Me and the Church

I was not raised in the church. I started going to church in my early teens, and at the time it was exactly what I needed. I really go into church and got saved when I was 15 years old. At that time I was dealing with an abusive drug addicted step father that brought chaos with him wherever he went. The church was my sanctuary truly, I would go to church and just feel God there and feel safe. I was committed to reading my bible everyday, praying for every one's salvation and preparing for the rapture. I felt so safe and secure and it really steadied me in a lot of ways. But, with my involvement in Church came a lot of shame about everything about me. I was so ashamed that I lusted after women and didn't after men. I would pray all the time for God to take these evil feelings away from me. I active tried to pursue the man that I felt God had planned on me even when I felt absolutely nothing for them. I felt completely numb around them and I constantly questioned what was wrong with me, but I just didn't see any other options.

While I was in college I was very involved in the evangelical student group and put up with a lot of shit from them because we were all God fearing Christians. But, college also exposed me to all different types of people and the hardest to deal with were the few out and proud Queer people on campus, because they were a constant reminder of the lie that I was living. So during my senior year I struggled greatly with my faith, I was starting to feel disconnected because everything I had learned while in church was that God hated homosexuality, oh he loved homosexuals but hated the evil behavior, and I was terrified. I've been to so many different church services where the preacher preached so vehemently against queer people, did altar calls, calling for queer people to come up and be delivered from their wicked ways. So as I was dealing with my sexuality all of this came back to me just telling me that God didn't love me and I was evil.

Clearly I have come to embrace and accept me, wholly and completely, but I still have issues. I have been to queer churches and I know that the words of a many preachers don't accurately reflect God's word. I'm sure that God still loves me, but it's hard when you're constantly being bombarded by gay hating preachers. I realized at the Kwanzaa celebration church is no longer a safe space for me anymore, and that makes me sad. I miss church I want to go back a lot of times, but I feel like I've grown and changed so much and I'm not sure that I fit anymore. When I was hard in to the church I didn't want to hear about any other faith systems because mine was the only one. But, now I respect so many other faiths and have no problem integrating aspects of them into my own life. I have friends that are pagan and I don't see them burning in a fiery hell. Before in church I was taught that anything that isn't exactly in line with Christianity is the work of the devil. But its hard for me now, because I find myself uncomfortable in some Christian situations, not like before, and it honestly makes me worried sometimes. But, I don't know I just don't feel safe anymore in these situations. I don't feel that unconditional love I used to. I know this has a lot to do with me because not all churches are anti gay and homophobic, but just on the everyday its hard.
So this is where I'm at, and I don't know where I'm going but I just needed to get this out.

All trolls be warned your comments will be deleted. You know who you are.

Gay, straight songs

Have you ever heard a song that was written by a hetero for a hetero audience but it just sounded like a gay song? The first time I heard Amos Lee's in the arms of a woman, I just thought it sounded really gay (in the best way of course). Anyway judge for yourself





Really gay right? Can't you picture a lesbian singing this at Michfest?

Kwanzaa with the Community

So last night I went to the Kwanzaa celebration at the gay and lesbian center in NYC. I wasn't sure if I was going to go at first. I didn't have the back up of one of my friends at first, but I decided that it was a chance to get out and be among other LGBT POC, and maybe meet a nice lady but that was secondary ;-) . Anyway when I got there it was absolutely packed and I got one of the most awkward spots in the whole place, right in the middle of an aisle. But, as I sit down I look up and I see Olive and Hanifah and damn near passed out. Hanifah was one of the first performers and not only did she tear the place up but she looked absolutely gorgeous. I was almost drooling. Then Olive talked about Kujichagulia, and I'm not gonna lie I was a little over zealous in my clapping i felt when she came on, so I was a little more subdued when she went off. But they seriously have to be the most beautiful couple ever. It's very rare that you think both people in the couple are hot, but that's besides the point, back to the celebration. The performers were amazing, but what I loved more than anything is that I know that when Maulana Karenga created Kwanzaa his idea of African people celebrating Kwanzaa didn't included LGBT people, but during the whole celebration the presenters continued to affirm us as Black people and as queer people and it was beautiful. It was so refreshing.

My only complaint was that it seemed a very Christian influenced program. I'm a Christian and I don't really have a problem with people talking about Jesus, but not everyone is Christian and that should be respected also. But actually the Christian presence actually really worked for me and made me feel comfortable. I've found myself uncomfortable lately in heavily Christian situations, and even in church and I couldn't figure out why. Last night made me realize that church wasn't a safe space for me anymore. It used to be I used to love being in church, but after I came out that went away because a lot of the negativity I heard and always feeling like an outsider. Then last night when I was the ultimate insider I felt completely safe. So its definitely a step forward for me. So all in all it was a great night, and I'm glad I went.

My escape

It's 4:30 in the morning, and I'm still up, and I have no good reason why. The truth is that I just finished a book that I just started. It's the fourth book in the Anita Blake series, what can I say I'm hooked. My mother is getting concerned that I like reading so many sci-fi novels. She thinks I'm on my way to becoming a pagan. Now I would like to tell her that I've met many a nice pagan and being pagan is not like what you hear about it, but I figure that wouldn't make her feel any better, so she can just keep on thinking I'm on my way to becoming a witch. A lesbian and a witch, it's a little cliche isn't it? Anyway, what my mom doesn't get is that I'd much rather read a book that centers around something so far out of our everyday reality where the good guys always win, because who wants to be reminded about how shitty this world is all the time. So instead of that I read books about our current time, but the majority of the issues come from the fact that we've got vampires, zombies, ghouls and other supernatural creatures running around, not because George W. Bush has been our president for the past 8 years. These novels are my escape from reality, what's yours?

Late night vanity

I just finished retwisting my hair and I'm feeling hot so I decided to share a pic of my locs. I'm really happy about they're progress.

Call me, Queen Latifah! Call me

Since I feel like my posts have been a little angry lately. I figured its time for a light hearted post. So on Twitter (which I'm so obsessed with now). I was talking about my love for Queen Latifah, She was one of my first crushes. Unfortunately she's not out yet, but she's so fine I will be her closeted girlfriend. So if you start seeing her with a sexy woman with locs, and this blog goes silent. Don't blow up my spot, just let us live in peace. So here's for my wife the beautiful Queen Latifah.

Oh Queen we can be so happy you just have to call! lol

Angry

So I started this post on my ipod while I was on the train home for thanksgiving. Since my mother and sister have currently pissed me off I decided to add to it and post it.

I'm just angry! Are you ever just so mad that everything pisses you off and you hate everyone. That's how I'm feeling right now. So here's a list of what is currently pissing me off:

My brother's selfishness
Not being able to tell him that he's being selfish
Heteronormativity
Not having a lot of gay friends
Picky homeless beggers
NYC subways
My MA program
Auto correct on my iPod
Not being able to say what I feel
This whole fucking world
My iPod changing fucking to ducking
Loud ass people on the train
Bad kids
Ugly jumpsuits
Rich white men
Racist gay people
All the fucking happy lesbian couples in NYC (yes I'm hating because I'm single)
Being fucking single
Feeling like I don't belong
Hipsters
Not being able to sleep on the train because this douche bag doesn't have his shit together
People getting on the wrong fucking train
Coming home and being treated like a child (new addition)

Tired

Do you ever get tired?

Not tired after being on your feet all day at work, or running around doing errands, but just tired of all the bull shit in the world namely all these damn hierarchies. Because, right now I'm really tired. I'm tired of always being in the fucking minority. I'm tired of being gay in a straight world, Black in a white world and a woman in a male world. However, right now I'm especially tired of being gay in a straight world. I'm lucky that I have a few incredible straight friends that allow me to drag them to all these gay events with relatively few objections, but its tiring always being on the outside. I go to these amazing events full of beautiful Queer folks and I'm rejuvenated and energized and then I have to leave that space and deal with ignorance from friends, family and the world at large. I'm tired of being the lone voice of dissent with ignorant comments, and I'm tired of educating others. I'm just so fucking tired. I like to see some version of myself in almost every aspect of my life. So I like watching TV and movies with Queer actors, reading books with Queer characters, and listening to music by Queer musicians (even though I have very few Queer music groups on my ipod), but when I do this and support these works then I'm being biased because I'm gay. I think this is largely due to me being constantly viewed as a special interest, and its fucking annoying.
What really set me off was Beyonce's song "If I was a boy", while I have no problem with her writing a song about being on the other side of her relationship, and I don't think everythinig should be catered to include me, people have the right to write about their experience (now that that disclaimer is out of the way). But, what specifically set me off about that song is where she says

"If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl "

The first thing I thought when I heard those lyrics, was well there are millions of women who know how it feels to love a girl, and it ain't got shit to do with being a boy. Like I said before I get it she wasn't talking about us, (which she has every right to do) but it just reiterated to me how often people aren't talking to us. All those stupid fucking generalizations about what every woman wants which always invariably have something to do with some type of man, which doesn't even apply to all hetero women, but it especially excludes Queer women. I'm just tired of having to be understanding at my exclusion.
I'm just so very tired.