life

Dear Life,
You suck sometimes.

Sincerely,
Journey Woman

Damsel

Is there room to be both a Radical Queer Woman of Color and a Damsel?

(start at about 4 mins in)


I've been obsessed with Crystal Monee Hall since I saw her at Rivers of Honey a couple of weeks ago. She's amazing and has this song called Damsel which I've been listening to non stop on youtube (since that's the only place I can find it). In her song she tells this woman, that she can love her, show her love and asks her to open her self to her she'll save her. I love everything about this song, her voice, her words and just the groove of it. I would absolutely melt if a woman ever sang this song to me, and I have to admit that the idea of being the Damsel is appealing. How often do we get the opportunity to just be and have someone say don't worry I got you? Now of course, I don't want this all the time 24/7 I want my own agency, but wouldn't it be nice just for a little bit to be able to sit back and just be, and have someone say they're gonna take your distress. Especially as QWOC who in the hell is really offering that?

I guess what really appeals to me about this song goes beyond my own aspirations to have someone save me on some level, but it rekindled the idea that I can still have my own version of a fairy tale. But, My prince doesn't have to be a blond white boy but, a thick beautiful Black Princess with locs and an amazing voice. Oh the possibilities!

Stations

I love me some Audre Lorde, in case you didn't already know that.

Stations
by Audre Lorde

Some women love to wait for life
for a ring in the June light
for a touch of the sun to heal them
for another woman's voice
to make them whole
to untie their hands
put words in their mouths
form to the passages
sound to their screams
for some other sleeper to remember
their future
their past.

Some women wait for their right train
in the wrong station
in the alleys of morning
for the noon to holler
the night come down.

Some women wait for love
to rise up
the child of their promise
to gather from earth
what they do not plant
to claim pain for labor
to become
the tip of an arrow
to aim at the heart of now
but it never stays.

Some women wait for visions
that do not return
where they were not welcomed
naked
for invitations to places
they always wanted to visit
to be repeated.

Some women wait for themselves
around the next corner
and call the empty spot peace
but the opposite of living
is only not living
and the stars do not care.

Some women wait for something to change
and nothing does change
so they change

Me

Something has been really bothering me lately, it feels like there is so much resistance to me just being me. I feel like in order to "fit" I need to change so many aspects of myself. From the way I dress, to how I live my life. It seems like whatever I do just isn't enough. It isn't ok and I'm so over it. I feel this particularly when it comes to dating. I'm neither butch nor femme or androgynous. I'm just me, my style is very much for comfort, most days I'm wearing jeans, t-shirt and head scarf; and that's how I'm comfortable dressing. I don't like heels, I can't walk in them and they hurt my feet, so I don't wear them anymore simple. I don't wear make up, and I could careless about whether my nail polish is all there. Those things just aren't important to me. Sometimes I like to show of the Venus and Serena with a nice low cut shirt, and I don't like my clothes to be overly loose are tight fitting. This is just who I am, and I'm tired of being made to feel like I need to change these aspects of myself. Unfortunately it seems like to get a date I need to change in some way, dress up, dress down, become more butch or more femme. But, that's not me. QuarterlifeQueer posted an amazing post not too long ago, about life in the middle, and its absolutely beautiful and definitely on time. So often, we are forgotten, us who switch it up and just live in the gray area of an already gray community.

I'm also not one of those extra granola dykes. I care about the environment and what's going on with the earth, but I also like my degree deodorant. If that makes me a hypocrite then so be it. I'm a meat eater and I'm not gonna change that, I even, gasp, eat pork! I know scandalous right? I also like to get drunk every now and then. I reserve the right to be all of this and so much more and I'm not changing any time soon, and if I change it will be my choice and not because I felt pressured.
Yes I'm 25 years old and still a virgin, no I'm not happy about it, but I'm not ashamed either. I'm also not a puppy to be put on display as the 25 yr old virgin. I've also been out for 3 years and haven't been in a relationship with a woman or even kissed a woman, and it has nothing to do with me being unsure about my sexuality. Sure I wish things were different, but they're not. This is my life, these are my experiences. I guess this is all apart of reclaiming me, because this is who I am and I'm tired of feeling bad for it. Hopefully this won't mean that I'm single for the next 30 years, but you know what if changing who I am is what it takes to find someone fuck it! I'll be single.

Crystal Monee Hall

quick post, Music has become my obsession lately, I find it hard to get through the day without an internal soundtrack. So today I went to WOW Cafe for the monthly even of rivers of honey which is amazing! Olive Demetrius was there and performed and was stunning. But, considering I gush over her and Hanifah enough on this blog I decided to highlight someone new who I'm loving right now! Her name is Crystal Monee Hall and she is one baad bitch! She got up on that stage and shut it down! Here's a little taste courtesy of youtube




Amazing right?! She says she has an album coming out in 2010, and all I know is that my ass is going to be first in line to get it.

Energy

So I've been trying this whole new positivity thing. I always tell other people to think positively about a situation, you know put out the energy you want to get back and all that jazz. I honestly believe it... but for other people. I haven't quite taken hold of this idea for myself, so I tried it. I thought positively about a situation and did not get the results I wanted. I know its not like a gum ball machine where you put in a quarter and you get what you want, its much more complicated than that. But, that's the problem with so many things in this world. So often I know things in my mind but, I struggle with bring that knowledge and acceptance to my heart and soul. So what to do? How do you rectify what you believe in your head with what's in your heart? Isn't that one of the cosmic eternal questions? I find myself thinking about what I did wrong to bring about the wrong outcome? Maybe it's not even a wrong outcome, but just not the one I wanted? I don't know that's another one to add to the list of questions that go unanswered for the time being.

This post probably doesn't make much sense, but I'm definitely writing very stream of consciousness right now, so bare with me. I've been trying to get all of my thoughts out. This is my latest mission, because I find when I hold too much in, it gets to be too much. So I'm releasing all my hopes, dreams, fears and nightmares and hoping that with this release I'll gain some peace. I've even started journaling in an effort to really get it all out. I even bought a nice new journal from Barnes and Noble that is supposed to be eco friendly, fair trade and made by a women's co op in Nepal. I really feel like it's inspiring me to write more. Anyway I think that I've definitely verbally vomited enough on this blog for tonight.

From Staceyann Chin

PLEASE POST ON YOUR BLOGS, SITES, LISTS etc. Help us reach the folks we need.

Many of you have already heard about our film, Baby Makes me. For you, this is an update. But for the folks who have not heard Tiona and I are making a documentary together.

For years, I have wanted to become a mother. But the timing has never been quite right. Either my partners weren’t ready, or I was scared, or I couldn’t find a donor or something. There was always something. By the time I rolled into 35, I was tired of being afraid, tired of waiting for the right woman with whom it would be the right time, tired of watching every Christmas roll over another Birthday, tired of watching my peers get knocked up and months later appear with the most amazing little bundle of potential—I was tired of waiting and ready to make the leap, and I was ready to make it alone.

I began the research with great heart—only to discover that there were little no resources for women who either wanted to, or had to embark on the journey of motherhood in the solo. There were one or two essays and a few books on artificial insemination, and some were even directed at lesbians—but most, if not all assumed that the mother would be operating from inside of a partnership, be that partnership heterosexual or homosexual.

The idea for the film came out of a conversation with Tiona to film the pregnancy/labor, assuming that there would be one—because no one, least of all me, knows if my body will cooperate in doing such a thing as conceiving. I envisioned Tiona asking a couple of heartfelt questions and spinning the light to create a high-end home-movie I could show my child at eighteen. She agreed and we began to flesh out some ideas. That conversation, coupled with the lack of resource material out there spurred the project now known as Baby Makes Me.

Baby Makes Me, a feature-length documentary, will explore the challenges and triumphs of Single Motherhood, particularly in the lives of women of color, lesbians and women who make a conscious choice to be mothers in the absence of intimate/romantic partnerships with men.

The film will use as its narrative skeleton, the journey of activist/writer/performer, Staceyann Chin, as she navigates her personal choices with reference to motherhood. Author of the memoir, The Other Side of Paradise, Chin now brings her talents to the medium of film as writer and Executive Producer.

The Director, Tiona McClodden, is a champion of promoting positive images of women in media. Her last film, “Black./womyn.:conversations…”, garnered much respect in both accolades and awards. She now brings her attention to the issue of women and motherhood.

It is our intent to interview a series of women from all the demographic cross-sections. Issues of financial, ethical, medical, cultural, and political relevance will be fore-grounded. We hope that clinics, hospitals, families, children of Black lesbians, straight Black women who want children, mothers of gay women who lament the loss of grandchildren when they discover their daughters are gay, and anybody who seeks to have a clearer picture of the family that includes gay women will see that our lives go on, that women who are single, be they lesbian, or Black or poor, can and do have babies, and that we are simply another group of people who live and laugh and grow. We hope to paint the subjects in the film as human and likable characters who, though they are dealing with slightly different challenges than the women we traditionally see as mothers, are not very different from any other group of people considering parenthood.

We are going to need all the help we can get. We need help in reaching out to folks who would like to be interviewed; other single mothers, women who have been inseminated, women who are thinking about it, women who work in the medical field, women who work in the administrative world of policy etc. We are on the hunt for the all the voices that could represent our story in the film.

We have recently been awarded a grant from ASTREA Lesbian Foundation for Justice and are set to move forward. We write to you now, in the hope that you will want to be involved in this groundbreaking project in whatever capacity you choose: we need space to host fundraisers and screening and other events connected to the film. We need people to fundraise, to promote the film, to host community talks, to suggest topics for discussion in the film—we need to secure additional investors, we need the help of people who are experts in the business of making films, and we need the counter-perspective of people who have never made a film. We are hoping to make this a community effort; from start to finish we want the ideas to be representative of the various factions in our diverse village of the women who mother our children. If you are sure you are unable to do any of the above, we only ask that you make room for our fliers, questionnaires, invitations, and other promotional materials for the film.

We would be honored if you would join us as we attempt to break more ceilings, level more walls to make room those of us who are too frequently left out of the history and imagination of the world we live in. We look forward to a spirited journey with you, from the opening shot to the ending credits—complete with your name listed among the most stalwart of our supporters.

Thanks again to the women who have already offered assistance. We look forward to your being a part of our process.

Staceyann Chin
Executive Producer/Writer, “Baby Makes Me”
Tiona McClodden
Director/Producer, “Baby Makes Me”

Please send all inquiries and requests to: babymakesme@gmail.com

*I love Staceyann Chin! Is it bad I considered having a baby so I could meet her? Yeah, you're right, too much lol*

Crazy

I'm just feeling this song, right now.








I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place.
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Possibly [radio version]
probably [album version]

And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that's my only advice

Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,
Ha ha ha bless your soul
You really think you're in control

Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably

Uh, uh

Being the angry black woman isn't so bad

I've been thinking a lot about this past year and the many ways that I've changed and haven't been myself. I realized that this past year I have not been as angry as I have been in the past. I'm an angry person, and its actually not as bad as it sounds. I've always been accused of being angry. I was the angry baby, I was the angry Black woman. I've never seen my anger as a bad thing, its been the outward expression of my passion for all things that mean anything to me. I realized that I've lost some of my anger this past Sunday when I got angry again and it felt good.

This past Sunday I was in central park for the summer stage concert series. I was having a good time, enjoying the music hanging with friends and laughing at the hot mess that was Jon B's performance. Then the DJ asked the audience if we wanted to hear reggae, the crowd started cheering and after the next performance her played a reggae mix. Which of course had to include Buju Banton's Boom bye bye. I'm not even going to post lyrics google them if you haven't already heard about this song. Basic message kill the gays, they're nasty. I got so infuriated that I went up to the WBLS table who was sponsoring the event to complain, but the guys there were just volunteers. I still voiced my complaint and went back to my friends trying to be easy but when he played TOK's song Chi Chi man, same premise as Buju's song. That was it, I went up to the VIP area closest to the stage and asked who I could speak to about the DJ. I ended up talking to the venue manager and I went the fuck off. It felt so good. I told him about how offensive the song was, I told I wanted to find out why the DJ felt like that song would be a good one to play. He said its freedom of speech and people can say whatever they want. That really got me, needless to say it went back and forth for a bit more, before I walked away with the manager saying he'd pass on my complaint. He probably didn't but what was important is that I got it out and it felt fucking good. Now don't get me wrong I was still mad for a good while after, but once I calmed down it felt fucking good. I got back in touch with my anger, and I've missed it.

This past year instead of getting mad at the people who deserved my anger I've been internalizing it and I've been worst off for it. So I'm getting back in touch of my anger, I'm gonna yell when I need to, scream when I need to and cuss people out when they deserve it because being the angry black woman isn't so bad.

Reclaiming me

I'm in the process of reclaiming me. This past year I've been really in a funk and not doing what I need to do and what I know to do. I've let a lot of things that I consider intrinsic to who I am slip away. I've given up fighting and surrendered to every negative thought that's cross my mind. I realize that I'm not clear on exactly who I am and even my picture of who I want to be has contaminated, but still I've stopped moving in any direction. I've just curled up in the fetal position in a corner and prayed that all the bad stuff would be gone when I woke up. There's still a lot I have to deal with and process, but not so willing to lay down and give in anymore. I'm really trying to reclaim some space in my life that isn't dedicated to family, friends and other people and just making some me space. I'm trying to make an altar but I have no idea how. But I'm really trying to make some changes in my life, and blogging again is a part of that. So that's all I have to say for now, but I'm really gonna try and blog more. I miss this space.

I'm really feeling this song by Maya Azucena right now

More of the same

Hot damn its been 3 months since my last post. I haven't updated my blog in a while mainly because I wasn't really sure, how personal I still wanted this space to be. But you know what fuck it I got shit to say and this is my space to say it.

It's currently 2:31am and I just got back in from sitting in front of cops with my aunt waiting for answers about my little cousin who just got arrested. about an hour ago I was laying in my bed when I heard the too familiar sound of the police officer knock. All those who've had police come knocking at their door for one reason or another knows exactly what it sounds like. Anyway 2 female police officers come in asking for my aunt and tell me that my cousin just got arrested I later find out that its for possession with an intent to sell. So not only is it a felony, but apparently they're not going to let him out until his court date.

These are all the details and while they're important that's not what bothers me. If I'm being completely honest I knew my lil cousin was selling drugs. When you would ask him he would always say know, but my entire family recognized the signs. But, his mother isn't exactly the best example for not being involved in illegal activities considering her boyfriend is one of the biggest drug dealers in our neighborhood. I know the reasons why my cousin has fallen into gang life, dealing and using drugs, its largely due in part to my aunt being so messed up herself she hasn't really put in the time and love into raising her son, and no matter how much the rest of my family pours love into my nephew it can't compare to getting it from his mother. As I write this I find myself needing to justify and defend my nephew and his actions, but fuck all of that. He's my baby, I was one of the first people to watch him as a baby. I've grown up with him and seen him through so many different phases in his life. So despite all of his bad decisions he's still my man man. My little cousin who I hold near and dear to my heart and the idea of him sitting in prison scares the shit out of me, because he's my baby. I know he's no saint and was definitely in the wrong, but as I sit here all I'm wondering is, is he scared? Is he ok? Is he getting picked on and beat up? Why can't we go and get him? I was getting so hopeful about him lately. I've been seeing more of him and he wasn't looking as depressed as he has in the past. I was thinking finally he's coming around. He's going to be alright and then he gets arrested. We have a family reunion coming up in August and last night I had a dream about my whole entire family hanging out and having a good time and he was there. But now he's most likely not going to be at the reunion. He's most likely not going to get off with just probation he's going to do time and that scares me. Because despite his tough exterior my cousin is very sensitive, and I don't know if he's strong enough for jail.

It was just so surreal standing out there waiting on word with so many others similarly waiting for word. Some just nosey and some there for support, but what really pissed me off was just how common this scenario is. The crying mother, women in their nightgowns and head scarves, all arms crossed starring daggers at police who just view us more of the same.

Letter to my former friend on the anniversary of her mother’s death

Letter to my former friend on the anniversary of her mother’s death,

I don’t know what to say to you. We were really close and I trusted you more than I do most people. I let you in where I hadn’t anyone else; I took a chance with you and our group of friends and you more than others. We were friends, we were sisters I relied on you, and needed you. But, you couldn’t be there for me 100% . You wanted to pick and choose which parts of me you acknowledged and befriended and I can’t handle that, and it kills me. I really miss you, there are so many jokes no one else gets and so many times you helped me through that I could definitely use you for now in my life. But, a lot of those situations involve women, women who are Queer like me, who love other women like me, and I know you don’t want to be involved in those situations. I know you won’t go with me to a pride celebration or a random discussion or documentary. When I find the love of my life, we can’t express our love in front of you without you being uncomfortable. I wanted to be auntie to your kids, but will you allow your kids to come over my house? Can my partner and I sleep in the same bed at your house? I know that the answers to these questions aren’t the ones that I want to hear. Because of all these things we can’t be friends. I wish it was different, I wish I could talk to you about the girl I met that I think is hot, but I can’t. I know your faith comes above everything else and your faith does not permit you to “encourage” my lifestyle. So our friendship has to end.

Despite all this, I still love you like a sister and I loved your mother like she was my blood. I grieved when I first heard about her death, and I grieved even more when I saw the hurt on your face. So because I loved her so much I couldn’t let her day she died past another year without saying something to you, because I know she wanted us to look after each other. So that’s why I contacted you, but I just can’t handle dealing with our issues anymore. I can’t handle you saying you want to hear from me, because you can’t handle all of me.

Heathen

Its Sunday and I'm home, not going to church just like I haven't gone in the past few months. I didn't even go to church on Easter Sunday. That's the first time in many many years that I haven't even gone to church on Easter and I wonder how did I get to this point. I used to be such a super Christian, I used to be in Church more often than not, Church was my life. Now here I am a few years later and I'm not going to church at all. I miss going to church I really do, but the fact is that church is no longer a place to find peace for me, its just another place on the long list of places that give me anxiety.

I guess that's what happens when you're so deeply entrenched in the Christian community and you see all the homophobia and then you come out. Because no matter what anyone says I was there, I know what people say behind closed doors. I know that I could walk into most churches and I would be greeted graciously, but they'd be praying for my deliverance from homosexuality. Hell, some of my friends right now are praying for me to be delivered. So yeah, I've become a heathen. I'm not afraid to learn and respect other faiths even :gasp: ones with multiple deities. I don't know if I'll ever go back to church, but I want to, only time will tell.

Friday Lustfulness

Its been a while since I've featured a beautiful woman on my site. So to set your weekend off right, here's someone I've been lusting after for a while. None other than the beautiful and intelligent Melissa Harris-Lacewell.

She first came to my attention when she murdered Gloria Steinem in a debate on Democracy Now! It was so beautiful she definitely represented for Black feminists everywhere. She's since been on Rachel Maddow and a million other places spreading her knowledge and beauty. You can catch her on her blog or follow her on Twitter, which I highly suggest...she's funny too! ::swoon::

The Other Side of Paradise

I just finished Staceyann Chin's memoir and it was amazing, as donyea would say that's the most beautifulest story I've ever read. After finishing it I want to give her a hug and not out of a sense of pity but I think I want the hug more for me. She makes me feel like everything is going to be alright, like I can do this crazy thing called life. I don't even know what to say, I don't know how to accurately capture the way I'm feeling. While I was reading much of her story I just couldn't believe that one person could go through so much and still be so amazing. When I saw her at the reading she oozed poise, confidence sexiness and so much more. I sat there in awe of her as a human being and a black lesbian and a survivor. She's just so fucking amazing (which I realize I've said 10 times before). While I've never been abandoned by both parents her story speaks to me. I don't even think it's her story as much as it's her voice. Reading her words and thoughts I got it, I understood her, I saw me.

Her book only goes up to her leaving Jamaica, and I wanna say that I understood or sympathized with her feelings about leaving home and taking control over her life but I more than I understood I felt her words as much as I felt my own when I finally left home. I don't know how to talk about it anymore than I already have but I really want to hug her, for me to know that she's real and she really made it.

So run don't walk and get the book, it's amazing!

Why I still get Starstruck

Friday my wonderful new friend invited me to this Queer party, and I said sign me up lol. What she didn't tell me was that Olive and Hanifah were going to be there, and you all know how star struck I get. I know, I know they're normal people and my friend has confirmed this to me since she actually knows them, but I still can't help it. The party in general was really good for me in more than just fulfilling the need to get out.

When I got there one of the first people I saw was Hanifah and, I couldn't speak (typical of me). I wasn't prepared to see Hanifah right outside the door or run into Olive inside. It's hard to put it all into words but that night was great on so many levels so much about that party felt right and running into 2 of the people who literally helped me through it all was a little too much to handle. Olive didn't make it any better by complimenting me on my gap, which I actually hate, but she made me feel good about it which is rare, because have I mentioned I absolutely hate my gap. I started to think about why I still get starstruck by them, and I realized that its going to be a while until I'm not completely starstruck by them.

When I was in KY I was so lonely and I was trying to figure out what it means to be Black gay and female. I literally was coming out while I was in Kentucky to almost everyone in my life. When I got there, there were only about 2 people who knew that I was gay. In hindsight coming out in Kentucky wasn't the best idea since I had no support system down there and the friends I made, while all Queer friendly were all straight. I had no one to talk about what I was through with that could really understand. So like any woman in the 21st century I relied on the Internet , I watched vlogs and read blogs for my sense of community and direction. They were my lifeline and hope that there was something out there beyond my small world in KY. So I soaked it all in , I learned about my community from vlogs the most important being UPeople. I consumed everything they put out and sighed with a deep yes, it felt right. In my crazy time in KY so little felt right and made sense but when I was alone in my apt feeling like a freak I could go online and find some sense of self, and community.

This path of self discovery and being comfortable with myself definitely isn't finished, especially since I feel like everything about Kentucky inhibited me from embracing myself completely. So when I moved back and subsequently to Brooklyn, I began to soak up everything I could in Black Queer life, and its been great so far. So when I see Olive and Hanifah out or at one of their events, I know they're regular people that you can just go up and say hi to. I have once in the past (the only time I've had the courage), but its still hard. I was so excited just from the whole night and especially seeing Olive and Hanifah, that I was giddy. My brother thought I was drunk when I came in. After when he realized I wasn't and was talking about it. He had a perfect analogy for it. He said it was like a young MC and just me Jay Z lol, and he's right.

So yeah its really hard for me to just be all laid back and casual when I see people, who literally helped me get through the hell known as Kentucky. Also how do you say this someone without sounding all overdramatic and crazy. So yes, I will absolutely still get starstruck, because that's just not something you get over too quickly.

Oh and have I mentioned that they are two of the most beautiful women I've EVER seen. I'm just saying so in this spirit you should also vote for them for AfterEllen's Hot 100 and 10 Hottest Women of Color.

I'm Going On

Damn its been almost 2 months since my last post. So sorry my dear blog friends. A lot has been going on with me these past few months, and I'm in the mood to share lol. You're going to have to forgive me, but I can already see that this is setting up to be an extreme stream of consciousness post, so bare with me.

About a month ago, I finally got tired of being miserable and depressed all the time and decided to do something about it. I entered therapy and I have to say that it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Its really helping. I searched for a nice Black Queer therapist and found an amazing one that I really get along with. Because nothing sucks more than going to a therapist that annoys the hell out of you. My therapist is fucking HOT I'm just saying lol. But, I stopped crushing on her about 2 weeks ago lol. Anyway therapy is a completely new experience for me, because I get to go in a room for an hour every week and talk about myself, and its good but also so weird. Its a rare occasion that WOC allow ourselves the time and the space to be vulnerable and feel everything we're feeling. So I go into the little room and I talk and I'm affirmed and its a fuckin' crazy experience. Today as I left therapy I realized that I was feeling lighter than I was when I walked in. I'm happy that I bit the bullet and got some help and you know what I think that I might actually be alright.... some day lol.

Ladies and gentlemen I finally made a Queer friend that lives near me, I know I know Amazing right. I met her at this training for Community Organizers at the Audre Lorde Project (which side note they're amazing!) and we've been chilling and she's great. Its great to be able to talk to someone who just gets a lot of shit you're going through. We're complex people so not everyone is going to get you all the time, but I feel like my Queer side has been a little neglected and I feel like its getting the necessary attention now.

I have so many posts that aren't completed up here on my dashboard, so I've been thinking of posting, but now I'm finally getting to it. Don't worry I'll be lusting more soon to share with you all, but I just needed to write and get this out. I'm remembering more why I started this blog I needed a place where I can get out a lot of the thoughts in my mind, and I've missed this so I'm going to be blogging more. So stay tuned.

Here's Gnarls Barkley's video for Going On, why? Because its a great song, video and listening to them got me to finally complete a post

Gnarls Barkley - Going On
Uploaded by zegonzag

oh p.s. I'm 25 now !!! Watch out now! lol

Reconnecting

Hey look a real post!

I grew up with two sisters and an older brother. My mom has four kids so technically I'm not a middle child, but among my sisters I'm in the middle. But, my father had another daughter about a year and a half after my younger sister was born. The first time I met her, I was 7 and she was 3. We took pictures in the hallway of her mother's apartment and then we left. That was also the first time I heard about her. The next time I saw her she was 12 and all about N'Sync and the Backstreet boys. Now that I'm older I decided to look her up and I found her on facebook (who says facebook is pointless). I sent her message after she added me and we've been talking back and forth trying to get to know eachother, and I feel good about it. She's so young and just cute she tells me about her day and her plans for the weekend.

I'm hopeful about our relationship, but what scares me is I'm not out to anyone on my father's side. I practically never see them and the only one I really care about is my grandmother and she's old and very catholic and I don't want to risk being disowned in her final years. So now I'm wondering how to proceed with my sister, you can begin to assume that I'm gay from my facebook page, and I want to have an open honest relationship with her, but I don't want to be out to my father's side who she's closer with. So I'm not sure how to proceed, but for now I'm enjoying being reconnected with my sister.

Monday lust on Wednesday again

Late again, but this week I get my inspiration from Top Chef and no I'm not lusting after Carla, even though she has won over my heart. I'm lusting after the beautiful Padma Lakshmi.

Monday lust on Wednesday

Okay so as some of you may know my niece was born on Friday, so I haven't been able to post like I wanted to. Anyway so who am I lusting after on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and pretty much any day of the week. The beautiful Rosario Dawson.... let the drooling commence.