Friday, May 18, 2007

I'm letting go

I've been going back and forth on what my 100th post would be, there's been so much going on, but today I had dinner with my former best friend from High School, and as I sat there I realized that I was confident in who I am. But more than anything this recent trip home has allowed me to let a lot of things go. I've had a chance to say my final goodbye to my undergraduate institution. I went to graduation, and that's really it. I don't foresee me going back there anytime soon. So its time to let go, but I'm also letting go of my home. My mom's home, I'm letting go, this is no longer my home. My mom has moved her Fiancée in, and everything is just different. My home is wherever I create it to be, and my mother's house is not it. So I'm finally letting go of the notion that her house is where I belong, and with that I'm no longer going to stress myself out about it. When I leave this home tomorrow, I'm leaving all the trauma that I endured here right here. I'm not carrying that with me anymore. I'm looking out for me from now on. I'm leaving the person that lived in this town here, and when I do come back and visit, I'm not picking her back up. It's really a time to let go I've come to realize. When I go back to the south I'm going to start looking for a new apartment, and that's going to be my home. I'm just realizing its time to grow up, move on, let go and be free.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

There are interlopers in my house!!

There are interlopers in my house and I don't know what to do. I literally just arrived home home, to find the man my mom rented my room out to, and her fiancee. My house that was once a completely female environment now has men. I can't help but be hesitant because the last few men the broke in to our sanctum forever changed it for the worst. Now after 4 months my mom says that she's in love and ready to get married, and I want to be happy for her I really do, but I can't help but be weary. I don't want her to be hurt again, but there's nothing I can do now. She has made her choice, she chose this man, and I hope it all works out. My childhood was far from perfect, it was filled with a perpetual state of chaos but in between the drama and the trauma were some really good times. I loved living in a completely female centered house, but now that has all changed and even though I no longer live at home, when I come home I still want that there. sigh I hope it all works out

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Music time

Music time!!!

So I'm really not a rock fan, I actually abhor 99% of the rock that I hear, but I really like this song



I was just recently introduced to Nina Simone and WOW I'm in love she's great!!

I listen to this song a million times in a row

I'm not a big fan of this video, especially since learning of its origin. It's from the play the Roar of the Greasepaint-the Smell of the crowd. When this song is sung, its sung by a former slave, and she's singing about her new life in freedom. This video really doesn't really convey that message...regardless the song is still amazing!!


and how can you not love a song called young gifted and Black

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Choice

So I've been thinking about a couple of things, mainly the subject of choice. Not choice as we think in terms of reproduction but rather choice as it applies to our sexuality. I was reading this book This is what a Lesbian looks like and it is actually pretty good, from what I've read so far. And one author touched briefly on the idea of choice in the LGBT community. She only mentioned it in a footnote but the notion really caught my attention. She said

"I'm purposely using the term preference. While many people may have a sexual orientation, many others- straight and queer - may not. The sexual liberation movement did not always use the term orientation, and I believe its coinage was part of the strategy that moved us into a civil rights framework, the idea being that if we fuck others of the same sex because we are more deserving of civil rights. Choice has been completely discounted. In my opinion, the orientation argument seems to be little more than Don't be mean to us poor homosexuals. We can't help it. It is important to also argue for the right of an individual to choose homosexuality if that makes sense to them. I chose to be a dyke (because I love women and honestly, the sex is better), and it's the best decision I ever made!"
Karen Bullock-Jordan, "Girls just want to have fun" in This is what a Lesbian looks like Ithaca, NY :Firebrand Books (1999)

This is something that I never ever thought about, I really liked a lot of what she said in this article, because it caused me to question a lot of my assumptions about sex. Just her notion about sexual preference opened my eyes, and really exposed how much I'm still struggling with my own sexuality (not like I needed much reminding). I'm still in the stage of not complete acceptance, I talk a good game and can put on airs, but deep down I'm still very scared and insecure, and I often feel very alone. Unfortunately you're not allowed to say this to hetero people, because if you say that then they immediately try and work in the idea that you can pray this out of you. I can't convey to them, how even though I'm insecure I'm still very secure. I know that I am a lesbian, I know that! I'm not confused about that, but with that knowledge comes great debate, confusion and a fight for acceptance. So I definitely feel like I'm one of the people that Karen Bullock-Jordan was criticizing with the attitude, of don't be mean I can't help it. Because coming up against such criticism with my sexuality, that’s the notion that I've been holding on to. I try to give off the perception that I'm completely at ease with my sexuality and think its great for everyone, but truth be told I believe I reject the notion of preference, because in my mind if its a choice you have to make another one. I don't think that I'll always feel like this, but this is still very new to me and this is where I'm at right now.

But why can't there be sexual preference? Why can't people choose to not fall in line with heterosexual norms? What harm are we doing in denying the presence of choice?

I think it’s the silence surrounding this issue and the internalized heterosexism that has allowed for this conversation to be pushed to the back burner. I don't know about every one else, but I know that's my reason. I think oppressed people are reluctant to admit to how much of "the system" they have bought in to, and continues to be apart of us. We can talk in the past tense, but not the present. Last night I went out with a bunch of people from my program and this one guy who is very "conscious" told me that he has never dated brown or dark skin women, but rather all of his exes are light skinned with long hair and little curves. He admitted, only while drunk, that he has not broken with the Eurocentric standards that he was raised with. Why is that such a hard thing to admit? As oppressed people we are denied the right to be complete humans, we are typically seen as one dimensional people, and we replicate that standard within our communities. We only want to see the confident people, and oddly enough within the LGBT community while we claim that we are trying to encourage an out and truthful life, I feel like this has led to more silence and lies. Karen Bullock-Jordan in her essay was speaking to the desexualization of homosexuality; she really saw sex in a different way than many people I have encountered. I really appreciated her article because she really truly challenged heterosexism, and in doing so she made me see the true harm it caused. There is the idea that a woman is not a lesbian if she has ever had a relationship with a man that she enjoyed, I'm thinking specifically about Sheryl Swoopes, I remember hearing talk about how she was really bi because when she was with her ex husband she truly loved him and enjoyed the sex. We have such limiting notions of sex and sexuality, that we become really judgmental.

I like the title of the book , This is what a lesbian looks like, because it really speaks to the lack of variation that we see when we think of a Queer person. I have become obsessed with anything having to deal with coming out, for obvious reasons, but a large amount of what I see everyone always says they've known since they were in the womb or something to that effect. It's not hard to wonder why that is so prevalent, when you look at Oprah, and when she interviewed Terry McMillan's ex husband she refused to accept that he wasn't sure of his sexuality until later in life. She made it seem as if it were an impossibility.

As my professor would say, so what? and that's what I'm looking to an answer for, I don't know where to go from here or how to further engage this notion, but I'm open to any comments and suggestions. What do we do with the notion of choice?

Friday, May 04, 2007

randomness

The year is done, grades are in and I've got straight A's for the first time in my entire life!! I'm a little excited, I did a dance, but now my life seems empty lol. I have no work to not do. I actually do have work to do but its not pressing. I don't have class, I have no focus. Anyways searching the web I came across a few pics I need to share


First how hot is Rose Rollins..... Why won't she marry me?
And second I told you all that latinas could rock the low almost bald look and look hot

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

No more pencils
No more Books
No more teachers dirty looks!!!!


My mom used to say that every year when it was the end of school. And now I sing it with glee, because I'm DONE with my first year of GRAD SCHOOL!!!
WOO HOOO!!!!!!!

“I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.” ~Audre Lorde