Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Do I get my Lesbian card now?

Okay so I have a confession.... I'm not very proud of it, I feel a little cliche but I just downloaded a Melissa Etheridge song from itunes. I'm just trying to get my official Lesbian card, and hopefully with that I will also get my gaydar because Damn it, it would really come in handy. But, that's besides the point, but yes I downloaded a Melissa Etheridge song, her new one A message to myself

Its actually not that bad of a song, but I'm just branching out my musical tastes, because I grew up in the Black people don't listen to rock, country or anything that can be construed as "White people's music", and its been hard for me to break that hold. But I've been making some steps like I really like the group the Cliks, but the Melissa Etheridge thing brings up a whole new group of issues, mainly I don't wanna be that girl more specifically that lesbian, you know that super lesbian, who just came out and is all about everything rainbows, and lesbian, you know she cuts her hair gets super militant. There was even a post on about it, the blogger talked about being post gay, and I just don't want to be that girl, but at the same time I feel like I'm still letting others dictate how I'm going to express my sexuality. I guess when it comes down to it I've never wanted to be the super trendy follow everyone type of girl, and that works to my disadvantage sometimes. So I don't know for all my queer folks out there are you post gay?

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Forever Journeying

I don't know if its just me, but it seems like the times when you are on the cusp of change, of a real breakthrough, thats when everything seems to fall apart. I feel like something big is about to happen, not necessarily big in the sense of something visible or even remarkable to people other than me, but something is about to happen. I have reached a new place in my journey, I'm becoming comfortable in who I am, comfortable enough to fight for it, which I haven't necessarily been ready to do before. I haven't been able to post as much as I would like lately because I've just been so overwhelmed by life, by everything. I am currently taking 4 courses trying to work on my thesis without a committee, apply to grad programs and possibly retake the GRE's. I'm just feeling overwhelmed by it all, and sometimes I feel like I just can't do it and I wanna throw up my hands and quit which is evident by my last post. However, admits all of this I've been having some incredible joys namely the birth of my nephew
I haven't even met him yet, but I already love him. Soon I Anacoana should have her little man, and I also am looking forward to him, because new life brings hope. With all thats going on I've just felt less willing to lie, hide or compromise myself in anyway. I recently got a call from a former fundie friend of mine who I've been avoiding for the past year. She called and said she missed me and asked about whether I was involved in any churches, or youth groups. I didn't tell her about how I've been walking in my identity as a Black lesbian and that I was proud of that. I didn't tell her, I just let her keep her ideas about me and continue to pray for me. But my interaction with her, and my feelings in general about life and everything, have led me to not fear being outed so much anymore. I'm ready to let go of any and everyone who can't deal with me, all of me. Being a lesbian is important but its not all of me and anyone who can't see passed that in my life can leave my life and I'm finally ready to let them go. I'm more confident in my identity as a lesbian, yes I am 23 and a virgin, yes I have never been with a woman as of yet, but this does not mean that I am any less of lesbian or sure of my sexuality. I am no longer ready to let people project their insecurities on to my life. I really feel like a change is about to happen, like I'm finally going to reach that next level in my journey. I'm not sure where its going to take me, but I'm ready for the ride.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

dating rant

So here's the deal I've been about to myself for almost two years and friends and family a year and a half. I've been processing, dealing, reading, preparing everything I felt I needed to do to get myself accustomed to my new reality of living as an out black lesbian in the USA. I purposely have not tried to hard to seek a relationship for a while because I realized that I needed to get me ready, but now I feel I'm ready and open, and just waiting for the experience of being in a relationship. But, the problem is that I live in a southern city with approximately 2.5 "available" black women who are interested in women (I'm not even talking about identifying as a lesbian. I don't care I'll date someone who is bi, all I care about is that you're in to women).

So yeah my dating options are severely limited, I have this one girl who I went on a datelet (you know more than just chilling, but not an official date) with, but that night she was too high to function and when she met my friends when they came down she hit on one of them and basically acted like an ass. Despite this all I still find her attractive and when drunk last weekend threw myself at her all night, then completely missed her signal of "let's get it on" which in hind sight was a good thing. But despite this all I'm stuck, frustrated and anxious to get over this whole first business over, you know first girlfriend, lover, heartbreak etc...
So I guess the message of the night is DAMN THIS TOWN!!! I NEED A GIRLFRIEND!

Following this random post 3:45am post I think I will follow TS and anacoana's trend and adopt post midnight blogging guidelines.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Grad School is bad for my health

Its true, this past week I've had about two near breakdowns, why? Because grad school is bad for my health. The amount of stress to perform and perform well is agonizing. The constant negotiation of identity in spaces that were created so that people like you would not survive is sometimes too much. I felt completely overwhelmed by all of the shit I have to get done in order to become a PhD, even just a MA because damnit I have no other options. This is the only thing I love and also loathe. Its stressful, but when I see my research actually making a difference it seems like its worth it, until I get the next nasty look or slide comment from a professor. So Grad school is more than bad for my health its like a methadone, just an exchange of one drug for another, you'd like to be completely drug free but hopefully this will allow you to live a healthy and happy life. I don't know if I'm making any sense this has just been on my mind, and I wanted to post it. piece of advice STAY AWAY FROM GRAD SCHOOL!!

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Just a little something for your Sunday

Damn Jennifer Hudson can SANG!!!

not sing but SANG

there's a difference

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

That's right everyone my sister in law is currently in labor right now, and soon I shall be an Auntie!!!

Saturday, September 01, 2007

ranting and music

Wow I really hadn't noticed that its been so long since my last post. This school year has been kicking my ass hard, already. But its a good ass kicking... I think, I guess I'll find out later. I've gotten renewed motivation in my research, because this ass hole of a kid recently commenting on the Black Lesbian lives, that is being offered this semester, said that its the most irrelevant course ever. Really? Black lesbian lives are irrelevant and not worth being studied? I'm so glad that I found out that I have no place in studies that are supposed to be studying Black people as a whole, because obviously my life is irrelelvant. Everytime I think about what he said I get more and more angry, fortunately I wasn't there for his little speech, which later included him saying what's next a class on "Retarded Black lesbian midgets with one eye"? Isn't he a great guy? But it is people like him that make me research Black SGL (same gender loving) women. So FUCK HIM! and all of his fucked up ideologies!

On other news I've been so obsessed with music lately. I just bought Ledisi's album and it's pretty amazing! I've been playing it non stop since I got it here's a little glimpse

Thanks to After Ellen to a link to Alicia Keys' new single which I've played 10 times in a row

“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.” ~Audre Lorde