new baby

Congrats to my bestest friend ever on the birth of her beautiful little boy! I just wanted to officially post this online. I got to see him yesterday and he is tied with my nephew for the cutest baby ever, well at least in my eyes I know to each respective parent their son is number one. She's a great mom already and I can't wait to see her walk fully in her momdom lol

You know there is a lot going on in politics right now, and I just finished watching Life and Debt about the IMF and how it has screwed up Jamaica. The more I think about our current administration, and I would like to write a very intelligent critique about President Bush, but all I can think of to say is

FUCK YOU BUSH
FUCK YOU!!!
FUCK YOU'RE FUCKED UP WAR!
FUCK YOU!
FUCK YOU!
FUCK YOOOOOOU!!

That is all

I can't stand all this waiting!!!!!
I'm documenting all my anxiousness while I wait for news on Anacoana, and the baby. Its driving me crazy it is currently a little after midnight and the last I heard from her it was at 8 and she was doing great. its been 4 hours and I can't stand the not knowing, is she close what's going on? how does she feel? we joke and say that I'm the third parent and I feel like the father pacing outside the hospital room waiting to hear whether his child has been born. I can't take it!!!! So Anacoana when you read this later, as well as all the notes on your myspace, and facebook just know that I'm going crazy!!!

procrastination

marriedtothesea.com

Baby Watch 2007 ...

Is almost complete because


ANACOANA IS IN LABOR RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!


Go over and wish her luck she won't see it until after she comes home, but it'll be much appreciated.

I'm already an Auntie as of Sept 6th, now I'm about to be a god mom as of I'm gonna say the 3rd

Do I get my Lesbian card now?

Okay so I have a confession.... I'm not very proud of it, I feel a little cliche but I just downloaded a Melissa Etheridge song from itunes. I'm just trying to get my official Lesbian card, and hopefully with that I will also get my gaydar because Damn it, it would really come in handy. But, that's besides the point, but yes I downloaded a Melissa Etheridge song, her new one A message to myself



Its actually not that bad of a song, but I'm just branching out my musical tastes, because I grew up in the Black people don't listen to rock, country or anything that can be construed as "White people's music", and its been hard for me to break that hold. But I've been making some steps like I really like the group the Cliks, but the Melissa Etheridge thing brings up a whole new group of issues, mainly I don't wanna be that girl more specifically that lesbian, you know that super lesbian, who just came out and is all about everything rainbows, and lesbian, you know she cuts her hair gets super militant. There was even a post on Ourchart.com about it, the blogger talked about being post gay, and I just don't want to be that girl, but at the same time I feel like I'm still letting others dictate how I'm going to express my sexuality. I guess when it comes down to it I've never wanted to be the super trendy follow everyone type of girl, and that works to my disadvantage sometimes. So I don't know for all my queer folks out there are you post gay?

Forever Journeying

I don't know if its just me, but it seems like the times when you are on the cusp of change, of a real breakthrough, thats when everything seems to fall apart. I feel like something big is about to happen, not necessarily big in the sense of something visible or even remarkable to people other than me, but something is about to happen. I have reached a new place in my journey, I'm becoming comfortable in who I am, comfortable enough to fight for it, which I haven't necessarily been ready to do before. I haven't been able to post as much as I would like lately because I've just been so overwhelmed by life, by everything. I am currently taking 4 courses trying to work on my thesis without a committee, apply to grad programs and possibly retake the GRE's. I'm just feeling overwhelmed by it all, and sometimes I feel like I just can't do it and I wanna throw up my hands and quit which is evident by my last post. However, admits all of this I've been having some incredible joys namely the birth of my nephew
I haven't even met him yet, but I already love him. Soon I Anacoana should have her little man, and I also am looking forward to him, because new life brings hope. With all thats going on I've just felt less willing to lie, hide or compromise myself in anyway. I recently got a call from a former fundie friend of mine who I've been avoiding for the past year. She called and said she missed me and asked about whether I was involved in any churches, or youth groups. I didn't tell her about how I've been walking in my identity as a Black lesbian and that I was proud of that. I didn't tell her, I just let her keep her ideas about me and continue to pray for me. But my interaction with her, and my feelings in general about life and everything, have led me to not fear being outed so much anymore. I'm ready to let go of any and everyone who can't deal with me, all of me. Being a lesbian is important but its not all of me and anyone who can't see passed that in my life can leave my life and I'm finally ready to let them go. I'm more confident in my identity as a lesbian, yes I am 23 and a virgin, yes I have never been with a woman as of yet, but this does not mean that I am any less of lesbian or sure of my sexuality. I am no longer ready to let people project their insecurities on to my life. I really feel like a change is about to happen, like I'm finally going to reach that next level in my journey. I'm not sure where its going to take me, but I'm ready for the ride.

dating rant

So here's the deal I've been about to myself for almost two years and friends and family a year and a half. I've been processing, dealing, reading, preparing everything I felt I needed to do to get myself accustomed to my new reality of living as an out black lesbian in the USA. I purposely have not tried to hard to seek a relationship for a while because I realized that I needed to get me ready, but now I feel I'm ready and open, and just waiting for the experience of being in a relationship. But, the problem is that I live in a southern city with approximately 2.5 "available" black women who are interested in women (I'm not even talking about identifying as a lesbian. I don't care I'll date someone who is bi, all I care about is that you're in to women).

So yeah my dating options are severely limited, I have this one girl who I went on a datelet (you know more than just chilling, but not an official date) with, but that night she was too high to function and when she met my friends when they came down she hit on one of them and basically acted like an ass. Despite this all I still find her attractive and when drunk last weekend threw myself at her all night, then completely missed her signal of "let's get it on" which in hind sight was a good thing. But despite this all I'm stuck, frustrated and anxious to get over this whole first business over, you know first girlfriend, lover, heartbreak etc...
So I guess the message of the night is DAMN THIS TOWN!!! I NEED A GIRLFRIEND!

Following this random post 3:45am post I think I will follow TS and anacoana's trend and adopt post midnight blogging guidelines.

Grad School is bad for my health

Its true, this past week I've had about two near breakdowns, why? Because grad school is bad for my health. The amount of stress to perform and perform well is agonizing. The constant negotiation of identity in spaces that were created so that people like you would not survive is sometimes too much. I felt completely overwhelmed by all of the shit I have to get done in order to become a PhD, even just a MA because damnit I have no other options. This is the only thing I love and also loathe. Its stressful, but when I see my research actually making a difference it seems like its worth it, until I get the next nasty look or slide comment from a professor. So Grad school is more than bad for my health its like a methadone, just an exchange of one drug for another, you'd like to be completely drug free but hopefully this will allow you to live a healthy and happy life. I don't know if I'm making any sense this has just been on my mind, and I wanted to post it. piece of advice STAY AWAY FROM GRAD SCHOOL!!

Just a little something for your Sunday



Damn Jennifer Hudson can SANG!!!

not sing but SANG

there's a difference

That's right everyone my sister in law is currently in labor right now, and soon I shall be an Auntie!!!

ranting and music

Wow I really hadn't noticed that its been so long since my last post. This school year has been kicking my ass hard, already. But its a good ass kicking... I think, I guess I'll find out later. I've gotten renewed motivation in my research, because this ass hole of a kid recently commenting on the Black Lesbian lives, that is being offered this semester, said that its the most irrelevant course ever. Really? Black lesbian lives are irrelevant and not worth being studied? I'm so glad that I found out that I have no place in studies that are supposed to be studying Black people as a whole, because obviously my life is irrelelvant. Everytime I think about what he said I get more and more angry, fortunately I wasn't there for his little speech, which later included him saying what's next a class on "Retarded Black lesbian midgets with one eye"? Isn't he a great guy? But it is people like him that make me research Black SGL (same gender loving) women. So FUCK HIM! and all of his fucked up ideologies!

On other news I've been so obsessed with music lately. I just bought Ledisi's album and it's pretty amazing! I've been playing it non stop since I got it here's a little glimpse



Thanks to After Ellen to a link to Alicia Keys' new single which I've played 10 times in a row

Alicia Keys NO ONE (new audio)
Uploaded by kurb35

For my Sisters

As I was writing a letter to my friend who is studying in Trinidad right now, this song cycled through my play list.



This is one of my favorite movies, and definitely one of my favorite parts in the movie. I loved Shug and Celie's relationship in the movie and even more in the book, because it showed women connecting on a much deeper level. Their relationship wasn't for anyone else, but it was for them.



There's just something beautiful about it. As I was writing I just wanted to insert the song in to my letter for my friend. Not just the lyrics but the smooth sound of Shug's voice the empowerment that she conveyed was just amazing. This isn't to take away from the lyrics

Sister, you've been on my mind
Sister, we're two of a kind
So, sister, I'm keepin' my eye on you.

I betcha think I don't know nothin'
But singin' the blues, oh, sister,
Have I got news for you, I'm something,
I hope you think that you're something too

Scufflin', I been up that lonesome road
And I seen alot of suns going down
Oh, but trust me,
No-o low life's gonna run me around.

So let me tell you something Sister,
Remember your name, No twister
Gonna steal your stuff away, my sister,
We sho' ain't got a whole lot of time,
So-o-o shake your shimmy Sister,
'Cause honey the 'shug' is feelin' fine.

I already posted a clip from the documentary, but every time I go to that site and see a clip I feel more and more empowered, why? Because it reminds me that I have a community out there. I'm not alone, there are other Black women struggling with the same things I am. That's when I remember how important it is for me to be out and to seek out other Black lesbians. Another clip they have posted features Hanifah Walidah talking about the necessity of having elders in your life who have been through the same thing.



I love how she points out that as precious your relationship with you mother is, you still need others. As much as I love my friends and they've been there for me through so much, I still need my Black lesbian community, because there are somethings that my friends will never understand, and that's okay. When I'm around other Black lesbians I feel at home. Its a feeling that I can not explain, and I feel good when I can encourage another sister struggling with her sexuality. Earlier this week I spoke with a sister who has long declared that she's open to having a relationship with a woman, is now struggling with the implications of this relationship now that it is a possibility to actually occur. She was saying things that I had long felt and understood, and we got to just talk. I don't know if I gave her great insight, but I told her what I needed to hear when I was dealing with my own sexuality... It is okay. Something so simple, It is okay to love who I love, and to be who God created me to be. I look at how I have changed since graduating from undergrad and how my life has changed, and I'm happy with all of the changes, because I am a stronger person for them. I still have a ways to go, but what is important is that I'm going, and on this long journey I'm not alone. I have my sisters and I know that I'll be able to make it.

Black Womyn Conversations

I'm so excited for this documentary, words can't even describe it. I'm in awe of Tiona M, and the film hasn't even come out yet, but just check out this clip. For more info check out her blog

Funk/soul

Oh Shit 2 posts in one day!!

After Ellen just put up an amazing playlist of funk/soul sistas and wow! It is on point minus Beyonce! go check it out!

Mia Michaels is the Shit!

No more explanation just watch and enjoy

Music

I looove Music!!!!

The right song is the perfect compliment to whatever you're feeling. There are the songs you play when you're mad and want to calm down and then their are songs you play when you're mad and want to stay mad. I find that most of my music is more to calm me down and keep me mellow. Have you ever found that when you put your music on shuffle sometimes you hit a few songs which are just perfect. Thats what just happened. I was listening to music and then Luther Vandross' since I lost my baby came on, and that started me off with blasting my music then next was Corinne Bailey Rae "til it happens to you" which I've included below for your pleasure.



Then we had Chaka Khan Through the fire,



and it was just beautiful so I wanted to share with you all as much as I could. What music just puts you in that place of calm, and relaxation that you crave?

Trip home

I don't see how it is that I updated more when I was in Trinidad than since I've been home. It has been a whirlwind week. I got back from Trinidad late on the 3rd and flew home to CT on the 9th. In between then I had to reclaim my house from fruit flies, try and organize/unpack a little more, and also write a paper for my Trinidad class, which I still haven't done. Fortunately I had a great time being home; I spent most of my time in some area of NYC and mainly with anacoana because it was her baby shower. The baby shower was simply amazing; it was great seeing so many people I haven't seen since I graduated a year ago. It was interesting trying to be true to who I am now as opposed to the person I was when I graduated. I didn't want to slip in to the old image of me, but I am still having a hard time completely breaking that old image and revealing the true me. This was evident in how I awkwardly was walking around with a beer, or how I had to sneak and make myself a drink so to not draw attention to me. I already had to answer a few "oh my goodness is that a beer in your hand?" which was nothing but awkward. I didn't come out to anyone this weekend and mainly kept my sexuality quiet, but this weekend wasn't about announcing my sexuality to people it was about celebrating the pending arrival of my Godson. There was only one instance in which it would have been relevant for me to announce my sexuality, and I didn't in that instance because I was involved in a debate with a "friend" about whether heterosexism was an important system of oppression. In that case I didn't feel like he was worthy of getting to know more about me.

As I said before the baby shower was beautiful, not only did I get to hang out with my best friend but I also got to chill with TS. Being around Anacoana makes me not want to get pregnant, not because she was miserable and made pregnancy look like it, but because she's like 8.5 months pregnant and is carrying it so well, and I know I won't be as fortunate. But overall she's going to be an amazing mother, and I can't wait to see what her little boy is going to look like.

I also got to hang out with my brother and sister in law and see her belly. She's about 2.5 weeks ahead of anacoana and my little nephew is already 6.5 pounds and he still has a month to go. My family doesn't have little babies; I was my mom's lightest at 8 pounds. Unfortunately my sister in law hasn't enjoyed the minimal weight gain like anacoana and has gained weight everywhere but is still beautiful and glowing. I also had a very interesting conversation with my brother concerning my sexuality. It was weird and slightly frustrating because he was asking about the elephant in the room, and I didn't feel like I was purposefully ignoring the subject of my sexuality it just didn't have any place in the conversation that we were having, he was encouraging me to talk about it more with my mom, which was weird because I don't feel like I hide anything from my mom. While I understand his point that my mom wants to talk about it more, but I simply will not be rushed/pushed on anything anymore. What I feel like my family doesn't understand is that this has nothing to do with them. My sexuality is not about them, it is about me. I understand they want to know more and be involved, but I'm not going to go at a rate that is uncomfortable to me in order to appease them, and they're just going to have to deal with it. So this has been overall a very interesting little visit.

I'm back and bored

So thanks to AfterEllen.com I discovered morphthings.com which allowed me to envision many possibilities

like what would me and Rose Rollins' daughter look like


Sorry Laura but I had to see what me and Sara Ramirez's daughter would look like and she's cute too



then Me and Staceyann Chin




then what about Rose Rollins and Staceyann Chin



me and Salma Hayek



Sara Ramirez and Jennifer Hudson...me and Laura's fantasy women



and finally another one of my fantasies me and Jennifer Hudson

Happy Emancipation Day!!!!

Today was one of the most exhilarating days that I've ever had here in Trinidad. This whole entire trip was worth it all if only for the Emancipation day parade. Today I was able to take part in an Emancipation day celebration and it was beautiful. Here in Trinidad along with some festivities building up to today, Emancipation day is celebrated with a Kambule, a procession through out Port of Spain. It was absolutely beautiful! This is how I described it in an email to someone today and it fit so I'm not going to just paste it here.

It was amazing, the solidarity, and the love. For this one day we could forget all of what the Colonizers did to try and make us forget our history our people, our heritage, and we were all African again. It was beautiful as far as my eye could see there were tons of Beautiful Black people in African clothing. It was amazing, all you heard was African music and Calypso songs about Africa and the beauty in being Black. The walk was long but beautiful filled with the beautiful beat of the drum. After today I understand more than ever how the drum is the heart beat, because the bass was so loud that I felt the beat in my heart literally and it felt like it was completely in tune with the beating of my heart. It was beautiful! As we were walking I felt like I was apart of a larger community. I felt like I was surrounded by my people and that in the end we will win. I'm trying my best to describe it, but words can't do it justice. The whole day I kept trying to take pictures, record sound, do something to capture this wonderful movement and send it on. I didn't mean to type movement but I decided to leave it because it fits so well, it’s a movement to remember our collective past and celebrate our future.

This celebration was not only for those who were forced out of Africa by the slave trade, but also those that left voluntarily years later and those who still remain there. Because Emancipation day is about remembering our past and healing/restoring ourselves. We all suffered at the hands of colonialism and this is the celebration of our continued struggle against it. I'm trying my best to describe everything I saw and felt and heard, but it’s impossible. Sometime when we were transported from Africa to the various countries we stopped being African, we became American, Trinidadian, Brazilian, Dominican etc, but today we were all one. I saw people of all ages out celebrating; children with their parents and the elderly who could barely walk, but came out to celebrate this wonderful day. Emancipation Day is something everyone needs to experience at least once in their lives, because after it you will never be the same.