thoughts before bed

I'm so tired, so this is going to be a short post, but I've been having some amazing experiences in the past couple of days. I didn't get to adequately say how much I loved Tobago, it was beautiful and I'll never forget it. I feel like I've been focusing so much on the negatives that I've been experiencing here that I've haven't talked about the good times I'm having. The Old time wedding in Tobago was great. I love how the culture has been maintained here. Obviously things have changed but I feel like they're so much more connected here than we are in the US. Tonight was a perfect example, it was the opening ceremony for the emancipation celebration. Just seeing the people of all ages join in and celebrate our history and triumphs was beautiful.

Last night all the students from my program had dinner at our professor's house and we got to mingle with other faculty. I met this amazing woman from the Women's Studies program here and she blew my mind. I intend on writing a more full post about her later, but she just inspired me and reminded me that Women of Color are feminists too and have been for just as long as white women. Well I can barely hold my eyes open, but on some more good news I've been able to pick up a fleeting signal on my laptop and have been able to get some of the cites that have been censored! So I'm feeling good!!

These words won't do any justice

I've been working on this post all weekend, going over and over in my mind how I could convey in words what I'm feeling. I am in a beautiful country and having the best and worst time ever! I love it here because I have really gotten a chance to commune with nature. I've swam with the fish, swam in the middle of the ocean hung out in a waterfall and lounged on a clear beach. I've fallen in love with the people of this country and have enjoyed this short respite from the continued presence of white privilege over me. However, I have had about enough of feeling alien because I love women.

After a near perfect day of the ocean and other cultural activities we go out and what do we hear but a song about how evil homosexuality is. Its bad enough that the song is playing but the majority of the club join in on the chorus that calls for violence against gays. At this moment I stand there amongst friends and just watch as they dance completely oblivious to the hate coming out of the speakers. I never felt more alone before. Later when I bring it up they do their best to try and understand and sympathize but they can't, because they just don't get it. Flash forward to today as I sit in class and hear our Professor talk about how many Calypso singers find homosexuality funny, and then he goes on and discusses how the idea of a Gay minister of govt is foreign to them, but not as foreign as other countries. He was only half trying to not seem completely biased and disgusted, but it was there. Then after class I have to defend all LGBT people to one of my classmates as he tries to argue that its understandable why people are homophobic and ignore LGBT people. At this point I had to fight back the urge to scream, cry and just run away from this all. This is all too much to handle at sometimes.

I want to hold on to my people and this country so tight, but I can only do this if I deny who I am. I find myself now in a bind, do I continue to blend? Or do I make a stand? Do I even have the agency and authority to make such a bold stand? Where is my safe place? Where is my place where I can go to get rejuvenated? How do I explain something that I can't even put in words to people who claim to be my friends here? Is it even worth it? These are all the questions that are constantly running through my head. I'm just at a point where I don't know where to go from here.

One of the few LGBT sites that isn't blocked is Jasmyne Cannick's blog, and while I don't agree with everything she says all the time, I do get a lot of useful information from here. She just posted this article from a local newspaper and a gay man was talking about how he doesn't have his rights, and all the ways that Trinidad and Tobago should improve in terms of its relations with LGBT people. This article let me know that by being a lesbian and not from here it is illegal for me to be here. Elton John had to get a special license to come and perform. I am absolutely astonished. I want to cling to the people here so bad because I feel like we are so similar, but I can't because I refuse to deny who I am.

My new favorite animal

Last night I saw the most amazing thing, I got a chance to see leatherback sea turtles lay their eggs. It was amazing. I felt slightly intrusive, you know basically watching a woman give birth, but it was beautiful. They only come to a few beaches in the world and this beach in Trinidad happens to be one of them. Our guide was amazing he was truly passionate about the beach and the turtles. it took us forever to get there and when we started getting close to the beach we had to go through this unpaved road through the woods just to get to the beach. The beach and the area around it are protected by the government. So once we get to the beach we are told that we can not take pictures until the specified moment. There can be no light, because it will disturb the turtles. They did a test last year and it found that they can't see red so when light is needed our guide has this red light. I'm not gonna lie I was scared, because the water was so close and it wasn't swimmable water it was very dangerous.

So we're standing there and then all of a sudden we see two huge black spots coming out of the water and we're told that those are the turtles. I'm thinking that it can't be because the spots are huge it looks like a rock. Once the turtle has begun to create a nest we go over, and its the biggest thing I've ever seen. Her back fins search the sand for a right temperature and then she digs deep and lays her eggs, while she's laying her eggs she enters a trance like state and we can take pictures because the light will no longer disturb her. We even got to touch her very lightly of course, and she really felt like leather, very smooth leather. It was amazing to see this and to see all the wonderful things the organization is doing. They've successfully blocked a hotel from building on the beach, and have literally fist fought people trying to steal, hurt or harm the turtles. Now it is one of the most protected beaches for these turtles they have hundreds of turtles come there during the season to nest. Besides from seeing the Mama turtle lay her eggs the best thing was seeing the baby turtles on head out to the sea, and they will come back to this very beach when its their turn to lay eggs. What I also loved, is that she's a free independent turtle. When they've tried to raise them in captivity they've committed suicide because they just can't be locked in. The leatherback sea turtle is definitely my new favorite Animal!

My life is Censored

I just read a very moving post over at Brownfemipower's site, taken in part from Sokari. My intention was to go over there and continue reading over at Black Looks, but when I clicked the link I found myself redirected to the University's website when I looked at the web address I saw something that made me so mad. It said "Adult lifestyle filtering". I'm sitting here absolutely puzzled as to why? I know why but that still doesn't answer the larger question of why is it that just living and breathing and being who God made us to be is seen as lewd and indecent. While here in Trinidad I tried to go to a few of my regular blogs that I read Vegankid, Sly Civilian and those two were also filtered. Its just something else that reminds me of where I'm at. So far I've loved my time here today I ate "Bake & Shark" which was delicious! I've also been just shocked looking around and seeing people of color every where, running things. The only white people I've seen have been tourists. Its been a weird and slightly delightful feeling being surrounded by all People of Color. But, then something like this happens and it reminds me that as a community we still need to deal with homophobia that is ever present in our community. I don't get why when people say Gay or Lesbian or Homosexual they whisper, especially in front of kids. I have a friend who was in a relationship with a woman for 6 months and whenever she talks about that relationship she whispers, despite the fact that she said that she is not opposed to being in another relationship with a woman.

This and in light of the post about the Black Lesbian who was tortured in South Africa just reinforces the fact that something needs to change. My online friend that I'm constantly talking to and I always talk about starting our own country or land where women of Color are safe. It would be secluded and all Women of Color and some allies, we're joking but sometimes I wish that it was a real place. I'm tired of being censored, not talking about my life in certain situations to certain people and even having to be secretive here in Trinidad, where as I type this I worry about if anyone is looking over at my computer and knows that I'm a lesbian, and what will happen if they find out. I worry about some of my travel mates who don't know that I'm a lesbian and how they will react especially the women. I'm constantly making sure that I don't make any other woman feel uncomfortable by being too close, or complimenting her in a way that she may feel like I'm hitting on her. I'm tired of censoring my life. I'm ready to get away to that safe land.

update: Vegankid I was able to see you site briefly before it blocked me again...maybe a tiny glimmer of hope, or their filter system sucks

Live From Trinidad!

Hey All I didn't think that I would be posting so soon, but we're still in the orientation phase of the trip so we have some free time. I'm experiencing something here that I haven't yet experienced, being closeted when I'm open about my sexuality. This country isn't like Jamaica where I would fear for my life for being a Lesbian, but its strongly frowned upon. One of my lesbian friends who came here last year had some interesting experiences that just made me aware that I needed to be more careful with disclosing my sexuality. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to deal with some homophobic travel mates. Its weird being here and not having my support system with me. The people who I'm definitely realizing that I depend on heavily for support, even my Internet flirt buddy, who as I think about may be more interested in being more friends. Mainly because I'm here now and I miss her, I want to talk to her but I can't. I just sent her a tipsy email a while back when I was well tipsy. I'm enjoying myself overall there are seriously some gorgeous women here, but a las no hopes of making any moves.

I hate coming out, the whole hey everyone I'm a lesbian any questions? But, I realize that I'm going to have to do so and maybe that will give me at least the courtesy of not having to hear homophobic statements.... hopefully. Again I love Trinidad it's a beautiful place and the weather is gorgeous I just miss some people.

Ohh and a Big Happy Birthday Goes out to my Best Friend! Who has finally joined the 23 club! Don't tell her but I kind of miss her a whole lot, but SHHHHH! LOL

Trinidad Here I come!!!

Tomorrow morning I will be on my way to the beautiful Islands of Trinidad and Tobago!!!
I'm gonna be gone for 3 weeks for a Study Abroad, but I'll have internet access so I may be able to update occasionally. But it'll be a little slow for a while. See you all when I get back!!

Tonya W Call me

Your True Love's Name Is

Tonya W.

What's Your True Love's Name?

I'm not as radical as I thought

You Are 56% Politically Radical

You've got some radical viewpoints, but you aren't completely nuts. You're more of a visionary than a radical.

Are You a Political Radical?

Damn she's beautiful

This picture of the lovely America Ferrera was up at After Ellen and wow she's beautiful!! Just thought I'd share.

on my mind...

So my dear friends in blog world I got a girl on my mind. Yes yes I know, its so unlike me to be thinking about women ;-) This girl is a friend of a friend who lives about 5 hours from me, and I've been talking to her everyday for several hours online, for about 3 weeks. We've both been out for about 1 year, we both care deeply about oppressed people and also come from religious backgrounds. We just really vibe! I really can't explain it any other way than we just vibe together. I really enjoy talking to her, and we flirt like crazy, I'm not gonna lie its pretty obvious. So while this may sound all well and good I'm not sure what I want from her or this whatever it is. This post is pretty pointless but its about 3 am she got offline early and I'm thinking about her. This is so frustrating, because like I said in a previous post we both are shy when it comes to romance, so neither one of us has said explicitly that we like each other, but I'm fairly confident that she likes me. My best friend told me to just ride it out, which I intend to but I'm obsessing over it now. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because I don't know if I want a relationship with her at this point in my life, but I'm growing frustrated with just riding it out.

moving

WOOO HOOO I'm moving!!!!

I just signed the lease to my new place, and got my keys! I'm so excited!

I'm moving from an itty bitty studio, which is really just a room with a kitchen and bathroom. Now I'm moving in to a wonderful 1 bedroom apt with my own private backyard. Today I just sat in my empty apt and planned all of what I'm going to do. Being in my new place makes me abhor my current apartment. I even did a little happy dance lol. I'll post some pics soon as I get settled.


This is really me because I'm moving by myself with a laundry cart

Look at Freddie

Okay I was such a huuge fan of "A Different World" when I was younger. So I was shocked to see little Freddie all grown up and singing! She doesn't sound half bad either. I found this video of hers and its kind of great. Even though my former fundie self makes me weary because she says the Lord can't save you, and I'm sorry I know its one part but I'm a recovering fundie. But still this video is amazing and she's absolutely beautiful!



Thanks to Wikipedia I find out that she was raised on a reservation in Canada and a member of the plains Cree first nation. She's pretty great!

this blog is rated R

Mingle² - Online Dating

apparently because I said
gay 4x
Lesbian 2x
and pissed 1x


via a very sanctimonious G rated BFP

for your blogging pleasure

Oh my Blogosphere!
There are lots of very good posts up and I thought I'd share them with you all.

Keith Boykin gets an exclusive interview with Isaiah Washington about his recent firing. I think Isaiah's statements add an interesting dynamic to the whole controversy. However, it seems like he's not accepting the full responsibility for his actions.

Keith Boykin also calls out oh Dubya on his "culture of death".

A gay NJ high school couple has their picture blacked out because of it's "illicit" content.

Pomegranate Queen brilliantly talks about the Intersections of Violence. She's Freaking Brilliant!

Kameela Writes uses photography to show how Black hair is political. Thanks BFP for the link!

After 43 years finally there's some justice!

AfterEllen reminds us why some commercials/ads make you homicidal.... or maybe thats just me.

DL Hughley is an ass hole! Thanks BFP for the info and links

Oh and there's a new Blog on the block! Someone else I know in real life... my secret identity is becoming harder to maintain.

Here's a pic of the lovely Rose Rollins. Why? because she's beautiful. duh!

I like to Laugh

Okay so I've been obsessed with gay comics lately. Laughing is great, so I thought I'd share some of my favorites

first up we have Charlie Ballard who I saw on Logo and he's absolutely hilarious!





Then we have Sandra Valls who I am absolutely in love with!! She's gorgeous and funny as hell. You should definitely catch her on Latin Divas of comedy if you can. This is where I first saw here...once again on logo. Oh did I mention she's super hot!





There's also Elvira Kurt who actually came to my god forsaken town and I missed her





This is for all my L word fans, Marga Gomez!

I love my mommy

Keith Boykin posted a picture of him and his mother on his site, and was talking about their relationship. That just got me thinking about my mother. We definitely did not have the best of relationships when I was growing up, but it’s a lot better now. My mother battled addiction when I was younger, but she never got so strung out that we didn't have what we needed, we never went hungry. She always did the best she could do, and as I get older I recognize her more for all she's done and continues to do. All of my siblings know that too, we know that no matter what our mom will always be there for us. I called her on Sunday to wish her a happy father's day, because she's truly been mother and father my whole life. When I was talking to her today she said that all of my siblings had called her on Saturday to ask her for money. Now while it may appear that we're all being spoiled, I think it signals something more. My brother is 34 years old and he called too because we know that our mother would never deny us anything we needed. Now if we call her with some foolishness she will say no in a hurry.

As I struggled with my sexuality and the inevitable question about coming out to my mom came up, I was afraid, but never too afraid. Because, I knew that no matter what my mom would always love me. Me and my mother are a lot alike we have the same personality, which is why we butt heads so much. However, our similar personality is also what helps me to understand her. My mother is the one who planted the seed of Black studies in me, years ago. My mom was kicked out of her high school because she refused to be silent about the racism in her school. She never raised us with the standard little girls do this and that; she let us define our own gender identity, which I'm truly appreciative of. She's always been committed to education and got her Bachelor's degree a week before I got mine. Now she's pursuing her master’s degree and really pushing forward with her life.

As a lot of my friends and family are having children I think about the relationship between mother and child a lot. Even though my mother didn't say the words I love you often, I knew it. She showed it in walking to the hospital with my brother in her hands when he was younger and having an asthma attack. When she quit taking night classes because we wanted her home more, in going to rehab when she knew she couldn't manage her addiction again. My mom showed me and my siblings love, and because of that her imperfections mean nothing. To me my mom is the perfect mom, and I'm truly thankful for her.

This is my favorite picture of the two of us

8 things about me

Yay Vegankid tagged me !

Rules: Each person posts the rules before their list, then they list 8 things about themselves. At the end of the post, that person tags and links to 8 other people; then visits those people’s sites and comments, letting them know that they have been tagged, and to come read the post, so they know what they have to do.

1. I'm moving next week!
2. My best friends are like my family
   
3. Even after doing well in grad school I still doubt my academic abilities
   
4. I'm considered short by some, but I'm average height!
5. I think Androgynous women are hot!
6. Every year I wish my mom a happy father's day.
   
7. my fake love life is more interesting than my real love life
   
8. I hate to be embarrassed!

okay now I tag Anacoana, Di, Brownfemipower, Laura Luna, Sly Civilian, Fab , Darkmind, and Jason

My first Pride

I just got back from my very first pride celebration. I had a ball!! It was so much fun!

issues that I had not completely resolved, in going to a Pride parade signaled to me something that I wasn't completely ready to accept before, complete acceptance of who I am. I talk a good talk, but I'm still struggling. So the whole idea of pride just made me really anxious. I felt bad because I didn't feel like I had any pride, and then I felt like there would be a Queer measuring stick that I didn't necessarily measure up to. When talking about this with my best friend she wisely said that maybe pride was about going there with none and coming back with some. II've been having a lot of anxiety about going before. Going to pride made me confront a lot of definitely have to say that that's exactly what happened. I feel so much better about everything; I'm no longer so terrified that people from my undergrad were going to find out the truth. There might be some facebook pictures and I'm okay with that.

Yesterday was the parade and I thought that I had prepped myself but as I began to walk to the spot where I was going to watch the parade, I began to freak out. My heart was racing and I was shaking. I called my best friend in a panic, after she calmed me down and I hung up. Immediately these two guys complimented me on my earrings, and then we started talking and they invited me to walk around with them. They were so nice and I hung out with them for most of the night. Then when I left them, I ran in to a girl who was in one of my classes. It was funny because we both looked at each other and said "What are yoou doing here?!” It was great, because once again I wasn't walking around by myself. The rest of the night got really weird but that’s not what’s important. Today there was just a general festival, and I went by myself hoping to meet people again, but I just ended up hanging out on the grass for a while by myself. I ran in to some girls from a program that I had presented for before. It was nice because I didn't even know that one of them was a lesbian, and there program isn't exactly gay friendly, but they had found each other and banded together. What made me happier is that she remembered me and was happy to see me, while I was presenting she looked real bored, but I made an impact.

I saw so many young kids, holding hands with their boyfriends and girlfriends and not caring, it was beautiful. I saw older people walking around happy and enjoying the day. It was so nice to not have to worry about being seen, people finding out. It was beautiful! I felt so proud and so happy. Then I got to hang out with the girl from my class later, and we did the electric slide on stage, and had a great view of the drag show, and just got to talk about being out on our campus. It was beautiful! I had such a great time and a lot of my anxiety about being out has dissipated, because I know I'm not alone!

Here are some pictures from the Drag Queen show tonight and some stuff I bought

This is part of an airbrush tattoo I got on my arm

I added a pride flag to my flag collection on my wall


A cool incense holder I bought (ignore the stuff in the background lol )

The Queen of Pride

Singing Dear Mr. President

Life is a highway, I'm gonna ride it all night long!

Some pride balloons in the air

I cut of their heads but they just got engaged

Call me Mrs. DiFranco?

Okay I promise I will stop posting random surveys and quizzes soon, but my brain has shut down and therefore not allowed me to get anything done, or think. So here's my last one. I just need to let Ani DiFranco know that apparently we're supposed to be together. Maybe I should listen to some of her music

Lesbian Matchmaker

MEET ANI DiFRANCO! Ani is one non-conformist woman who enjoys singing, playing guitar, and writing poetry. Some days the line she walksturns out to be straight. She has no criteria for sex or race. She just wants to hear your voice and see your face. But if you think you should feel leary by Ani's being attracted to men also, then that's your loss. Judging a woman souly on not being 100% lesbain would mean missing out on the opportunity to be under the arm of one of todays most influential feminists. Just imagine this amazing woman is on stage and you're surrounded by thousands of screaming fans... but to the two of you, at this very moment, they don't even exist.
Take this quiz!








Quizilla |
Join

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

oh boredom

I'm bored so therefore we have blogthings

I'm keeping this one

Your Boobies' Names Are...

Venus and Serena

Boobie Name Generator

Your Linguistic Profile:

45% General American English 35% Yankee 10% Dixie 5% Upper Midwestern 0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Your Heart Is Green

Love completes you, but that doesn't mean you seek it out. When love comes your way, you integrate it peacefully into the rest of you life. Your flirting style: Laid back Your lucky first date: Walking around aimlessly and talking Your dream lover: Is both enthusiastic and calm What you bring to relationships: Balance

What Color Heart Do You Have?

You Are In a Fantastic Mood

You're confident, focused, and on top of your game. People are attracted to your energy right now. This is the time to go for it - you're likely to get what you want!

What Mood Are You In?

Your 1996 Theme Song Is: California Love by Tupac and Dre

Let me serenade the streets of L.A. From Oakland to Sacktown The Bay Area and back down Cali is where they put they mack down Give me love!

What's Your 1996 Theme Song?

You Should Rule Mercury

Close to sun, Mercury has very long days - and is rarely visible to the rest of the solar system. You are perfect to rule Mercury, because you live for the present - and can truly enjoy a day that goes on forever. Like Mercury, you are quick and elusive. Your wit is outstanding, and you can win any verbal sparring match. Some people see you as superficial, but in truth, you just play many roles and have many interests. A great manipulator, you usually get what you want from people. And they're happy to give it to you.

What Planet Should You Rule?

You Are New York

Cosmopolitan and sophisticated, you enjoy the newest in food, art, and culture. You also appreciate a good amount of grit - and very little shocks you. You're competitive, driven, and very likely to succeed. Famous people from New York: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Tupac Shakur, Woody Allen

What American City Are You?

Your Power Element is Fire

Your power color: red Your energy: hot Your season: spring Like a fire, you are full of power and light. A born leader, you easily draw people toward you. You are full of courage and usually up for anything dangerous. You have a huge ego and love to be the center of attention.

What's Your Power Element?

You Were a Crow

Eternally wise, you have a deep understand of ethics. You guide people from the darkness to the light.

What Animal Were You In a Past Life?

You Are the Middle Finger

A bit fragile and dependent on your friends, you're not nearly as hostile as you seem. You are balanced, easy to get along with, and quite serious. However, you can get angry and fed up with those around you. And you aren't afraid to show it! You get along well with: The Index Finger Stay away from: The Pinky

What Finger Are You?