Choices and Waiting

In May I had to have surgery to remove the fibroids that had taken over my uterus and were fucking up my body in general. It was traumatic for many, many reasons but, I thought hey it's over. So post surgery I found out that the fibroids had made the prospect of me getting pregnant a lil more complicated then it would already have been (you know needing to get inseminated and all). I also was more likely to need a c-section having already had my uterus cut up. This all led me to the decision that I would most likely not get pregnant, I've always wanted to adopt anyway and my partner could always carry if we were so inclined. I was fairly settled on this decision but not 100%, but I'm young I have time to figure it all out, once I was a little further away from the trauma of my surgery.

When I went to my 4 week check up my doctor said that my fibroids were a typical but not cancerous so in 4 months he wanted me to have another ultra sound and see him again. I was semi worried but not too bad. Now, here it is 4 months later and I find out that I have more fibroids, they told me they removed all of my previous fibroids so it's safe to assume these are new. Now I'm in full panic mode, what does this mean? Will I have to get a hysterectomy? What's wrong with my body? So now I'm waiting again, on monday I talk with the doctor who did my surgery and I find out what all of this means. So now I'm sitting here waiting and going over all of the possibilities in my head, and I've come to the conclusion while I may not have to have a hysterectomy any time soon I see it in my near future, and what's most striking to me is that I'll no longer even have the option of carrying a child. Like I said before I was pretty settled on not carrying a child but I wasn't 100%. But now I'm facing losing that prospect completely, and that more than anything is what's scary for me. Not having a uterus really isn't going to mess with my idea of what it means to be a woman because have an uterus doesn't make me a woman. However, the idea that I'll lose the complete prospect of creating and carrying life in my body is distressing. To top this all off, there is the very real prospect that I'm going to lose my insurance so now I may have some medical condition and no insurance... what the hell am I supposed to do with that.

So I'm sitting here waiting, contemplating choices that I may never have and trying not to let my anxiety over it all touch me too close.

Aunt Elaine

I lost my aunt Sunday, and I'm really just searching for the meaning in all of this. I have a lot more I can say but I just can't right now. I just wanted to write this down somewhere that my aunt one of the most amazing, wonderful and caring women ever to walk this earth is gone. I think everyone should know, because she was just that amazing. So here's to you Aunt Elaine, the world will be less bright now that you're gone.

So simple

So I've been thinking that I want to blog more constructively about my depression. More than just depressed type posts like the last one (which I honestly didn't realize how depressed I sounded til later). I've been talking to a few people about depression this week and in particular the one and only miss Laura Luna and it felt good to get it out and talk about it. She also sent me a link to Kate Bornstein's twitter page where she was live tweeting from a femme conference workshop on dealing with mental illness, and she was preaching let me tell you. I posted this one quote on my tumblr and I feel like I need to read it everyday. She said "If you've got a mental illness and you're still alive, you're doing well." So simple yet so profound.

So I'm going to try and blog more regularly and constructively about my depression and anxiety, and not just wade in it. So something I've been dealing with today is trying to figure out what I'm going to wear tomorrow to go to this free concert in central park. I'm going with my BFF/wife and her new boo, and I think her friend from her hometown. So basically I don't need to impress any of them lol. However, where my depression has taken me in these past 2 years is to a place where getting up and getting dressed requires a lot of energy, dedication to fight all the negative thoughts I throw at myself. When I can't make myself feel good enough to get out or just push through it , I stay home in my comfort zone.

I'm getting better about not hiding away in my room, but I still do that a lot. It's where I feel most comfortable most days. However, this is not good for me. The more I sit in one room and don't leave, the more crazy I feel. It's hard to distinguish between my normal melancholy sometimes and feeling down right crazy. The isolation really lends itself increasing my feelings of self doubt and loathing. So now I force myself to get up and get out. I'm not doing great all the time. I'm about 50/50 at this point, but it's better than only leaving the house to go to therapy. This week I went to the grocery store, the book store and a restaurant. I've got to start my walking again, which was getting me out daily. But, the point is I'm doing better. I'm getting up and doing things with people who I care about and care about me. That is healthy and positive, so when I feel more inclined to go back in my room and hide instead of getting out. I have to remind myself about how great it feels to do it. I remind myself about the other weekend and how refreshed I felt.

Dealing with depression is both simple and very complicated. The things that hold me captive aren't really complex when you get down to examining them. They're very simple, but there are many of them and they affect every area of my life, so that's what makes them complicated. So in order to fight this depression, I have to do simple things like getting out of the house and physically seeing people. So simple but it makes a big difference. So now I'm going to bed and I'm looking forward to a good day around people.

Hope for the future

• One day I will be able to have better control over my emotions.
  
• One day I will be able to express myself clearly and with eloquence.
  
• One day a bad cake and missing container won't send me over the edge.
  
• One day I'll be able to use my emotions to create rather than destroy myself.
  
• One day I'll be really and truly happy.
  

I decided to fight

So I've been in therapy for a while now. I've been trying to get a handle on my life and more importantly this depression that has been damn near crippling me for 2 years. Last thursday night I was having a really bad night. I was filled with tons of self doubt and anxiety. Oddly enough I've also had a therapy assignment to list 7 positive things about myself. One for each day in between therapy sessions, realizing how hard it was for me sort of sent me in to a tail spin of shame and anxiety.

The next day (friday ) I was supposed to go see Bassey Ikpi perform in NYC and then I was going to stay with my BFF/Wife and then go to this play. Nice full weekend, but I felt like doing none of it. I just wanted to stay at home in bed and curl up with a good book. I didn't want to move, think or be bothered with people. Especially when I was feeling so broken and raw. But, I pushed myself. I made myself get up and out of the house despite how I felt, and despite how I felt I looked. I pushed myself despite the overwhelming weight of my depression. And I'm so glad I did. I felt like Bassey was in my bedroom the night before and was witnessing my complete breakdown. It was like her poems were in my head and they touched me so deeply words can not describe. I was also feeling very exposed and anxious about being there by myself. My wife couldn't come with me because she couldn't find a babysitter. Luckily I saw the one person that I knew in real life from twitter dopegirlfresh. She's such an amazing person and so warm and friendly. That I no longer felt alone and devastated. The evening was a hit, and the next day I got to spend it with my adorable godson and my wife, it reminded me that she's my wife and best friend for a reason (not like I could forget) just those few hours in the presence of someone truly safe watching Frida was healing. After that I went out for a peanut butter and jelly doughnut and then caught the last half of Sharon Bridgforth's Blood Pudding. I left feeling better and rejuvenated.

I wanted to keep that feeling, so when all the negative shaming thoughts began to creep back in to my life. I began to change the subject in my internal monologue. I started thinking of better things or just something else to stop the pain I put myself through. And who would have guessed but it's actually been working. I don't feel completely free of what ails me, but it's better. By stopping the shame I'm able to breathe a little bit easier and I've been able to keep some those wonderful positive vibes from this weekend. I'm determined to be happy and I've decided to fight to keep myself feeling better. I've realized that all too often once that first wave of depression hits me, I've tended to lay down and give in. No more I'm going to try and fight to be happy and not struggle so much to do small things. Who knows one day it just may work. I've decided to do the work that's necessary to get better, and that's actually something that I took away from Bassey, I'm going to be committed to getting better, because I can't live like this forever.

It was after this poem that I texted my wife and said "She's trying to kill me." Yeah this poem is just..... yeah

Dinner tonight

I love to cook, and I've been posting pics of my food creations on my tumblr. I've been neglecting this blog so I decided to post some more of my recipes here as well.

Tonight I'll be attempting Indian and Indian inspired food. Ala my favorite on the next food network star Aarti Sequeira and of course my consistent favorite Giada.I love Giada, ask anyone that knows me, I talk about her like I know her.

From Giada I'll be making Citrus Rice Salad and Trinidadian Stewed chicken

From Aarti I'm trying her Baked Samosas minus the chicken.

My mom's a vegetarian so I like to have as many of the dishes be meat free as possible. I always try to have a meat too for the meat eaters, but personally I don't always need to have meat with every meal. So we'll see how this all turns out.

Journey, love, me.

I'm still on a journey, but a much different one than I thought when I started this blog. When I started I thought my journey was about learning how to live my life as a Lesbian. Now I realize that it's just a part of a greater journey to learn how to live a healthy life. A large part of that is learning how to love me, all of me. Every roll, every scar, ever bump, every neurotic habit, Everything. I am by no means there or even close to being there yet, but I'm closer than I was before. I just washed my hair, and I didn't re-twist it because it's the summer time and it doesn't stay twisted for long anyways. So I left my hair alone and now I'm sporting a serious fro. I'm trying to be ok, with my hair not looking right. I'm trying to be ok with me just as I am. I also am trying to accept and care for my body in it's current state. I have a large scar across my abdomen, I'm trying to love my scar, and the rolls it bisects. I'm trying to love my thick thighs and saggy boobs. So I'm gonna keep saying:

I love my scars, inside and out.
I love my rolls.
I love my hair, in whatever state.
I love the gap between my teeth.
I love my skin.
I love me.


I don't believe everything I just wrote, but if I keep saying it then hopefully one day. I'll be able to write/say this and it'll all be true.

blogging and life

Quarterlife Queer and Evolving Contradiction both wrote posts about blogging and their intentions in blogging. I've been in a similar place I've been trying to post over and over again, about my surgery and where I'm at. I'm very much in the same place as Evolving, I find it easier to tell strangers things here than people in my everyday life. This is my place to get it all out.

But, I just can't seem to get the words out. The surgery went fine, I'm fine, I healed and lost 15lbs. But, despite all of that it was one of the most traumatic events of my life. It just pushed a lot of my buttons and really put me in an uncomfortable place. But, beyond this I can't just describe this situation enough. Now I'm in the process of processing the whole event and the issues that it brought up in me. Today my therapist said something that I found so astonishing. She said that I don't have to live the way I am. She said that I don't have to live in a world where I'm just biding my time in between crises. She said that I don't have to be happy and then sad, that there's something else... Maybe that's the first step envisioning a life, not of fame or fortune, but of health. So I have a lot of issues and most days I'm not sure if I'm coming or going, but I'm gonna believe that eventually I'll reach this magical place that my therapist mentioned, I'll call it stability.

Surgery fun

So I just erased this long ass post about my hospital stay, and impending surgery. But it was too personal even for this blog and I just decided to scrap it all. Anyway here's an abbreviated version/update. I just found out that I have 2 very large fibroids, 1 inside my uterus and another on top of my uterus that extends all the way to my liver. Needless to say it feels great.

This is why being uninsured sucks:
1. The clinics you can afford to go to suck. I was told that I had acid reflux.... yeah not so much. The doctor didn't even order an ultra sound which is how the found my fibroids.

2. Doctors aren't really a fan of people without insurance. I was told that my surgery that was supposedly semi urgent was going to be put on hold until I got insurance coverage.

So I have a lot more thoughts and feelings about everything I'm about to go through, but I can't really formulate them for myself, so I sure as hell can't put them on here. So Tuesday at 1pm I'll be undergoing abdominal myommectomy. Prayers and positive vibes appreciated.

Scars

I have a lot of scars all over my legs. They're not as bad as they used to be, but they're still there and still very present. See I'm allergic to bug bites and after they blister they leave nice scars on my legs. Which would be annoying but not that big of a deal for most people. However, as the dermatologist told me when I was younger I have slow healing skin apparently which means mine stick around for an extra long time. It really is wonderful :side eye: Anyway the point is that I have scars all over my legs and I've always been very aware of them because people don't like to let me forget them. I remember being younger and both children and adults would ask what happened to my legs (like that's ever an appropriate question), and for some reason I would always try to explain. It's really ridiculous when you think about why I should dignify these rude motherfuckers with an answer about my skin, just because they're nosey. Why should I allow them in to my private life and explain about my skin when they really could care less about me. But, I always answered always. I would explain they were just mosquito bites, and then I'd have to deal with their continued ignorant comments about damn how many mosquitoes bit you? See because bites that were years old looked the same as bites that were only a few months.

Eventually I began to wear pants all the time, which really dealt with the issue because people could no longer see my scars so I didn't have to deal with the questions. However, I was a lifeguard so whenever I went to work I'd have to deal with the questions again, but I'd always answer and deal with the humiliation again. Fortunately eventually they did begin to lighten and they are nowhere near as bad as they used to be. But they're still there, but I no longer cover them up. I no longer hide them because I don't want to be hot and uncomfortable when it's hot. However, I’m always aware of them.

Then this New years eve as I was trying to clean up my house and get the everything in order for the new year I cut my leg on my hamper and now I have a new scar, a nice long one on my calf. I was pissed when I got it, because I know it's going to stick around for a while. Every now and then when I'm lotioning up and I look at it I get pissed again, because there it is just staring at me, mocking me and my formerly improving legs. I stare at it and I resent it and all the other scars that didn't dare heal any faster, and I'm pissed that I was making so much progress but now this one fucking scar is going to stick around. But, it'll be ok I tell myself. It's just one scar of many and it won't stop you from living your life, but it's still another scar and I'll always remember it's there. It showed up when I was trying to get my life together and now I'm stuck with it.

I don't really know why I decided to share the story of my scars, but I guess I'm trying to move from being scarred to having scars.

Window seat

I love Erykah Badu's Window seat. The video is cool, but I think the song is so much more than the video of her gettin' butt naked in Dallas. I feel this song so deeply it's ridiculous. That's why I didn't post the video, it's better to not get distracted by the video. So listen and read a long with the words. Amazing!




Window Seat - Erykah Badu
So, presently i’m standing
Here right now
You’re so demanding
Tell me what u want from me
Concluding
Concentrating on my music , lover , and my babies
Makes me wanna ask the lady for a ticket outta town…
So can I get a window seat
Don’t want nobody next to me
I just want a ticket outta town
A look around
And a safe touch down
Window seat
Don’t want nobody next to me
I just want a chance to fly
A chance to cry
And a long bye bye..
But I need u to want me
Need you to miss me
I need your attention
I need you next me
I need someone to clap for me
I need your direction
Somebody say come back
Come back baby come back
I want u to need me
Come back come back baby come back
Come back come back baby come back
Come back come back baby come back
So, in my mind i’m tusslin’
Back and forth ‘tween here and hustlin’
I don’t wanna time travel no mo
I wanna be here
I’m thinking
On this porch i’m rockin’
Back and forth light lightning hopkins
If anybody speak to scotty
Tell him beam me up..
So can I get a window seat
Don’t want nobody next to me
I just want a ticket outta town
A look around
And a safe touch down
Window seat
Don’t want nobody next to me
I just want a chance to fly
A chance to cry
And a long bye bye..
But I need you to miss me
Need somebody come get me
Need your attention
Need your energy yes I do
Need someone to clap for me
Need your affection
Somebody say come back
Come back baby come back
I want u to need me
Come back come back baby come back
Come back come back baby come back
Come back come back baby come back
But can I get a window seat
Don’t want nobody next to me
I just want a ticket outta town
A look around
And a safe touch down…
I just need a chance to fly
A chance to cry
And a long
Bye bye..

Helloooooo 26

As I write this I'm 30 mins away from 26. I was looking over my old posts, to see my bday post from last year and I didn't even post. I was currently deep in a funk. Trying my hardest not to completely fall apart. Well here I am at 26 and things are getting better. I just got back from an amazing weekend with 2 of my favorite people in the world. I was able to be surrounded by truly genuine people who radiated positivity and I'm better for it. So this year, I'm determined to make changes. I'm really going to work on pulling myself out of this hole I've dug, I'm no longer just going to consider climbing out, I'm going to put in the work.

My birthday doesn't really feel special this year, it just seems like another day, nothing for me to be excited. I'm not gonna lie part of this is due to a wave of depression I'm currently fighting, but I'm trying to look beyond myself and my current situation. So I'm not 100% better, but I'm on the mend. I'm feeling better about my life and the decision I've made. I'm not where I want to be, and I'm not yet at the point to say that I'm happy that I am who I am here, but I've done what I have needed to in order to remain relatively sane. So this is how I'm entering 26, fighting off a wave of depression I feel creeping, but I'm still hopeful and positive about where I'm going to go from here. So welcome 26 I'm sure it's going to be a hell of a ride.

This path

So last night despite feeling great most of the day, I started to feel a little down, so I pulled out some books, I needed something to make me feel better, so I grabbed a couple of Audre Lorde books, but I was having a hard time concentrating. As I was scrambling to find something to hang on to, to make it through this dark spot. I started thinking that I needed healing words. I wrote it down in my journal. I wrote I need healing words, from strong women who have been through it all so I can know that I can make it. After writing I started to feel a little bit better, and then as I was skimming through the Audre's Cancer Journals and I come to this article that was written exactly 5 years before I was born. On March 30, 1979 she wrote about her mastectomy and her fear that she'd never regain the pleasure that she got from that right breast that was removed. She wrote :

"... That sense has completely passed away, as I have come to realize that that well of feeling was within me. I alone own my feelings. I can never lose that feeling because I own it, because it comes out of myself. I can attach it anywhere I want to, because my feelings are apart of me, my sorrow and my joy.
I would never have chosen this path, but I am very glad to be who I am, here."
~Audre Lorde

I love that whole passage but especially that last part where she says I would never have chosen this path, but I am very glad to be who I am, here. How amazingly strong and self assured. Even through a horrible trying time, she was able to see through it all and cling on to her own sense of self. Beneath all of her pain, there was a deep love and acceptance of herself and every aspect of her. That's amazing, I know it's something I don't have yet, but hopefully I will be there one day. I'm beginning to realize that there is no sense in bemoaning where I'm at in my life or the many paths my life has taken me down, because beneath it all. I've always been me, and I need to learn to connect to myself more and not be side tracked by everything else, even my own feelings because they don't control me, I control my feelings.

Sigh I just love her, and I'm grateful for the revelations that came to me last night, hopefully someone out there will be similarly blessed.

Even a little is still better

These past 2 years have been really really rough on me. I've been in one of the deepest depressions of my life, but thankfully I can say even though it's been rough, it hasn't been the worst. Anyway today I realized that I'm feel a little bit better. I'm not 100% yet, but I feel myself creeping out of my hole. I've noticed more bright days than dark so I'm feeling optimistic. Gnarls Barkley has a song that actually describes where I'm at perfectly.

My favorite line of the entire song is "even a little is still better". This song is just perfect right now. Enjoy and here are the rest of the lyrics

"A Little Better"

[Cee-Lo]
Now I can sing you the storyline
And if you like my story fine
But ain't none of the glory mine
See my life was a lonely one
And I was still momma's only son
With no idea what I'm gon' become
And I didn't have long to know
That you don't have to be grown to go
I could have died so long befo'
Then I finally saw the sign
And I made it on down the line
One step at a time

[Chorus]
I feel better!
I can smile at it now, I feel better
Ohhhh, better!
And even a little is still better
Oh, have mercy on me

[Cee-Lo]
Ohhh it's probably plain to see
That I got a whole lot of pain in me
And it will always remain in me
So cold, it's a cryin shame
Yet here I am, tryin again
Cause I refuse to die in vain
The circumstances put soul in me
And there ain't no holdin me
I've got a heart made of gold in me
Hah, can you believe this is where I've been?
And when adversity comes again
I'll deal with it then

[Chorus]
I feel better!
I can laugh at it now, I feel better, heh heh
Ohhhh, better!
And even a little is still better
Oh, have mercy on me-heeeeeeee

[Cee-Lo]
Ah-ahhh-hahhh-ah yeahhh
Mmmmmmmmmm, ohhhhhhh-oh-ohhhh!

I said everything's fine, you can take your time
What would be on your mind, if you knew you was dyin
I would wanna just feel this ah-one more time
I said everything's fine, take yo' time
What would be on your mind, if you knew you was dyin
I would wanna just feel this ah-one more time
I wanna thank you morning sun
I wanna thank you lowly dirt
Now I know I'm not the only one
I, I wanna thank you friendly ghost
When all the calls were close
It seems like you cared the most
I, I wanna thank you Mom and Dad
For hurtin me so bad
But you're the best I ever had
I, I wanna thank you... [fades]

Questions on my mind

Random late night questions:
It's damn near 1:30am and these are some of the questions keeping me up right now. I just figured if I got them out of my system maybe the answers would become clear.

• How do you feel safe doing everyday average things, when that safety has been violated?
• Do you ever feel safe letting someone you care about out of your sight after they've been hurt?
  
• When you feel pain so deeply because of someone else's trauma how do you keep it inside so you don't pull them back down with you?
• Is it ever going to be safe to be a woman in this world?

76 years ago today Audre Lorde was born.


I have a lot of deep feelings about her and I definitely feel like we're connected on some level even though she passed when I was only 8 years old. But, I just want to take some time and just honor her, for living her life bravely.

Happy Birthday Audre!

Back to church?

I've been thinking a lot about the path I've taken in my life. Specifically the people that I have cut out of my life. I tend to do that, a lot. But, recently I've been thinking about the people who were connected to my more conservative evangelical days. After coming out, I cut myself off from that part of my life and most everyone who was a part of it. I needed to be far away from the old me, the me who felt caged in a life that was a times fulfilling, but ultimately left me wanting. So I not only left the church, but I also left a lot of the people associated with it. Now I'm not going to lie, some of those people I needed to let go. They were no good for me on any level and I tolerated a lot of their behavior because it was the "Christian" thing to do, but in the past couple of weeks I've been dreaming about them, and I've also had the urge to go back to Church. But, I can never go back to the kind of church that I went to before, because I'm 100% sure that I will not be accepted. So in order to go back I have to find a new church a completely different type of church. However, that's not what I really want. I want to be able to fully integrate the old and new me, but two things that are diametrically opposed can't live in harmony... Can they?

How do you go on when you've turned your back on everything you were taught to believe? The more I think about it, it's not so much the people I miss even though my heart aches for some of them. But, it's more about the feeling I had in church and I don't think I can get that back. Because despite what I've been told since from people I respect. Everything I was taught tells me that I can't go back without changing parts of me that just can't change.

Haiti my forgotten homeland

My heart has been breaking as I read more and more of the news coming out of Haiti. I am half Haitian. My father and all of my aunts except one were born in Haiti. Now my father is a sporadic visitor in my life. So I don't know very much about that side of me. But, I do know that my grandmother who I am in contact with still calls and sends money and supplies to our relatives there. Today a 7.0 magnitude earthquake hit 10 miles from Port-Au-Prince where my family lives. I'm sitting here wondering if the little girl whose picture I saw at my grandmother's house is still alive, and I'm even more sick that I don't even remember her name. But, I always said someday I'm going to go there and meet them, I'm going to contact them, one day, one day one day. And now I'm not sure if that day will come. I'm just praying for my relatives that I barely know and hoping that I will get that chance to have that meeting.

Please text YELE to 501501 to donate $5 to the relief efforts in Haiti and keep all the people of Haiti in your thoughts and prayers.