moving

WOOO HOOO I'm moving!!!!

I just signed the lease to my new place, and got my keys! I'm so excited!

I'm moving from an itty bitty studio, which is really just a room with a kitchen and bathroom. Now I'm moving in to a wonderful 1 bedroom apt with my own private backyard. Today I just sat in my empty apt and planned all of what I'm going to do. Being in my new place makes me abhor my current apartment. I even did a little happy dance lol. I'll post some pics soon as I get settled.


This is really me because I'm moving by myself with a laundry cart

Look at Freddie

Okay I was such a huuge fan of "A Different World" when I was younger. So I was shocked to see little Freddie all grown up and singing! She doesn't sound half bad either. I found this video of hers and its kind of great. Even though my former fundie self makes me weary because she says the Lord can't save you, and I'm sorry I know its one part but I'm a recovering fundie. But still this video is amazing and she's absolutely beautiful!



Thanks to Wikipedia I find out that she was raised on a reservation in Canada and a member of the plains Cree first nation. She's pretty great!

this blog is rated R

Mingle² - Online Dating

apparently because I said
gay 4x
Lesbian 2x
and pissed 1x


via a very sanctimonious G rated BFP

for your blogging pleasure

Oh my Blogosphere!
There are lots of very good posts up and I thought I'd share them with you all.

Keith Boykin gets an exclusive interview with Isaiah Washington about his recent firing. I think Isaiah's statements add an interesting dynamic to the whole controversy. However, it seems like he's not accepting the full responsibility for his actions.

Keith Boykin also calls out oh Dubya on his "culture of death".

A gay NJ high school couple has their picture blacked out because of it's "illicit" content.

Pomegranate Queen brilliantly talks about the Intersections of Violence. She's Freaking Brilliant!

Kameela Writes uses photography to show how Black hair is political. Thanks BFP for the link!

After 43 years finally there's some justice!

AfterEllen reminds us why some commercials/ads make you homicidal.... or maybe thats just me.

DL Hughley is an ass hole! Thanks BFP for the info and links

Oh and there's a new Blog on the block! Someone else I know in real life... my secret identity is becoming harder to maintain.

Here's a pic of the lovely Rose Rollins. Why? because she's beautiful. duh!

I like to Laugh

Okay so I've been obsessed with gay comics lately. Laughing is great, so I thought I'd share some of my favorites

first up we have Charlie Ballard who I saw on Logo and he's absolutely hilarious!





Then we have Sandra Valls who I am absolutely in love with!! She's gorgeous and funny as hell. You should definitely catch her on Latin Divas of comedy if you can. This is where I first saw here...once again on logo. Oh did I mention she's super hot!





There's also Elvira Kurt who actually came to my god forsaken town and I missed her





This is for all my L word fans, Marga Gomez!

I love my mommy

Keith Boykin posted a picture of him and his mother on his site, and was talking about their relationship. That just got me thinking about my mother. We definitely did not have the best of relationships when I was growing up, but it’s a lot better now. My mother battled addiction when I was younger, but she never got so strung out that we didn't have what we needed, we never went hungry. She always did the best she could do, and as I get older I recognize her more for all she's done and continues to do. All of my siblings know that too, we know that no matter what our mom will always be there for us. I called her on Sunday to wish her a happy father's day, because she's truly been mother and father my whole life. When I was talking to her today she said that all of my siblings had called her on Saturday to ask her for money. Now while it may appear that we're all being spoiled, I think it signals something more. My brother is 34 years old and he called too because we know that our mother would never deny us anything we needed. Now if we call her with some foolishness she will say no in a hurry.

As I struggled with my sexuality and the inevitable question about coming out to my mom came up, I was afraid, but never too afraid. Because, I knew that no matter what my mom would always love me. Me and my mother are a lot alike we have the same personality, which is why we butt heads so much. However, our similar personality is also what helps me to understand her. My mother is the one who planted the seed of Black studies in me, years ago. My mom was kicked out of her high school because she refused to be silent about the racism in her school. She never raised us with the standard little girls do this and that; she let us define our own gender identity, which I'm truly appreciative of. She's always been committed to education and got her Bachelor's degree a week before I got mine. Now she's pursuing her master’s degree and really pushing forward with her life.

As a lot of my friends and family are having children I think about the relationship between mother and child a lot. Even though my mother didn't say the words I love you often, I knew it. She showed it in walking to the hospital with my brother in her hands when he was younger and having an asthma attack. When she quit taking night classes because we wanted her home more, in going to rehab when she knew she couldn't manage her addiction again. My mom showed me and my siblings love, and because of that her imperfections mean nothing. To me my mom is the perfect mom, and I'm truly thankful for her.

This is my favorite picture of the two of us

8 things about me

Yay Vegankid tagged me !

Rules: Each person posts the rules before their list, then they list 8 things about themselves. At the end of the post, that person tags and links to 8 other people; then visits those people’s sites and comments, letting them know that they have been tagged, and to come read the post, so they know what they have to do.

1. I'm moving next week!
2. My best friends are like my family
   
3. Even after doing well in grad school I still doubt my academic abilities
   
4. I'm considered short by some, but I'm average height!
5. I think Androgynous women are hot!
6. Every year I wish my mom a happy father's day.
   
7. my fake love life is more interesting than my real love life
   
8. I hate to be embarrassed!

okay now I tag Anacoana, Di, Brownfemipower, Laura Luna, Sly Civilian, Fab , Darkmind, and Jason

My first Pride

I just got back from my very first pride celebration. I had a ball!! It was so much fun!

issues that I had not completely resolved, in going to a Pride parade signaled to me something that I wasn't completely ready to accept before, complete acceptance of who I am. I talk a good talk, but I'm still struggling. So the whole idea of pride just made me really anxious. I felt bad because I didn't feel like I had any pride, and then I felt like there would be a Queer measuring stick that I didn't necessarily measure up to. When talking about this with my best friend she wisely said that maybe pride was about going there with none and coming back with some. II've been having a lot of anxiety about going before. Going to pride made me confront a lot of definitely have to say that that's exactly what happened. I feel so much better about everything; I'm no longer so terrified that people from my undergrad were going to find out the truth. There might be some facebook pictures and I'm okay with that.

Yesterday was the parade and I thought that I had prepped myself but as I began to walk to the spot where I was going to watch the parade, I began to freak out. My heart was racing and I was shaking. I called my best friend in a panic, after she calmed me down and I hung up. Immediately these two guys complimented me on my earrings, and then we started talking and they invited me to walk around with them. They were so nice and I hung out with them for most of the night. Then when I left them, I ran in to a girl who was in one of my classes. It was funny because we both looked at each other and said "What are yoou doing here?!” It was great, because once again I wasn't walking around by myself. The rest of the night got really weird but that’s not what’s important. Today there was just a general festival, and I went by myself hoping to meet people again, but I just ended up hanging out on the grass for a while by myself. I ran in to some girls from a program that I had presented for before. It was nice because I didn't even know that one of them was a lesbian, and there program isn't exactly gay friendly, but they had found each other and banded together. What made me happier is that she remembered me and was happy to see me, while I was presenting she looked real bored, but I made an impact.

I saw so many young kids, holding hands with their boyfriends and girlfriends and not caring, it was beautiful. I saw older people walking around happy and enjoying the day. It was so nice to not have to worry about being seen, people finding out. It was beautiful! I felt so proud and so happy. Then I got to hang out with the girl from my class later, and we did the electric slide on stage, and had a great view of the drag show, and just got to talk about being out on our campus. It was beautiful! I had such a great time and a lot of my anxiety about being out has dissipated, because I know I'm not alone!

Here are some pictures from the Drag Queen show tonight and some stuff I bought

This is part of an airbrush tattoo I got on my arm

I added a pride flag to my flag collection on my wall


A cool incense holder I bought (ignore the stuff in the background lol )

The Queen of Pride

Singing Dear Mr. President

Life is a highway, I'm gonna ride it all night long!

Some pride balloons in the air

I cut of their heads but they just got engaged

Call me Mrs. DiFranco?

Okay I promise I will stop posting random surveys and quizzes soon, but my brain has shut down and therefore not allowed me to get anything done, or think. So here's my last one. I just need to let Ani DiFranco know that apparently we're supposed to be together. Maybe I should listen to some of her music

Lesbian Matchmaker

MEET ANI DiFRANCO! Ani is one non-conformist woman who enjoys singing, playing guitar, and writing poetry. Some days the line she walksturns out to be straight. She has no criteria for sex or race. She just wants to hear your voice and see your face. But if you think you should feel leary by Ani's being attracted to men also, then that's your loss. Judging a woman souly on not being 100% lesbain would mean missing out on the opportunity to be under the arm of one of todays most influential feminists. Just imagine this amazing woman is on stage and you're surrounded by thousands of screaming fans... but to the two of you, at this very moment, they don't even exist.
Take this quiz!








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oh boredom

I'm bored so therefore we have blogthings

I'm keeping this one

Your Boobies' Names Are...

Venus and Serena

Boobie Name Generator

Your Linguistic Profile:

45% General American English 35% Yankee 10% Dixie 5% Upper Midwestern 0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Your Heart Is Green

Love completes you, but that doesn't mean you seek it out. When love comes your way, you integrate it peacefully into the rest of you life. Your flirting style: Laid back Your lucky first date: Walking around aimlessly and talking Your dream lover: Is both enthusiastic and calm What you bring to relationships: Balance

What Color Heart Do You Have?

You Are In a Fantastic Mood

You're confident, focused, and on top of your game. People are attracted to your energy right now. This is the time to go for it - you're likely to get what you want!

What Mood Are You In?

Your 1996 Theme Song Is: California Love by Tupac and Dre

Let me serenade the streets of L.A. From Oakland to Sacktown The Bay Area and back down Cali is where they put they mack down Give me love!

What's Your 1996 Theme Song?

You Should Rule Mercury

Close to sun, Mercury has very long days - and is rarely visible to the rest of the solar system. You are perfect to rule Mercury, because you live for the present - and can truly enjoy a day that goes on forever. Like Mercury, you are quick and elusive. Your wit is outstanding, and you can win any verbal sparring match. Some people see you as superficial, but in truth, you just play many roles and have many interests. A great manipulator, you usually get what you want from people. And they're happy to give it to you.

What Planet Should You Rule?

You Are New York

Cosmopolitan and sophisticated, you enjoy the newest in food, art, and culture. You also appreciate a good amount of grit - and very little shocks you. You're competitive, driven, and very likely to succeed. Famous people from New York: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Tupac Shakur, Woody Allen

What American City Are You?

Your Power Element is Fire

Your power color: red Your energy: hot Your season: spring Like a fire, you are full of power and light. A born leader, you easily draw people toward you. You are full of courage and usually up for anything dangerous. You have a huge ego and love to be the center of attention.

What's Your Power Element?

You Were a Crow

Eternally wise, you have a deep understand of ethics. You guide people from the darkness to the light.

What Animal Were You In a Past Life?

You Are the Middle Finger

A bit fragile and dependent on your friends, you're not nearly as hostile as you seem. You are balanced, easy to get along with, and quite serious. However, you can get angry and fed up with those around you. And you aren't afraid to show it! You get along well with: The Index Finger Stay away from: The Pinky

What Finger Are You?

Its my anniversary

So as of today I've been blogging for a whole entire year. Here's a repost of my first post

This is the beginning of my blog. I guess I'm going to use this as a place to rant and rave and just let out the way I'm feeling. Anyways I know that I have a lot that I need to work on in my life, and this blog will be my way to document my journey to enlightenment, at the end I hope to be enlightened personally, politically and academically. I am about to move to a new town in a different region to go to grad school. I am really excited about this because I think this move will finally allow me to establish myself as an individual. I hope to really gain some independence and stability. I don't know how to explain myself, my whole entire life I have never truly followed my own desires. I have always felt the need to fit some mold, it's like I've been living by some script. So now I'm 22 years old and I'm sure about very little now a days. In two months I will be starting a masters program and I am scared to death. I'm terrified that I won't be able to do it, I'm afraid that they'll look at me and wonder how I graduated college. I'm terrified that grad school will be a repeat of college. One of the main things that I am confused about is my sexuality, I always find it hard to write. I've been struggling to figure out where I stand for sometime, I haven't told anyone about my dilemma, as I've come to call it. I figured this blog would be a good place to voice what I'm going through to someone other than myself. It's all about baby steps, right? I'll go more in to it later. I guess this is it for my first post.

I need to be numb, I need not to feel not to think not to worry. I just need to be numb, because no solution is good enough. I'm pissed that my aunt has just been a doormat for various men in her life, they've used her body, given her AIDS, given her bruises, given her nothing but hell and there's nothing I can do. I can call a number, I can call her, I can do a multitude of things but what if none of it works? What then? what do I say to my lil cousins ? I have so much rage coursing through my body that I can barely think straight. She deserves so much better than this, she's lived a life of nothing but pain and there's nothing I can do. My mom says that every man that she's been with has hit her. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? is that supposed to make it better. I have tons of options but none of them seem to be good enough. Nothing will make me feel better than to see him dead. My anger has done nothing but grown all day. My little sister called me crying because she feels helpless like me, I told her tons of things shit that I don't even believe. Shit that I know will do nothing to soothe her because it didn't soothe me. I can't get home right now and all I want to do is be home. Be there to look at my aunt's swollen face and tell her how much I love her and how she deserves so much more than this. I don't think a phone call could do it. I want to hold my lil cousins while they cry I want to stab that man in his heart.

Someone please tell me what I'm supposed to do

Someone, anyone please tell me what I'm supposed to do! I just called my mom to tell her about my new apt, when she tells me that my aunt who has been having some problems lately just got beat up by her boyfriend. This man punched her in the face and then proceeded to stomp her and then threaten to kill her and her children if she ever cheats on him. My little cousins were witness to this all. She doesn't want to press charges and is back over his house today all black and blue and swollen. He tried to take her to someone's house to be beaten up.

I want someone to tell me what I'm supposed to do! How do I take all of my readings on black women and our lives and help my aunt? How do I help my aunt who is HIV positive, in an abusive relationship, smoking too much weed and isn't relating to her children? What do I do? I'm just so FUCKING tired of this world where this happens and I'm left completely helpless.

pride

Its June so that means pride season is upon us. This is going to be my first time going and to be perfectly honest I'm nervous, I'm anxious, I'm scared...I'm feeling a mix of so many emotions. I talked about it with my best friend and she definitely helped me process a lot of my feelings. So I'm feeling a lot more at ease about the whole thing. But what's beginning to weigh on me is the fact that I'm not really out, there are still a lot of people who don't know that I'm a lesbian, a lot of my family members, friends from undergrad. One of my friend's from undergrad came out not so long ago and put it up on facebook, and myspace, and I'm not brave enough to do that. I'm mad at myself because I feel like I don't have any pride. One of my friends just put this picture up as their profile pic on myspace and I really like it and want to put it up somewhere, but doing that would out me and thats scary. I want to be more out, but I feel like I rushed it in a lot of ways already and I wasn't ready for the conversations that had to come after me coming out. I've realized that coming out is definitely a process and its overwhelming at times. Sometimes I feel like I'm watching my life spin out of control. I'm such a planner, and coming out wasn't a part of my initial plan. I'm so confused I feel like I'm at an impass, I don't know where to go from here.

I don't get women...

I don't get women...me included.

One of the first girls that I've seriously had a crush on since being in grad school is so damned complicated and confusing. She sends tons of mixed signals, one minute she's inviting herself over for dinner and drinks and flirting with me then she's flirting with my friends and says she's no longer single. Now I haven't heard from her in several weeks and then she writes on my facebook wall "thinkin' bout you" ........I'm so confused. She made it very clear before that she was involved with someone and now she's been thinkin' bout me? That's not something you write to a platonic friend. She makes no sense, and neither do I because despite having several very prominent STOP signs concerning her I'm still completely infatuated with her. She has this certain vibe that's completely irresistible, but I'm completely aware that she has the potential to do nothing but break my heart...but it’s still hard for me to stay away. I make no sense!


Then I'm also mad at myself for being slightly shallow, because there is this other girl who is a friend of a friend, and we've been talking back and forth via facebook. She's very conscious and dedicated to the cause, she possesses a lot of the qualities that I want in a woman, but I don't find her attractive at all, and because of that I've been hesitant to pursue anything with her (she also lives 5 hours away). But, she's confusing also because she's shy like me and therefore not very open about her feelings towards me. There have been some flirty messages, but even those are debatable. So I'm completely confused!

Chicana feminists make my heart smile!

I've been falling off lately with the blogging, trying to get in to a schedule now that its summer time. So I'm have some more posts coming but in the meantime check out two of my favorite Chicana feminists....

My real life friend Di over at La Oscuridad Necesaria has finally posted again and has dedicated her site to increasing the visibility of Chicana feminists in the arts. She's an amazing poet, writer and all around great person, who's love life is going to make me a famous film maker some day :D

BFP with her post on La Vendida which is absolutely amazing and has solidified my love for BFP so here is my formal proposal to BFP I know you're already married, but I don't mind sharing :D
In an effort to not contribute to the destruction of Africa this is not a diamond... So what do you say BFP?