Saturday, October 16, 2010

Choices and Waiting

In May I had to have surgery to remove the fibroids that had taken over my uterus and were fucking up my body in general. It was traumatic for many, many reasons but, I thought hey it's over. So post surgery I found out that the fibroids had made the prospect of me getting pregnant a lil more complicated then it would already have been (you know needing to get inseminated and all). I also was more likely to need a c-section having already had my uterus cut up. This all led me to the decision that I would most likely not get pregnant, I've always wanted to adopt anyway and my partner could always carry if we were so inclined. I was fairly settled on this decision but not 100%, but I'm young I have time to figure it all out, once I was a little further away from the trauma of my surgery.

When I went to my 4 week check up my doctor said that my fibroids were a typical but not cancerous so in 4 months he wanted me to have another ultra sound and see him again. I was semi worried but not too bad. Now, here it is 4 months later and I find out that I have more fibroids, they told me they removed all of my previous fibroids so it's safe to assume these are new. Now I'm in full panic mode, what does this mean? Will I have to get a hysterectomy? What's wrong with my body? So now I'm waiting again, on monday I talk with the doctor who did my surgery and I find out what all of this means. So now I'm sitting here waiting and going over all of the possibilities in my head, and I've come to the conclusion while I may not have to have a hysterectomy any time soon I see it in my near future, and what's most striking to me is that I'll no longer even have the option of carrying a child. Like I said before I was pretty settled on not carrying a child but I wasn't 100%. But now I'm facing losing that prospect completely, and that more than anything is what's scary for me. Not having a uterus really isn't going to mess with my idea of what it means to be a woman because have an uterus doesn't make me a woman. However, the idea that I'll lose the complete prospect of creating and carrying life in my body is distressing. To top this all off, there is the very real prospect that I'm going to lose my insurance so now I may have some medical condition and no insurance... what the hell am I supposed to do with that.

So I'm sitting here waiting, contemplating choices that I may never have and trying not to let my anxiety over it all touch me too close.

3 comments:

nehanda said...

this is kismet. i have your blog on my list of blogs, though, i hardly have had energy to read, let alone blog. and voila, today, of all the days, i decide to check your blog and what do i see, fibroids AND depression. girl, this is wonderful. im on month two dealing with the fibroids, figuring of how to nurse my cunt, soothe the back pain while maintain a sunny disposition. lol. how are you sis? have you figured out what to do? im going to wait until the next year. insurance kicks in, i dont know how i will afford it because im still going to pay out of pocket. ive also got to figure out logistics, after care, work, time off. my partner lives on the other side of the coast. im trying to keep shit together, but girl, this shit is hard like a .. lol anyways, im sending you much, much love. i used to keep a blog over at mbuyanehanda.blogspot.com & aburstoflight.wordpress.com send me an email on the wordpress.com account. sending you tons and tons of love.
remember love.

sugar sista said...

peace,

if you're open to natural healing, check out the folks at yew360.com. many fibroid conditions--even recurring ones--can be greatly helped via natural means.

if you do have to go through the surgery, you can get some good information on how to heal afterward.

all blessings for health & healing,

o.

Anonymous said...

I, read your blog from all the way in london!! i must say it has been a blessing for me to stumble across. as i am in the process of dealing with many of the things you are talking about in your blog. That is why i hope you come back and continue to blog.. it really has been a lifeline , to read someone else's journey as i take mine .. i hope all is well with you.. please come back and blog x

much love
Alice
London

“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.” ~Audre Lorde