I'm letting go

I've been going back and forth on what my 100th post would be, there's been so much going on, but today I had dinner with my former best friend from High School, and as I sat there I realized that I was confident in who I am. But more than anything this recent trip home has allowed me to let a lot of things go. I've had a chance to say my final goodbye to my undergraduate institution. I went to graduation, and that's really it. I don't foresee me going back there anytime soon. So its time to let go, but I'm also letting go of my home. My mom's home, I'm letting go, this is no longer my home. My mom has moved her Fiancée in, and everything is just different. My home is wherever I create it to be, and my mother's house is not it. So I'm finally letting go of the notion that her house is where I belong, and with that I'm no longer going to stress myself out about it. When I leave this home tomorrow, I'm leaving all the trauma that I endured here right here. I'm not carrying that with me anymore. I'm looking out for me from now on. I'm leaving the person that lived in this town here, and when I do come back and visit, I'm not picking her back up. It's really a time to let go I've come to realize. When I go back to the south I'm going to start looking for a new apartment, and that's going to be my home. I'm just realizing its time to grow up, move on, let go and be free.

There are interlopers in my house!!

There are interlopers in my house and I don't know what to do. I literally just arrived home home, to find the man my mom rented my room out to, and her fiancee. My house that was once a completely female environment now has men. I can't help but be hesitant because the last few men the broke in to our sanctum forever changed it for the worst. Now after 4 months my mom says that she's in love and ready to get married, and I want to be happy for her I really do, but I can't help but be weary. I don't want her to be hurt again, but there's nothing I can do now. She has made her choice, she chose this man, and I hope it all works out. My childhood was far from perfect, it was filled with a perpetual state of chaos but in between the drama and the trauma were some really good times. I loved living in a completely female centered house, but now that has all changed and even though I no longer live at home, when I come home I still want that there. sigh I hope it all works out

Music time

Music time!!!

So I'm really not a rock fan, I actually abhor 99% of the rock that I hear, but I really like this song



I was just recently introduced to Nina Simone and WOW I'm in love she's great!!

I listen to this song a million times in a row

I'm not a big fan of this video, especially since learning of its origin. It's from the play the Roar of the Greasepaint-the Smell of the crowd. When this song is sung, its sung by a former slave, and she's singing about her new life in freedom. This video really doesn't really convey that message...regardless the song is still amazing!!


and how can you not love a song called young gifted and Black

pretty self explanatory

Choice

So I've been thinking about a couple of things, mainly the subject of choice. Not choice as we think in terms of reproduction but rather choice as it applies to our sexuality. I was reading this book This is what a Lesbian looks like and it is actually pretty good, from what I've read so far. And one author touched briefly on the idea of choice in the LGBT community. She only mentioned it in a footnote but the notion really caught my attention. She said

"I'm purposely using the term preference. While many people may have a sexual orientation, many others- straight and queer - may not. The sexual liberation movement did not always use the term orientation, and I believe its coinage was part of the strategy that moved us into a civil rights framework, the idea being that if we fuck others of the same sex because we are more deserving of civil rights. Choice has been completely discounted. In my opinion, the orientation argument seems to be little more than Don't be mean to us poor homosexuals. We can't help it. It is important to also argue for the right of an individual to choose homosexuality if that makes sense to them. I chose to be a dyke (because I love women and honestly, the sex is better), and it's the best decision I ever made!"
Karen Bullock-Jordan, "Girls just want to have fun" in This is what a Lesbian looks like Ithaca, NY :Firebrand Books (1999)

This is something that I never ever thought about, I really liked a lot of what she said in this article, because it caused me to question a lot of my assumptions about sex. Just her notion about sexual preference opened my eyes, and really exposed how much I'm still struggling with my own sexuality (not like I needed much reminding). I'm still in the stage of not complete acceptance, I talk a good game and can put on airs, but deep down I'm still very scared and insecure, and I often feel very alone. Unfortunately you're not allowed to say this to hetero people, because if you say that then they immediately try and work in the idea that you can pray this out of you. I can't convey to them, how even though I'm insecure I'm still very secure. I know that I am a lesbian, I know that! I'm not confused about that, but with that knowledge comes great debate, confusion and a fight for acceptance. So I definitely feel like I'm one of the people that Karen Bullock-Jordan was criticizing with the attitude, of don't be mean I can't help it. Because coming up against such criticism with my sexuality, that’s the notion that I've been holding on to. I try to give off the perception that I'm completely at ease with my sexuality and think its great for everyone, but truth be told I believe I reject the notion of preference, because in my mind if its a choice you have to make another one. I don't think that I'll always feel like this, but this is still very new to me and this is where I'm at right now.

But why can't there be sexual preference? Why can't people choose to not fall in line with heterosexual norms? What harm are we doing in denying the presence of choice?

I think it’s the silence surrounding this issue and the internalized heterosexism that has allowed for this conversation to be pushed to the back burner. I don't know about every one else, but I know that's my reason. I think oppressed people are reluctant to admit to how much of "the system" they have bought in to, and continues to be apart of us. We can talk in the past tense, but not the present. Last night I went out with a bunch of people from my program and this one guy who is very "conscious" told me that he has never dated brown or dark skin women, but rather all of his exes are light skinned with long hair and little curves. He admitted, only while drunk, that he has not broken with the Eurocentric standards that he was raised with. Why is that such a hard thing to admit? As oppressed people we are denied the right to be complete humans, we are typically seen as one dimensional people, and we replicate that standard within our communities. We only want to see the confident people, and oddly enough within the LGBT community while we claim that we are trying to encourage an out and truthful life, I feel like this has led to more silence and lies. Karen Bullock-Jordan in her essay was speaking to the desexualization of homosexuality; she really saw sex in a different way than many people I have encountered. I really appreciated her article because she really truly challenged heterosexism, and in doing so she made me see the true harm it caused. There is the idea that a woman is not a lesbian if she has ever had a relationship with a man that she enjoyed, I'm thinking specifically about Sheryl Swoopes, I remember hearing talk about how she was really bi because when she was with her ex husband she truly loved him and enjoyed the sex. We have such limiting notions of sex and sexuality, that we become really judgmental.

I like the title of the book , This is what a lesbian looks like, because it really speaks to the lack of variation that we see when we think of a Queer person. I have become obsessed with anything having to deal with coming out, for obvious reasons, but a large amount of what I see everyone always says they've known since they were in the womb or something to that effect. It's not hard to wonder why that is so prevalent, when you look at Oprah, and when she interviewed Terry McMillan's ex husband she refused to accept that he wasn't sure of his sexuality until later in life. She made it seem as if it were an impossibility.

As my professor would say, so what? and that's what I'm looking to an answer for, I don't know where to go from here or how to further engage this notion, but I'm open to any comments and suggestions. What do we do with the notion of choice?

randomness

The year is done, grades are in and I've got straight A's for the first time in my entire life!! I'm a little excited, I did a dance, but now my life seems empty lol. I have no work to not do. I actually do have work to do but its not pressing. I don't have class, I have no focus. Anyways searching the web I came across a few pics I need to share


First how hot is Rose Rollins..... Why won't she marry me?
And second I told you all that latinas could rock the low almost bald look and look hot

No more pencils
No more Books
No more teachers dirty looks!!!!

My mom used to say that every year when it was the end of school. And now I sing it with glee, because I'm DONE with my first year of GRAD SCHOOL!!!
WOO HOOO!!!!!!!

Another dimension of love

I read this poem at this poetry thing I went to today and sort of freaked everyone out, I think. I thought it was beautiful and spoke to something very real. It shows that there's another dimension of love.

Untitled

By Lanuola Asiasiga

Do you know what it's like
to have to try and make love
with someone you care about
someone you really love
And in the middle of it all
you hate her
hate her to death
for reminding you
for triggering the memories
you've buried so deep

I made a terrible life choice

sigh....so true! so true!

I'M GOING TO BE A GOD MOMMY

I'M GOING TO BE A GOD MOMMY!!! Finally, since anacoana aka my bestest friend in the whole wide world. Has finally decided to post and also update the world on her little bun in the oven. I can finally say WooHoo I'm going to be a Godmom!! I'm also going to be an aunt. My sister in law is also pregnant with a little boy, and oddly enough I could have announced that a while ago, but kind of forget...oops Anyways I'm really excited. She's going to be a great mom so head over and send her some love. Oh and if you have any nickname tips let me know I'm still working on it.

There's something about bald women

I don't know what but there's something about bald women of color particularly, they are just some of the sexiest women I've ever seen. They exude confidence, you just have to be so self confident to cut off all of your hair. a rare treat for you all an actual picture of me


okay you can't see my face but that's my hair, I've had locs for going on 4 years now, and I love my hair I can't even imagine cutting it off. But I wish I had the confidence to do so. Its not only bald women, but women with really low cuts you have to have this confidence this surity in yourself to just rock your hair low. These women are going against the grain in so many ways, saying yes I do have really short hair and I'm still sexy, I'm still a woman. This is what the world needs more of. So here's a little tribute to them all I'm also including the woman who inspired me to post this pic, I found her poem through Tigera Consciente

I'm sick and tired of arrogant narcissistic professors!!
I'm tired of Grad School,
I'm tired of stressing myself out for what? I don't know.
I'm tired of it all!!!

FUCK GRAD SCHOOL
FUCK ACADEMIA
JUST FUCK IT ALL!!!!

This is why I love Brownfemipower

a few reasons why BFP makes my heart smile

reason #1

reason #2

reason #3

reason #4

There are so many more...but I just felt the need to highlight these few. So this goes out to Brownfemipower keep on the fight!

I'm not angry I'm anger!!!

I have 2 drafts of posts, but my brain is working well enough to finish them so instead enjoy this...

I love Black Lesbians!!

I actually love all lesbians, but today my love for Black Lesbians has grown even more than I thought it could. The community that I felt at the conference the other week was great, and I've yearned for that sense of community again. Today there was a mini conference put on by my supervisor for Black women. I presented this morning on Body politics, and really wanted to leave after because I haven't felt well but I heard this woman was going to present, and she is very active in the queer community here. She's a beautiful Black lesbian who is very outspoken.

So I went to her panel on Spiritual Abuse and I was so moved. She spoke to so many of the feelings that I have felt about my spiritual life and walk. I really felt at ease and thought then that I was in love with her and she couldn't be more on point. Then the panel on sexuality came up and she opened with I'm going to talk about what its like being a out Black lesbian, and how I'm tired of you all being afraid of me." She also said that it was Black women who have hurt her the most with rejection. As she spoke, she spoke more and more to every single feeling that I've had since coming out. She spoke to my fear of outing myself in front of Black women, my fear of no longer belonging in the Black female community. I connected to her so much from across the room.

Every time I speak to another Black lesbian, and am reminded that I'm not alone I feel so warm and comfortable, because it’s a reminder I frequently need. This is why it is so important for us to be out and open about our lives and struggles, because you never know who is listening. Her talking about her experiences and being open and honest and it touched me so much. I felt so encouraged and inspired by hearing her speak. She spoke to my experience so far, it was like she was reading my mind. This just further reinforced to me the importance of community, of being not only out but proud. I'm not there yet I'm still working on it, but meeting women like her give me hope and something to aim for.

I'M 23!!!

Today's my birthday...it kind of sucks because I have a lot of work to do and I can't be with the people I would like to be with today....but anyways YAY for me its MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

Ms. Ramirez sings

For Laura Luna ... She can't sing better than J Hud but she does a damn good job ;)

random

HOT OFF

and

Amy Winehouse!!!!

Community

So I know I said that I was done and therefore back before but this week has been absolutely crazy and exciting. First my friends came to visit and it was great to see them and show them the new me. I do think that they had some issues adjusting to the new me, the me I'm still learning about, but it was good.

Then as I told you all before I won 3rd place in an essay contest for this Black Studies Conference. In winning I had to briefly tell the whole conference about my paper at a luncheon. I also presented on the same paper at a Panel, my paper was on Black Lesbian Identity. I was so nervous but in the end it was great! This one woman who had come to my school to present on her dissertation earlier this month was there and she sat in the front row. I admire her work so much and was so nervous about how she would react, and she was completely supportive. She sat in the front row and just nodded the whole entire time, and that really set the tone for the whole weekend. I was nervous because this tends to be a very Afrocentric conference, not afrocentric in the way that most people think, but grounded in the theory of Afrocentricity. Homophobia is not embedded within this theory but there is a tendency for Afrocentrists to be homophobic, and view homosexuality as a white disease. So I was really shocked when I won 3rd in the essay contest. But while there I met some amazing Black lesbians who were completely supportive and genuinely proud of me. I found my community, I felt comfortable and safe around them. I got to go out to dinner with a bunch of wonderful Black Feminists/Womanists and it was completely empowering and encouraging. After that I felt like we could start the revolution right then and there.

After I gave my panel presentation this one woman comes up to me and says "thank you for doing this research". The support that I got from the woman I met this weekend was so wonderful and encouraging that I was overwhelmed. I wanted to bring them all home with me so this support could never end. This was one of the first times since I came out that I didn't feel completely alone. I was completely overwhelmed with the out pouring of Love and support from everyone I met there. My essay may even be published!! This weekend gave me even more motivation to continue on in focusing on Black Lesbians, it gave me hope that there is a community out there for me, it gave me strength.

J Hud! J Hud J HUD!!!!!!

Oh Jennifer Hudson! How I love thee