Monday, March 24, 2008

a note on grief

On thursday while I was at the conference my mother calls me to tell me that my step brother was shot and killed. I didn't cry or scream when I found out I was stunned in disbelief. I haven't seen him in years, but he had added me on myspace. When I found out I began to wonder why I hadn't written him a message saying hi, how are you doing. Why didn't I try and meet up when I was home? These are all questions that are plaguing me. I want to go to the funeral and say goodbye. But, its weird in some ways I feel like I don't have a right to be sad, we haven't spoken in years.

I'm currently just feeling a whole lot of things right now. I haven't told a lot of people. I was trying to put it out of my mind, but now I'm home and my mind is wandering and all of these questions are just messing with me. I've only had one other person close to me die. I don't really know what to do. I'm also a little hesitant to go because my step father may be there and my step brother's funeral isn't the place for a confrontation, but I just couldn't allow him to come near me without spazzing out. I don't know there's just a lot going on.

4 comments:

QQ said...

I'm sorry to hear about your loss.. just know you do have the right to be sad even if you hadn't seen or talked to him in a while. Allow yourself to mourn. You and your family are in my thoughts.

Jason Hughes said...

I'm so sorry for your loss--I can't even imagine what you must be feeling, but you are in our thoughts and prayers...

Sudy said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Peace to you during this time of grief.

Laura Luna said...

I'm sorry for your loss.
May you have peace during this difficult time.

blessings
LL

“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.” ~Audre Lorde