered going to far?


lol just kidding I don't think I'm going to buy it but I did think about it for like 30 seconds or a minute whatever

Finals time

Finals time is here, I've already completed two papers but I have two more to go for actual grades this semester and this is not counting my thesis stuff and PhD application stuff I need to get done. I'm so stressed out right now words can not describe it. It is times like these that I wonder why I'm in grad school and whether or not I really wanna continue on. I'm so stressed that I can't do anything, and this leads me to further stress out. I'm sitting here and I feel my chest tightening from the weight of this coming week. I don't know if I can really do it all and what are the implications of any of it not getting done. The last time I felt like this I utilized the wonderful gift Di gave me last year for Christmas.
It really helped me last time and hopefully this time it'll work again. I just pray that I make it through this year, and in my PhD program I'll learn how to handle things better. I just can't go on like this there's got to be a better way.

I don't know why but I'm really feeling this song.

2 am teeth grinding

It's 2 am I'm working on a presentation, and what I've come to realize is that I grind my teeth. Does anyone know how to stop this, besides getting rid of the stress in your life?

I love afterellen.com

I love afterellen.com and this is why

Lesbian video from AfterEllen.com

Lesbian video from AfterEllen.com

I would love to write a post

I would love to write a post about my friend's recent assault. I would love to write something so prolific and profound that it somehow made a difference, not only in her life but in the world. I wish that in writing about how I can hear the hurt in her voice, and how someone who always sounds happy and full of life sounds like she's had that beaten out of her. I wish above all that I could somehow take the pain away from my friend. I wish, I wish, I wish that this all never happened.

In search of home

Oh the frustration, I'm home in Connecticut and I have been anxiously waiting to get home and away from the middle of nowhere and all was well for the most part, I got to see my beautiful nephew who absolutely loves me, which is evident in the way I'm consistently able to make him smile. I know that my family loves me, but its not that simple.

This is my first holiday being semi out, I don't know who knows I'm a lesbian and who doesn't. I come home to find out that my mom has outed me to my crazy conservative aunt, knowing that I was thinking that everyone knew. But the environment was very different. Lesbians were brought up several times and it was never in a completely positive light. First I find out that my "player" cousin, who is a sweet heart but is also a dog, he has several kids by several different women. Apparently the latest development is that two of the women are now together. Now discussing this my uncle seemed unable to comprehend such a thing and there were also a bunch of ewwwws. This was by my family who I'm guessing doesn't know about me but my mother kept talking about how she looked like a dyke in this one picture. Then there was a commercial where two womem were kissing and again in typical teenager fashion we heard lots oh ewwwwws.

I've been reading everything I can get my hands on about coming out and coming home for the holidays, but I still wasn't prepared for all of this. I'm beginning to understand why so many queer folks have created families. If my family's general ambivalence and disdain towards lesbians weren't enough there were the 3 fights with my older sister, in which I get accused of holding my degree over everyone's heads, made me yearn for this even more. Unfortunately some experiences with "friends" have left me less than hopeful about getting this family.

But this week home has made me want that safe place, that place where I'm understood and accepted. But I don't even know if that place exists so I'm on my way back to the middle of no where and to my apartment where I may be alone but at least I don't have to put up with no bull shit

I'm ready to go back

I think I'm ready to go back to Church. I just finished watching Sunday's Best on BET, its basically a gospel American Idol and I was just hit with the spirit through my TV and I realized I miss church. I didn't think about who was judging me, but all I cared about was restoring my relationship with God. Now I know everyone has their own path to God, but I think I need to return to my path through Christianity. I know I'll find the right path, but I have to say this show just reminded me about what I loved about church. I miss that! So I don't know how but I'm going to find a church where I can be comfortable and worship God.

Laptop Etiquette

Okay so right now as I'm typing this I'm in class, and yeah yeah sure I shuld be paying complete attention, but come on let's be real one of the main reasons why I have my laptop is so that I can surf the web when I'm bored i nclass. I get it, and completely recognize that this is one of the reasons why many people use their laptops in class, and I'm okay with it. I still get my work done though. My problem though is that while I am very quietly doing something else this loud heffer in front of me is typing away so fucking loudly that I want throw something at her. She's tap tapping away and its annoying as hell so in light of this I decided to post some laptop etiquette for the classroom, just in case this annoying heffer in front of me happens to read this.

1. try and type softly and quietly, while you may be able to deal with your loud tapping the rest of the class wants to cause you severe bodily harm (well maybe that last part is just me)

2. If you are going to go online and surf the web do not sit in a spot where the majority of the class can see what you're doing, its distracting.

3. try to at least appear to be taking notes in class, open up a word document and only type when it would seem appropriate to do so. We all know you're not paying attention, even the professor does, but it's rude to not even attempt to hide it.

4. TURN YOUR SOUND OFF!!!! Now I'm guilty of this every once in a while so a few times are excusable , but please try remember to mute your computer no one wants to hear all the random noises computers make.

If you follow these four simple rules you will be alright

Kate Moennig I'm calling you out!

Just watched the new promo for the L word and all I only have one message for Kate Moenning

STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE!!!!

I understand its hard with Rose being so damn hot, but I would really appreciate it if you would stay away from my wife and stop trying to ruin our marriage. Thank you

Sincerely Journey Woman aka Mrs. Rose Rollins


Katherine "Kate" Moennig




Here's the promo

I don't think I'm going to vote tomorrow

I don't think I'm going to vote tomorrow and I feel horrible about it. I completely forgot that tomorrow was election day, and then realized that in my present state the big race is the race for governor, and I know who is running but they both suck. What I realized here is that everyone is conservative. At the recent gubernatorial debate, both candidates got into an extended argument over hunting.... HUNTING! Forget all the crazy shit they should be focusing on, they want to argue over who can kill more innocent animals. Now I'm no vegetarian, or even extreme animal rights person, but I just can't get with hunting. What do candidates use for smere tactics who is more a liberal. Here being liberal is a bad word. So after a recent story on just how conservative these candidates are I just can't bring myself to vote for either of them, and with the exception of the new proposed library tax I know very little about what's going on. So because of all of this I don't think I'm going to vote. This is rough considering I value voting, my mother instilled the importance of voting from the time I was a child. She would take us in the voting booth with her, and it was always such a big deal to get to pull the lever. So to not vote is killing me, but I just don't think that it would be responsible of me to do so. Ahh I don't know what to do, I might cave.

Diet Woes

Okay so now a real post, besides just random pictures of my facebook avatar, because damn that was kinda pathetic.

Well I'm on a diet, and I fucking hate it!! I hate having to say no to food that I really really want. I'm currently over 200 lbs, but I carry it well if I do say so myself, but not well enough for me to stop hating my body. I'm just tired of being a big girl, I'm tired of being "thick" I'm tired of not feeling sexy. I just want to be thin, but I know I'll never be thin my body just wasn't built to be thin. But I can be thinner than I am right now. So finally getting tired of being fat I decided to change my eating habits. I'm taking baby steps towards my goal. I already walk 2 miles three times a week to my job, so I figure combine that with better eating habits and eventually some motivation and I will lose weight. I've tried to set up exercise schedules for myself but it doesn't work because I'm not that motivated. Eventually I will exercise in my house, but I hate gyms and am against anyone seeing me in work out clothes. People who don't have serious weight problems don't know what its like to be a big person and go to the gym. I always feel like people are watching me, and judging me. Its intimidating to go into the gym where these skinny minis are jogging on the treadmills and I'm in pain after a short time. I've tried going to the gym when I was in undergrad with my friends, who with the exception of one are a lot thinner than I am and I felt embarrassed. So now I don't do gyms, maybe when I lose some weight and am feeling more comfortable I will but for now its not gonna happen. I'm dieting because I hate being the fat girl, I hate that I hate my body.


Dieting is hard, right now all I want is a cupcake or a cupcake like food. I get these weird cravings for sweet and starchy foods, and nothing really satisfies me but something like that, but part of my diet is seriously cutting back on the sweets. I just ate the last sweet thing in my apt, which was a toaster's strudel pastry. Now my house is sweet free. I bought sugar free Jello for when I want something sweet, and I have only wheat bread products in my house. Wheat English muffins, breads and pastas. I don't have any juice or soda only 5 calorie Crystal light, and water. I'm also drinking water now which my friends know is a big deal. I eat lots of veggies and have cut down on my beef and given up on pork entirely. I'm really trying to make a change, but times like now make that really really hard. So hopefully by the fall I'll be about 50 pounds lighter and a lot happier.

random

So I recognize I haven't posted in a while, all is well. My family is still dealing with my cousin being pregnant, but no one besides her mother is freaking out. But, we're moving on. Anyway trying to figure out this whole PhD program, and thesis mess, but when I'm procrastinating like I often do I play the games on facebook and they allow to create your own avatar. So just to post here is my tofoo and the many ways I've changed it

I feel like I'm in mourning

I feel like I'm in mourning, and I feel bad about it. I'm mourning the loss of my little cousin's childhood, she's fifteen and its all over now, its time for her to become an adult and I'm so sad about it. I'm feeling so many conflicting things I don't even know how to describe it. She's had it rough especially these last couple of years. She's had to deal with sexual abuse, her mother and all her craziness, and just instability in her life. But, through it all I've tried to remind her of how beautiful she is, and how she can accomplish anything. I was fighting for her so hard because I saw this coming. The signs were all there low self esteem, crazy home life, lack of parental attention, and all the wrong attention from boys. I saw from when she lost her virginity at 13 to a boy who lied about his age and didn't care about her at all. And now, as if her life hasn't been hard enough its about to get even harder because her life is no longer her own. I spoke to her briefly online today and she told me how in between her mother screaming and cussing her out her mother finally told her that she's HIV positive. She's been positive for the last 10 years of her life, and admits all this stress now she has more to deal with. I'm so mad at her though and I hate that I'm mad at her but I am, because while there have been so many people fighting for her she hasn't been fighting for herself. She's never allowed herself to dream about big things, and I'm mad about that. She's beautiful, intelligent, talented and just a great person but she doesn't see that in herself and it hurts. I just don't know how to proceed because since I've found out this has been the most I've been able to speak on this. I just don't know what to do.

My 15 year old cousin is pregnant

My 15 year old cousin is pregnant.

I don't know what to do with this all, she's only 15. She can't drive, vote, or even get a job, but she's going to be a mother. I can't be excited like usual when we learn of a new baby on the way, because the mom's not ready. She's committed to keeping the baby, but I can't see her as a mother. I remember when she was born, she can't even manage her own life. I don't even know what else to say once this sinks in maybe I'll be able to write a more coherent post

I need friends ya'll

Yes I do have friends but I mean myspace friends. I just created another profile that's separate from my personal myspace page, I still need to conceal my secret identity lol. So if you have a page how about you add me and we can be friends okay? thanks

Myspace.com/journey2enlightenment

So I’ve been thinking more and more about white liberals and white people in general. Growing up in the US as a Black woman who later discovered that she was a lesbian has definitely influenced my outlook on life. I’ve always gone to integrated schools, and I’ve been so use to being the only person of color or one of a few in a classroom that I hardly even notice it anymore. I still get annoyed and aggravated when I don’t see any people of color on a television show, but not aggravated enough to stop watching.

As I’m writing this I’m in class, a class about sexuality from a historical perspective and in this class I’m one of two people of color out of about 20, and it’s a shame to say that its to the point that I forget that I’m out numbered because it happens so often in my life. But in this class there is usually one of my good friends a nice white liberal, she got her masters in Black studies and studies post colonial Africa, she’s aware of her privilege supposedly, but I have to constantly still call her on some of the stupid and down right ignorant things she says. She takes pride in being so open minded, progressive, she talks about it all the time. She calls herself a Black feminist; she even created a facebook group for progressive white people. She talks about not caring about being the only white person or one of two in a class, but I don’t think she really gets it. I don’t think most white people really get it, even white liberals.

They talk about being allies but in the end they’re all more concerned with getting their “black card,” being considered down. It’s sickening. People of color are expected to get used to being out numbered in work, school and everywhere else outside of their community and when in this world we must conform to their standards for everything. While they claim to have relinquished their privilege, they really haven’t but rather they have transformed the ways in which they gain their privilege. Now they want to be applauded and celebrated for their willingness to enter the world of the colored people, and not lynching them as they enter. I’m just so tired of it all dealing with them, now while I’m saying they and them I don’t mean all white liberals and certainly not all white people. I’m just tired of putting up with all the bull shit.

There is a quote by Barbara Smith that says

“Quiet as it's kept, whether we are "rioting" or not, most African Americans live every day with greater or lesser amounts of rage toward white people and the system that gives them power and privilege to decimate our lives. I know I do”

and I think that’s what I’ve been dealing with more and more lately I have a lot of anger built up inside against white people and I do mean this in a general way. This isn’t to say that there aren’t white people that I love dearly, but deep down I’m pissed at them for the privilege that they have and use everyday. I’m working on this anger because I realize that this isn’t healthy. I’ve been reading Alice Walker’s the temple of my familiar and I have been captivated by the gospel according to Shug if you haven’t read them before here they are:

HELPED are those who are enemies of their own racism; they shall live in harmony with the citizens of this world, and not with those of their ancestors, which has passed away, and which they shall never see again.

HELPED are those born from love: conceived in their father's tenderness and their mother's orgasm, for they shall be those - numbers of whom will be called "illegitimate" whose spirits shall know no boundaries, even between heaven and earth, and whose eyes shall reveal the spark of the love that was their own creation. They shall know joy equal to their suffering and they will lead multitudes into dancing and Peace.

HELPED are those too busy living to respond when they are wrongfully attacked: on their walks they shall find mysteries so intriguing as to distract them from every blow.

HELPED are those who find something in Creation to admire each and every hour. Their days will overflow with beauty and the darkest dungeon will offer gifts.

HELPED are those who receive only to give; always in their house will be the circular energy of generosity; and in their hearts a beginning of new age on Earth: when no keys will be needed to unlock the heart and no locks will be needed on the doors.

HELPED are those who love the stranger; in this they reflect the heart of the Creator and that of the Mother.

HELPED are those who are content to be themselves; they will never lack mystery in their lives and the joys of self-discovery will be constant.

HELPED are those who love the entire cosmos rather than their own tiny country, city, or farm, for to them will be shown the unbroken web of life and the meaning of infinity.

HELPED are those who live in quietness, knowing neither brand name nor fad; they shall live every day as if in eternity, and each moment shall be full as it is long.

HELPED are those who love others unsplit off from their faults; to them will be given clarity of vision.

HELPED are those who create anything at all, for they shall relive the thrill of their own conception, and realize a partnership in the creation of the Universe that keeps them responsible and cheerful.

HELPED are those who love the Earth, their mother, and who willingly suffer that she may no die; in their grief over her pain they will weep rivers of blood, and in their joy in her lively response to love, they will converse with trees.

HELPED are those whose every act is a prayer for harmony in the Universe, for they are the restorers of balance to our planet. To them will be given the insight that every good act done anywhere in the cosmos welcomes the life of an animal or a child.

HELPED are those who risk themselves for others' sakes; to them will be given increasing opportunities for ever greater risks. Theirs will be a vision of the world in which no one's gift is despised or lost.

HELPED are those who strive to give up their anger; their reward will be that in any confrontation their first thoughts will never be of violence or war.

HELPED are those whose every act is a prayer for peace; on them depends the future of the world.

HELPED are those who forgive; their reward shall be forgetfulness of every evil done to them. It will be in their power, therefore, to envision the new Earth.

HELPED are those who are shown the existence of the Creator's magic in the Universe, they shall experience delight and astonishment without ceasing.

HELPED are those who laugh with a pure heart; theirs will be the company of the jolly righteous.

HELPED are those who love all the colors of all the human beings, as they love all the colors of animals and plants; none of their children, nor any of their ancestors, nor any parts of themselves, shall be hidden from them.

HELPED are those who love the lesbian, the gay, and the straight, as they love the sun, the moon, and the stars. None of their children, nor any of their ancestors, nor any parts of themselves, shall be hidden from them.

HELPED are those who love the broken and the whole; none of their children, nor any of their ancestors, nor any of themselves shall be despised.

HELPED are those who do not join mobs; theirs shall be the understanding that to attack in anger is to murder in confusion.

HELPED are those who find the courage to do at least one small thing each day to help the existence of another - plant, animal, river, or other human being. They shall be joined by a multitude of the timid.

HELPED are those who lose their fear of death; theirs is the power to envision the future in a blade of grass.

HELPED are those who love and actively support the diversity of life; they shall be secure in their differentness.

HELPED are those who know.

What I love is that she’s really talking about dealing with your anger, and even in the book one of the character’s is struggling because she keeps having dreams where she’s killing white people and then trying to put them back together. She’s struggling because she doesn’t want to do this but she keeps having these dreams. I think what Alice walker was talking about was this underlying anger. All I know is that I’m going to have to do something to deal with this anger and the white liberals that I’m coming in to contact with.

new baby

Congrats to my bestest friend ever on the birth of her beautiful little boy! I just wanted to officially post this online. I got to see him yesterday and he is tied with my nephew for the cutest baby ever, well at least in my eyes I know to each respective parent their son is number one. She's a great mom already and I can't wait to see her walk fully in her momdom lol

You know there is a lot going on in politics right now, and I just finished watching Life and Debt about the IMF and how it has screwed up Jamaica. The more I think about our current administration, and I would like to write a very intelligent critique about President Bush, but all I can think of to say is

FUCK YOU BUSH
FUCK YOU!!!
FUCK YOU'RE FUCKED UP WAR!
FUCK YOU!
FUCK YOU!
FUCK YOOOOOOU!!

That is all

I can't stand all this waiting!!!!!
I'm documenting all my anxiousness while I wait for news on Anacoana, and the baby. Its driving me crazy it is currently a little after midnight and the last I heard from her it was at 8 and she was doing great. its been 4 hours and I can't stand the not knowing, is she close what's going on? how does she feel? we joke and say that I'm the third parent and I feel like the father pacing outside the hospital room waiting to hear whether his child has been born. I can't take it!!!! So Anacoana when you read this later, as well as all the notes on your myspace, and facebook just know that I'm going crazy!!!

procrastination

marriedtothesea.com

Baby Watch 2007 ...

Is almost complete because


ANACOANA IS IN LABOR RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!


Go over and wish her luck she won't see it until after she comes home, but it'll be much appreciated.

I'm already an Auntie as of Sept 6th, now I'm about to be a god mom as of I'm gonna say the 3rd

Do I get my Lesbian card now?

Okay so I have a confession.... I'm not very proud of it, I feel a little cliche but I just downloaded a Melissa Etheridge song from itunes. I'm just trying to get my official Lesbian card, and hopefully with that I will also get my gaydar because Damn it, it would really come in handy. But, that's besides the point, but yes I downloaded a Melissa Etheridge song, her new one A message to myself



Its actually not that bad of a song, but I'm just branching out my musical tastes, because I grew up in the Black people don't listen to rock, country or anything that can be construed as "White people's music", and its been hard for me to break that hold. But I've been making some steps like I really like the group the Cliks, but the Melissa Etheridge thing brings up a whole new group of issues, mainly I don't wanna be that girl more specifically that lesbian, you know that super lesbian, who just came out and is all about everything rainbows, and lesbian, you know she cuts her hair gets super militant. There was even a post on Ourchart.com about it, the blogger talked about being post gay, and I just don't want to be that girl, but at the same time I feel like I'm still letting others dictate how I'm going to express my sexuality. I guess when it comes down to it I've never wanted to be the super trendy follow everyone type of girl, and that works to my disadvantage sometimes. So I don't know for all my queer folks out there are you post gay?

Forever Journeying

I don't know if its just me, but it seems like the times when you are on the cusp of change, of a real breakthrough, thats when everything seems to fall apart. I feel like something big is about to happen, not necessarily big in the sense of something visible or even remarkable to people other than me, but something is about to happen. I have reached a new place in my journey, I'm becoming comfortable in who I am, comfortable enough to fight for it, which I haven't necessarily been ready to do before. I haven't been able to post as much as I would like lately because I've just been so overwhelmed by life, by everything. I am currently taking 4 courses trying to work on my thesis without a committee, apply to grad programs and possibly retake the GRE's. I'm just feeling overwhelmed by it all, and sometimes I feel like I just can't do it and I wanna throw up my hands and quit which is evident by my last post. However, admits all of this I've been having some incredible joys namely the birth of my nephew
I haven't even met him yet, but I already love him. Soon I Anacoana should have her little man, and I also am looking forward to him, because new life brings hope. With all thats going on I've just felt less willing to lie, hide or compromise myself in anyway. I recently got a call from a former fundie friend of mine who I've been avoiding for the past year. She called and said she missed me and asked about whether I was involved in any churches, or youth groups. I didn't tell her about how I've been walking in my identity as a Black lesbian and that I was proud of that. I didn't tell her, I just let her keep her ideas about me and continue to pray for me. But my interaction with her, and my feelings in general about life and everything, have led me to not fear being outed so much anymore. I'm ready to let go of any and everyone who can't deal with me, all of me. Being a lesbian is important but its not all of me and anyone who can't see passed that in my life can leave my life and I'm finally ready to let them go. I'm more confident in my identity as a lesbian, yes I am 23 and a virgin, yes I have never been with a woman as of yet, but this does not mean that I am any less of lesbian or sure of my sexuality. I am no longer ready to let people project their insecurities on to my life. I really feel like a change is about to happen, like I'm finally going to reach that next level in my journey. I'm not sure where its going to take me, but I'm ready for the ride.

dating rant

So here's the deal I've been about to myself for almost two years and friends and family a year and a half. I've been processing, dealing, reading, preparing everything I felt I needed to do to get myself accustomed to my new reality of living as an out black lesbian in the USA. I purposely have not tried to hard to seek a relationship for a while because I realized that I needed to get me ready, but now I feel I'm ready and open, and just waiting for the experience of being in a relationship. But, the problem is that I live in a southern city with approximately 2.5 "available" black women who are interested in women (I'm not even talking about identifying as a lesbian. I don't care I'll date someone who is bi, all I care about is that you're in to women).

So yeah my dating options are severely limited, I have this one girl who I went on a datelet (you know more than just chilling, but not an official date) with, but that night she was too high to function and when she met my friends when they came down she hit on one of them and basically acted like an ass. Despite this all I still find her attractive and when drunk last weekend threw myself at her all night, then completely missed her signal of "let's get it on" which in hind sight was a good thing. But despite this all I'm stuck, frustrated and anxious to get over this whole first business over, you know first girlfriend, lover, heartbreak etc...
So I guess the message of the night is DAMN THIS TOWN!!! I NEED A GIRLFRIEND!

Following this random post 3:45am post I think I will follow TS and anacoana's trend and adopt post midnight blogging guidelines.

Grad School is bad for my health

Its true, this past week I've had about two near breakdowns, why? Because grad school is bad for my health. The amount of stress to perform and perform well is agonizing. The constant negotiation of identity in spaces that were created so that people like you would not survive is sometimes too much. I felt completely overwhelmed by all of the shit I have to get done in order to become a PhD, even just a MA because damnit I have no other options. This is the only thing I love and also loathe. Its stressful, but when I see my research actually making a difference it seems like its worth it, until I get the next nasty look or slide comment from a professor. So Grad school is more than bad for my health its like a methadone, just an exchange of one drug for another, you'd like to be completely drug free but hopefully this will allow you to live a healthy and happy life. I don't know if I'm making any sense this has just been on my mind, and I wanted to post it. piece of advice STAY AWAY FROM GRAD SCHOOL!!

Just a little something for your Sunday



Damn Jennifer Hudson can SANG!!!

not sing but SANG

there's a difference

That's right everyone my sister in law is currently in labor right now, and soon I shall be an Auntie!!!

ranting and music

Wow I really hadn't noticed that its been so long since my last post. This school year has been kicking my ass hard, already. But its a good ass kicking... I think, I guess I'll find out later. I've gotten renewed motivation in my research, because this ass hole of a kid recently commenting on the Black Lesbian lives, that is being offered this semester, said that its the most irrelevant course ever. Really? Black lesbian lives are irrelevant and not worth being studied? I'm so glad that I found out that I have no place in studies that are supposed to be studying Black people as a whole, because obviously my life is irrelelvant. Everytime I think about what he said I get more and more angry, fortunately I wasn't there for his little speech, which later included him saying what's next a class on "Retarded Black lesbian midgets with one eye"? Isn't he a great guy? But it is people like him that make me research Black SGL (same gender loving) women. So FUCK HIM! and all of his fucked up ideologies!

On other news I've been so obsessed with music lately. I just bought Ledisi's album and it's pretty amazing! I've been playing it non stop since I got it here's a little glimpse



Thanks to After Ellen to a link to Alicia Keys' new single which I've played 10 times in a row

Alicia Keys NO ONE (new audio)
Uploaded by kurb35

For my Sisters

As I was writing a letter to my friend who is studying in Trinidad right now, this song cycled through my play list.



This is one of my favorite movies, and definitely one of my favorite parts in the movie. I loved Shug and Celie's relationship in the movie and even more in the book, because it showed women connecting on a much deeper level. Their relationship wasn't for anyone else, but it was for them.



There's just something beautiful about it. As I was writing I just wanted to insert the song in to my letter for my friend. Not just the lyrics but the smooth sound of Shug's voice the empowerment that she conveyed was just amazing. This isn't to take away from the lyrics

Sister, you've been on my mind
Sister, we're two of a kind
So, sister, I'm keepin' my eye on you.

I betcha think I don't know nothin'
But singin' the blues, oh, sister,
Have I got news for you, I'm something,
I hope you think that you're something too

Scufflin', I been up that lonesome road
And I seen alot of suns going down
Oh, but trust me,
No-o low life's gonna run me around.

So let me tell you something Sister,
Remember your name, No twister
Gonna steal your stuff away, my sister,
We sho' ain't got a whole lot of time,
So-o-o shake your shimmy Sister,
'Cause honey the 'shug' is feelin' fine.

I already posted a clip from the documentary, but every time I go to that site and see a clip I feel more and more empowered, why? Because it reminds me that I have a community out there. I'm not alone, there are other Black women struggling with the same things I am. That's when I remember how important it is for me to be out and to seek out other Black lesbians. Another clip they have posted features Hanifah Walidah talking about the necessity of having elders in your life who have been through the same thing.



I love how she points out that as precious your relationship with you mother is, you still need others. As much as I love my friends and they've been there for me through so much, I still need my Black lesbian community, because there are somethings that my friends will never understand, and that's okay. When I'm around other Black lesbians I feel at home. Its a feeling that I can not explain, and I feel good when I can encourage another sister struggling with her sexuality. Earlier this week I spoke with a sister who has long declared that she's open to having a relationship with a woman, is now struggling with the implications of this relationship now that it is a possibility to actually occur. She was saying things that I had long felt and understood, and we got to just talk. I don't know if I gave her great insight, but I told her what I needed to hear when I was dealing with my own sexuality... It is okay. Something so simple, It is okay to love who I love, and to be who God created me to be. I look at how I have changed since graduating from undergrad and how my life has changed, and I'm happy with all of the changes, because I am a stronger person for them. I still have a ways to go, but what is important is that I'm going, and on this long journey I'm not alone. I have my sisters and I know that I'll be able to make it.

Black Womyn Conversations

I'm so excited for this documentary, words can't even describe it. I'm in awe of Tiona M, and the film hasn't even come out yet, but just check out this clip. For more info check out her blog

Funk/soul

Oh Shit 2 posts in one day!!

After Ellen just put up an amazing playlist of funk/soul sistas and wow! It is on point minus Beyonce! go check it out!

Mia Michaels is the Shit!

No more explanation just watch and enjoy

Music

I looove Music!!!!

The right song is the perfect compliment to whatever you're feeling. There are the songs you play when you're mad and want to calm down and then their are songs you play when you're mad and want to stay mad. I find that most of my music is more to calm me down and keep me mellow. Have you ever found that when you put your music on shuffle sometimes you hit a few songs which are just perfect. Thats what just happened. I was listening to music and then Luther Vandross' since I lost my baby came on, and that started me off with blasting my music then next was Corinne Bailey Rae "til it happens to you" which I've included below for your pleasure.



Then we had Chaka Khan Through the fire,



and it was just beautiful so I wanted to share with you all as much as I could. What music just puts you in that place of calm, and relaxation that you crave?

Trip home

I don't see how it is that I updated more when I was in Trinidad than since I've been home. It has been a whirlwind week. I got back from Trinidad late on the 3rd and flew home to CT on the 9th. In between then I had to reclaim my house from fruit flies, try and organize/unpack a little more, and also write a paper for my Trinidad class, which I still haven't done. Fortunately I had a great time being home; I spent most of my time in some area of NYC and mainly with anacoana because it was her baby shower. The baby shower was simply amazing; it was great seeing so many people I haven't seen since I graduated a year ago. It was interesting trying to be true to who I am now as opposed to the person I was when I graduated. I didn't want to slip in to the old image of me, but I am still having a hard time completely breaking that old image and revealing the true me. This was evident in how I awkwardly was walking around with a beer, or how I had to sneak and make myself a drink so to not draw attention to me. I already had to answer a few "oh my goodness is that a beer in your hand?" which was nothing but awkward. I didn't come out to anyone this weekend and mainly kept my sexuality quiet, but this weekend wasn't about announcing my sexuality to people it was about celebrating the pending arrival of my Godson. There was only one instance in which it would have been relevant for me to announce my sexuality, and I didn't in that instance because I was involved in a debate with a "friend" about whether heterosexism was an important system of oppression. In that case I didn't feel like he was worthy of getting to know more about me.

As I said before the baby shower was beautiful, not only did I get to hang out with my best friend but I also got to chill with TS. Being around Anacoana makes me not want to get pregnant, not because she was miserable and made pregnancy look like it, but because she's like 8.5 months pregnant and is carrying it so well, and I know I won't be as fortunate. But overall she's going to be an amazing mother, and I can't wait to see what her little boy is going to look like.

I also got to hang out with my brother and sister in law and see her belly. She's about 2.5 weeks ahead of anacoana and my little nephew is already 6.5 pounds and he still has a month to go. My family doesn't have little babies; I was my mom's lightest at 8 pounds. Unfortunately my sister in law hasn't enjoyed the minimal weight gain like anacoana and has gained weight everywhere but is still beautiful and glowing. I also had a very interesting conversation with my brother concerning my sexuality. It was weird and slightly frustrating because he was asking about the elephant in the room, and I didn't feel like I was purposefully ignoring the subject of my sexuality it just didn't have any place in the conversation that we were having, he was encouraging me to talk about it more with my mom, which was weird because I don't feel like I hide anything from my mom. While I understand his point that my mom wants to talk about it more, but I simply will not be rushed/pushed on anything anymore. What I feel like my family doesn't understand is that this has nothing to do with them. My sexuality is not about them, it is about me. I understand they want to know more and be involved, but I'm not going to go at a rate that is uncomfortable to me in order to appease them, and they're just going to have to deal with it. So this has been overall a very interesting little visit.

I'm back and bored

So thanks to AfterEllen.com I discovered morphthings.com which allowed me to envision many possibilities

like what would me and Rose Rollins' daughter look like


Sorry Laura but I had to see what me and Sara Ramirez's daughter would look like and she's cute too



then Me and Staceyann Chin




then what about Rose Rollins and Staceyann Chin



me and Salma Hayek



Sara Ramirez and Jennifer Hudson...me and Laura's fantasy women



and finally another one of my fantasies me and Jennifer Hudson

Happy Emancipation Day!!!!

Today was one of the most exhilarating days that I've ever had here in Trinidad. This whole entire trip was worth it all if only for the Emancipation day parade. Today I was able to take part in an Emancipation day celebration and it was beautiful. Here in Trinidad along with some festivities building up to today, Emancipation day is celebrated with a Kambule, a procession through out Port of Spain. It was absolutely beautiful! This is how I described it in an email to someone today and it fit so I'm not going to just paste it here.

It was amazing, the solidarity, and the love. For this one day we could forget all of what the Colonizers did to try and make us forget our history our people, our heritage, and we were all African again. It was beautiful as far as my eye could see there were tons of Beautiful Black people in African clothing. It was amazing, all you heard was African music and Calypso songs about Africa and the beauty in being Black. The walk was long but beautiful filled with the beautiful beat of the drum. After today I understand more than ever how the drum is the heart beat, because the bass was so loud that I felt the beat in my heart literally and it felt like it was completely in tune with the beating of my heart. It was beautiful! As we were walking I felt like I was apart of a larger community. I felt like I was surrounded by my people and that in the end we will win. I'm trying my best to describe it, but words can't do it justice. The whole day I kept trying to take pictures, record sound, do something to capture this wonderful movement and send it on. I didn't mean to type movement but I decided to leave it because it fits so well, it’s a movement to remember our collective past and celebrate our future.

This celebration was not only for those who were forced out of Africa by the slave trade, but also those that left voluntarily years later and those who still remain there. Because Emancipation day is about remembering our past and healing/restoring ourselves. We all suffered at the hands of colonialism and this is the celebration of our continued struggle against it. I'm trying my best to describe everything I saw and felt and heard, but it’s impossible. Sometime when we were transported from Africa to the various countries we stopped being African, we became American, Trinidadian, Brazilian, Dominican etc, but today we were all one. I saw people of all ages out celebrating; children with their parents and the elderly who could barely walk, but came out to celebrate this wonderful day. Emancipation Day is something everyone needs to experience at least once in their lives, because after it you will never be the same.

thoughts before bed

I'm so tired, so this is going to be a short post, but I've been having some amazing experiences in the past couple of days. I didn't get to adequately say how much I loved Tobago, it was beautiful and I'll never forget it. I feel like I've been focusing so much on the negatives that I've been experiencing here that I've haven't talked about the good times I'm having. The Old time wedding in Tobago was great. I love how the culture has been maintained here. Obviously things have changed but I feel like they're so much more connected here than we are in the US. Tonight was a perfect example, it was the opening ceremony for the emancipation celebration. Just seeing the people of all ages join in and celebrate our history and triumphs was beautiful.

Last night all the students from my program had dinner at our professor's house and we got to mingle with other faculty. I met this amazing woman from the Women's Studies program here and she blew my mind. I intend on writing a more full post about her later, but she just inspired me and reminded me that Women of Color are feminists too and have been for just as long as white women. Well I can barely hold my eyes open, but on some more good news I've been able to pick up a fleeting signal on my laptop and have been able to get some of the cites that have been censored! So I'm feeling good!!

These words won't do any justice

I've been working on this post all weekend, going over and over in my mind how I could convey in words what I'm feeling. I am in a beautiful country and having the best and worst time ever! I love it here because I have really gotten a chance to commune with nature. I've swam with the fish, swam in the middle of the ocean hung out in a waterfall and lounged on a clear beach. I've fallen in love with the people of this country and have enjoyed this short respite from the continued presence of white privilege over me. However, I have had about enough of feeling alien because I love women.

After a near perfect day of the ocean and other cultural activities we go out and what do we hear but a song about how evil homosexuality is. Its bad enough that the song is playing but the majority of the club join in on the chorus that calls for violence against gays. At this moment I stand there amongst friends and just watch as they dance completely oblivious to the hate coming out of the speakers. I never felt more alone before. Later when I bring it up they do their best to try and understand and sympathize but they can't, because they just don't get it. Flash forward to today as I sit in class and hear our Professor talk about how many Calypso singers find homosexuality funny, and then he goes on and discusses how the idea of a Gay minister of govt is foreign to them, but not as foreign as other countries. He was only half trying to not seem completely biased and disgusted, but it was there. Then after class I have to defend all LGBT people to one of my classmates as he tries to argue that its understandable why people are homophobic and ignore LGBT people. At this point I had to fight back the urge to scream, cry and just run away from this all. This is all too much to handle at sometimes.

I want to hold on to my people and this country so tight, but I can only do this if I deny who I am. I find myself now in a bind, do I continue to blend? Or do I make a stand? Do I even have the agency and authority to make such a bold stand? Where is my safe place? Where is my place where I can go to get rejuvenated? How do I explain something that I can't even put in words to people who claim to be my friends here? Is it even worth it? These are all the questions that are constantly running through my head. I'm just at a point where I don't know where to go from here.

One of the few LGBT sites that isn't blocked is Jasmyne Cannick's blog, and while I don't agree with everything she says all the time, I do get a lot of useful information from here. She just posted this article from a local newspaper and a gay man was talking about how he doesn't have his rights, and all the ways that Trinidad and Tobago should improve in terms of its relations with LGBT people. This article let me know that by being a lesbian and not from here it is illegal for me to be here. Elton John had to get a special license to come and perform. I am absolutely astonished. I want to cling to the people here so bad because I feel like we are so similar, but I can't because I refuse to deny who I am.

My new favorite animal

Last night I saw the most amazing thing, I got a chance to see leatherback sea turtles lay their eggs. It was amazing. I felt slightly intrusive, you know basically watching a woman give birth, but it was beautiful. They only come to a few beaches in the world and this beach in Trinidad happens to be one of them. Our guide was amazing he was truly passionate about the beach and the turtles. it took us forever to get there and when we started getting close to the beach we had to go through this unpaved road through the woods just to get to the beach. The beach and the area around it are protected by the government. So once we get to the beach we are told that we can not take pictures until the specified moment. There can be no light, because it will disturb the turtles. They did a test last year and it found that they can't see red so when light is needed our guide has this red light. I'm not gonna lie I was scared, because the water was so close and it wasn't swimmable water it was very dangerous.

So we're standing there and then all of a sudden we see two huge black spots coming out of the water and we're told that those are the turtles. I'm thinking that it can't be because the spots are huge it looks like a rock. Once the turtle has begun to create a nest we go over, and its the biggest thing I've ever seen. Her back fins search the sand for a right temperature and then she digs deep and lays her eggs, while she's laying her eggs she enters a trance like state and we can take pictures because the light will no longer disturb her. We even got to touch her very lightly of course, and she really felt like leather, very smooth leather. It was amazing to see this and to see all the wonderful things the organization is doing. They've successfully blocked a hotel from building on the beach, and have literally fist fought people trying to steal, hurt or harm the turtles. Now it is one of the most protected beaches for these turtles they have hundreds of turtles come there during the season to nest. Besides from seeing the Mama turtle lay her eggs the best thing was seeing the baby turtles on head out to the sea, and they will come back to this very beach when its their turn to lay eggs. What I also loved, is that she's a free independent turtle. When they've tried to raise them in captivity they've committed suicide because they just can't be locked in. The leatherback sea turtle is definitely my new favorite Animal!

My life is Censored

I just read a very moving post over at Brownfemipower's site, taken in part from Sokari. My intention was to go over there and continue reading over at Black Looks, but when I clicked the link I found myself redirected to the University's website when I looked at the web address I saw something that made me so mad. It said "Adult lifestyle filtering". I'm sitting here absolutely puzzled as to why? I know why but that still doesn't answer the larger question of why is it that just living and breathing and being who God made us to be is seen as lewd and indecent. While here in Trinidad I tried to go to a few of my regular blogs that I read Vegankid, Sly Civilian and those two were also filtered. Its just something else that reminds me of where I'm at. So far I've loved my time here today I ate "Bake & Shark" which was delicious! I've also been just shocked looking around and seeing people of color every where, running things. The only white people I've seen have been tourists. Its been a weird and slightly delightful feeling being surrounded by all People of Color. But, then something like this happens and it reminds me that as a community we still need to deal with homophobia that is ever present in our community. I don't get why when people say Gay or Lesbian or Homosexual they whisper, especially in front of kids. I have a friend who was in a relationship with a woman for 6 months and whenever she talks about that relationship she whispers, despite the fact that she said that she is not opposed to being in another relationship with a woman.

This and in light of the post about the Black Lesbian who was tortured in South Africa just reinforces the fact that something needs to change. My online friend that I'm constantly talking to and I always talk about starting our own country or land where women of Color are safe. It would be secluded and all Women of Color and some allies, we're joking but sometimes I wish that it was a real place. I'm tired of being censored, not talking about my life in certain situations to certain people and even having to be secretive here in Trinidad, where as I type this I worry about if anyone is looking over at my computer and knows that I'm a lesbian, and what will happen if they find out. I worry about some of my travel mates who don't know that I'm a lesbian and how they will react especially the women. I'm constantly making sure that I don't make any other woman feel uncomfortable by being too close, or complimenting her in a way that she may feel like I'm hitting on her. I'm tired of censoring my life. I'm ready to get away to that safe land.

update: Vegankid I was able to see you site briefly before it blocked me again...maybe a tiny glimmer of hope, or their filter system sucks

Live From Trinidad!

Hey All I didn't think that I would be posting so soon, but we're still in the orientation phase of the trip so we have some free time. I'm experiencing something here that I haven't yet experienced, being closeted when I'm open about my sexuality. This country isn't like Jamaica where I would fear for my life for being a Lesbian, but its strongly frowned upon. One of my lesbian friends who came here last year had some interesting experiences that just made me aware that I needed to be more careful with disclosing my sexuality. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to deal with some homophobic travel mates. Its weird being here and not having my support system with me. The people who I'm definitely realizing that I depend on heavily for support, even my Internet flirt buddy, who as I think about may be more interested in being more friends. Mainly because I'm here now and I miss her, I want to talk to her but I can't. I just sent her a tipsy email a while back when I was well tipsy. I'm enjoying myself overall there are seriously some gorgeous women here, but a las no hopes of making any moves.

I hate coming out, the whole hey everyone I'm a lesbian any questions? But, I realize that I'm going to have to do so and maybe that will give me at least the courtesy of not having to hear homophobic statements.... hopefully. Again I love Trinidad it's a beautiful place and the weather is gorgeous I just miss some people.

Ohh and a Big Happy Birthday Goes out to my Best Friend! Who has finally joined the 23 club! Don't tell her but I kind of miss her a whole lot, but SHHHHH! LOL

Trinidad Here I come!!!

Tomorrow morning I will be on my way to the beautiful Islands of Trinidad and Tobago!!!
I'm gonna be gone for 3 weeks for a Study Abroad, but I'll have internet access so I may be able to update occasionally. But it'll be a little slow for a while. See you all when I get back!!

Tonya W Call me

Your True Love's Name Is

Tonya W.

What's Your True Love's Name?

I'm not as radical as I thought

You Are 56% Politically Radical

You've got some radical viewpoints, but you aren't completely nuts. You're more of a visionary than a radical.

Are You a Political Radical?

Damn she's beautiful

This picture of the lovely America Ferrera was up at After Ellen and wow she's beautiful!! Just thought I'd share.

on my mind...

So my dear friends in blog world I got a girl on my mind. Yes yes I know, its so unlike me to be thinking about women ;-) This girl is a friend of a friend who lives about 5 hours from me, and I've been talking to her everyday for several hours online, for about 3 weeks. We've both been out for about 1 year, we both care deeply about oppressed people and also come from religious backgrounds. We just really vibe! I really can't explain it any other way than we just vibe together. I really enjoy talking to her, and we flirt like crazy, I'm not gonna lie its pretty obvious. So while this may sound all well and good I'm not sure what I want from her or this whatever it is. This post is pretty pointless but its about 3 am she got offline early and I'm thinking about her. This is so frustrating, because like I said in a previous post we both are shy when it comes to romance, so neither one of us has said explicitly that we like each other, but I'm fairly confident that she likes me. My best friend told me to just ride it out, which I intend to but I'm obsessing over it now. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because I don't know if I want a relationship with her at this point in my life, but I'm growing frustrated with just riding it out.