Its my anniversary

So as of today I've been blogging for a whole entire year. Here's a repost of my first post

This is the beginning of my blog. I guess I'm going to use this as a place to rant and rave and just let out the way I'm feeling. Anyways I know that I have a lot that I need to work on in my life, and this blog will be my way to document my journey to enlightenment, at the end I hope to be enlightened personally, politically and academically. I am about to move to a new town in a different region to go to grad school. I am really excited about this because I think this move will finally allow me to establish myself as an individual. I hope to really gain some independence and stability. I don't know how to explain myself, my whole entire life I have never truly followed my own desires. I have always felt the need to fit some mold, it's like I've been living by some script. So now I'm 22 years old and I'm sure about very little now a days. In two months I will be starting a masters program and I am scared to death. I'm terrified that I won't be able to do it, I'm afraid that they'll look at me and wonder how I graduated college. I'm terrified that grad school will be a repeat of college. One of the main things that I am confused about is my sexuality, I always find it hard to write. I've been struggling to figure out where I stand for sometime, I haven't told anyone about my dilemma, as I've come to call it. I figured this blog would be a good place to voice what I'm going through to someone other than myself. It's all about baby steps, right? I'll go more in to it later. I guess this is it for my first post.

I need to be numb, I need not to feel not to think not to worry. I just need to be numb, because no solution is good enough. I'm pissed that my aunt has just been a doormat for various men in her life, they've used her body, given her AIDS, given her bruises, given her nothing but hell and there's nothing I can do. I can call a number, I can call her, I can do a multitude of things but what if none of it works? What then? what do I say to my lil cousins ? I have so much rage coursing through my body that I can barely think straight. She deserves so much better than this, she's lived a life of nothing but pain and there's nothing I can do. My mom says that every man that she's been with has hit her. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? is that supposed to make it better. I have tons of options but none of them seem to be good enough. Nothing will make me feel better than to see him dead. My anger has done nothing but grown all day. My little sister called me crying because she feels helpless like me, I told her tons of things shit that I don't even believe. Shit that I know will do nothing to soothe her because it didn't soothe me. I can't get home right now and all I want to do is be home. Be there to look at my aunt's swollen face and tell her how much I love her and how she deserves so much more than this. I don't think a phone call could do it. I want to hold my lil cousins while they cry I want to stab that man in his heart.

Someone please tell me what I'm supposed to do

Someone, anyone please tell me what I'm supposed to do! I just called my mom to tell her about my new apt, when she tells me that my aunt who has been having some problems lately just got beat up by her boyfriend. This man punched her in the face and then proceeded to stomp her and then threaten to kill her and her children if she ever cheats on him. My little cousins were witness to this all. She doesn't want to press charges and is back over his house today all black and blue and swollen. He tried to take her to someone's house to be beaten up.

I want someone to tell me what I'm supposed to do! How do I take all of my readings on black women and our lives and help my aunt? How do I help my aunt who is HIV positive, in an abusive relationship, smoking too much weed and isn't relating to her children? What do I do? I'm just so FUCKING tired of this world where this happens and I'm left completely helpless.

pride

Its June so that means pride season is upon us. This is going to be my first time going and to be perfectly honest I'm nervous, I'm anxious, I'm scared...I'm feeling a mix of so many emotions. I talked about it with my best friend and she definitely helped me process a lot of my feelings. So I'm feeling a lot more at ease about the whole thing. But what's beginning to weigh on me is the fact that I'm not really out, there are still a lot of people who don't know that I'm a lesbian, a lot of my family members, friends from undergrad. One of my friend's from undergrad came out not so long ago and put it up on facebook, and myspace, and I'm not brave enough to do that. I'm mad at myself because I feel like I don't have any pride. One of my friends just put this picture up as their profile pic on myspace and I really like it and want to put it up somewhere, but doing that would out me and thats scary. I want to be more out, but I feel like I rushed it in a lot of ways already and I wasn't ready for the conversations that had to come after me coming out. I've realized that coming out is definitely a process and its overwhelming at times. Sometimes I feel like I'm watching my life spin out of control. I'm such a planner, and coming out wasn't a part of my initial plan. I'm so confused I feel like I'm at an impass, I don't know where to go from here.

I don't get women...

I don't get women...me included.

One of the first girls that I've seriously had a crush on since being in grad school is so damned complicated and confusing. She sends tons of mixed signals, one minute she's inviting herself over for dinner and drinks and flirting with me then she's flirting with my friends and says she's no longer single. Now I haven't heard from her in several weeks and then she writes on my facebook wall "thinkin' bout you" ........I'm so confused. She made it very clear before that she was involved with someone and now she's been thinkin' bout me? That's not something you write to a platonic friend. She makes no sense, and neither do I because despite having several very prominent STOP signs concerning her I'm still completely infatuated with her. She has this certain vibe that's completely irresistible, but I'm completely aware that she has the potential to do nothing but break my heart...but it’s still hard for me to stay away. I make no sense!


Then I'm also mad at myself for being slightly shallow, because there is this other girl who is a friend of a friend, and we've been talking back and forth via facebook. She's very conscious and dedicated to the cause, she possesses a lot of the qualities that I want in a woman, but I don't find her attractive at all, and because of that I've been hesitant to pursue anything with her (she also lives 5 hours away). But, she's confusing also because she's shy like me and therefore not very open about her feelings towards me. There have been some flirty messages, but even those are debatable. So I'm completely confused!

Chicana feminists make my heart smile!

I've been falling off lately with the blogging, trying to get in to a schedule now that its summer time. So I'm have some more posts coming but in the meantime check out two of my favorite Chicana feminists....

My real life friend Di over at La Oscuridad Necesaria has finally posted again and has dedicated her site to increasing the visibility of Chicana feminists in the arts. She's an amazing poet, writer and all around great person, who's love life is going to make me a famous film maker some day :D

BFP with her post on La Vendida which is absolutely amazing and has solidified my love for BFP so here is my formal proposal to BFP I know you're already married, but I don't mind sharing :D
In an effort to not contribute to the destruction of Africa this is not a diamond... So what do you say BFP?

I'm letting go

I've been going back and forth on what my 100th post would be, there's been so much going on, but today I had dinner with my former best friend from High School, and as I sat there I realized that I was confident in who I am. But more than anything this recent trip home has allowed me to let a lot of things go. I've had a chance to say my final goodbye to my undergraduate institution. I went to graduation, and that's really it. I don't foresee me going back there anytime soon. So its time to let go, but I'm also letting go of my home. My mom's home, I'm letting go, this is no longer my home. My mom has moved her Fiancée in, and everything is just different. My home is wherever I create it to be, and my mother's house is not it. So I'm finally letting go of the notion that her house is where I belong, and with that I'm no longer going to stress myself out about it. When I leave this home tomorrow, I'm leaving all the trauma that I endured here right here. I'm not carrying that with me anymore. I'm looking out for me from now on. I'm leaving the person that lived in this town here, and when I do come back and visit, I'm not picking her back up. It's really a time to let go I've come to realize. When I go back to the south I'm going to start looking for a new apartment, and that's going to be my home. I'm just realizing its time to grow up, move on, let go and be free.

There are interlopers in my house!!

There are interlopers in my house and I don't know what to do. I literally just arrived home home, to find the man my mom rented my room out to, and her fiancee. My house that was once a completely female environment now has men. I can't help but be hesitant because the last few men the broke in to our sanctum forever changed it for the worst. Now after 4 months my mom says that she's in love and ready to get married, and I want to be happy for her I really do, but I can't help but be weary. I don't want her to be hurt again, but there's nothing I can do now. She has made her choice, she chose this man, and I hope it all works out. My childhood was far from perfect, it was filled with a perpetual state of chaos but in between the drama and the trauma were some really good times. I loved living in a completely female centered house, but now that has all changed and even though I no longer live at home, when I come home I still want that there. sigh I hope it all works out

Music time

Music time!!!

So I'm really not a rock fan, I actually abhor 99% of the rock that I hear, but I really like this song



I was just recently introduced to Nina Simone and WOW I'm in love she's great!!

I listen to this song a million times in a row

I'm not a big fan of this video, especially since learning of its origin. It's from the play the Roar of the Greasepaint-the Smell of the crowd. When this song is sung, its sung by a former slave, and she's singing about her new life in freedom. This video really doesn't really convey that message...regardless the song is still amazing!!


and how can you not love a song called young gifted and Black

pretty self explanatory

Choice

So I've been thinking about a couple of things, mainly the subject of choice. Not choice as we think in terms of reproduction but rather choice as it applies to our sexuality. I was reading this book This is what a Lesbian looks like and it is actually pretty good, from what I've read so far. And one author touched briefly on the idea of choice in the LGBT community. She only mentioned it in a footnote but the notion really caught my attention. She said

"I'm purposely using the term preference. While many people may have a sexual orientation, many others- straight and queer - may not. The sexual liberation movement did not always use the term orientation, and I believe its coinage was part of the strategy that moved us into a civil rights framework, the idea being that if we fuck others of the same sex because we are more deserving of civil rights. Choice has been completely discounted. In my opinion, the orientation argument seems to be little more than Don't be mean to us poor homosexuals. We can't help it. It is important to also argue for the right of an individual to choose homosexuality if that makes sense to them. I chose to be a dyke (because I love women and honestly, the sex is better), and it's the best decision I ever made!"
Karen Bullock-Jordan, "Girls just want to have fun" in This is what a Lesbian looks like Ithaca, NY :Firebrand Books (1999)

This is something that I never ever thought about, I really liked a lot of what she said in this article, because it caused me to question a lot of my assumptions about sex. Just her notion about sexual preference opened my eyes, and really exposed how much I'm still struggling with my own sexuality (not like I needed much reminding). I'm still in the stage of not complete acceptance, I talk a good game and can put on airs, but deep down I'm still very scared and insecure, and I often feel very alone. Unfortunately you're not allowed to say this to hetero people, because if you say that then they immediately try and work in the idea that you can pray this out of you. I can't convey to them, how even though I'm insecure I'm still very secure. I know that I am a lesbian, I know that! I'm not confused about that, but with that knowledge comes great debate, confusion and a fight for acceptance. So I definitely feel like I'm one of the people that Karen Bullock-Jordan was criticizing with the attitude, of don't be mean I can't help it. Because coming up against such criticism with my sexuality, that’s the notion that I've been holding on to. I try to give off the perception that I'm completely at ease with my sexuality and think its great for everyone, but truth be told I believe I reject the notion of preference, because in my mind if its a choice you have to make another one. I don't think that I'll always feel like this, but this is still very new to me and this is where I'm at right now.

But why can't there be sexual preference? Why can't people choose to not fall in line with heterosexual norms? What harm are we doing in denying the presence of choice?

I think it’s the silence surrounding this issue and the internalized heterosexism that has allowed for this conversation to be pushed to the back burner. I don't know about every one else, but I know that's my reason. I think oppressed people are reluctant to admit to how much of "the system" they have bought in to, and continues to be apart of us. We can talk in the past tense, but not the present. Last night I went out with a bunch of people from my program and this one guy who is very "conscious" told me that he has never dated brown or dark skin women, but rather all of his exes are light skinned with long hair and little curves. He admitted, only while drunk, that he has not broken with the Eurocentric standards that he was raised with. Why is that such a hard thing to admit? As oppressed people we are denied the right to be complete humans, we are typically seen as one dimensional people, and we replicate that standard within our communities. We only want to see the confident people, and oddly enough within the LGBT community while we claim that we are trying to encourage an out and truthful life, I feel like this has led to more silence and lies. Karen Bullock-Jordan in her essay was speaking to the desexualization of homosexuality; she really saw sex in a different way than many people I have encountered. I really appreciated her article because she really truly challenged heterosexism, and in doing so she made me see the true harm it caused. There is the idea that a woman is not a lesbian if she has ever had a relationship with a man that she enjoyed, I'm thinking specifically about Sheryl Swoopes, I remember hearing talk about how she was really bi because when she was with her ex husband she truly loved him and enjoyed the sex. We have such limiting notions of sex and sexuality, that we become really judgmental.

I like the title of the book , This is what a lesbian looks like, because it really speaks to the lack of variation that we see when we think of a Queer person. I have become obsessed with anything having to deal with coming out, for obvious reasons, but a large amount of what I see everyone always says they've known since they were in the womb or something to that effect. It's not hard to wonder why that is so prevalent, when you look at Oprah, and when she interviewed Terry McMillan's ex husband she refused to accept that he wasn't sure of his sexuality until later in life. She made it seem as if it were an impossibility.

As my professor would say, so what? and that's what I'm looking to an answer for, I don't know where to go from here or how to further engage this notion, but I'm open to any comments and suggestions. What do we do with the notion of choice?

randomness

The year is done, grades are in and I've got straight A's for the first time in my entire life!! I'm a little excited, I did a dance, but now my life seems empty lol. I have no work to not do. I actually do have work to do but its not pressing. I don't have class, I have no focus. Anyways searching the web I came across a few pics I need to share


First how hot is Rose Rollins..... Why won't she marry me?
And second I told you all that latinas could rock the low almost bald look and look hot

No more pencils
No more Books
No more teachers dirty looks!!!!

My mom used to say that every year when it was the end of school. And now I sing it with glee, because I'm DONE with my first year of GRAD SCHOOL!!!
WOO HOOO!!!!!!!

Another dimension of love

I read this poem at this poetry thing I went to today and sort of freaked everyone out, I think. I thought it was beautiful and spoke to something very real. It shows that there's another dimension of love.

Untitled

By Lanuola Asiasiga

Do you know what it's like
to have to try and make love
with someone you care about
someone you really love
And in the middle of it all
you hate her
hate her to death
for reminding you
for triggering the memories
you've buried so deep

I made a terrible life choice

sigh....so true! so true!

I'M GOING TO BE A GOD MOMMY

I'M GOING TO BE A GOD MOMMY!!! Finally, since anacoana aka my bestest friend in the whole wide world. Has finally decided to post and also update the world on her little bun in the oven. I can finally say WooHoo I'm going to be a Godmom!! I'm also going to be an aunt. My sister in law is also pregnant with a little boy, and oddly enough I could have announced that a while ago, but kind of forget...oops Anyways I'm really excited. She's going to be a great mom so head over and send her some love. Oh and if you have any nickname tips let me know I'm still working on it.

There's something about bald women

I don't know what but there's something about bald women of color particularly, they are just some of the sexiest women I've ever seen. They exude confidence, you just have to be so self confident to cut off all of your hair. a rare treat for you all an actual picture of me


okay you can't see my face but that's my hair, I've had locs for going on 4 years now, and I love my hair I can't even imagine cutting it off. But I wish I had the confidence to do so. Its not only bald women, but women with really low cuts you have to have this confidence this surity in yourself to just rock your hair low. These women are going against the grain in so many ways, saying yes I do have really short hair and I'm still sexy, I'm still a woman. This is what the world needs more of. So here's a little tribute to them all I'm also including the woman who inspired me to post this pic, I found her poem through Tigera Consciente

I'm sick and tired of arrogant narcissistic professors!!
I'm tired of Grad School,
I'm tired of stressing myself out for what? I don't know.
I'm tired of it all!!!

FUCK GRAD SCHOOL
FUCK ACADEMIA
JUST FUCK IT ALL!!!!

This is why I love Brownfemipower

a few reasons why BFP makes my heart smile

reason #1

reason #2

reason #3

reason #4

There are so many more...but I just felt the need to highlight these few. So this goes out to Brownfemipower keep on the fight!

I'm not angry I'm anger!!!

I have 2 drafts of posts, but my brain is working well enough to finish them so instead enjoy this...