Helloooooo 26

As I write this I'm 30 mins away from 26. I was looking over my old posts, to see my bday post from last year and I didn't even post. I was currently deep in a funk. Trying my hardest not to completely fall apart. Well here I am at 26 and things are getting better. I just got back from an amazing weekend with 2 of my favorite people in the world. I was able to be surrounded by truly genuine people who radiated positivity and I'm better for it. So this year, I'm determined to make changes. I'm really going to work on pulling myself out of this hole I've dug, I'm no longer just going to consider climbing out, I'm going to put in the work.

My birthday doesn't really feel special this year, it just seems like another day, nothing for me to be excited. I'm not gonna lie part of this is due to a wave of depression I'm currently fighting, but I'm trying to look beyond myself and my current situation. So I'm not 100% better, but I'm on the mend. I'm feeling better about my life and the decision I've made. I'm not where I want to be, and I'm not yet at the point to say that I'm happy that I am who I am here, but I've done what I have needed to in order to remain relatively sane. So this is how I'm entering 26, fighting off a wave of depression I feel creeping, but I'm still hopeful and positive about where I'm going to go from here. So welcome 26 I'm sure it's going to be a hell of a ride.

This path

So last night despite feeling great most of the day, I started to feel a little down, so I pulled out some books, I needed something to make me feel better, so I grabbed a couple of Audre Lorde books, but I was having a hard time concentrating. As I was scrambling to find something to hang on to, to make it through this dark spot. I started thinking that I needed healing words. I wrote it down in my journal. I wrote I need healing words, from strong women who have been through it all so I can know that I can make it. After writing I started to feel a little bit better, and then as I was skimming through the Audre's Cancer Journals and I come to this article that was written exactly 5 years before I was born. On March 30, 1979 she wrote about her mastectomy and her fear that she'd never regain the pleasure that she got from that right breast that was removed. She wrote :

"... That sense has completely passed away, as I have come to realize that that well of feeling was within me. I alone own my feelings. I can never lose that feeling because I own it, because it comes out of myself. I can attach it anywhere I want to, because my feelings are apart of me, my sorrow and my joy.
I would never have chosen this path, but I am very glad to be who I am, here."
~Audre Lorde

I love that whole passage but especially that last part where she says I would never have chosen this path, but I am very glad to be who I am, here. How amazingly strong and self assured. Even through a horrible trying time, she was able to see through it all and cling on to her own sense of self. Beneath all of her pain, there was a deep love and acceptance of herself and every aspect of her. That's amazing, I know it's something I don't have yet, but hopefully I will be there one day. I'm beginning to realize that there is no sense in bemoaning where I'm at in my life or the many paths my life has taken me down, because beneath it all. I've always been me, and I need to learn to connect to myself more and not be side tracked by everything else, even my own feelings because they don't control me, I control my feelings.

Sigh I just love her, and I'm grateful for the revelations that came to me last night, hopefully someone out there will be similarly blessed.

Even a little is still better

These past 2 years have been really really rough on me. I've been in one of the deepest depressions of my life, but thankfully I can say even though it's been rough, it hasn't been the worst. Anyway today I realized that I'm feel a little bit better. I'm not 100% yet, but I feel myself creeping out of my hole. I've noticed more bright days than dark so I'm feeling optimistic. Gnarls Barkley has a song that actually describes where I'm at perfectly.

My favorite line of the entire song is "even a little is still better". This song is just perfect right now. Enjoy and here are the rest of the lyrics

"A Little Better"

[Cee-Lo]
Now I can sing you the storyline
And if you like my story fine
But ain't none of the glory mine
See my life was a lonely one
And I was still momma's only son
With no idea what I'm gon' become
And I didn't have long to know
That you don't have to be grown to go
I could have died so long befo'
Then I finally saw the sign
And I made it on down the line
One step at a time

[Chorus]
I feel better!
I can smile at it now, I feel better
Ohhhh, better!
And even a little is still better
Oh, have mercy on me

[Cee-Lo]
Ohhh it's probably plain to see
That I got a whole lot of pain in me
And it will always remain in me
So cold, it's a cryin shame
Yet here I am, tryin again
Cause I refuse to die in vain
The circumstances put soul in me
And there ain't no holdin me
I've got a heart made of gold in me
Hah, can you believe this is where I've been?
And when adversity comes again
I'll deal with it then

[Chorus]
I feel better!
I can laugh at it now, I feel better, heh heh
Ohhhh, better!
And even a little is still better
Oh, have mercy on me-heeeeeeee

[Cee-Lo]
Ah-ahhh-hahhh-ah yeahhh
Mmmmmmmmmm, ohhhhhhh-oh-ohhhh!

I said everything's fine, you can take your time
What would be on your mind, if you knew you was dyin
I would wanna just feel this ah-one more time
I said everything's fine, take yo' time
What would be on your mind, if you knew you was dyin
I would wanna just feel this ah-one more time
I wanna thank you morning sun
I wanna thank you lowly dirt
Now I know I'm not the only one
I, I wanna thank you friendly ghost
When all the calls were close
It seems like you cared the most
I, I wanna thank you Mom and Dad
For hurtin me so bad
But you're the best I ever had
I, I wanna thank you... [fades]

Questions on my mind

Random late night questions:
It's damn near 1:30am and these are some of the questions keeping me up right now. I just figured if I got them out of my system maybe the answers would become clear.

• How do you feel safe doing everyday average things, when that safety has been violated?
• Do you ever feel safe letting someone you care about out of your sight after they've been hurt?
  
• When you feel pain so deeply because of someone else's trauma how do you keep it inside so you don't pull them back down with you?
• Is it ever going to be safe to be a woman in this world?

76 years ago today Audre Lorde was born.


I have a lot of deep feelings about her and I definitely feel like we're connected on some level even though she passed when I was only 8 years old. But, I just want to take some time and just honor her, for living her life bravely.

Happy Birthday Audre!

Back to church?

I've been thinking a lot about the path I've taken in my life. Specifically the people that I have cut out of my life. I tend to do that, a lot. But, recently I've been thinking about the people who were connected to my more conservative evangelical days. After coming out, I cut myself off from that part of my life and most everyone who was a part of it. I needed to be far away from the old me, the me who felt caged in a life that was a times fulfilling, but ultimately left me wanting. So I not only left the church, but I also left a lot of the people associated with it. Now I'm not going to lie, some of those people I needed to let go. They were no good for me on any level and I tolerated a lot of their behavior because it was the "Christian" thing to do, but in the past couple of weeks I've been dreaming about them, and I've also had the urge to go back to Church. But, I can never go back to the kind of church that I went to before, because I'm 100% sure that I will not be accepted. So in order to go back I have to find a new church a completely different type of church. However, that's not what I really want. I want to be able to fully integrate the old and new me, but two things that are diametrically opposed can't live in harmony... Can they?

How do you go on when you've turned your back on everything you were taught to believe? The more I think about it, it's not so much the people I miss even though my heart aches for some of them. But, it's more about the feeling I had in church and I don't think I can get that back. Because despite what I've been told since from people I respect. Everything I was taught tells me that I can't go back without changing parts of me that just can't change.

Haiti my forgotten homeland

My heart has been breaking as I read more and more of the news coming out of Haiti. I am half Haitian. My father and all of my aunts except one were born in Haiti. Now my father is a sporadic visitor in my life. So I don't know very much about that side of me. But, I do know that my grandmother who I am in contact with still calls and sends money and supplies to our relatives there. Today a 7.0 magnitude earthquake hit 10 miles from Port-Au-Prince where my family lives. I'm sitting here wondering if the little girl whose picture I saw at my grandmother's house is still alive, and I'm even more sick that I don't even remember her name. But, I always said someday I'm going to go there and meet them, I'm going to contact them, one day, one day one day. And now I'm not sure if that day will come. I'm just praying for my relatives that I barely know and hoping that I will get that chance to have that meeting.

Please text YELE to 501501 to donate $5 to the relief efforts in Haiti and keep all the people of Haiti in your thoughts and prayers.

New Year

When I was younger, I was frequently told that I talked too much and I've always spoken too fast. So in general I've never been at a loss for words, but recently I have no idea what I want to say. Have you ever found yourself in the position where there are no words that can accurately describe the way you feel? I've been trying to think about a nice end of the year post, but this year has been such a blur. I have no idea how to describe it, I've been so introspective this past year. This year has really been about me. I've found myself in a position that I've never been in before and I have been reexamining pretty much every aspect of my life. But, oddly enough all of this time I've spent thinking about where I am and where I want to go, I find myself unable to clearly say what I want to say. I know that there are words out there that fit my situation, but I'm at a loss. So for this new year I pray for a new me and new opportunities.

Happy New Year All!!

If my life were a paranormal romance novel

If my life were a paranormal romance novel, instead of having these super strong defenses that keep most people at arms length; I would have mental shields that protect me from having my mind controlled. I’d be this super strong kick ass woman who protects those she loves and is actually successful at it. When someone I care for is hurt I’d be able to use my super powers and get vengeance, and everyone would know not to mess with the people I care for. If my life was a paranormal romance novel, at the end of the book. I’d get the girl and the bad guys would lose. But, my life isn’t a paranormal romance novel and sometimes, more often than not, the bad guys win and I can’t protect those I love.

Bad Videos

So I currently have no job, but it looks like that might possibly be changing (I have an interview on Wednesday!) So I stay up late and I watch a lot of vh1 soul, and on this one night I happened to catch this episode of soul school where they played only old videos and can I say WOW there were some pretty bad videos. Here's a sampling

Let's start out with Sheena Easton "The Lover in me"

She already can't dance, but she also has the weirdest expression throughout the whole video which I can only guess is the sexy face. Oh you can't forget the random girl pour water all over herself. She's wet, you get it ::Black girl Eye roll::


Then we have the Whispers "Keep on Lovin' me"



Which is more like your dad and uncles strolling around.... I really love it lol



But the creme de la creme of bad videos has to be "Ice Cream Castles" by the Time
Not only is the video bad, but the song is just as horrible. My favorite line "You are white, I am of color" sung by the Pimp lead singer to the white girls bopping around in the background. Don't forget the white girls playing patty cake in matching outfits. I wasn't sure if this was the time or Flash and the Ebony Sparks.

Pain

So I've been thinking a lot about pain. Pain is supposed to be a warning sign. Generally if you're experiencing some sort of pain, something is wrong. However, I find that a lot of us have been conditioned to ignore these warning signs and ignore pain. But, what are the other ways that pain functions in our lives and do we all feel the same way about it. I know particularly people involved in bdsm have a different relationship with pain. So I'm opening up this to you all. How do you handle pain? What is your relationship with it. Personally I tend to fall into the category of ignoring my pain. When I'm intense emotional pain I tend to withdraw completely and when I'm in physical pain depending on the level I may snap at others but eventually the result is the same. I might tell someone when I'm in physical pain, I tend to deal with that better than emotional pain. I almost never tell anyone when I'm in emotional pain. I lock it up and then deal with it in little bits and pieces. So what about you?

Stay tuned

I have a lot I want to say, and post here. But despite how semi anonymous this space is. It still requires a level of vulnerability. I'm not ready for,but this need to share some of my writing is very strong. So don't think that I've abandoned this blog, I'm just still trying to find that balance. So stay tuned...

Book review

I didn't forget about you all or this lovely blog. Things have been crazy in my life and I'm trying to get them all figured out. I have a lot I want to blog about, especially my DC trip, but this past weekend I read to books with Black lesbian main characters and I figured what the hell I might as well review them for you all so here we go. Since you're supposed to give stars and shit when you review something I'm going to give stars(or asterisks since I don't know how to get stars on my Blog) and its out of a possible five.

The first book I read was Manjani by Freedom Speaks Diaspora. ***1/2

Coming from a Black Studies background, I really wanted to read it because it was about a Black Lesbian fighting for the revolution. So I dove in head first anxious to read about a politically aware Black Lesbian, and I have to say overall I really liked it. The story is about the coming of age of a young Black Lesbian named Manjani, now I mention that she's a lesbian, because that's what attracted me to the book in the first place however, she doesn't come out until towards the end of the book. But, sexuality is definitely an issue that is dealt with throughout the whole book. The book really speaks to how gender and sexuality fit into a Black Nationalist paradigm. I have to be honest, that when I struggled with the book a large part of it was because of the heavy Black Nationalist perspective that Manjani was a part of. My own vision of what true liberation means for us as a people and it's not exclusive to the Black community, and therefore not in line with Black Nationalism. However, that's another post for another time. Back to the story, the book carries you through the emotional, spiritual and even physical journey of Manjani as she deals with a family crisis, and tries to live out her socio-political ideals. The story is filled with tons of quintessential Black Nationalist rhetoric that is both refreshing, and entertaining. I was often annoyed by Manjani's attitude, but also loved how she dealt with the "well meaning" White racists she encounters. It highlights a lot of the short comings in Black Nationalist organizations and what happens when your idealic view of the Black community is confronted with the reality of human nature. All in all it was a good read, I felt like the book dragged through her transformation and she went really unchanged for a large portion of the book and then all of a sudden her eyes are open.

This might be due in part to the spiritual journey she is also on throughout the book. I have to be honest I find that part of the book the most riveting and exciting, but also confusing. You are thrust into her world which is completely like ours except that she sees things in the spiritual realm that most people don't. It is such an ingrained part of her life that the author doesn't really give full explanation of. In the beginning she talks a lot about second sight and her journey, but you're not sure if she's speaking literally or metaphorically. I found myself frustrated at times, but ultimately I was rooting for her and eager to see where her journey would take her. I wished that the author would have included more of a lesbian community, rather than just references to other Queer people, but her sexuality really wasn't the focus of this book. It isn't a coming out novel, but rather a coming of age novel and I appreciate the boldness that Manjani possesses and the novel as a whole.

The next book I read was She Slipped and Fell by Shonda. **1/2
I came across this book the same way I did Manjani through Sistah's on the Shelf; really the only resource out there for Black Lesbian fiction. She slipped and fell seemed like it would be a departure from much of the Black Lesbian hood lit that's out there. Which, if you like it then more power to you, I just prefer something different. Anyway, I've had this book for a few months and hadn't gotten around to it until today. I tried to start it a couple of weeks ago, but was turned off by the very first scene where one of the characters is taking a shit. I'm sorry that just grossed me out too much. That may just be my issue, but it definitely made me pause.

She slipped and fell is in short about two friends who fall in love, and try to figure out how to love each other openly. I have to be completely honest and say I absolutely did not like this book for at least the first half of it. I felt like the author was slipping into a lot of the same tired descriptions and notions of beauty concerning the characters. *side rant* I'm so sick and tired of authors having to make one of the characters have light eyes, skin or hair in order to make them extra special and beautiful. My family is filled with people of varying shades of hair, skin and eyes and it adds to their beauty in the same way that anyone else's hair, skin and eyes do. It doesn't make them extra special, and they shouldn't be exoticized because of it! Ok rant over. Back to the story the two main characters Tina and Kendall were refreshing in that they were middle class Black girls, not extra rich and not struggling through the drug game. They were both good students with goals and little to stand in their way. They fall in love and that predictable throws their worlds for a loop, but for me the most interesting part of the book was seeing who they became as adults and how they handled the decisions the made and the tragedies they were dealt. It was a nice coming out story in that you got to see the whole spectrum of coming out, acceptance of self, acceptance by your family and also dealing with being openly gay in the world. I was troubled with the book in that I felt like the author invalidated butch identity, by inferring that because the two main characters were both femme, they were some how not like those Lesbians, and she also played into a lot of the stereotypes surrounding Butch women.

Their emotional maturity that they showed towards the end of the book made the beginning more bearable and even worth it. I found myself going aww at the end instead of throwing the book. I definitely recommend reading it; however don't expect any profound revelations or your world to be changed. It is a nice book to just sit, read and maybe even commune with a story that may or may not have resonated with your own coming out story.

Freaks and masks

So while I was writing a post about the march and my first day in DC I get a call from my friend from high school calls me, and we agree to meet up at a local bar and catch up. I haven't seen her in a good 6 years. Realizing that we're about to meet up, I realize shit I'm going to have to come out to her. I haven't had to come out to anyone in a while, and I still get nervous. So it was nice, I rambled and we reminisced and talked about where we are now. Afterward it got me thinking, because I put up my mask, I talked about my life as if I was completely comfortable and secure about everything, but clearly I'm not. So I talked, I listened, we hugged and made plans to get together during thanksgiving.

But, later when I was walking back to my hotel, all of these thoughts came to my mind, about where I'm at in my life. Where I wanna be, how I'm sick of being single, sick of being a virgin. I was thinking about how much I've changed since High School, and I still feel insecure about it all. I still feel like a freak 90% of the time. So I get back to my hotel and I start to look at my books that I bought, and I stopped at Lambda Rising and bought the 2nd edition of Does Your Mama Know? Which when I was first coming out was my life saver. I clung to it like it was the last bit of air on earth. So I was looking at some of the new stories and I stopped at Olive Demetrius', and you all know I love me some UPeople lol. And I identified so much with her story I felt so much better, instantly. It was the same feeling that I got when I was in KY watching UPeople, or reading the first edition of the book. Even though I've come a long way, there are still times where I fear that my world is going to come crashing down, because I'm gay, where I fear for everythiing and I think that I'm truly a freak because, no one else seems to have the same issues that I'm having. That's why these stories are so important because even though you can be surrounded by a million people you can still be lonely, and these stories help me feel a little less lonely.

We Wear the Mask

WE wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

Let's connect!

I've been thinking a lot lately about meeting one on one and having physical interaction with each other. It's so easy not to do this day and age, because we have so many other mediums of communicating. Hell, we text more than we talk now a days. So this really came up last weekend when I was talking with a friend about the importance of marching and why I'm marching in this national equality march. I was thinking that it's important to be known as more than a signiture or an ip address or a screen name.

Our lives and experiences are real and important and making connections with one another in real life can't compare to the best of online conversations. Oddly enough Bruce Willis' new movie surrogates reminded me of that. It got me thinking would I want some robot out there living my life for me? The answer is a clear no there is just something about being out there and living life for real that can't be beat. Especially when it comes to activism its important for us to have an online pressence as well as a physical one. So this weekend I'll be in DC marching for equality, cold and all. So if you're gonna be there too and want to meet up let me know, because I'm heading down there by myself. I'll see you there.

My greatest addiction

My name is Journey Woman and I'm a book addict.


The before... which is not even all of my books.



The After

bookshelf 1


Bookshelf 2

Pursuing my dreams

So its very hard to have a dream and actually confess it out loud, because once you give voice to your dream I believe the Universe sits and waits to see what you'll do with it. And this, is where I am now. I have confessed to my two closest friends my revelation of what I ultimately want to do with my life, and now I bring it here. I find I need to say it a few times for it really to sink in. I started off saying in my head. If I could do anything in the world, I would be a writer. Then to my friends I said "I want to be a professional writer". And, now I'm saying I am going to be a writer. That last time was hard, because its true I've moved from the wishing and hoping stage to the open declaration stage and its FUCKING scary. Because the truth of the matter is that I am terrified that I am going to fail, that I'm not good enough. My main concern is my grammar which sucks, as you can tell her. Even though I make no effort to be grammatically correct here. When I start writing something for this blog, I just let my fingers flow over the keyboard and whatever comes out, comes out. I do not proofread because ultimately I probably wouldn't publish anything I write. Anyway back to what I was saying I am going to be a writer. I'm speaking it into being and actually taking steps towards my goal. I'm currently working on several things, that up until now I have been afraid to do. I'm currently working on a novel and a short story. These are some ideas that I have had for a long time, and now I'm ready to commit to them, commit to myself and commit to working to make sure that I'm happy.

I'm nervous for several reasons, the main one is that I've never had any type of training, I've never even taken a creative writing class. I feel almost like a fraud an imposter trying to enter into a circle where people have worked long and hard for years and hear I am saying yes I want to be one of you. But, I realized that I feel better when I write. Even now this free flow of ideas and thoughts feels good, it releases some of the pressure from all the other bull shit I have deal with every day. Tonight I've been feeling very creative and in the zone. I got 3 pages out on my novel and more that were just random notes. So hear goes nothing I'm throwing my hat into the ring let's see how this all turns out.

silent

When I first saw her face I was silent, I said nothing, didn’t acknowledge it or the pain that was growing in my chest every second I saw that ugly bruise on her face. I didn’t say anything because I wanted to save her from having to come up with another lie or excuse, because we all know what happened. So what would the purpose be of making her lie about something we all know the truth about. I said nothing, because there is nothing left to be said that hasn’t already been said. We’ve said it, all of us. We’ve told her she doesn’t deserve to be beaten like this. We’ve told her how wonderful and beautiful she is, but it doesn’t matter to her because every man in her life has hit her and abused her.

So I said nothing, swallowed the bile that was rising smiled, called her by he nickname and watched her walk out the door back to him. I watch her sit proudly next to him as if half of her beautiful face wasn’t marred with bruises. As if she wasn’t hiding two knife cuts underneath her clothes. She told her daughter she fought for the first 2 rounds but not the last one, because she took a hard hit. As I hear her daughter re tell this story I can’t help but wonder if she’ll leave him before that final too hard hit comes. But, I’m silent, because I’m helpless in this situation. I can’t make her see the beauty we all see, I can’t make her realize he’s scum and isn’t worthy of him. I can’t’ make her tell the truth to the police instead of lie to cover up for him. I can't make her see that if she doesn't leave him he'll kill her before AIDS will. So I’m silent and its killing me, watching him slowly kill her.

Internet intimacy

In this technological age, we definitely have disconnected from more one on one contact. I’ve found such a great amazing community both in person and online, even though I would have to say my online community is larger than my in person one. None the less there are people I can go to and who I have many things in common with. However, I often find myself obsessively checking, my email, facebook and twitter just praying, wishing, hoping that someone anyone would reach out and try to connect with me. Talk with me show me some type of love, because that’s what we’re all seeking in relationships right? So instead of walking up to someone and putting your arms around them and saying I really just need a hug and need to feel connected to someone. Some of us update our statuses praying that someone comments, take quizzes, post notes, update our blogs, because hey real up close and personal intimacy is hard but putting up an Audre Lorde quote on facebook is easy.

life

Dear Life,
You suck sometimes.

Sincerely,
Journey Woman