Thursday, June 17, 2010

blogging and life

Quarterlife Queer and Evolving Contradiction both wrote posts about blogging and their intentions in blogging. I've been in a similar place I've been trying to post over and over again, about my surgery and where I'm at. I'm very much in the same place as Evolving, I find it easier to tell strangers things here than people in my everyday life. This is my place to get it all out.

But, I just can't seem to get the words out. The surgery went fine, I'm fine, I healed and lost 15lbs. But, despite all of that it was one of the most traumatic events of my life. It just pushed a lot of my buttons and really put me in an uncomfortable place. But, beyond this I can't just describe this situation enough. Now I'm in the process of processing the whole event and the issues that it brought up in me. Today my therapist said something that I found so astonishing. She said that I don't have to live the way I am. She said that I don't have to live in a world where I'm just biding my time in between crises. She said that I don't have to be happy and then sad, that there's something else... Maybe that's the first step envisioning a life, not of fame or fortune, but of health. So I have a lot of issues and most days I'm not sure if I'm coming or going, but I'm gonna believe that eventually I'll reach this magical place that my therapist mentioned, I'll call it stability.

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“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.” ~Audre Lorde