Pursuing my dreams

So its very hard to have a dream and actually confess it out loud, because once you give voice to your dream I believe the Universe sits and waits to see what you'll do with it. And this, is where I am now. I have confessed to my two closest friends my revelation of what I ultimately want to do with my life, and now I bring it here. I find I need to say it a few times for it really to sink in. I started off saying in my head. If I could do anything in the world, I would be a writer. Then to my friends I said "I want to be a professional writer". And, now I'm saying I am going to be a writer. That last time was hard, because its true I've moved from the wishing and hoping stage to the open declaration stage and its FUCKING scary. Because the truth of the matter is that I am terrified that I am going to fail, that I'm not good enough. My main concern is my grammar which sucks, as you can tell her. Even though I make no effort to be grammatically correct here. When I start writing something for this blog, I just let my fingers flow over the keyboard and whatever comes out, comes out. I do not proofread because ultimately I probably wouldn't publish anything I write. Anyway back to what I was saying I am going to be a writer. I'm speaking it into being and actually taking steps towards my goal. I'm currently working on several things, that up until now I have been afraid to do. I'm currently working on a novel and a short story. These are some ideas that I have had for a long time, and now I'm ready to commit to them, commit to myself and commit to working to make sure that I'm happy.

I'm nervous for several reasons, the main one is that I've never had any type of training, I've never even taken a creative writing class. I feel almost like a fraud an imposter trying to enter into a circle where people have worked long and hard for years and hear I am saying yes I want to be one of you. But, I realized that I feel better when I write. Even now this free flow of ideas and thoughts feels good, it releases some of the pressure from all the other bull shit I have deal with every day. Tonight I've been feeling very creative and in the zone. I got 3 pages out on my novel and more that were just random notes. So hear goes nothing I'm throwing my hat into the ring let's see how this all turns out.

silent

When I first saw her face I was silent, I said nothing, didn’t acknowledge it or the pain that was growing in my chest every second I saw that ugly bruise on her face. I didn’t say anything because I wanted to save her from having to come up with another lie or excuse, because we all know what happened. So what would the purpose be of making her lie about something we all know the truth about. I said nothing, because there is nothing left to be said that hasn’t already been said. We’ve said it, all of us. We’ve told her she doesn’t deserve to be beaten like this. We’ve told her how wonderful and beautiful she is, but it doesn’t matter to her because every man in her life has hit her and abused her.

So I said nothing, swallowed the bile that was rising smiled, called her by he nickname and watched her walk out the door back to him. I watch her sit proudly next to him as if half of her beautiful face wasn’t marred with bruises. As if she wasn’t hiding two knife cuts underneath her clothes. She told her daughter she fought for the first 2 rounds but not the last one, because she took a hard hit. As I hear her daughter re tell this story I can’t help but wonder if she’ll leave him before that final too hard hit comes. But, I’m silent, because I’m helpless in this situation. I can’t make her see the beauty we all see, I can’t make her realize he’s scum and isn’t worthy of him. I can’t’ make her tell the truth to the police instead of lie to cover up for him. I can't make her see that if she doesn't leave him he'll kill her before AIDS will. So I’m silent and its killing me, watching him slowly kill her.

Internet intimacy

In this technological age, we definitely have disconnected from more one on one contact. I’ve found such a great amazing community both in person and online, even though I would have to say my online community is larger than my in person one. None the less there are people I can go to and who I have many things in common with. However, I often find myself obsessively checking, my email, facebook and twitter just praying, wishing, hoping that someone anyone would reach out and try to connect with me. Talk with me show me some type of love, because that’s what we’re all seeking in relationships right? So instead of walking up to someone and putting your arms around them and saying I really just need a hug and need to feel connected to someone. Some of us update our statuses praying that someone comments, take quizzes, post notes, update our blogs, because hey real up close and personal intimacy is hard but putting up an Audre Lorde quote on facebook is easy.

life

Dear Life,
You suck sometimes.

Sincerely,
Journey Woman

Damsel

Is there room to be both a Radical Queer Woman of Color and a Damsel?

(start at about 4 mins in)


I've been obsessed with Crystal Monee Hall since I saw her at Rivers of Honey a couple of weeks ago. She's amazing and has this song called Damsel which I've been listening to non stop on youtube (since that's the only place I can find it). In her song she tells this woman, that she can love her, show her love and asks her to open her self to her she'll save her. I love everything about this song, her voice, her words and just the groove of it. I would absolutely melt if a woman ever sang this song to me, and I have to admit that the idea of being the Damsel is appealing. How often do we get the opportunity to just be and have someone say don't worry I got you? Now of course, I don't want this all the time 24/7 I want my own agency, but wouldn't it be nice just for a little bit to be able to sit back and just be, and have someone say they're gonna take your distress. Especially as QWOC who in the hell is really offering that?

I guess what really appeals to me about this song goes beyond my own aspirations to have someone save me on some level, but it rekindled the idea that I can still have my own version of a fairy tale. But, My prince doesn't have to be a blond white boy but, a thick beautiful Black Princess with locs and an amazing voice. Oh the possibilities!

Stations

I love me some Audre Lorde, in case you didn't already know that.

Stations
by Audre Lorde

Some women love to wait for life
for a ring in the June light
for a touch of the sun to heal them
for another woman's voice
to make them whole
to untie their hands
put words in their mouths
form to the passages
sound to their screams
for some other sleeper to remember
their future
their past.

Some women wait for their right train
in the wrong station
in the alleys of morning
for the noon to holler
the night come down.

Some women wait for love
to rise up
the child of their promise
to gather from earth
what they do not plant
to claim pain for labor
to become
the tip of an arrow
to aim at the heart of now
but it never stays.

Some women wait for visions
that do not return
where they were not welcomed
naked
for invitations to places
they always wanted to visit
to be repeated.

Some women wait for themselves
around the next corner
and call the empty spot peace
but the opposite of living
is only not living
and the stars do not care.

Some women wait for something to change
and nothing does change
so they change

Me

Something has been really bothering me lately, it feels like there is so much resistance to me just being me. I feel like in order to "fit" I need to change so many aspects of myself. From the way I dress, to how I live my life. It seems like whatever I do just isn't enough. It isn't ok and I'm so over it. I feel this particularly when it comes to dating. I'm neither butch nor femme or androgynous. I'm just me, my style is very much for comfort, most days I'm wearing jeans, t-shirt and head scarf; and that's how I'm comfortable dressing. I don't like heels, I can't walk in them and they hurt my feet, so I don't wear them anymore simple. I don't wear make up, and I could careless about whether my nail polish is all there. Those things just aren't important to me. Sometimes I like to show of the Venus and Serena with a nice low cut shirt, and I don't like my clothes to be overly loose are tight fitting. This is just who I am, and I'm tired of being made to feel like I need to change these aspects of myself. Unfortunately it seems like to get a date I need to change in some way, dress up, dress down, become more butch or more femme. But, that's not me. QuarterlifeQueer posted an amazing post not too long ago, about life in the middle, and its absolutely beautiful and definitely on time. So often, we are forgotten, us who switch it up and just live in the gray area of an already gray community.

I'm also not one of those extra granola dykes. I care about the environment and what's going on with the earth, but I also like my degree deodorant. If that makes me a hypocrite then so be it. I'm a meat eater and I'm not gonna change that, I even, gasp, eat pork! I know scandalous right? I also like to get drunk every now and then. I reserve the right to be all of this and so much more and I'm not changing any time soon, and if I change it will be my choice and not because I felt pressured.
Yes I'm 25 years old and still a virgin, no I'm not happy about it, but I'm not ashamed either. I'm also not a puppy to be put on display as the 25 yr old virgin. I've also been out for 3 years and haven't been in a relationship with a woman or even kissed a woman, and it has nothing to do with me being unsure about my sexuality. Sure I wish things were different, but they're not. This is my life, these are my experiences. I guess this is all apart of reclaiming me, because this is who I am and I'm tired of feeling bad for it. Hopefully this won't mean that I'm single for the next 30 years, but you know what if changing who I am is what it takes to find someone fuck it! I'll be single.

Crystal Monee Hall

quick post, Music has become my obsession lately, I find it hard to get through the day without an internal soundtrack. So today I went to WOW Cafe for the monthly even of rivers of honey which is amazing! Olive Demetrius was there and performed and was stunning. But, considering I gush over her and Hanifah enough on this blog I decided to highlight someone new who I'm loving right now! Her name is Crystal Monee Hall and she is one baad bitch! She got up on that stage and shut it down! Here's a little taste courtesy of youtube




Amazing right?! She says she has an album coming out in 2010, and all I know is that my ass is going to be first in line to get it.

Energy

So I've been trying this whole new positivity thing. I always tell other people to think positively about a situation, you know put out the energy you want to get back and all that jazz. I honestly believe it... but for other people. I haven't quite taken hold of this idea for myself, so I tried it. I thought positively about a situation and did not get the results I wanted. I know its not like a gum ball machine where you put in a quarter and you get what you want, its much more complicated than that. But, that's the problem with so many things in this world. So often I know things in my mind but, I struggle with bring that knowledge and acceptance to my heart and soul. So what to do? How do you rectify what you believe in your head with what's in your heart? Isn't that one of the cosmic eternal questions? I find myself thinking about what I did wrong to bring about the wrong outcome? Maybe it's not even a wrong outcome, but just not the one I wanted? I don't know that's another one to add to the list of questions that go unanswered for the time being.

This post probably doesn't make much sense, but I'm definitely writing very stream of consciousness right now, so bare with me. I've been trying to get all of my thoughts out. This is my latest mission, because I find when I hold too much in, it gets to be too much. So I'm releasing all my hopes, dreams, fears and nightmares and hoping that with this release I'll gain some peace. I've even started journaling in an effort to really get it all out. I even bought a nice new journal from Barnes and Noble that is supposed to be eco friendly, fair trade and made by a women's co op in Nepal. I really feel like it's inspiring me to write more. Anyway I think that I've definitely verbally vomited enough on this blog for tonight.