HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Today's my birthday!!

I'm officially in my mid 20's as my friend says. I'm 24 years old and I will be celebrating by watching movies and cooking myself a nice meal. Yeah I'll be alone, but I guess its time I get used to not having a big birthday bash. Anyways HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!
A beautiful Cake that I would love to have from Charm City Cakes

How I'm feeling

First I want to say thanks to all those who have sent their support it really means a lot. I really do love this online community, its definitely been a life line when I've felt completely isolated. I just got back from a department gathering and I feel like crying, but for several different reasons. When I was at the party I got to talk to one of my sheroes who researches the same area as me and is 28 with a PhD and I just stand in awe of her. She's amazing! She really encouraged me and is such a cool drink of water. Its so important to have community and to have someone to bounce ideas off of and affirm my experiences. As you all can tell my grammar is not the best, but on this blog I don't really care because if it bothers someone too bad they can stop reading. But, to hear that someone else struggles like me and it felt good. So I'm so happy that I feel like crying.

I also feel like crying because I can't believe that I'm really never going to see my step brother again. Its hard for me to fully grasp, I just think about all the times that we hung out and how sweet he was, and I'm so mad that he's gone. I'm also mad that it seems like the language isn't there to properly describe his death. He was shot down in his house, someone called him down to the front door and when he came they just shot him. Now that is murder and the law recognizes it as such, but I feel like that definition isn't adequately applied to his death. In the news and by others its said that he was shot, but because he's young, Black and urban there's an implication that he was somewhat complicit in his own murder. He doesn't receive the same sympathy as other murder victims because he's young, black and urban so that happens all the time. This troubles me deeply, but besides that I'm still just stuck on the fact that I'll never see him again. We can't meet up in a little bit and catch up like no time has passed. He can't introduce me to his daughter who I know he loved so much. We can't share in each other's lives , its over. He's gone and I'm still having a hard time understanding that. I can't believe that someone really took his life. It just doesn't make sense , he was such a sweet heart. I always wanted a brother who was closer in age and could be my daily protection and he was that. He had my back he was always there for me when I needed him. At a time when I didn't really fit in with my peers he never made me feel bad about who I was. I'll always love him for that. These are the things I'll think about and then the fact that he's gone will hit me like a ton of bricks. I never thought that I wouldn't have the chance to see him again, this wasn't supposed to happen. He wasn't supposed to die at 26. This world just doesn't make sense.

a note on grief

On thursday while I was at the conference my mother calls me to tell me that my step brother was shot and killed. I didn't cry or scream when I found out I was stunned in disbelief. I haven't seen him in years, but he had added me on myspace. When I found out I began to wonder why I hadn't written him a message saying hi, how are you doing. Why didn't I try and meet up when I was home? These are all questions that are plaguing me. I want to go to the funeral and say goodbye. But, its weird in some ways I feel like I don't have a right to be sad, we haven't spoken in years.

I'm currently just feeling a whole lot of things right now. I haven't told a lot of people. I was trying to put it out of my mind, but now I'm home and my mind is wandering and all of these questions are just messing with me. I've only had one other person close to me die. I don't really know what to do. I'm also a little hesitant to go because my step father may be there and my step brother's funeral isn't the place for a confrontation, but I just couldn't allow him to come near me without spazzing out. I don't know there's just a lot going on.

What a weekend

I so much to blog about, I just came back from a conference where I met the love of my life (jk, just a really cool girl) but, I didn't get her number. It was really great, but I'm too tired to really get in to it so here are some beautiful pictures of Rose Rollins, that I got from AfterEllen.
p.s. I also saw a Tasha look alike!!

procrastiboredom

I recently bought a camera and the next day I lost it somehow, and I have no idea how. So I finally bought a new camera and since I'm procrastinating so bad right now I decided to take some pictures and share them with you all.Clearly I'm just entirely too gay lol

My spring break summed up in a picture, Lotion - get your minds out of the gutter, my skin is acting up so I'm taking care of it. The book which I should be reading for my thesis and pledge cleaner, because I've seriously cleaned my apartment numerous times. Oh, and water because I've been guzzling it like its going out of style.

So this is what I look like sleeping!
The view from inside my locs, my sanctuary.
My weekend attire
getting creative with the camera effects. The untweezed, unwaxed, unthreded eyebrows in solidarity with BFP

Procrastination quizzes

40%

Given that I have a 40% chance of surviving, I'm gonna go with my friend's plan in the event of a zombie attack you'll find me with a bottle pills, a bottle of alcohol and some music. I'm going out like a rock star!

17

The funniest part about this quiz is that I have a friend who was actually jumped by a bunch of 5 year olds. I'm glad I could take 17 of them out lol

Spring Break Randomness

Some random thoughts from my sucky spring break

1. I don't know what the hell to do with my hair! My locs have hit a growth spurt, after 5 years I've realized that there come times where I really notice my locs and its always when they reach a length milestone. For example when they finally hit my neck, I smacked myself for a good month before I got used to them. This past summer they hit the middle of my back, and now they're just long and I have no idea what to do.
2. Being rejected by all the schools you applied to really SUCKS!!
   
3. White people are really nice to you when they know that you're going to spend a lot of money in their store.
   
4. I had a dream that me and Tasha from the L word were a couple and Alice was jealous. Yes it was Tasha and Alice not Rose Rollins and Leisha Hailey. That dream was so nice I've been using it to bring my happiness in the midst of this sucky sucky spring break.
   
5. Oh SHIT!! I'm gonna be 24 at the end of the month.
6. Marvita is the reason I continue to watch top model this season.
   
7. Dani Campbell being on the cover of curve made me feel like I was 13 and it was the new issue of Word Up!
   

I'm a dork and I'm okay with that

Excuse me while I whip out my dork hat..... But, I am a HUUUGE Sailor Moon fan!!

Seriously I loved Sailor Moon when I was younger, and then I found out that the whole entire series can be seen online at youtube and veoh. It took me a while but I finally got through the first season and then I made it through the second, skipping through a few episodes. But, I haven't enjoyed any season like the third! First we have the introduction of Sailor Neptune and Sailor Uranus who are .... LESBIANS!!! Wooo Hooo !! Here are some pics of them

how butch is Uranus!
But, despite her Butch exterior she has a little femme in her too!










And she's got all the girls swooning, even Sailor Jupiter developed a little crush (who I called as being gay from the beginning!)





Check out her high femme girlfriend Sailor Neptune



Besides the mere presence of Lesbian characters, I really like how they've been treated. Its just sort of no big deal. At first all the other Sailor scouts thought Uranus was a guy. But, they haven't shunned them at all. They actually want to be like them and so far Jupiter and Sailor Moon have found comfort in Sailor Uranus' arms. I also love that in one episode Sailor Jupiter talked about how hard she tries to conform to gender norms.

Unfortunately, most of this has been cut out of the English dubbed version, so you have to watch it in Japanese with subtitles. Which, isn't bad because they got a new voice actress for Sailor moon and her voice is like finger nails on a chalk board.

But despite my love for Sailor Moon I will never go this far!










So thank you for indulging my Sailor Moon obsession, and go watch all of the episodes now!!

Beauty in an Ugly world

I just realized that it's been a while since I've posted pictures of beautiful women, and with such an ugly world we need some beauty.

Now I'm not really all into Angelina Jolie, but I loove tattoos and this picture below is too HOT!
As some of you may know America's next top model is back! They've also corrected a mistake they made last year in getting rid of Marvita. She is beautiful and a little butch, she also sets off my limited gaydar any way here's her picture from last week. She walked out and my mouth dropped, she's so beautiful. Marvita call me!!

I was trying to find a picture of Lucia Rijker that's in the new Curve, because OH MY GOD! Does she look fine, but since I can't find that one I'm gonna post an old one.


and of course I can't forget my wife, in this beautiful pic from Vibe that I stole from greyday because she gets all the hookups

Words for gentrification

I am an HGTV nut! I love HGTV, all the property shows like National Open house, House Hunters all of them. But, what I've noticed is all the different ways that they've tried to cover up gentrification. My top three are:

1. Pioneering neighborhood
2. Up in coming
3. Neighborhood in transition

I love how they come up with new words to hide their removal of poor mainly Brown people from these neighborhoods. Since we're coming up with new words how about "forceful encouragement of heterosexuality" for homophobia.

thoughts in theory class

I'm currently in my feminist theory class, and we're talking about Judith Butler. We're talking about the assumptions and generalizations in feminist discourse. We talked about the assumptions in the works of hooks and Riche, and it got me wondering, how can you write without marginalizing and othering some group?

As someone who wants to research and produce works about Women of color. How do I not do what I criticize other people for doing? are generalizations inevitable?