Friday, September 04, 2009


So I've been trying this whole new positivity thing. I always tell other people to think positively about a situation, you know put out the energy you want to get back and all that jazz. I honestly believe it... but for other people. I haven't quite taken hold of this idea for myself, so I tried it. I thought positively about a situation and did not get the results I wanted. I know its not like a gum ball machine where you put in a quarter and you get what you want, its much more complicated than that. But, that's the problem with so many things in this world. So often I know things in my mind but, I struggle with bring that knowledge and acceptance to my heart and soul. So what to do? How do you rectify what you believe in your head with what's in your heart? Isn't that one of the cosmic eternal questions? I find myself thinking about what I did wrong to bring about the wrong outcome? Maybe it's not even a wrong outcome, but just not the one I wanted? I don't know that's another one to add to the list of questions that go unanswered for the time being.

This post probably doesn't make much sense, but I'm definitely writing very stream of consciousness right now, so bare with me. I've been trying to get all of my thoughts out. This is my latest mission, because I find when I hold too much in, it gets to be too much. So I'm releasing all my hopes, dreams, fears and nightmares and hoping that with this release I'll gain some peace. I've even started journaling in an effort to really get it all out. I even bought a nice new journal from Barnes and Noble that is supposed to be eco friendly, fair trade and made by a women's co op in Nepal. I really feel like it's inspiring me to write more. Anyway I think that I've definitely verbally vomited enough on this blog for tonight.

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“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.” ~Audre Lorde