Crossfire

I'm really feeling this poem right now, you have to go to her site and hear her recite it!


Crossfire
by Staceyann Chin

Am I a feminist
or a womanist
the student needs to know
if I do men occasionally
and primarily am I a lesbian

Tongue twisted in cheek I attempt to respond with honesty-

This business of sexual dykes and dykery
I tell her
is often messy-with social tensions as they are
you never quite know what you're getting
-some girls can only be straight at night
-hardcore butches be wearing dresses
between nine and six during the day
sometimes she is really a he trapped
by the limitations of our imagination-

Primarily
I am concerned about young women
who are raped on college campuses
in cars
after poetry readings like this one
in bars
bruised lip and broken heart
you will forgive her if she does not come
forward with the truth immediately

Everyone will think she asked for it
dressed as she was she must have wanted it

The words will knock about in her head
horny bitch
slut-harlot-tease
loose woman
some people cannot handle a woman on the loose
you know those women in silk-ties and pin-striped shirts
women in blood-red stilettos and short pink skirts
-these women make New York City the most interesting place
and while we're on the subject of diversity
Asia is not one big race
and there is no such country called the Islands
and no-I am not from there

There are a hundred ways
to slip between the cracks
of our not-so-credible cultural assumptions
and other peoples' interpretations of race and religion

Most people are surprised my father is Chinese-like
there's some preconditioned
look for the half-Chinese lesbian poet
who used to be Catholic but now believes in dreams

Let's keep it real
says the boy in the double-X hooded sweatshirt
that blond haired blue eyed Jesus in the Vatican ain't right
that motherfucker was Jewish, not white

Christ was a Middle Eastern Rastaman
who ate grapes in the company of prostitutes
and drank wine more than he drank water
born of the spirit the disciples also loved him in the flesh
but the discourse is on people who clearly identify as gay
or lesbian or straight
the State needs us to be left or right
those in the middle get caught
in the cross-fire away at the other side

If you are not for us you must be against us
People get scared enough they pick a team

Be it for Buddha or for Krishna or for Christ
God is that place between belief and what you name it
I believe holy is what you do
when there is nothing between your actions and the truth

I am afraid to draw your black lines around me
I am not always pale in the middle
I come in too many flavors for one fucking spoon

I am never one thing or the other-
at night I am everything I fear
tears and sorrows
black windows and muffled screams
in the morning I am all I want to be
wild rain and open laughter
bare footprints and invisible seams
always without breath or definition-I claim every dawn
for yesterday is simply what I was
and tomorrow
even that will be gone

I want to Hug my younger self

I want to hug my younger self. I just pulled out my old journals to just see where I was at, and as I was reading my thoughts from 7 years ago, I realized how far I've come, and how much I just needed a hug. It's funny as I was reading some parts I couldn't even bare to read because they were so embarrassing, I had to skip over all the why did Shaun( the only boyfriend I've ever had, my only relationship period) break up with me parts. But overall I just wanted to give me a hug and say don't worry we're going to be alright. I want to tell my younger self that I'm beautiful and loved. I want to tell myself that all I will find peace and happiness, all I have to do is wait. I began to realize how I didn't realize how beautiful and special I really was. I wish that I hadn't spent so much of my time trying to find my knight in shining armor but instead explore my true self. I was so full of self hatred it was ridiculous, I'm still not so crazy about my body, but I don't feel the way I used to. Through all my fears of coming out to my family and friends I just feel a sense of strength as I realize I feel great, I just downloaded a song by Jason and Demarco, I downloaded their song it is well with my soul and that's how I feel my sexuality is well with my soul! I'm okay being me! It is well with my soul. I just wish that I could go back to when I was 15 and the world was scary and nothing made sense and I just want to reach out and give myself a big hug a real deep hug, I want to hug myself and let me know that it will get better. I just want to reach out to my younger me and give her a great big hug and say Baby it'll be okay!

What would you say to your younger self?

Life on the periphery

Okay so Periphery is my new favorite word; don't ask me why, I just think it's kind of cool.

So on May 20, 2006 I graduated from College, on that day I put an end to my life at my campus that had been my world for four years. In college I created this identity, I created an image of who I wanted to be, who I thought people wanted me to be, and I looked forward to "fitting in". The person I was in college, fit in to my plan of a normal life. My whole entire life I've always kept people at a distance, it wasn't until college that I had found a real best friend, someone who I confided in and trusted. All of my other best friends had been very superficial; I never let them know what was really going on with me. When I was in the third grade, my mother went to California for rehab; I told my best friend nothing. I remember being in so much pain, but I kept silent; I never wanted anyone to know I wanted to be the normal Black American girl. I remember being so plagued by the feeling that there was some part of me that is just not acceptable and can not be revealed. I learned how to play the normal game so well. In the fifth grade Immature was HUGE, all the girls had crushes on them so I picked one Romeo and he was to be my crush. I filled my walls with all of their posters, I learned every fact about them, I did everything that I saw all the white girls on TV do when they had a crush on a group. TV was my guide to a normal life, and that's what I was going to have, I was going to be Stephanie Tanner from full house, or Judy from Family matters (until they kicked her off). When I got a boyfriend in high school, once again I went to TV and friends for a guide or normalcy. I did all the things "normal" teenage girls did, I snuck out of the house, and I snuck kisses to my boyfriend in the hallway of my high school. I had my "be normal" check list and I was working hard to fill it all in, and I never understood why I always felt incomplete. My whole entire 22 years had been spent trying to figure out what normal was and then be it, and that is a very draining/depressing existence.

What is this "normal", and why is it so compelling?
It wasn't until my second semester of my senior year when I finally began to burn out, and simultaneously I began to meet and get closer to people who weren't submitting to the "normal" mold, but they were happy, and while they weren't accepted by everyone they had a strong support system that sustained them, and they were living on the periphery. In these months since I've come out to myself and my best friend, I have found the strength to live on the periphery. This is the best I've felt in a very long time, despite my ups and downs and panic attacks about being ousted from my family and community, I feel whole. I've realized that the way this world is set up there really isn't any room for me in the "normal" world, but I'm okay with that. I don't want any parts of a world in which people are made to feel that they need to fit in to a specific mold. Screw that I'll make a whole new mold and live the way I feel is best. I realize that I'm on the outside, by the way it's assumed that I must like men, the way a guy in my program feels the constant need to ask me if he has a chance with me, the way I must search for movies/books that have characters that reflect me. I got the message I'm not in the heteronormative norm, gotcha. This is the first time in my life that I've been okay with me; I no longer want to be Stephanie Tanner (THANK GOD!).

So here I am living my life stepping further and further away from my "ideal" life, with the Amazing afrocentric, conscious black man, the wedding with the super white dress and all my bridesmaids, the kids, the house, the wonderful church family in my traditional black church, all of it. Now the ideal life has changed it's a lot less restrictive, all I want is to be happy with the woman of my dreams and the support of my immediate family.

So I have one big message to the world that told me I had to be something anything but myself.....

FUCK YOU!!!

Fire

I finally saw Fire and WoW! absolutely Amazing!! I don't know what else to say just see it!! if you haven't.

God, Do you hate me?

I've previously written about my faith, I love God with all my heart! I love being a Christian, I love Jesus, but I can't stand Christians sometimes. I feel so torn, my whole entire life when I was and wasn't in the church I always heard one thing in regards to homosexuality, God sees it as an abomination. So when I started to accept the fact that I had feelings for women, that's the first thing that popped in my mind. The night that I finally said to myself I Am a Lesbian, I asked God that night if he hated me. I don't think he does, it just doesn't make sense to me that the God I serve who knew me before I was even born, would hate me because I love women. My feelings for women are not about lust, but love. I love women; I want to spend the rest of my life with a woman. As I have created new dreams of my wedding, it's changed, it's me and the woman I love on a beach in South African surrounded by those that love us. I feel it so deeply and it kills me that I'm seen as a hypocrite because I dare love God and women too. When I was still searching my feelings I saw a documentary on LOGO about Orthodox Jewish Gays and Lesbians, what touched me the most about this documentary was this lesbian couple talking about being afraid that because of the love they shared here on earth, they wouldn't be able to make it to heaven. This documentary perfectly captured my feelings about my sexuality and my faith. I believe that God won't turn me away because of my feelings but I'm not sure, no one really is, and as much as I want to say God won't , I can't be sure. Truth is truth, I can believe all I want but in the end the truth will prevail. This is just so hard!

Today I went to a friend's house for a Taboo party and one of the words was abominable, and the other was a couple and they didn't get it. My friend's boyfriend says to her that she should have said a man and a man together or a woman and a woman are a ___. He was referencing an earlier conversation they had, and it hit me like a bullet in my heart. This is just so hard! I don't know what else to say, I'm hurting real bad right now, it just brought out so many things in me and I don't really know how to handle it.

Questions

Yesterday I was at a party with several other people in my program, and I got to have a very interesting conversation with another student. We were talking about various topics everything from HGTV to hurricane Katrina, and then we began to talk about the environments that we had grown up in. She's white and was talking about how when she grew up she knew only one black person. What impressed me the most was how she spoke of traveling abroad to Ghana, and how excited she was because one of her travel companions allowed her to ask her whatever question she wanted to about Black people. She was like she was nervous because she didn't want to be seen as racist but she had some questions that she really wanted to know. I don't know but this really hit me. I have been in so many situations where I get so upset with white people when they ask me dumb questions about being black. I never get questions like, how do you feel being in a predominantly white environment? I don't get questions about my experience as a black woman in America (very few people know I'm a lesbian so I don't get those questions), I get asked about what do all black people feel? Do I get sun burnt? Personally this pisses me off; I get so tired of having to educate white people about my race. However, talking to her made me slightly reconsider my position on things. As frustrating as it is for me to have to answer these questions I also get tired of having to deal with white people who just don't know certain things about Black people. Am I being unfair? Are they?
Where is the balance? I understand that no one gains knowledge without investigating and asking questions, but that doesn't stop me from getting aggravated. I live a life where so frequently I feel like an animal in the Zoo, so when a White person comes to me and asks me to teach them all about my people I feel further isolated in this society. They make me feel like an alien from another planet. So NO! I don't want to tell you all about my hair and my skin and no I don't want you to touch my locs and ask "How do you get your hair to do that?" I just want to be treated like a human. While I want all of this I also want people to know more about my people, but is it my job to educate them? I understand that many of the questions come out of pure curiosity, but when is enough, enough? Where is the place where the White person won't feel afraid to learn more about people of color and we people of color won't feel like they're the subject of a scientific study?

Update from Grad School

So I've been here for some weeks and I've met some new people finally! I've made some real progress with my sexual identity. I reached a real boiling point earlier this week. I got tired of covering up my tracks so my new friends wouldn't know that I was a lesbian. Very few people are worth my energy. I realized that while I don't need to hide anything from anyone, I also realized that I don't need to make any grand speeches and I don't have to give any grand explanations about my sexuality. So with this new surge of, I don't know what, I brought my book of Black lesbian coming out stories to the office to read in my free time. I knew that if people might wonder, but I figured if they were curious enough they'd ask, and of course some one did. Now I found this next scene particularly funny, and it went something like this

Office guy: What are you reading?

(I show him the book)
OG: (reads) Does your mama know? An anthology of black lesbian coming out stories.
OG: Are you bi? A lesbian?
Me: I'm a lesbian
OG: That's good to know, I would have hit on you and embarrassed myself.
So I have no chance?
Me: nope
OG: none whatsoever
Me: None
OG: None
ME: None!

Ahh people! Anyways today while talking about the upcoming campus celebration of the ratification of the 19th Amendment, I manage to get in to a debate with this guy who during the process calls Oprah and Alice Walker misery pimps for aiding in the demonization (spelling?) of black men, supporting negative images of black men such as being secretly gay (that's a whole nother issue). This guy was a WHOLE HOT MESS! Anyway I'm really grateful for being in this program it seems like this is where I was meant to be, I really think I'm going to be able to grow intellectually as well as personally.
Also I'm ready to start dating, I wanna meet a nice young woman, but I have no idea how! Any suggestions? Also could someone let me in on the secret lesbian handshake/signal to identify yourself so I know whether or not I have a chance or not with a woman I'm currently admiring.

If anyone knows how I can order a print of this photo by South African Artist Zanele Muholi I’d be forever grateful :D

It finally came just in time! As you can see from my last post the reality of my sexual orientation hit me like a Mack truck. I don't know suddenly I realized how much everything was about to change. I realized that I was going to have to tell my mom that I would never be with a man the way she hoped I would. I realized that I might possible crush my mother's heart, and it scared me. I wanted nothing more to turn back the hands of time and instead of embrace my feelings I wanted to repress them. I was not feeling all that great needless to say, but finally it came.

This is the book that I have been waiting for. I'm only a couple of stories in but every word has spoken to me. I was meant to read this book. I'm kicking myself for not getting it sooner. I didn't realize how much I needed this book until I started reading it. It's absolutely wonderful! Thank God for Lisa C. Moore!!

Is this what we're in Iraq for?

Is this what we're in Iraq for?

****link below****

I'm back!! My internet, cable and home phone are finally connected, so I feel like I'm connected to the world. You never realize how addicted to technology you are until you're absent for a week. When I was at school I didn't even watch a lot of TV but now that I couldn't for a week it was torture! It wouldn't have been so bad if I knew anyone in my new city, but it's just me. I did meet someone who has connections to my program and she gave me some really helpful information. I have become weary about the attitude towards LGBT people on my campus after seeing "NO LOGO" written on a building, referring to LOGO recently being added to the cable line up. Overall I'm excited this should be a great new beginning.

I have found some entertaining ways to keep myself occupied, I've been making some interesting observations about the south***(this is just a lighthearted list please don't take this seriously)***

A few ways I know that I'm not in the north anymore:

1. Pork & Beans have their own label in the supermarket aisle

2. This is the sign I see on the highway

3. There are signs posted on the buildings reminding you to keep your guns off campus

4. The most popular bumper sticker is W'04

Grad school

AHHH It's about to start, my life it is. I'm leaving tonight to move to the city of my grad school. Tuesday I show up to get everything started with my assistantship. It's really happening, I'm going to be on my own. Grad School ...... WoW I'm actually going to be taking classes all focused on People of African descent, this seems like a dream but I'm excited. So goodbye North and hello South. Any advice for the new grad student?

The school I'm going to is my second choice and my first choice school just took it's time in processing my paper work, so I just forgot about it and moved on I got an amazing assistantship and put my attention on the 2nd choice school. What happens today? I get a letter in the mail from my 1st choice school, I got in! talk about timing, their loss I'm off to the school that was actually on top of paperwork and that wanted me.

How do you break free?

How do you break free from everyone's conceptions of you?
Through this all that has been my biggest struggle, throughout my whole life people have always had made up in their mind who I was.
"Oh JrnyWmn she's mad cool, she's mad nurturing like a mother no grandmother!"
"She'd never get a tattoo; have a boyfriend, especially not a girlfriend", "a curse word come out of her mouth? NEVER!"
"She's mad afro centric, she's a Christian."
" One day she's gonna find her a nice black, Christian man and have a bunch of kids. "
This is what I've been reduced to, it's not all bad but it's restrictive. In the eyes of my friends I can not have faults. I feel like everything I do is constantly under a microscope. I love being a Christian and my relationship with Christ is a large part of my identity, but that's not all I am. By just labeling me a Christian you don't get the full scope of who I am. I don't curse on a regular basis but sometimes I want to let a curse word fly out and it not be a big deal. My friends have gone so far as to mark it on a calendar when I've cursed. Sometimes I get mad and I want to say FUCK!!! Forgive me I'm human.
At my school I was viewed as a grandmother, my nickname was actually Grams. This has led me to being viewed as an asexual mammy. I am thought to have no sexual desire or identity, being a big girl doesn't help this view either. I care about people, I don't like to see people hurt, but this does not make me everyone's grandmother! At first it was just a nickname, but people really started treating me like a grandmother and it's gotten to the point where I've had enough! I am only 22 years old; I am no where near being anyone's grandmother. I have desires just like everyone else. When I got a tattoo last summer, you would have thought that the world would have came crashing down with the reaction I got.

So now as I am trying to assert myself as an individual, as myself, I find myself hitting a brick wall of people's conceptions of me. This morning I was up looking at tons of Black lesbian sites, and I also had my MySpace up and my facebook, and I felt like I was living two separate lives, I felt like I was two separate people that could never become one, because they were inherently at odds with each other.
Why do people feel the need to hold people in to boxes? I believe that there is a deep fear for the people we love to be anything different than what we know them as. We're afraid of having relationships that constantly evolve and change, we're lazy, and we don't want to put the work in to constantly getting to know our friends as the people they become. There is always that constant need to remind people of who they were.

I sit here and I wonder why I am so afraid of some of my friends finding out that I am a lesbian, friends that I know will be supportive, and I realize that it's because me being a lesbian goes against the image that many people have of me and I am afraid to destroy people's view of me.

I can't really blame my friends, family and acquaintances because it's my fault. I created this mask; I created the person that I was to be viewed as. I constructed this personality, I did not allow people to get close enough to me to see the real me. I only allowed people to see a certain amount of vulnerability, and now it's biting me in my ass.
So now that I have come to this realization, what now? Where do I go from here? How do I break free from people's conceptions of me?

Lauryn Hill says it best in I get out

[Singing Chorus]
But I get out
Oh, I get out of all your boxes
I get out
Oh, you can't hold me in these chains
I'll get out
Oh, I want out of social bondage
Knowin' my condition
Oh, is the reason I must change

[Singing Verse 2]
See, what you see is what you get
Oh, and you ain't seen nothin' yet
Oh, I don't care if you're upset
I could care less if you're upset
See it don't change the truth
And your hurt feeling's no excuse
To keep me in this box
Psychological locks
Repressin' true expression
Cementin' this repression
Promotin' mass deception
So that no one can be healed
I don't respect your system
I won't protect your system
When you talk I don't listen
Oh, let my Father's will be done

This is just too much!!

Today is an angry day!! I'm just really angry about everything, I don't know if I'm the only one who gets like that, but I'm a very passionate person. I feel deeply, I'm actually a lot more sensitive than most people realize. So when I hurt, I hurt deeply.
First off WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ISRAEL! All I can say is WHY?!?! Skyscraper and Pomegranate Queen do a much better job than I do expressing their feelings.

I hate my job my last day is the 28th so it's almost over, but I don't know if I can make it to the end. My job is one of the main points of my anger, and hurt. I hurt so much for the children at my job. They all have been through some serious things in their lives and I see them and I hurt for them. There are two girls that I want to inspire, one girl is an excellent swimmer and is focused on her future, she knows that she is meant to do more than what people expect from her, but she gets caught up. I lifeguard and she's a great swimmer, so I always joke with the kids that they should go to the Olympics, but with some serious training she could do it, and when I told her she just said to me "really, you think I can do it?" I told her that she could do it and make a mark on the swimming world, I told her when she won her gold medal she could hold up her flags representing her Mexican and Puerto Rican heritage. She looked as if no one had ever told her she was capable of greatness before and that broke my heart. Then you have this other girl who was adopted by a White woman and Black man, and as she's getting older the parent's biological daughter is getting preferential treatment because she lighter, and her hair is more wavy. I just want to tell her to take pride in the way she looks and to not forget that she is beautiful and black is beautiful.
Finally with my job which leads to a larger problem, is the rampant homophobia, it's sickening. The kids call the more effeminate boys faggot on a regular basis and the staff is silent. They say nothing and I've been trying to stop the kids, but they ignore me and still call the kids names. I don't know how much more I can take, and when it's not the kids it's the staff behind the kids back talking about how nasty the idea of two people of the same sex together is. Again I speak up only to be dismissed. I can't stand it anymore, so I call one oh my good friends, really one of my best friends, and I'm complaining about this all and her reaction breaks my heart. We bonded because we were Christians in college, I have always been more liberal and she always more conservative, and her stance on homosexuality is hard to miss, it's always been a point of contention for us, but today as I spoke with her and explained why I was so bothered by the behavior of the staff and kids at my job, she agreed that their behavior was wrong, but not their opinions. She said "they don't have to respect that lifestyle, I don't and never will" and when she said this I realized that our friendship may very well have an expiration date set, to when she finds out that I'm a lesbian. When that happens, I am going to be crushed, I love her like a sister, we've been through soo much together and she's really been there to support me in a lot of ways and I can't imagine not having her as a friend. However, I am becoming more and more convinced that our friendship will not survive. We went on spring break together along with my best friend and we talked about more trips, but she's one of the main ones that I've been terrified about coming out to I know that she will question every compliment and hug I've ever given her. I know with my head that if someone is not going to support me I should say screw them and move on with my real friends, but I don't know if I can let go of this friendship so easily.

This is just too much!!

The power of the voice

There is power in giving voice to your concerns. For so long I have kept my feelings for women and confusion over my sexual identity to myself. I had decided to bury my feelings and I prayed that they would never surface (clearly that did not work). Even in the past months I sat and worried, stressed over thought and just made myself miserable over the question of my own sexuality. I thought that if I said it out loud, if I said that I want to be with women out loud, it would make it real. I fought so long trying to suppress my feelings; in the process I suppressed me. When I decided to start this blog I felt better I was able to get it out of my head and written down for others to read and know, but I still had not said it. When I talked to my best friend the first time we only got to talk very briefly and I was a ball of nerves. After talking to her briefly I already began to feel better, I had gotten it out, but I still hadn't given adequate voice to my sexuality. I had not let the words linger out in the air; I kept them locked up in solitary confinement. So yesterday my best friend and I finally got to have one of our typical 2 hour conversations, and I said it. I told her about my feelings as a child, I told her about my fear of how my life would change. I told her exactly how I feel and have felt. As the great best friend she is she listened, she encouraged me, she actually told me she likes me as a lesbian lol. I felt support, I just talked and talked and talked, and the more I talked the more comfortable I felt within my own skin. I was reminded of this amazing quote from Audre Lorde's daughter in her essay on the transformation of silence in language and action, she says

"Tell them about how you're never really whole person if you remain silent, because there is always that one little piece inside you that wants to be spoken out, and if you keep ignoring it, it gets madder and madder and hotter and hotter, and if you don't speak it out one day it will just up and punch you in the mouth from the inside."

I think that's so true, there is something to be said to actually using your vocal cords and saying out loud the thoughts that you have held deep within in you, instantly there is a release of pressure that has been weighing you down, you can begin to experience life without that nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach. I have spent so much of my life keeping my thoughts and feelings buried deep within my soul and praying that they would never see the light of day, but now I have come to realize that I have to say them, I need to let them be free. Does this mean that I'm going to go around telling all of my personal thoughts and feelings to every person I see? No, but I will speak them at least to my best friend, because the great feeling that I felt last night in just verbalizing my innermost thoughts was one of the most liberating experiences I have ever had in my life.

Insomniac thoughts

It's almost 3 am I have to be up for work in a few hours and I'm wide awake. As I was trying to get some sleep thoughts just kept running through my head. I keep thinking about two subjects in particular, 1. How will my family react when I come out to them? And 2. What about my wedding! I've gone through the mental list of my family members and I've already predicted how some of them will react. My mom I think will most definitely freak out at first, but I'm pretty sure she'll come around. My Aunts and Uncles well that's another story, like many of my family members lived the wild life when they were younger and since then have found purpose, meaning and stability in their lives in God. I think it's great, but unfortunately finding God has meant insanity for some of my family members two of my aunts in particular. They've become fanatical, one of my aunts said that her grandson was a demon because he wasn't circumcised, yeah I know crazy. This is also the same aunt who is so against secular music that she beat my sisters Source magazine with her shoe as she yelled about it being possessed. My other Aunt is less crazy but what she lacks in insanity she makes up with conservativism. I'm going to go out on a limb and say these Aunts who I love dearly will surely say that I've been possessed, and am going straight to hell. All in All I think my mom's side will be okay with it, with the exception of my two Aunts. However, my father is straight out of the West Indies, and his side is ultra conservative, there was a HUGE controversy when my unmarried thirty year old aunt became pregnant. I know that when they find out then I'm a lesbian, well it's not going to be pretty. This makes me nervous I love my family even my father (who I have so many issues with it's not funny) and I don't want to be separated from them.
When I was wrestling with my realization what was hardest for me was dealing with my wedding. Since I was younger I've always wanted a big wedding, it was going to great huge bridal party, amazing food, location and just a great time for all my family and friends to come and celebrate with me. What is most important for me is that I wanted all of the people I love and care about there with me, and if I don't have family members there I want it to be because I didn't invite them not because they are protesting my wedding. Because like it or not I AM HAVING A WEDDING, and I don't care what George W. Bush has to say about it.
I don't know when I'm going to tell my family or the rest of my friends for that matter, I've told my best friend and for now that's good enough for me. Is it weird that I'm nervous about coming out to my lesbian friends? I hang around a fairly liberal and accept crowd, but I'm still soo nervous. I wish there was a handbook Living The Lesbian Life, I know that there is no guide, this is my life and it is up to me to decide how I will live it. You can't blame a girl for wishing can ya? I guess only time will tell how things will unfold and now it's time for me to rest my brain from all this thinking.

I have the BEST best friend in the world

this is the response from my absolutely wonderful, amazing best friend! I just want the whole world to know that I do indeed have the BEST best friend ever. This almost made me cry and I DON'T cry.

Hello wife,

So you almost made me cry at work, which would have been really difficult to explain to the boss *giggle*, but that's besides the point. I know we talked a little this morning and there's still worlds of words left to say, but I just wanted you to know a couple of things.

1) I'm proud of you. Of your ability, of your strength, of your humility, of your passion. I'm proud to call you my best friend.
2) I will always be there for you as long as I have breath. (cuz if I'm not breathing, I'm sorry, but I can only watch from heaven)
3) I love you. And this is perhaps the most important thing to remember when you think about our friendship.

A simple list, but an important one nonetheless. I imagine that this must have been hard for you all this time, but at least you know that from this day forward, you don't have to do it alone.


(p.s. hello blog world, meet my best friend, treat her well)

To my Best Friend

This is a letter to my best friend, I've been trying to find the words to say to her, and I hope I can say this to her before she reads it but I just felt like sharing it with you all.

Dear Friend,
We joke and say that we're married but in reality we're like sisters. I am closer with you than with my entire family, I've told you things that I've never been able to say out loud before. When I am going through things you're the person I need to talk to work through whatever crisis I'm going through at the moment. That's how our relationship is, we lean on each other for support, I know I can trust you and you can trust me. With this said I hope that you can forgive me for keeping this secret from you, I wanted to tell you so many times but I couldn't find the words. It has not been an easy task to be going through such a huge a momentous change and not be able to talk to you about it, which is what I meant when I told you that you are hard to keep a secret from. You know me better than anyone so you know why realizing that I had more than friendship feelings for women has not been easy. For the past couple of months I've grappled with my feelings, I prayed everyday for them to go away, I prayed that the crazy religious right we're right and that this was a choice and I could chose another path, but I can't denying my feelings for women is denying me the chance to be a whole human being. I realized that I have always felt this way. That's why I've been journaling so much, and why I began this blog, I needed to get these feelings out someway; I needed them to be heard by someone other than myself. I thank God everyday for all of those who posted words of encouragement and shown me so much love, they have helped me come to the point where I feel like I can say I am a lesbian. As much as I know that you will be there to support me, I was still afraid that things would change, I was afraid that you'd begin to question everything I've ever said or done and wonder if I was trying to get with you, I just couldn't handle that. So now as my life is about to change forever, and I begin this journey to truly finding out who I really am, I need your support more than ever. This is me, this is who I am and I am nothing without my best friend.

Love always,
your sister/best friend/ roommate/ wife ; )

The Good Black Man

Throughout my childhood, I constantly heard of the greatness that would come my way once I found the mystical Good Black Man (GBM, as referred to in the movie Something New). This GBM would solve all my problems; he would be the Holy Grail. For me, success would mean finally gaining this GBM; he was an integral part of what my identity as a woman would be. All of our problems were seen as being a product of not having a GBM, and once we found one things would get better. Despite the greatness of the GBM, he would leave if you did not know how to treat him; you had to let him know that he was THE MAN! You had to be a lady in the streets and a freak in the bedroom; you were to stand with him come hell or high water. Nothing was to break you apart.
Growing up the importance of standing behind the Black man come hell or high water was drilled in to me. I was raised in a family full of beautiful single Black women, and many of their struggles were due to men, who promised them the world and instead gave them disease and heartache. They were left to raise the children, which the men claimed they loved so much. Despite it all they were still hopeful that their GBM would come along and help them with their struggles, they would give them companionship, support and they would also help them guide their children.
As a child I looked for my own GBM not because I necessarily wanted one, but because he would make my life easier, as well as uplift the community. When gathering around other black women the main topic of conversation was Black men. I recently went to a conference for black women, and there were comedians and performances and all reinforcing the importance of our relationship with black men. One speaker even spoke about how Black women’s not supporting our black men was leading to the destruction of our community. This is how as a black woman I relate to other black women I meet, we talk about our trials tribulations and struggles with and for Good black men. This past weekend at a family BBQ, I was asked several times when I was going to get married, did I have anyone special in my life. My relatives talked about the wonderful man that I would find to complete me. So now as I have come to the realization that I do not want a GBM or any man for that reason. This has caused me particular stress as I struggle with the feeling that I'm letting my community down, by being me, it's as backwards as it sounds. But so much of my identity as a woman has been built around gaining a black man and keeping him, whether I wanted to or not.
I don't know I'm writing this out of my frustration and anger at feeling that I am a traitor, that I will never be a complete black woman, that other women will feel inferior because they weren't good enough to snag a good black man.

1 key ring, 2 pieces of leather and rainbow beads

My first attempt at poetry please bare with me


1 key ring, 2 pieces of leather and rainbow beads
Something so Simple would make things so complicated

My secret is revealed in 1 key ring, 2 pieces of leather and rainbow beads

A rainbow colored keychain revealed my rainbow colored heart

1 key ring, 2 pieces of leather and rainbow beads
instilled fear of a life of exile from the ones I love

1 key ring, 2 pieces of leather and rainbow beads
reminded me that I would live a life filled with extreme love and hate

1 key ring, 2 pieces of leather and rainbow beads
meant the beginning of a time of confusion

1 key ring, 2 pieces of leather and rainbow beads
would mark the first time that I accepted the whole me and was at peace

Your silence will not protect you

"Your Silence will not protect you.........And it is never without fear - of visability, of harsh light of scrutiny and perhaps judgement, of pain, of death. But we have lived through all of those already , in silence, except death.......If I were to be born mute or taken a vow of silence my whole life long for safety , I would still have suffered, and I would still die."

  


I just finished watching North Country and it really made me think of these quotes from Audre Lorde's The transformation of Silence in to language and action