Choices and Waiting

In May I had to have surgery to remove the fibroids that had taken over my uterus and were fucking up my body in general. It was traumatic for many, many reasons but, I thought hey it's over. So post surgery I found out that the fibroids had made the prospect of me getting pregnant a lil more complicated then it would already have been (you know needing to get inseminated and all). I also was more likely to need a c-section having already had my uterus cut up. This all led me to the decision that I would most likely not get pregnant, I've always wanted to adopt anyway and my partner could always carry if we were so inclined. I was fairly settled on this decision but not 100%, but I'm young I have time to figure it all out, once I was a little further away from the trauma of my surgery.

When I went to my 4 week check up my doctor said that my fibroids were a typical but not cancerous so in 4 months he wanted me to have another ultra sound and see him again. I was semi worried but not too bad. Now, here it is 4 months later and I find out that I have more fibroids, they told me they removed all of my previous fibroids so it's safe to assume these are new. Now I'm in full panic mode, what does this mean? Will I have to get a hysterectomy? What's wrong with my body? So now I'm waiting again, on monday I talk with the doctor who did my surgery and I find out what all of this means. So now I'm sitting here waiting and going over all of the possibilities in my head, and I've come to the conclusion while I may not have to have a hysterectomy any time soon I see it in my near future, and what's most striking to me is that I'll no longer even have the option of carrying a child. Like I said before I was pretty settled on not carrying a child but I wasn't 100%. But now I'm facing losing that prospect completely, and that more than anything is what's scary for me. Not having a uterus really isn't going to mess with my idea of what it means to be a woman because have an uterus doesn't make me a woman. However, the idea that I'll lose the complete prospect of creating and carrying life in my body is distressing. To top this all off, there is the very real prospect that I'm going to lose my insurance so now I may have some medical condition and no insurance... what the hell am I supposed to do with that.

So I'm sitting here waiting, contemplating choices that I may never have and trying not to let my anxiety over it all touch me too close.

Surgery fun

So I just erased this long ass post about my hospital stay, and impending surgery. But it was too personal even for this blog and I just decided to scrap it all. Anyway here's an abbreviated version/update. I just found out that I have 2 very large fibroids, 1 inside my uterus and another on top of my uterus that extends all the way to my liver. Needless to say it feels great.

This is why being uninsured sucks:
1. The clinics you can afford to go to suck. I was told that I had acid reflux.... yeah not so much. The doctor didn't even order an ultra sound which is how the found my fibroids.

2. Doctors aren't really a fan of people without insurance. I was told that my surgery that was supposedly semi urgent was going to be put on hold until I got insurance coverage.

So I have a lot more thoughts and feelings about everything I'm about to go through, but I can't really formulate them for myself, so I sure as hell can't put them on here. So Tuesday at 1pm I'll be undergoing abdominal myommectomy. Prayers and positive vibes appreciated.